Redpepper's journey

I don't know what I have to offer as far as advice goes, but I don't see Leo making you feel happy and good a lot of the time. I know that you do enjoy your time together, when it happens, but there is so much anxiety around planning and wondering how he perceives you before you actually see him that it leaves me wondering what the pay-off is. I think that you might be happier reframing the relationship in your mind to one of friendship. You're right in saying that he might not even notice the change.

I expect that he does genuinely love you, in his own way. But with everything that's going on for him, he doesn't have a lot left to give emotionally. You have a connection with each other and it could just be that it's going though a natural ebb and flow cycle. It seems to me that now just isn't the right time for what you have with each other, to be any more invested than friendship. As things change and the rest of his life becomes more stable, he might have more to give emotionally again.
 
Forgive me, Redpepper, but I can't see what either Leo or you get out of the friendship at all. It seems hardly worth the effort on any level, just time wasted you could spend with someone more important to you.
 
For me, I don't see showing up in and of itself to be really "enough." I mean, I like it when people show up, but I think that it really starts with what you do after you show up. From what I know of you, I think you care about that, too. I mean, quality time, it's in the definition. I guess if Leo can't be/give what you need, then it just isn't worth it. I can see how he's given some conflicting messages though. Hopefully the love languages book will help. I know it has helped me on occasion.
 
It does sound to me like he is oblivious to everything but his own needs, and that you are indeed done. I also do not see what you get out of it. Maybe if it was just a friendship, and you saw expensive dinners as a perk from that, it might be worth it. But methinks you have better things to do with your time, don't you?
 
Thanks, everyone. And to those that sent PMs, I really appreciate it. Actually, what really made me think was doing the quiz on this thread. The results made me realize that he has possibilities and that I need to be a little less intense. Who me, intense? Never! :cool::eek:

If things don't change by the end of the summer, after our camping trips, then I will re-look at it. That's the plan.

I know it doesn't seem that I get anything out of what we have, but I look forward to our time together. I feel comfortable with him and myself, and for some reason trust. It's really not taking away from anyone else in my life that we see each other. So I guess I will wait and see.
 
Three texts from Leo over the weekend and today... that is a record. Maybe something I said sunk in? I told him about the book I will give him and he asked if it had dirty pictures. *sigh* See what I have to deal with? :(:p

I had my ex-wife over tonight for dinner and family time. I always love when she is around. Although I was beat and had a headache. I miss her in my life more regularly.

Off to kiss Mono and snuggle in with PN. Derby and I didn't get a chance to chat much today. So busy lately!
 
I thought sleep would help, but I feel just as bad as yesterday, under-appreciated, like the whole world hates me and doesn't understand me and that I have no respect. They laid off one of my dear friends and long time co-workers this week. After 10 years of work on a team of 7, we are now 6. I'm afraid for my own job, my co-worker's future, and just feeling like I mean nothing to this world. We get so little respect already at work that this just gives us less. More work ahead, more clients, more paperwork, more bullshit. I don't know if I can do it.

To top it off, I don't feel appreciated in my community or by my friends either, for various reasons this week. The only place I know I am, is at home. I don't know why I bother to go out or do anything at all. I should just stay home with the covers over my head.

Onwards and upwards. LB turns 8 today. Plaster a smile on my face and do more stuff that I get very little appreciation for. My brother is coming with his girlfriend. She sucks the very marrow of life out of me when I am feeling like this. No doubt the meal will not be to her standard, the celebration pitiful and the presents we bought unacceptable for a kid she barely has time for.

*sigh*

Please don't reply to this. I am really not in the mood to believe anything anyone says to me, at this moment. Right now I don't trust anyone and think everything that comes out of anyone's mouth is bullshit. This week has proven that far too many times already.
 
PMS?

((hug))
 
I hope you feel appreciated in this community RP. I for one appreciate you very much. I might not comment that much because I'm very busy at the moment and a little burnt out but I follow along with your life and really enjoy that you take the time to share it with us. Lack of appreciation says much more about the state of the life of the unappreciative than the one who isn't being appreciated.

You guys are a poly success story to a level that even some professionals say can't be done. You give a lot to this community. Thank you
 
Thanks, Sage, and all. No PMS, Mags. :p Thanks for asking.

The birthday went great. What a great day. LB had his uncle come.

Derby dropped him off a gift before she went to derby. She is a love. I told her I didn't want to talk today as I haven't been doing well. She was very respectful of that. It was great to wrap my arms around her tonight, though.

Off camping tomorrow for three nights. One night I have to come back to town to go to a burlesque show. One night its just Mono, LB and me and the other will be with Leo and family. He cut the time down a bit and we have other friends coming out that night, too. It should be okay.

I have that overly-invested feeling again that I hate. Self hatred isn't helping and an overall confusion about what kind of role I have in my life and with others and at my job. I'm just confused, hurt, feel mistreated. I have resigned myself to self hate and hermiting with my feelings.

Maybe if I stand very still I will disappear and no one will see me. Or maybe I should take my leave in all areas of my life that cause pain and go elsewhere. The thing is, it's the same everywhere and I have done that before. It doesn't work. I used to move all the time to different cities and start again, then groups. Now I will just bury, bury, bury. Oh ya, and hoard, hoard, hoard.

I wouldn't be able to take on any change in my relationships as a result of this. If PN got a girlfriend, for instance, I would be a jealous and seething mess of bitchiness and bossiness. I totally get when people come here and are working through that in their lives. If they felt like I do right now, then I can totally relate. Don't you dare think I can share any of them. :( Don't like that, don't like myself, don't like that I allow others and life to affect me this way.
 
We had our first night camping. Leo isn't here yet. They decided to come today instead, as it would be too rushed. Tonight I am going to a burlesque show with Derby to support a friend's first time, so no adult time without kids today. PN stayed home last night too. He was pooped from his week. I just sent him a huge list of things to bring, as we got rained on last night and froze! Such is life in a rain forest. Always damp.

I had some hot sexy fire time with Mono, though. We have never had alone camping time. (LB was asleep.) I love those big ass camping chairs that hold 500 lbs. ;) for big asses and lots of asses. :D

I had a really long and much needed and appreciated PM yesterday that was very timely. Even though Leo is late, I am calm and unworried as a result. He texted me throughout the night and was obviously disappointed. Also disappointed I won't be here tonight. I hate that my feelings of being loved are coming from that rather than being told I am, getting a hug or by his being present, but I am trying to see it as perhaps he does, and realize that texting is love to him. So be it. I'm good for now.

Waiting for PN and Leo and LB's friends to arrive, and Leo's wife too, of course. Rain stopped. Sun, please. :)
 
It's been a few days and I feel really content with all my relationships.

I understand, or shall I say have re-understood how Leo's wife works. He is very concerned for her emotional wellbeing and looks over her in that way, it seems. He spends a lot of time looking to her to see if she is okay. When she is, he looks at me. I figure things went awry for me because I don't ever hang out with her. I got lost in the fact that I couldn't remember what she was like. I suck at not being near people.

There is more to it than that. I have come to realize again that I can't have my needs met from him in terms of continual reassurance. I just have to realize that and trust. So I am doing that as best I can. Spending so much time together has really helped that.

Derby took me out of the woods to go to a show this weekend that my friend was in. I didn't really want to leave, as it was cozy and warm by the fire, but I'd paid for a ticket, Derby had come out to get me, I had some time with her first and I said I would. I'm not sure I will do that again though. It was a lot of effort with little appreciation. Why do I do that shit!? Most people would just bow out and be all apologetic. Me, I said I would come and I did, damn it, even if it meant others were disappointed and I did something I didn't really want to do.

I seemed to have made my friend uncomfortable somehow, and she won't tell me how until we see each other in person. I have a hard time with that and don't do well with waiting for that kind of information. Sigh... I just have to wait.

On the work front-- it sucks. I likely will be on strike soon. I have lost a staff member I have known for 7 years and we will be getting up to three new clients. *STRESS* I just want to get through my work day and make happy fun events of every kind for everyone to enjoy and be delighted that people show up. Oh, if this were so easy. I seem to step on toes and cross over into other people's domain sometimes, whatever that is about. It makes me feel unappreciated, misunderstood, and pretty much like giving up. Still, I carry on and am compelled to continue my self-care in this way. I organize stuff. What can I say? It makes me happy.

Another big burlesque show is coming up that I have started in on. I am getting to know the women I am working with and they are all lovely and interesting. I am enjoying their company and loving that stage of un-connected connectedness, if that makes sense. It's like NRE, but with friends, I think.

Summer is turning into a gong show. I am so grateful for the things I have planned and for the people attending. There are some things that are likely going to fall through though and that makes me feel sad. I find it really hard to justify putting effort into some things that are just not going to bring any fun along with them right now. I much prefer to leave the work behind when I actually leave my paying job. Staying at home with my lovelies is looking more and more appealing these days. I am finding it hard to appreciate much else right now. :)

Not much poly to this post. Sorry. I guess life is not always about working on poly stuff, but just living it.
 
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So I have been reading up on dominant women, which I thought I was until I read. What I have been reading is more in general how dominant women can be identified a certain way, such as the bitchy one at the office, or the woman that has to control everyone and everything, and it just doesn't fit me. I am not that woman.

Is it my poly that just doesn't fit the D/s roles for me, or me that doesn't fit the dom role correctly? Or am I missing something here?

I mean, I am not at all interested in controlling everyone and everything. I do a lot of organizing of others and enjoy that, but I love being invited out and my time being taken care of at times. I don't want to control anyone at all, except in play. In fact, I avoid it more than most people. I just find it causes unnecessary drama, and I abhor drama of any kind.

It's not all that poly to me to think that I have any kind of say over other's lives and what they do. I don't get what people do a lot of the time, but it's not my business and I chose to be involved or not. I would get involved if I thought there were a good reason, not because I want to control people. Does that make sense?

So where does that leave me? I'm not in the least bit able to stand anyone asserting any kind of authority over me. Any sign of dominance over me leads to immediate anger and fight or flight. I am in no way in need of being told what to do, and will not tolerate being asked to do something for someone simply to get off on doing it. I will do it if I can see they are in need, or if I am being giving, not because I am simply told that is their will. All I have to say to that is: "Fuck you. Do it yourself."

At work I avoid being managed altogether, and as my manager seems to be intimidated (unsure that is the right word) by me, it works just great. I am a hard and competent worker and know where my position is, but I am in no way putting any "boss" in any kind of position where they are on a pedestal. Most of the time I think they are crazy for taking on the extra work because they think they might have control. That kind of control leads to no control and people going underground. I know, because I am the first to admit I go underground to get my needs met at work. This scenario fits many areas of life actually. I am like this with everyone.

If I don't like them bossing me around, I go underground and avoid. Some dominant woman that is, at least, according to my reading lately. I would be challenging people who try and boss me around, no?

Anyway, I don't know now what the hell... :eek:
 
Being dominant certainly doesn't mean you need to be bitchy. Actually, I'd think the bitchy ones are those who don't have the presence and need the bitching.

Not to mention, being dominant in the bedroom doesn't have to be reflected anywhere else. There is no reason to treat everybody the way you treat your sexual partners.
 
The problem with the literature on dominance is that it only has two directions to come from.

- Personal experience as a influence.
- Depending on the facets, or 'public face' people show, not who they actually are.

Either way, it boils down to perception. Discussions on it are about as reliable as discussions on how 3 yr old boys act. Or how a wife should act, etc.

You are just fine. It`s about the strength you feel inside yourself, and how it plays out naturally.

Many confuse narcissism with dominance, which then gets confused with leadership, and that is why we have so many idiots running around claiming to be 'alpha-master-domina-to-all-who-breathe.' That is just being an asshole. Same as any other.

If I had a dime for every person who thinks they are some alpha-god. *yawn* ;)

I'd say you are a leader. You enjoy leading. Even if the chips are down, and people pull back, you still know to lead yourself.

You have an ability to have fun with dominance and you do it for good, not evil. You don`t do it out of a perceived fear.

Don`t worry about what some literature says. The best read I have had in 2 months was a paper some university in Canada did on how damaging 'self-help' and 'identity' books are. Seemed pretty accurate to me.
 
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