It's been a few days and I feel really content with all my relationships.
I understand, or shall I say have re-understood how Leo's wife works. He is very concerned for her emotional wellbeing and looks over her in that way, it seems. He spends a lot of time looking to her to see if she is okay. When she is, he looks at me. I figure things went awry for me because I don't ever hang out with her. I got lost in the fact that I couldn't remember what she was like. I suck at not being near people.
There is more to it than that. I have come to realize again that I can't have my needs met from him in terms of continual reassurance. I just have to realize that and trust. So I am doing that as best I can. Spending so much time together has really helped that.
Derby took me out of the woods to go to a show this weekend that my friend was in. I didn't really want to leave, as it was cozy and warm by the fire, but I'd paid for a ticket, Derby had come out to get me, I had some time with her first and I said I would. I'm not sure I will do that again though. It was a lot of effort with little appreciation. Why do I do that shit!? Most people would just bow out and be all apologetic. Me, I said I would come and I did, damn it, even if it meant others were disappointed and I did something I didn't really want to do.
I seemed to have made my friend uncomfortable somehow, and she won't tell me how until we see each other in person. I have a hard time with that and don't do well with waiting for that kind of information. Sigh... I just have to wait.
On the work front-- it sucks. I likely will be on strike soon. I have lost a staff member I have known for 7 years and we will be getting up to three new clients. *STRESS* I just want to get through my work day and make happy fun events of every kind for everyone to enjoy and be delighted that people show up. Oh, if this were so easy. I seem to step on toes and cross over into other people's domain sometimes, whatever that is about. It makes me feel unappreciated, misunderstood, and pretty much like giving up. Still, I carry on and am compelled to continue my self-care in this way. I organize stuff. What can I say? It makes me happy.
Another big burlesque show is coming up that I have started in on. I am getting to know the women I am working with and they are all lovely and interesting. I am enjoying their company and loving that stage of un-connected connectedness, if that makes sense. It's like NRE, but with friends, I think.
Summer is turning into a gong show. I am so grateful for the things I have planned and for the people attending. There are some things that are likely going to fall through though and that makes me feel sad. I find it really hard to justify putting effort into some things that are just not going to bring any fun along with them right now. I much prefer to leave the work behind when I actually leave my paying job. Staying at home with my lovelies is looking more and more appealing these days. I am finding it hard to appreciate much else right now.
Not much poly to this post. Sorry. I guess life is not always about working on poly stuff, but just living it.