So, in another post i explained how my husband told me a while ago he didn't want to live a poly lifestyle with me (me being with him and my boyfriend in a V). We had very very diffecult weeks. Started therapy and after our first intake he adviced us to focus first on accepting the difference in opinion. Not try to convince the other, but to accept. Well, i find i don't realy know what to do with that. On one hand it gives me peace for the time being. But on the other hand, what is the difference in 'knowing' or observing' 'the difference in opinion and realy 'accept' it.
So what i tried to do while i try to accept it is:
- stop convincing my husband (i get better at it, but sometimes it is still hard!)
- focus on both the good and the bad in our relationship. The good by mentionning it more often (i think it is good to focus on the good things already in our mariage). The bad by trying to improve my own behaviour and show it to my husband. Since therapy i planned a baby sitter one night to go and sport with my husband, i send him more messages, give him more attention, more sex, i complement him more, i do a lot in the house (more than before cleaning but also painting a door for example, knowing he dislikes the ammount of jobs still need to be done in the house), i cut down some financial things because he thinks i spend too much, i try to have more balance in between him and my BF, etc.
Next to what í concider 'working on our relationship' is, i ask him often what hé needs me to work on. I give him the chance to express what he needs. He doesn't answer.
So now we are in a poly-situation for the time being while my husband doesn't accept my hand in working together. He feels i only do it to make him accept poly. Well, maybe that is my biggest wish, yes, but i truely feel we need to work on these things anyways. If we stay in a mono, poly or even divorced situation; we have kids together so we have to find solutions in the cracks of our relationship. I have seen many people get divorced and the small cracks that made them decide to get divorced got even bigger after the part of loving each other passed. And because we have a family i feel we have to face it one way or another.
So, without forcing or convinsing my husband into anything: i need some guidance to help us in the current situation.
- What can i do as a poly partner to make my husband feel loved, needed, and ok with me needing him and also needing somebody else? Are there poly advices for me??? Cause at this point i feel like there is nothing i can do to make him feel loved, but to pretend i am mono.
- What can he do to find his way as a mono partner of a woman who loves him deeply but also loves somebody else??
He is struggling so hard and closing up on me. I feel from deep inside that he is strong enough, that he can enjoy a life with me even if i am poly. I feel that he has thoughts and values from society, from his past that doesn't help him and if he is able to let that go we can be so good together. Even him loving me and maybe experiencing with another woman for example (we were both young and he has even less experience than me with relationships). I think he can realy fly, have good experiences from the safety of our good nest. Just like me. Anyhow, i notice me getting in the trying to convince-mode again. I am convinced, that is obvious. He is not. But for the time being:
please tips for both the mono and the poly partner!!
So what i tried to do while i try to accept it is:
- stop convincing my husband (i get better at it, but sometimes it is still hard!)
- focus on both the good and the bad in our relationship. The good by mentionning it more often (i think it is good to focus on the good things already in our mariage). The bad by trying to improve my own behaviour and show it to my husband. Since therapy i planned a baby sitter one night to go and sport with my husband, i send him more messages, give him more attention, more sex, i complement him more, i do a lot in the house (more than before cleaning but also painting a door for example, knowing he dislikes the ammount of jobs still need to be done in the house), i cut down some financial things because he thinks i spend too much, i try to have more balance in between him and my BF, etc.
Next to what í concider 'working on our relationship' is, i ask him often what hé needs me to work on. I give him the chance to express what he needs. He doesn't answer.
So now we are in a poly-situation for the time being while my husband doesn't accept my hand in working together. He feels i only do it to make him accept poly. Well, maybe that is my biggest wish, yes, but i truely feel we need to work on these things anyways. If we stay in a mono, poly or even divorced situation; we have kids together so we have to find solutions in the cracks of our relationship. I have seen many people get divorced and the small cracks that made them decide to get divorced got even bigger after the part of loving each other passed. And because we have a family i feel we have to face it one way or another.
So, without forcing or convinsing my husband into anything: i need some guidance to help us in the current situation.
- What can i do as a poly partner to make my husband feel loved, needed, and ok with me needing him and also needing somebody else? Are there poly advices for me??? Cause at this point i feel like there is nothing i can do to make him feel loved, but to pretend i am mono.
- What can he do to find his way as a mono partner of a woman who loves him deeply but also loves somebody else??
He is struggling so hard and closing up on me. I feel from deep inside that he is strong enough, that he can enjoy a life with me even if i am poly. I feel that he has thoughts and values from society, from his past that doesn't help him and if he is able to let that go we can be so good together. Even him loving me and maybe experiencing with another woman for example (we were both young and he has even less experience than me with relationships). I think he can realy fly, have good experiences from the safety of our good nest. Just like me. Anyhow, i notice me getting in the trying to convince-mode again. I am convinced, that is obvious. He is not. But for the time being:
please tips for both the mono and the poly partner!!