This is a lot of work. (TP's story, when she feels like updating)

I've been on meds the majority of my adult life as well. I went off them a little over a year ago. I still have one for as needed anxiety, but I no longer take anything all the time. I hit a few rough spots, but for the most part have done really well.

What has worked for me is journaling, or blogging when I am feeling good, and looking at it when I am in a deppressive fit. It helps me remember that this is not me, and not who I want to be. IT's the chemicals and my own inability to deal with things. Once I get a grip on how strong and confident I know I am , it makes coming out of it a lot quicker and a lot easier.

Good luck to you! I know weaning can be hard. I hit one of my worst patches when I came off the meds completely. I was about to go back on them (the Karma/Cricket drama first started about 2 months after I was off my meds. Great time to find out about a bunch of affairs!!) when I reminded myself that this is exactly the type of thing I will have to deal with and I can do it. Once got through the withdrawl symptoms I started feeling a lot better.

Hope it is a smooth process for you and it all works out!
 
I've never been good with journaling... Tend to feel stupid when I go back and read, whether it's good or bad stuff. I've only reread this blog once, and that was enough!

I was hoping for a tradeoff... I know the meds even out my mood, but hopefully I can use natural highs, which would otherwise get "flattened", to get motivated to do things like exercise, etc. that will in turn improve my mood and compensate for the lows that will also naturally occur.
 
Hi TP, sounds like things are going well. Good to hear! Yes, do come back and post when things are good - not only do all of us want to read good news, it helps to remind you of your blessings.

I was prescribed antidepressants only twice in my life, the most recent after my husband left and I became a sobbing heap for about three months straight. I was prescribed an SSRI to help me through. It worked for the first few months, I think. Crying jags decreased. Then the doc upped my dosage.

Unfortunately, the side effects were too much. I am someone who normally rarely gets headaches and I was having them all day every day, and the moodswings and crying jags were back. After a month of that, and having seriously suicidal thoughts, I went off them - now I know I can't really compare my short experience to yours, but I wanted to pass along what I began doing to soften the withdrawal process. Since I couldn't take it anymore and my doc hadn't gotten back to me with a new scrip for something else, I just stopped taking them cold. In their place, I started taking 5-HTP from the health food store. I had found numerous message boards where folks who had been on all sort of antidepressants switched to 5-HTP and were very happy. I also read about a controversial study that has been pooh-poohed by the larger medical community, in which they determined that antidepressants are no more effective than placebos. Food for thought. After going off the SSRIs, I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms and -- thank the universe -- the headaches were gone. They literally stopped the day after I stopped taking the prescription meds. 5-HTP does something with serotonin. With that I am taking L-Tyrosine, after someone here recommended it to help with the 5-HTP, Ginkgo Biloba, and Ginseng. So far, so good!!

When I finally got to see my shrink, he said we'll meet again after a month and see how it goes. Fortunately, he knows about naturopathic remedies, too. He said we can also try SAME or St. John's Wort (separately, not all at once) if the 5-HTP doesn't do a good job. But I am feeling so much better now, I think I'll stick with it. Next step in keeping my depression at bay will be regular exercise - if I can make it a habit. So important!!

All the best to you...
 
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Fuzzy, but stable

Weaning is going as well as can be expected. I have this uncomfortable "itchy" feeling inside my body ... I feel like if I could take my skin off and scratch the inside of it, I would experience much relief. It's an uncomfortable, but manageable feeling. Much better than the cold turkey brain zaps. :(

To update on various things ... Vinny was not interested. Said he wanted to see someone exclusively. That is understandable, and we're still on good terms. (I made a joke about being happy that asking him out was over, as I hate that part, and he agreed that it's not a favourite activity of his as well. :p ) I look forward to seeing him again when diving season gets underway.

So, I've started looking on Plenty of Fish. (OKC is not a good resource around here.) Indigo and Mr. A are both supportive of this, no matter which sex a potential partner might be. I am a very lucky gal.

I clearly state in my profile that I'm happily married, with a boyfriend, and in an open and poly relationship. It's been interesting ... I've had some fun questions, but no hatemail. (Yet!)

I'll keep you posted, though I'm not seriously looking. (Just window shopping! :p)
 
I could never handle the side effects of meds. Have tried them off and on throughout the past 14 years -- whenever depression gets a tight hold, I cave in and try again. Never works. I hate being a zombie. Prozac sent me manic a couple times, and that was scary as hell.

They say that exercise can be as effective as a mild anti-depressant. So even though I'd MUCH rather take a pill and get on with it... I've been trying to take more long walks. Not only does it get me out of the house, I get a brighter perspective when I'm out in the world, my heart is healthier, plus my butt gets some toning, which is a great side effect, for sure!

Good luck, TP! :)
 
I could never handle the side effects of meds. Have tried them off and on throughout the past 14 years -- whenever depression gets a tight hold, I cave in and try again. Never works. I hate being a zombie. Prozac sent me manic a couple times, and that was scary as hell.

They say that exercise can be as effective as a mild anti-depressant. So even though I'd MUCH rather take a pill and get on with it... I've been trying to take more long walks. Not only does it get me out of the house, I get a brighter perspective when I'm out in the world, my heart is healthier, plus my butt gets some toning, which is a great side effect, for sure!

Good luck, TP! :)

Prozac sent me hypo-manic, too! It was crazy, because I didn't even realize it was happening, but looking back I can see it. (Of particular note was dragging my BF at the time home for sex at lunch when I'd previously had no sex drive. :S ) I had wicked nightmares on the stuff and terrible anxiety.

I'd much rather take a pill and get on with it, too, but the pills really aren't working. I'm not at the point yet where I can just get up and go for a walk when I feel crappy. However, I have noticed that when I have a fleeting impulse to do something (such as a household chore), it's much easier to follow through.

Baby steps!
 
Seeing the light ...

Mr. A said something last night that made me smile. "It's weird how the more open we are to other people, the closer we feel to each other."

I experienced the very same thing with Indigo when I started seeing Mr. A, and have seen that sentiment echoed tens of times on this forum. I'm so very happy he's found this nugget himself.

Ah poly! What a beautiful thing you are! :)
 
No shame (in a good way)

Mr. A is coming to visit this weekend. I am very happy for a number of reasons. The most obvious is that I haven't seen him for two weeks, so I look forward to the comfort offered by physical closeness.

Second, I'm excited to have him in our home. I miss our weekly dates, the three of us. It brought me such joy to see him and Indigo together, nerding out over some thing or another. I can't wait to sit back and enjoy their friendship. :)

Finally, I'm happy that this visit was negotiated with such ease. This will be the first time Mr. A has stayed overnight at our house, as when he lived in town I went to his place. Indigo has no issue with us sharing the air mattress in the spare room. In fact, he even offered up our bed with him on the air mattress, but that wouldn't have felt right to me. Besides, we're in need of a new bed and the air mattress is actually comfier. ;)

Last night, I asked Indigo what he thought was reasonable in terms of alone time for me and Mr. A. It was easier to ask than I thought it would be. Awesomely enough, we had the same thing in mind: alone time when Mr. A arrives Saturday night, and some time Sunday afternoon. There will be texts/calls to make sure there are no surprises for me and Mr. A, and, more importantly, so that Indigo doesn't feel unwelcome in his own home or uncomfortable coming back. I do want alone time, but I feel the group time is just as important in maintaining four healthy relationships. I'm very, very pleased that we have struck a nice balance between the two.

So yeah. Good times to be had by all this weekend. :):)
 
Yay!

I can't begin to tell you how much I enjoy reading your blog. It makes me so happy to see how you all negotiate, communicate, and love each other. I read your story and feel hopeful about the possibilities for myself! Thank you for being so open in sharing this aspect of your lives with us!
 
MSN Excerpt

Fuck, I'm a lucky gal.

*************************
TruckerPete
i feel like shit
very anxious today​
Mr. A
*hugs*
I love you very much, and I'm not going anywhere, no matter what other relationships you decide to embark on
Just sayin'​
TruckerPete
well, you hit the nail on the head :eek:
haha​
Mr. A
I pay attention good!​
TruckerPete
thank you​
*************************
 
I just finished reading your blog from start to finish. Parts of it resonated for me so much, I read them aloud to my hubby.

I love snuggling down between my guys and listening to them geek out. Their friendship makes me feel all kinds of warm and squishy inside.

I found your thoughts on coming out insightful and pertinent to my own situation, and what you wrote about accepting your relationships rather than ranking them was inspirational and was one of the bits I read to Thumper.

I haven't blogged here because my relationship has been happy and successful. After reading yours, I figure I should.
 
I quoted your title at the end of my first blog post. It is a lot of work, but it's work worth doing.
 
So my love my love I went slightly board crazy...reading and posting and deciding not to post for fear my filter would come off and then I'd be a troll with anything constructive being lost in the mire...anyhoo I just wanted to say after reading some posts I appreciate your understanding and willingness to listen and act on my concerns when we started down this path more now...

Love you very much wifey...
 
Mandatory Update

So ... it's been a while!

Okay, let's start with meds. I'm down to roughly a quarter dose of my Cymbalta. It's hard to measure, since it's in bead form. When I forget to take my dose, I still get withdrawal symptoms, so I amd not sure how I'm going to get off. I have a strong suspicion that I'll need to start counting out beads. :(

Clonazepam is down to a couple of times a week. Olanzapine is still at nothing. That one is done, as far as I'm concerned. The sleeping pills are also at maybe a few times a month. Hurrah!

There have been exactly two days since starting my medication that I've woken up without nasty anxiety. *sigh* That really is the worst part now. I no longer enjoy my morning coffee. I may start cutting it out all together.

It's much easier to wake up now, and my routine is slowly improving in terms of being ready and out the door on time. Baby steps.

I haven't started any sort of exercise yet, but I have noticed that I feel more inclined to do things. Hopefully that inclination will grow past the tipping point.

Since December, I've lost 15 of the 20lbs the olanzapine packed on. I am happy with this progress. I have been watching what I eat and eating smaller portions. I feel full much more quickly, and make sure I acknowledge this feeling and actually stop eating when it happens. Once I get some physical activity into my routine, the weight loss should really kick in.

And poly things ... Well, everything is going well to be perfectly honest. That is why it's hard to update!

I'm going to Mr. A's parents' for Easter. This is thrilling beyond words. I am so happy to be included in their lives and accepted by them, minus the fact that they don't know about Indigo. Ah well. Cross that bridge when we come to it.

I'm so relieved that the long distance is working with Mr. A. We are both making an effort to show the other person that they're in our thoughts and appreciated, while still maintaining our own independent lives. We're pretty awesome at communicating what we need to each other. The distance sucks, but we're doing well. I would really consider this my first successful LDR. All other attempts have resulted in me pining away or becoming too dependent on the other person.

Indigo and I would like to start trying for kids in the fall. As much as I want it, I'm petrified! Mr. A fully supports us, and expected it to happen soon. I hope he will be able to stick around through the radical shift in priorities that will happen with kids in the picture. There will definitely be some serious talks about expectations and changes in the nearish future.

Indigo is still struggling with guilt over the difference in our libidos. I can only help him so much. I can not pressure him, I can reassure him, I can love him, but he's the only one who can stop the guilt. It is difficult to see his pain and not be able to fix it. But, I remind myself that as long as I'm being loving and supporting, he is responsible for his own feelings. I will not own that guilt. I can't. I have enough of my own baggage! ;) We've had some kickass sex this week, so it's nice that our own issues aren't carrying over to that to the same extent they used to.

I have a FWB. I'll call him Rowsdower. We've been seeing each other for about a month, maybe a bit more. It's nice and low key. We talk most days, see each other about once a week, and just have fun. There is definitely a friendship there, but I'm certainly not head over heels gaga for him or anything like that. I care about him, and that's that. We are just enjoying each other's company with no greater expectations. It's quite nice! We only have two rules for our relationship. One, if one of us wants to have sex with someone else, the other party must be informed. Two, if one of us develops deeper feelings for the other, we tell them. So far, no conversations have been needed.

So yeah ... That's my life in a nutshell right now!
 
I'm going to Mr. A's parents' for Easter. This is thrilling beyond words. I am so happy to be included in their lives and accepted by them, minus the fact that they don't know about Indigo. Ah well. Cross that bridge when we come to it.

Congrats! Enjoy! Always good to get some interaction with his loved ones in a positive way. How long have you and Mr A been involved at this point?

Indigo is still struggling with guilt over the difference in our libidos. I can only help him so much. I can not pressure him, I can reassure him, I can love him, but he's the only one who can stop the guilt. It is difficult to see his pain and not be able to fix it. But, I remind myself that as long as I'm being loving and supporting, he is responsible for his own feelings. I will not own that guilt. I can't. I have enough of my own baggage!

Going through this with Hubs. And I must say I haven't been pressuring but it confuses me much of the time. Not sure if I am not pressuring because I want him to work through it himself OR because I have 2rings fulfilling that part of my life.:confused:

I have a FWB. I'll call him Rowsdower. We've been seeing each other for about a month, maybe a bit more. It's nice and low key. We talk most days, see each other about once a week, and just have fun. There is definitely a friendship there, but I'm certainly not head over heels gaga for him or anything like that. I care about him, and that's that. We are just enjoying each other's company with no greater expectations. It's quite nice! We only have two rules for our relationship. One, if one of us wants to have sex with someone else, the other party must be informed. Two, if one of us develops deeper feelings for the other, we tell them. So far, no conversations have been needed.

Would you say this is a loving relationship or casual friendship? Curiosity about your definitions of FWB vs having deeper feelings.

Good read so far. Thanks for sharing!;)
 
Congrats! Enjoy! Always good to get some interaction with his loved ones in a positive way. How long have you and Mr A been involved at this point?

Nine months. Damn it's gone quickly. This has been a busy year!

Would you say this is a loving relationship or casual friendship? Curiosity about your definitions of FWB vs having deeper feelings.

Just a casual friendship. Although, I have had loving FWB relationships before. They all fall within the FWB definition for me.
 
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