ClosetPoly
New member
Another plan ended completely different than I hoped today...
Today my partner's boyfriend picked her up at noon and they went back to his place. I was going to go to his place at seven, spend some quality time with both of them and then have a romantic dinner with my partner. I was planning to honour my own advice on another thread, you can't possibly be enough for a poly partner, but you can be the best partner you can be for them. I was so afraid of feeling jealousy and resentment while they were gone, that I kept myself busy all day, cleaning, tidying, basically showing off that I was ok with this, they could have their alone time and I made the house pleasant and stress-free to come back to....
or so I thought...
By the time seven o'clock got around, I had not eaten throughout the day, not let myself think about what I actually felt, nor coped with it, just bottling it up, feeling ok all the time, and worn out. When I left the house, I felt an insane need to see and hold my partner, but also a strong need for my friend, to be safe and held and part of a group, also assuring them that I am okey with the situation.
But when I got to his place, all I could think about was to get my partner and leave. In the car outside I considered sending her a textmessage asking her to just come out, but, disregarding my intuition, I walked in, and I reacted really badly, locked up, oozed resentment and displeasure, while containing my bottled up discomfort, that too turned oozy and indeterminable, unseparable. I was just waiting and waiting to be able to leave. We talked a little bit about how today went, and I made the giant mistake of thinking it would be better to cover it up and deal with it later, so I slipped out words like ok, tolerable, fine, but tired. I do in retrospect understand that both my partner and boyfriend was SO ready for me, so ready to cuddle and enjoy life after having 7 hours alone time and both really ready to let some of that flow to me. He also does fantastic neckmassages, and I was planning to ask him to be so loving and nice to give my stressed neck a good seeing to.
But I was there, tense and elephanty in the room. A rinse and repeat-mistake for me. Cause what did I do? Oh, I took the opportunity to leave, excused by dinner, not showing any love or patience or support to her or her boyfriend (my best friend), nor in any way talking about their day, what they had done, what it was worth, if there was anything they wanted to share, have fun with etc..you know, all I have adviced myself to do. But I did something else. I skipped ahead, I jumped to my partner's ultimate goal 30-40 years up the line, applied that to what I was feeling now, combined with a childish hissyfit of having to share my favourite toy ALL of sunday, and ended up flailing like there was no tomorrow at my partner to and over dinner, asking her if her long term (and it is truly lovely and pleasant) plan still was on, she confirmed it, and I actually stooped low enough to tell her I might not be able to be part of it. Based just on what I had felt today, amplifying it thousands of times by a situation far in the future, and only potential. Basically, again, I robbed her of the good from the day, tore down a little bit more of whatever trust I have in my promise that she can have this. Cause I promise and promise, but my reaction-pattern never seem to match my plan.
I have now suggested that my partner uses a safety-word when she feels something is wrong. That will be an insta-stop to what I'm doing, and I have to sit down and think and talk about what I feel exactly. She thinks it's a good idea, and thanks to her overflowing source of patience I might be able to do better next time, and make them both help me protect myself from ruining this, and let it turn into something wonderful.
How do others cope with calming down, analyzing fears, in similar situations, when someone is off for alone-time for 6-7 hours? Any good techniques for coping without breaking down, or bottling up?
Today my partner's boyfriend picked her up at noon and they went back to his place. I was going to go to his place at seven, spend some quality time with both of them and then have a romantic dinner with my partner. I was planning to honour my own advice on another thread, you can't possibly be enough for a poly partner, but you can be the best partner you can be for them. I was so afraid of feeling jealousy and resentment while they were gone, that I kept myself busy all day, cleaning, tidying, basically showing off that I was ok with this, they could have their alone time and I made the house pleasant and stress-free to come back to....
or so I thought...
By the time seven o'clock got around, I had not eaten throughout the day, not let myself think about what I actually felt, nor coped with it, just bottling it up, feeling ok all the time, and worn out. When I left the house, I felt an insane need to see and hold my partner, but also a strong need for my friend, to be safe and held and part of a group, also assuring them that I am okey with the situation.
But when I got to his place, all I could think about was to get my partner and leave. In the car outside I considered sending her a textmessage asking her to just come out, but, disregarding my intuition, I walked in, and I reacted really badly, locked up, oozed resentment and displeasure, while containing my bottled up discomfort, that too turned oozy and indeterminable, unseparable. I was just waiting and waiting to be able to leave. We talked a little bit about how today went, and I made the giant mistake of thinking it would be better to cover it up and deal with it later, so I slipped out words like ok, tolerable, fine, but tired. I do in retrospect understand that both my partner and boyfriend was SO ready for me, so ready to cuddle and enjoy life after having 7 hours alone time and both really ready to let some of that flow to me. He also does fantastic neckmassages, and I was planning to ask him to be so loving and nice to give my stressed neck a good seeing to.
But I was there, tense and elephanty in the room. A rinse and repeat-mistake for me. Cause what did I do? Oh, I took the opportunity to leave, excused by dinner, not showing any love or patience or support to her or her boyfriend (my best friend), nor in any way talking about their day, what they had done, what it was worth, if there was anything they wanted to share, have fun with etc..you know, all I have adviced myself to do. But I did something else. I skipped ahead, I jumped to my partner's ultimate goal 30-40 years up the line, applied that to what I was feeling now, combined with a childish hissyfit of having to share my favourite toy ALL of sunday, and ended up flailing like there was no tomorrow at my partner to and over dinner, asking her if her long term (and it is truly lovely and pleasant) plan still was on, she confirmed it, and I actually stooped low enough to tell her I might not be able to be part of it. Based just on what I had felt today, amplifying it thousands of times by a situation far in the future, and only potential. Basically, again, I robbed her of the good from the day, tore down a little bit more of whatever trust I have in my promise that she can have this. Cause I promise and promise, but my reaction-pattern never seem to match my plan.
I have now suggested that my partner uses a safety-word when she feels something is wrong. That will be an insta-stop to what I'm doing, and I have to sit down and think and talk about what I feel exactly. She thinks it's a good idea, and thanks to her overflowing source of patience I might be able to do better next time, and make them both help me protect myself from ruining this, and let it turn into something wonderful.
How do others cope with calming down, analyzing fears, in similar situations, when someone is off for alone-time for 6-7 hours? Any good techniques for coping without breaking down, or bottling up?