New and Scared

Bangel

New member
Hello all,
New to this whole thing and frieghtened to no end. My wife of 4 years has recently told me that she is in love with my bestfriend who lives upstairs from us and he is in love with her. I am a mono person so this is very hard for me. She would like to start to have a relationship with him and keep our marrage at the same time. I am having all the normal feelings of fear, being jealous, anger, aloneness, and if I am enough for her. I will admit I have not made things easy for any of us. I have had issues with controlling my emotions of late whcich have put stain on our marrage. I do not want this but she keeps telling me this would be the best for all of us. I have not spoken to my best friend in a week because I feel that if he was my friend he would have stepped away. Maybe my emotions getting the best of me again. I am scared that my marrage is falling apart. I love my wife with all of my heart and to think of her with another man breaks it even more. I am looking for advice and counseling. I do not want to lose my wife but nor do I want to share her with some one else. Please help!!!!!!!!
 
Hi,
My husband and I found ourselves in a similar situation. We tried fighting my feelings for several years. Finally we agreed to open our marriage to his best friend last October. It's had its grueling moments, and there were times we both thought we would divorce. But as of today, it's working out very well. Some of the initial emotional shock has worn off and we feel very stable in our marriage. I have had the chance to love someone who grew to mean so much to me, while keeping our marriage and our family intact. The fact that my husband loved me enough to let this be possible -- wow, it makes me love him all the more!

The beginning is H-A-R-D. There are so many things to work through -- setting boundaries, being brutally honest, it is ridiculously difficult. In my opinion it's been worth it, and I know my husband is happy we are still together. He still wishes I could have stayed monogamous, but he accepts the love I have in my heart for his friend. Bonus -- it has brought him and his friend closer too.

Watch "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid." We've sort of modeled our whole V after the relationship in the movie!

Good luck, and stick with the forum -- there are people here who can help get you through anything.
 
Carma,
I guess what I do not understand is what makes this so wonderful? What does everyone get out of this? What is the benefits? For someone like me who is mono it just seems like cheating with permission. I am in no way knocking this I am just trying to understand. I have asked them numerous times but they both seem to be getting iratated with me saying that they are just repeating themselves. They say there would be more love for everyone but from my perspective it seems that I would lose the time and affection from my wife now that I am sharing her with someone else. I am by no means saying that this is not a possability I am just trying to understand how this all works. I would imagine it works differently with everyone and sometime may not work at all. Thank you for your insight and appreciate any more that you might have seeing as you have been in a similar situation.
 
For us the benefit was we did not get a divorce. Because the feelings I had were too strong to fight -- I tried, for 4 years. But I did NOT stop loving my husband, so losing him, and our family, would have been just as awful as denying my love for the other man. I couldn't bear to choose either one, and I felt ripped in two.

I never thought there could be a third option -- yes, "having my cake and eating it too" -- but my husband loves me so much he thought I deserved to!

Of course the benefits do seem to be more mine than my husband's. I guess the fact that I recognize that, and I'm extremely grateful to him for it, means he gets my gratitude and appreciation, multiplied!

He admires my big heart. He knows I went into this because I cared so much, because my heart was bleeding for this man, and I was overwhelmed with compassion for him. My boyfriend has been through a lot the past 4 years, and we (my husband and I both) watched and suffered along with him. I truly felt "called" to love him, to help heal him (yes, "sexual healing" included!;)) and I couldn't be happy knowing he wasn't. My husband knows me, and he gets that.

My self-esteem is boosted, knowing that I am sexy and desirable to two men who find me beautiful and capable of loving them wholeheartedly. That in turn makes me feel more sexy, which in turn leads to... more sex, and a happy hubby!

We joke and laugh a lot about the unconventional life we are living. We are proud of ourselves, for being so daring to try this out. We have a "little secret" but it is not mine alone, as an affair would be. This is something we share. Weird, I know, but still bonding in a strange way.

And poly means there is no need for cheating, because of the honesty. "Cheating with permission"? How can that still be "cheating," at all? Maybe think of it as "loving, with permission." Then take that a step further and see how silly that is, in the first place: who has the right to give anyone "permission" to LOVE? Love is a right, not a privilege. It's the way sex and love intertwine that gets everything all mixed up. I must admit, we're not there yet, either -- it is still a struggle. Sometimes my husband is ok with the sexual nature of my other relationship, but not the emotional part. Then other times he's freaked out by both. "Friends with benefits" is a difficult balance to keep.

I guess I'm repeating myself but the greatest benefit to my husband is he didn't lose the wife he loves. He thinks I'm worth it. Only you can decide how far you are willing to go to keep your wife. It will take a TON of work and sacrifice, but if she's worth it you should try.
 
Carma,
Was your husband always so willing to let you have this freedom or did he have issues with it? If he did how did you overcome these issues? I have never really been a secure person to begin with and right now even less so. I have so much fear of the future now, I could see the future in my own mind and it was beautiful, now it seems cloudy and unclear. I find myself comparing me to him wondering if he is better than me, is he a better fit for her. I guess these are all normal concerns or feelings but I have got to tell you I don't like them at all. I do want her to be happy, her happiness is my happiness. I am worried about my happiness in this. I know my friend will be happy because he has no one else. I have watched this relationship grow infront of my eyes even when they did not know what was happening, and I was jealous of it then when they said it was nothing and I was just over reacting. I am just not sure if I am strong enough to do this. Where does the strength come from to over come all these negative emotions?
 
same boat...sorta

Bangel,

I hear you and feel such sympathy for you...my heart is breaking to pieces and yet my husband has "found" anyone yet. He wants to be open to look. I suppose if it was my best friend it would be a double edged sword...you loose two meaningful people.

My future is a white wall of nothing now...when not to long ago we were making plans for when the kids leave...don't lose you're self...I feel like I'm slipping away...let's not do that and just decide what's best for us the way they have.

-B
 
Flower,
Thank you for your sympathy. I wish there was an easy fix to this but I love her so much and last night we had a long talk with alot of tears from both of us. I think she now realizes how much pain this is causing me. I know she is in pain to. We need to figure out how to make this work. She knows how I feel and now I am leaving it up to her. I never thought it would hurt like this. I am so afraid of the NRE with them that I think I will get lost or forgotten. Need to know how to deal with these feelings.
 
Having a bad day mind is racing again, I have such anger towards the friend that I do not know if our friendship will last. Strange thing is the wife has been spending alot of time with me and not alot with him. Do not know if she is trying to prove that I am still important to her or what, a little confused. I do know they spend lunch together almost every day during the week. To be a fly on the wall to know what they talk about. Is it me? Is it the situation? Are they ploting to get rid of the Mono. (Paranoid Much) Has there been any Poly/Mono relationships where if it did not work out the Poly stays with the Mono? I would gues not do to the nature of the relationship. I would imagine that the Poly would stay with the partner that accepts this life style. Sorry for the rambling but just having a bad day.
 
I guess what I do not understand is what makes this so wonderful? What does everyone get out of this? What is the benefits? For someone like me who is mono it just seems like cheating with permission.

Well, Bangel, your introduction to the topic was far from ideal! Far better would have been a discussion of the subject prior to your wife falling in love with your best friend! I can't imagine more difficult ways to begin to explore the poly world.

That said, I do think polyamory is wonderful and that there are many, many benefits to poly as contrasted with monogamy. One benefit is that for most human beings, variety really is the spice of life. I hope it's also obvious that one can ruin a good soup by over-spicing it. (Which reminds me..., heh, did you know that the plural of spouse is spice?) It is my opinion that non-monogamy is far more innate and natural for us humans than monogamy -- though we've all had the reverse pounded into us from since we were knee high to a grasshopper. So, as I see it, polyamory is one of the best ways to be honest and express our true nature as human beings.

I don't believe real human loving is either possessive or essentially fearful in quality. Quite the opposite, really. So, as I see it, the practice of polyamory is a sort of spiritual practice which deepens both our experience of and understanding about love. (This view, of course, contrasts sharply with much of religion, but so what?)

It's crucial that we understand how intensely conditioned we've been by the conventional monogmistic notions of love we were raised up within, and stay mindful of this fact while we ride the waves of emotion which inevitably come up as we deal with situations like yours. Monogamy is our culture's "default setting" for notions of love, but that's no excuse for resentment or anger or fearful demands and expectations. These feelings may come up, but
you are now challenged with finding tenderness and love despite them, beyond them. You don't have to choose the poly life. It isn't something that can be imposed upon you. But you can take these apparent lemons and add some honey and water and make some lemonaide. Sometimes love requires us to face seemingly insurmountable hurdles which can deepen our love beyond measure, if we allow it.
 
Last edited:
Having a bad day mind is racing again, I have such anger towards the friend that I do not know if our friendship will last.

What I'm about to say, Bangel, may seem absurd to you, even cruel. But I'm going to say it anyway, because I think it is true -- and because I think it is good medicine.

You've probably never in your life so needed to love yourself fully as you need this now. You really need to give yourself unquestioned, unpremeditated and utterly unconditional love now. I mean, harbor not a fraction of a second of doubt about your worth. Do not entertain thoughts of "I'm less; I'm not good enough... (etc.)".

It does not perhaps seem to be so, but you could make of this situation a great opportunity for rapid healing and growth, and much more love in your life.

You can forgive your friend, forgive your wife, forgive yourself, and have a glorious heart-expansion that will reveal dimentions of love you've never imagined possible.

Please keep this in mind and heart over the coming days.

We're with you in love.
 
I think its ok to be scared. In my house my hubs and I talked for months before we decided to actually add someone in our relationship.
To kind of help you here..Im also a wife who loved my hubs best friend. My now ex bf and hubs were best friends for many many years before I came along. So maybe I can help you from the other side of the coin that your not seeing..
My hubs is a wonderful man who I love more than life itself. I would trade him for all the chocolate in the world(and I love me some chocolate :D) My hubs provides me with more love than I can explain. A wonderful father to our 2 sometimes crazy boys. (ok mostly crazy) When we embarked on this journey I picked his friend. Because not only would I have someone I loved but it would also be someone he related to. Could hang out with. And be comfortable around. It really isnt all about the sex. I wil lsay it was super hard for me to tell my hubby that I loved someone else too. But honesty is the best way to go no matter how hard it is. If anything after 12 years of marriage. I love him more than ever. We embarked on a journey with my now ex bf and I will say our relationship is better for it. I feel more open with hubby. The trust level.. just wow. There is a stronger bond between my hubs and I.
My hubs is my rock. My bf was the one who made me laugh instead of cry.
When my hubs couldnt be there for me while he worked etc. my bf was. I never felt alone to face anything.
Some nights when hubby was to tired from work and I needed...well sex honestly. I received that from bf. You know its always nice to have different perspectives on decisions etc...Well I had 2 that I trusted. So I could ask both.
My hubs had a friend he could trust to take care of me. My hubs had someone who could help him out when he was just to dang worn out. My hubs had time to do some of his hobbies while I visited with bf. Because honestly hubs hobby is not mine and to me its like understanding Chinese. which I dont lol.
We both benefited from this relationship more than words can supply. But communication is the key. Talk about it. Sit down and say look. Im really not comfortable with this can we talk about it for awhile. This is not something you just jump into. My hubs and I have been married 12 years. All mono. Its only recently we began poly. I have learned a lot just reading posts on here. And I think if your that uncomfortable with the situation than you shouldnt do that. She needs to understand your point of view and you need to listen to hers. Because it may not be as bad as you think. Dont think its shes plotting against you. But she should respect your feelings in the matter. I would have never done anything if hubs wasnt on board.
Chris
 
My future is a white wall of nothing now...

This does seem like quite a severe reaction. Much pain. Much fear.

Are you able to find tenderness toward yourself, now that you need it so?

Can you deepen your breath? Let the pain go?

Breathe now, breathe often and deeply. Explore the depths of the breath. Feel and know breathing.
 
River,
Thank you for your words of incouragement and I will start to think of myself. It has been a long time since I have done so. I am the type of person that will usually put others infront of myself. Their happiness is my happiness but along the way I have lost my happiness if that makes sense. There was a long conversation last night with the friend and I expressed my anger but not in a screaming and I hate you way. I told him that I was angery at him for wanting this and I had been thinking that maybe our friendship was over. I also told him that he has been a great friend to both me and my wife so I was torn in to different directions. I know the wife has been missing the three of us together so I am making an effort to try to rebuild this dynamic. Also found out that he is unsure of this arrangment as well. Kind of made me feel a little better knowing I am not the only one who is having issues with this. The wife says she sees a wonderful life with all of us together but him and I are not sure. I guess it is good that we are all talking right now. I wish my wife could explain what she sees and how she views it all working out but she cannot explain it. Is this normal to only go by a feeling and not have some sort of plan? I am one of those everything has a manual or directions to follow kinda of guy. I have been reading alot of threads with Mono/Poly relationships and it seems that all have had similar issues. I guess what it comes down to is if all are not for it should we try it because she wants it? I love her so much that I do want her to be happy but the Mono in me wishes it was just me that could satisfy her. Unrealistic I know because in reality one person does not give you everything you need. Please keep comenting and I will take all advice and suggestions.
 
Just3,
thank you for your input, it is nice to read about others issues and relationship successes. We still need to talk about alot of things and it will probably take me awhile to be comfortable with this if we decide to do it. I know alot of my issues are insecurity, fear and jealousy. I do find it interesting that I do not have any issue with the emotional attachment between the two, actually I perfer it, I care for them so I would like them to care for each other. My biggest issue is with the physical, just thinking of them touching each other gives me anxiety. This is the one thing they have both said they would like. To be able to show affection towards each other, al the way to sex if they so choose. I wish I did not have such feeling of fear and jealousy. How do you get past this? Thank you for sharing your story with me every little bit helps and I seem to take something away from all of you in this.
 
My biggest issue is with the physical, just thinking of them touching each other gives me anxiety. This is the one thing they have both said they would like. To be able to show affection towards each other, all the way to sex if they so choose. I wish I did not have such feeling of fear and jealousy. How do you get past this? Thank you for sharing your story with me every little bit helps and I seem to take something away from all of you in this.

First of all, I must say it is refreshing to read that you would rather your wife have an emotional connection than anything else. It has become a pet peeve of mine when I see so many husbands "pimping out" their wives, so to speak, but freak out when feelings develop. Human beings have feelings, and intimacy is so much more than the physical. Anyway, back to you...

Regarding the quote I included above, I don't know if this will help you, but maybe it will. I have come to learn that things have meaning to us when we give them meaning. Sex, in and of itself, doesn't mean anything, unless we tell ourselves it does. So, if we believe that it proves our partner loves us if they only have sex with us, or something like that, we have attached meaning to a physical act. A belief is just a belief and sex is just a physical activity. So, it helps to look at those beliefs and the meanings we give things and see if we can reframe them or make adjustments in our views.

Now, I think that when two people get together and share themselves sexually, it can be just some physical fun or it can be a way to connect emotionally and solidify a relationship. Either way, I've always considered sex as a form of communication.

That's right, it's simply a way to communicate. It is two (or more - ha!) people coming together and expressing themselves through their bodies and touch. It is an interaction through which we can get to know someone else on a level that doesn't need intellectualizing or verbal language. Just another way to connect with someone. Sometimes there is more of an emotional connection, and other times, it's more physical. Remember, sex doesn't have meaning beyond what we will ascribe to it.

Does that help in any way?
 
NYCINDIE,
You are right that for me sex has alot of meaning to me, it is when you are at your most vulnerable and most intimate. It is reaching for that ultimate connection with some one that is very speacial to you. I believe that if sex had no meaning then why were clothes and everyone would be having sex in the streets and who you have sex with would not matter. That is not how it is we choose the poeple we slept with because of a connection to those people. Not saying one night stands do not happen or that I myself have not had a few in my day, but for the most part sex does have meaning specially with emotional connection. Yes sex can just be an act but not always. I will try to think of sex with less meaning to it and see if that helps me.

I cannot belive how honest and helpful you all are. You all share your lives with such conviction. It is refreshing to talk to people with such different views on life. Thank you all for your help and advice and please keep it coming.
 
Remember, sex doesn't have meaning beyond what we will ascribe to it.

I think this (quoted) statement is partially, even largely or significantly true. However, I think it goes too far. Much too far.

What we call "meaning" (and there are various meanings to "meaning," but I'm talking about the two main ones) is often implicit in activitites and acts as well as things which are, in some sense, outside of language. Part of the "meaning" in a touch or a kiss, or whatever, is context dependent in cultural-historical terms, and so on, but then there is the animal body itself, our human bodies, and they are pulsating with meaning all their own, independent of our conceptualizations and mental-emotional habits or conditionings.

Sex, when it is not rape, when it is voluntary and mutually desired, is intrinsically intimate. There's no getting around that. One can cut themselves off, to varying degrees, to the conscious awareness of this fact, but it is still so. Some of that experience and intimacy dwells in our thoughts and ideas about it, while some of it is simply what is, independent of our language or notions. Indeed, the very apparent gap between the conditioned and the pre- or un-conditioned and the world of thought and language, is part of the pleasure and joy of sexual communion. Sex, like dancing or swimming or skating..., is a non-verbal activity. But there is meaning in any of these activities which is intrinsic ... and yet which is ever so difficult to speak, to talk about.

We do not make all meaning up, and it isn't all a cultural artifact or arbitrary rendition. This we realize when we get under langauge, into our bodies -- as (for example) when making love.
 
The meaning of meaning.

There are two primary conventional meanings of the word meaning. They are:

1.
what is intended to be, or actually is, expressed or indicated; signification; import: the three meanings of a word.

2.
the end, purpose, or significance of something: What is the meaning of life? what is the meaning of this intrusion?

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/meaning

There are other possible meanings to meaning, including one that marries these two together.

If things in the world, independent of language, had no prior meaning, ultimately all meaning would not be possible. Everything would be or become meaningless -- in this third sense of the term.
 
I did not mean to imply that sex is not important or intimate. It is both!

My point was that we often ascribe the act with a certain meaning, which is often wrapped around our beliefs, and this can lead to interpretation.

As an example of what I'm trying to say, let's look at someone who believes that sex should only take place between two people who love each other. Therefore, when sex happens, the act helps confirm to them that their partner loves them. Sex, to this person, has grown to mean love. That can lead to the interpretation that if their partner has sex with someone else, they don't love them anymore. Yet we all know that love can happen without sex and sex can happen without love.

Another belief: that romantic and sexual relationships only have value if monogamous. Therefore, to that person, the idea of a romantic, sexual partnership means monogamy. A variant on that is the belief that when people are sexual and committed to each other, they "belong to" each other, a sort of ownership.

If a partner wishes to cultivate romance with someone else, or have sex with someone else, or both, then these meanings that have been given to their current relationship can lead to interpret the partner's desires or actions as meaning the relationship has less value to them, or it means that they have been "lost" somehow and no longer belong to them.

If one is operating out of both these beliefs, it is easy to feel slighted, unloved, left behind, betrayed, and all that painful stuff when a partner says, "I want a romantic sexual relationship with someone else outside of our relationship." Jealousy often sits on top of other deeper feelings, but there tends to be an element of feeling something that was yours was taken from you. But these are all mostly mental constructs.

Hence, my assertion that sex holds whatever meaning we give it. I thought maybe that would be helpful to the OP in looking at the feelings coming up at the idea of his partner being sexually involved with someone else. It's always good to examine our beliefs and the meanings we give things in our lives. Not saying it is wrong to do that, but that through awareness we can deconstruct how we've set things up in our minds and find ways to handle the impact of issues that bump up against these beliefs and values we've created for ourselves.

Maybe what I've written here makes my point more clear?
 
Last edited:
Carma,
Was your husband always so willing to let you have this freedom or did he have issues with it? If he did how did you overcome these issues? I have never really been a secure person to begin with and right now even less so...

I find myself comparing me to him wondering if he is better than me, is he a better fit for her. I guess these are all normal concerns or feelings but I have got to tell you I don't like them at all. I do want her to be happy, her happiness is my happiness. I am worried about my happiness in this. I know my friend will be happy because he has no one else. I have watched this relationship grow infront of my eyes even when they did not know what was happening, and I was jealous of it then when they said it was nothing and I was just over reacting. I am just not sure if I am strong enough to do this. Where does the strength come from to over come all these negative emotions?


Bangel,
No, he struggled and he still does. He was the one who suggested opening the marriage. He decided it was never going to resolve itself if I had to act like it was over, act like my feelings were gone... it would just be faking, and he knew he would still be suspicious all the time.

He got really crazy for awhile and started secretly recording my bf and I when we would meet up at my house during the day. He wanted to know if we were plotting against him, planning to run off together.
When I found the recorder, I was furious. I had been 100% honest with him (the only good thing about it I guess was the tapes confirmed that!) and he still had major trust issues.

And the comparisons! That was really rough in the beginning. I never compared the two of them, but my husband really did. I do know he never wavered in his faith that no one could love me like he (my husband) does. Still, he felt inadequate in many ways and it really threw him for a loop.

What helped? We went to a great counselor -- poly was new to her but she was familiar with the 60's and 70's "open marriage" concept -- and she worked with my husband one-on-one as well. He needed that sooooo much! Like you, he has been insecure most of his life. Crazy too, since he is a truly beautiful human being, inside and out. She helped boost his confidence greatly, strengthened his sense of self, and validated his feelings about poly -- especially the negative ones he didn't want to vent to me.

Our hope is that the affair with my bf will run its course until he is ready to find a full-time girlfriend and begin a traditional relationship someday. Right now he is in a transitional mode. Eventually he will move on and my husband and I will most likely go back to a monogamous marriage. Poly is really hard but for us it was better than the alternatives.

I'm so glad you have found this forum. It helped us immensely and there are some terrific people here who have walked in similar shoes. Personally, I think they are heroes!
 
Back
Top