Redpepper's journey

Thanks for your words, NYCindie.

Yes, he said that before this year. He said that this year, even. However, he has also encouraged me to pursue my relationship with Brad from the get-go, saying he understands now due to his having fallen in love with another himself. He gets it and doesn't want to stop me from what my heart's nature is, as he thinks his might be similar and he wants to explore that. I'm confused about it all, for sure.

The thing is, he doesn't want to communicate about it and hasn't been. It seems he thinks he shouldn't have to. He wants it to be his own thing and for me to never know whom he is involved with or ever meet them. He shouldn't have to let me in on his feelings at all. We differ in this way. I talk about everything.

I am concerned that when he goes out on his own without me knowing, that he is actually going to move his love away from me and I will just be family to him, his home base, where he belongs, yet not someone with whom he is passionately in love, anymore.

I realize that love changes and mellows with years, but we have always been very close and passionate. For me that has not changed. For him it did, when he had feelings for others. I am concerned that a divide such as the one he is asking for will mean a split, rather than achieve what he wants. This leads me to believe we are actually done. I'm waiting for some input from him.

I wanted and enjoyed his monogamous nature. I grew to trust it eventually, but now I don't trust anything. To his credit, he managed to say something before getting into his thoughts so much that I lost him forever.

I am wondering now if he actually thought he couldn't ask for me to not pursue others. I would not have started anything with Brad, had I known what was going on for Mono back then. I met Brad before I knew Mono had a crush. I was encouraged to go out and meet people, to go and find a distraction. I didn't expect to find another bf. I didn't see anything except his encouragement and friendliness to Brad. He liked him. He was happy for me. On the surface, he seemed to be okay with everything.

He was having trouble being close to me. He told me that it was just his retirement worries that made him distant. I knew nothing of anything else until he told me in June. (Mono's love for his friend started in January when I was dumped by Leo, and Mono needed some fun.) He told me that it was likely just a one-shot deal with her. He said I should carry on with Brad, as he was a good guy and he liked him and wanted him around.
 
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I do recall him saying that if you were to get another lover (besides your gf, him and your husband), he would draw away.

And yet somehow you did get two more boyfriends, and he has drawn away as he said he would. Your style of doing polyamory is not his. He's off doing his own thing. He lost the feeling of specialness he had, I think. His RP having five lovers was too much for him to handle.

I could be totally off base. Just my outsider's perspective.

I am sorry he won't communicate and make a new agreement, or a clean break. You're in limbo and that is a terrible place to be.

I have avoided commenting, for the most part, because I felt that it was better for me to remain uninvolved in the conversation, in case either of you needed a safe place to talk, and contacted me, as I have both of you in the past.

But having seen this brought up, it was the first thing that crossed my mind, as well. I did see where he had said things changed, but even whilst he was promoting your pursuit of Brad, my impression was that it meant: "I can't change her. This is the path of pursuit she desires, even having been told the consequences. Therefore, I will promote her doing it and get on with my life."

I COULD BE WRONG. I never spoke with Mono directly about any of it. This is just my personal impression.

But I do think it's worth a heart-to-heart discussion between you. Maybe it's true and even he isn't looking at it. Or maybe we're all off base, and if you talk about it you two will clarify what it is and that will help. I don't know.

I'm sending lots of hugs to all of you, as always!
 
Thanks, LR. Yes, that could be the case. I have asked Mono several times since meeting Brad, and Mono has said otherwise. But maybe I just haven't been looking at other cues. Maybe I should consider simplifying my life more.
 
I really don't know what to post that isn't more of the same. Mono and I got back from our trip. We had a great time. I understand a lot more of who he is now, having met his family and friends, having seen places where his stories took place. We connected to each other again, as much as possible, under the circumstance.

Now that we are back, I wait, and try not to have a breakdown. End of story. At some point I have to figure out how to open this conversation up again, find the courage.
 
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Trying to feel my feet, live through my heart and consult my brain these days. My life is separating from others, I fear. Damn abandonment issues. I realize it's stupidity on my part, but I am immersed in it, just the same.

Mono is going to spend more time with his female friend, developing their friendship. He has decided she is worth the effort it would take with me to work on a friendship with her. All others are put on hold until such time as he feels like doing the work towards something more than looking and being curious.

PN is talking about one of his female friends and is considering consulting her about something more. No one wants to end our family life and no one is leaving, yet I am FREAKING the fuck out! I'm losing my mind with fear.

Please don't judge me. Something is wrong with me and I can't figure out how to cope with it or fix it. I hear people saying I am being hypocritical, that I have several loves, so why shouldn't others? But that doesn't mean I am not emotionally moved by change and the process of incorporating others into our life, through my others. The threat is huge, regardless. The changes and what they mean are hard to adjust to. It makes me want to run, end everything, break up with everyone and live like a hermit. How cowardly that would be.
 
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It's gonna be okay, Red.

The important thing is to make space for all of the feelings/thoughts/fears... to emerge fully into awareness, but from within a space of self-acceptance and self-gentleness and self-warmth.... Welcome the feeling-thoughts in an atmosphere of trust in the process. It'll be fine.
 
:)
 
I realize its stupidity on my part, but I am immersed in it just the same.

These and other words in your post have me thinking that you're judging yourself for having these thought-feelings which you don't think you should be having....

Try being compassionate toward yourself in this, accepting that this is indeed what you're feeling and that it's okay to feel whatever you feel. Be curious about the thought-feelings rather than holding yourself in contempt about it.

This will allow you to become more intimate with yourself and will open up possibilities of insight and healing.

Also, allow trusted other/s to help you to "process" this stuff. When you're ready and it feels okay to do so.
 
Change is always hard because it leads to the unknown. Maybe rather looking forward into the unknown ahead of you, you may want to look back at other scary changes and how those worked out in the end. It sucks that you have to go through it to come out the other side though. <3
 
I feel you, lady. I've had a bunch of lovers since my gf and I got together (though not in the last year and a half, aside from my bf), and now that she finally has someone new in her life I'm constantly having to beat back feelings of "But why don't you love me anymore???" and I feel dumb about it. It's a natural human thing, I think. Ask for reassurance from your partners, take care of yourself, and find productive things to focus on. Only time will show you whether or not you ever had anything to worry about, but from here it seems like you're very well loved and like things really will be ok.
 
These and other words in your post have me thinking that you're judging yourself for having these thought-feelings which you don't think you should be having....

Try being compassionate toward yourself in this, accepting that this is indeed what you're feeling and that it's okay to feel whatever you feel. Be curious about the thought-feelings rather than holding yourself in contempt about it.

This will allow you to become more intimate with yourself and will open up possibilities of insight and healing.

Also, allow trusted other/s to help you to "process" this stuff. When you're ready and it feels okay to do so.

What River said!

Hugs!
 
Thanks all. I am greatly appreciating the support.

It bothers me that there are some people in our lives that have said I have no right to have the feelings I do, that I am a hypocrite and should understand what it feels like to have other loves, so why can't I get myself together and just let it go? It's brought up shame for me. I don't know how to let it go. If I did, do they not think I would have at this point? I have to go through my emotions and pick them apart until there is nothing left to gnaw on. I think that is the only way I can see to be able to get to a place of peace.
 
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Do these people who are giving you a hard time know that this is happening in the context of Mono pursuing his new relationship in a way that most poly people (or so it seems to me from my reading here, at least) wouldn't find ethically acceptable? I mean, it seems like that must be having an impact on your ability to be cool with things. You dont have the option to meet her, come to trust her, the stuff that normally a poly person suffering new-metamour-jitters could do to reassure themselves.
 
Well I'm not exactly sure. There is only one that I know of, and the rest are whom Mono has been talking to. (He has talked to the women he is curious about and his female friend too.). I don't know what they know, other than what I mentioned.

I don't think the way in which Mono wishes to conduct his relationships comes into play when all that they see (assuming, based on my conversations with non-poly people and some stuff he's said) is me sitting here whining about my needs and boundaries, when I have several other people to call upon to fill them. The understanding is not there, when none of the people he spends time with, talking to, are poly, as far as I know, or know us at all as a family.

Most people he tells about our dynamic seem to want to know why he doesn't have someone else, and why PN doesn't. It seems there is some belief that I am not letting them. I can't do much about that assumption.

From what I understand, this has affected Mono's image of himself. Part of this began with his need to be free enough to blow them off by saying he could have the same. The thing is, that need for freedom seems to have led to him wanting to have a completely separate life, coming in and out of mine as he chooses, when he wants to be near family. Hiding portions of his life from me. It would make him look more presentable to others if he were completely a free spirit with no ties to us, other than what HE wants. He could then look better in their eyes perhaps, and not have to feel anything negative when they say I am the center of the universe around here and I should suck it up, as I am being hypocritical. I think he feels like he has no control and looks wimpy. That's for him to talk about though.

I don't want to put words in Mono's mouth. I have been trying not to. I have been trying to speak from where I am, so please take anything I say from that perspective. I can only guess, from what he has said. I am not an authority and unless he says it here himself, I would like it if what I say can be considered as just my interpretation of his words.
 
I would advise to stop talking about your feelings with people who are judgemental about them. I am sure it is doing much more harm than good.

*hugs*
 
The issue isn't that Mono wants to add people to his life, it's how your relationship is changing. These outside people only see it through their glass window as they look in. They don't see (or don't care) how the interpersonal dynamic between the two of you is shifting and causing fears and insecurities to rise to the surface. This is new and unexplored territory for the two of you and there are so many twists and turns that with just a few missteps, things can go catastrophically wrong. Of course you are going to be terrified and unsettled.

How many people freak out and see all the things that can go wrong, when their military spouse is deployed for the first time (or the first time in their relationship)? This is really no different.
 
Thank goodness this Christmas will be a quiet one this year. I need a break and some peace. Silence will be welcomed. Oh yeah, I live with three boys and video games are coming in from Santa. Likely not to be quiet around here. :p

We are all hunkering down at home this year on our own. Just the four of us.

Derby leaves tomorrow with her husband and their kids, to go to her hometown to visit. Brad is spending time at home with his family. I will make Christmas treats with him tomorrow night. He and his boy are coming over Christmas Eve to spend some time with me and exchange gifts. We are spending time with PN's mum on Christmas Day and time with my parents at the island home on Boxing Day for a couple of nights. Mono, LB and I will go up. This weekend PN is taking LB to visit his dad on another island, so Mono and I will have the day together. We have several parties to go to together this weekend, also. PN is keeping it low key and not going out much. I will be spending a lot of social time with Mono, it seems. Same as it usually goes for us.

I am looking forward to Solstice tomorrow morning, as it is a time when I clear my thoughts and mind and think about the year ahead. As is the tradition I go and take a coffee down to the ocean and watch the sun rise. It's a clear night. Perhaps that means a clear dawn.

In the past years, Mono has been with me. Most of the time LB is too. This year it looks like Mono, LB and I will be there.

It seems significant this year, for some reason. Maybe because of the hype of the Mayan calendar ending, maybe due to the struggles I have been having of late. Maybe there really is a shift about to occur for me and my life. If there is, I wish for it to mean that everyone is satisfied with the result of that shift. I wish for everyone to not be harmed, only helped in their lives.
 
I had a wonderful Solstice. I felt as if there was a shift. We stood and watched the sun come up on a mild morning. I felt grounded and in my body.

I'm holding on to that as best I can now, in light of recent information and consequent continuation of fear, disappointment, sadness, lack of control over a decision, due to lack of information.

I am wondering how long my other partners can hold out on my inability to not be able to move right now. I am unable to be with anyone but myself, for the most part, and it's slowly taking a toll. It's much easier to go through stuff alone. Having partners means support, but also some responsibility to them in terms of working on our stuff together also. I don't seem to be able to do that right now.

More to come. Things are all too new and still in process. I wouldn't know where to start right now.
 
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