Family Functions

crisplove

New member
This weekend my boyfriend is out of town with his primary at his brother's birthday party. I can't get over that ordinarily this would be something that I would go to if I were in a mono relationship.

Next weekend, I'm going to see my family. My aunts and uncle are in from out of town. I'll see my brother, his wife, and my niece and nephew. He won't be coming with me. That sucks too.

I don't think I'm cut out for this :(
 
Do you have scheduled time with him? Have you invited him to your family function? Have you talked to him and told him how you feel? Would you feel comfortable dating someone else?
 
This weekend my boyfriend is out of town with his primary at his brother's birthday party. I can't get over that ordinarily this would be something that I would go to if I were in a mono relationship.

Next weekend, I'm going to see my family. My aunts and uncle are in from out of town. I'll see my brother, his wife, and my niece and nephew. He won't be coming with me. That sucks too.

I don't think I'm cut out for this :(

Sounds like you might want to cut to the core of what it is that is really valuable to you. I am polyamorous because my independence is of ultimate value and I choose to be with people who value it similarly. I go where I want, do as I wish, love (or not) whomever I choose, and never EVER ask for permission... my partners do the same.

What is it that you value in relating to a person romantically? Is it that you always have an automatic date to family functions? Is it that you know you will always be invited to every event your lover goes to?

Do some thinking on what you want and then get involved in relationships which are more likely to yield that kind of outcome. Take responsibility for your feelings and then take the actions needed to take care of yourself.

This is extent of what passes for my "wisdom"
 
i think it's ok and normal that you feel left out and that it seems unfair a bit. And i think it's ok to want a 'date' to an event--things are more fun when you share them with someone special.

How many situations come up that only two of you could go to? for us, it's few. My 3rd would be a 'friend' who went with us if the occasion wasn't with those who know us intimately.

I think there's a way to figure this out but you all have to sit down and talk about it.
 
If I remember right, you, your boyfriend, and metamour are not out. Correct me if I am wrong. Is this one of the reasons why you are not there? Even still, I never just show up somewhere that I have not been invited. I know how I feel about unwanted or surprise guests at my home. Especially if I do not know them. That is a big no-no for me. Did you express interest in going as a friend of theirs? Why is he not coming with you? These instances are reminders why staying closeted has drawbacks, too. I am sorry I do not have much advice to contribute. :(
 
These are all great suggestions. Thank you all:)

Nancy, I don't really have the bandwidth for multiple lovers and I'm not really interested. I'm introverted and I enjoy showering my love with attention. I'm trying this out. Him being with multiple people doesn't seem to bother me as much as what he does with everyone. I have a fairly traditional view of relationships. I'm challenging that view for the first time to see if it's just something I accepted by default or something I actually prefer.

I'm finding that the social component of relationships is very important to me, even though I'm not a really social person. I want to share my life with someone. I want one on one public dates. I want to know his family and I want him to know mine. I want us to do the holidays and the special occasions as a couple. While I enjoy going on vacations as a family, I want to go on vacations as a couple.

Right now he does all of those things with his primary. I'm not sure if it's because our relationship is new or if it's because this is the way it is.

Also, I currently travel for work. I'm only around on the weekends. What's going to happen when I'm there all the time?

Right now, we don't even spend one night a week together. Partially because I'm only there on the weekend. Mostly because he and his primary live with her parents and they will have to answer questions about where he is if she's there alone.

All of this is very surprising to me because I'm introverted and independent. I've been married before and I came up with my "hut theory". Alas, theory and reality are 2 different things. I need a lot of alone time. I actually needed at least one weekend of break from us, so that part was good. In contrast, he's extremely extroverted so he needs everyone. I enjoy that he has others and is not solely dependent on me.
 
What is it that you value in relating to a person romantically?

I am consciously asking myself this for the first time. I want to explore life with this person. I want to have philosophical conversations with this person. I want us to explore each other's internal landscape. I want a soul connection. I don't think that polyamory prevents any of that.

Is it that you always have an automatic date to family functions?

Um, not so much an automatic date as much as I want him to be part of my family, the way that my sister-in-law is. I want him to be a brother to my brother, and a son to my father. I want that level of connection with his family also.

Is it that you know you will always be invited to every event your lover goes to?

Again, it's not about the events. It's about the connection to family. It's about really merging into each other's lives.
 
If I remember right, you, your boyfriend, and metamour are not out. Correct me if I am wrong. Is this one of the reasons why you are not there? Even still, I never just show up somewhere that I have not been invited. I know how I feel about unwanted or surprise guests at my home. Especially if I do not know them. That is a big no-no for me. Did you express interest in going as a friend of theirs? Why is he not coming with you? These instances are reminders why staying closeted has drawbacks, too. I am sorry I do not have much advice to contribute.

We aren't out.

This engagement was out of town. My engagement is out of town also. My thing is not an event. It's just that my aunts and uncle will be at my parents. They are coming from overseas. So, it would be an opportunity for them to meet him if he is going to be a significant part of my life. Culturally, that's how we are. Of course, I'm challenging that concept as well.

I'm a grown woman approaching my 40's. What's the relevance of him meeting my extended family members that I hardly talk to myself? Is it something that I was just raised to do, or is it really important to me? Why do they have to meet him?

Family is important to me though. It helps me to get to know the person and it helps them to get to know me. There's institutional knowledge there. They've seen me grow. They can share my history with him. That's what it means to me. I don't live in the same town as my family, but I'm close enough for them to matter. And I want to be with someone who is close to his family and I want to hear their stories about him.
 
why do they live with her parents? time for them to grow up and move out and then they can do as they please without explaining to anyone.

Do you have your own place in that town?

And if he's grown, why does he have to explain where he is to her parents?
 
Pollyanna, it's more like her parents live with them for financial reasons. I do have a place of my own. She's welcome in it. Often, when he's there she spends the night also. (Very annoying.)

She's the one explaining it to her parents. To hear him tell it, he doesn't care except that he's respectful of her. Very convenient for him to lay responsibility on her shoulders. The story is long and twisty. They've been together for 8 years. She owned a home. When he moved to the area, they decided to live together for financial reasons. The parents were supposed to move out, but everyone was happy. 5 years later, this is the situation.

I'm the new kid on the block (3 months). I'm not poly and I'm trying this out. Truth be told, at this point, I'm glad no one came out. Writing this is helping me to get clearer about what I want in relationships.
 
Pollyanna, it's more like her parents live with them for financial reasons. I do have a place of my own. She's welcome in it. Often, when he's there she spends the night also. (Very annoying.)

Why does she have to spend the night? Have you ever asked her to leave when you needed space? It is YOUR home, and it seems like she has worn out her welcome. You can be firm without being rude. There is no real need for her to spend the night when he is there. She has a home of her own, and it stands to reason that you and the chap need alone time.
 
FullofLove, I've voiced my desire for more alone time. We haven't seen each other in a couple weeks. Last weekend they were out of town with his family. The weekend before that, they were out of town for her birthday. This weekend I'm going to be with my family. I'm gone during the week.

We need to have a chat soon. I'm spending too much time coming up with scenarios on my own.
 
I think all three of you need to talk. If he is telling you info of or about her or what she is saying, it might be more helpful to hear it from her directly.
 
I have no qualms about asking someone to leave my home. That is my sanctuary, and if I feel like someone is invading my space, they must go. You can do it without being rude.

The burden cannot fall solely on her or even you. He has to be willing to voice his needs, too. You said in one of your other posts that he called what you and him have "just sex" or something along those lines. Red flag. If you have stated your needs, he has to be willing to at least compromise or be strong enough to do what he sees fit. He knows what a relationship needs to flourish. I remember that you were not entirely comfortable with the idea of being in the closet. I cannot remember if he asked you not to say anything or how that came to be. You have already stated that being in a relationship where you have to be the secret is not something you care to do for an extended amount of time. It might be working now, but it can turn into another problem.

He has time alone with her, and obviously, you are going to want/need time alone with him. I realise it is still fairly new, but is she uncomfortable with the idea of him being alone with you? It would like a constant third wheel. I would not want to always have a third person around almost chaperoning. I am too old for that, and I am not in school on a trip any more, so I do not care to be chaperoned.

I know you mentioned the parent issue. He is a grown man, and if he wants to stay out all night and his girlfriend does not have a problem with it, why should the parents? Did she need to be eased into an arrangement like this? I remember reading a few of your posts before, but I cannot recall all the details.

I would suggest sitting down with just him, then her, and then the three of you. Figure out what it is that you need, what needs are not being met, and come to him with a list. Then, I would sit down with her. Find out what she needs, why she feels the need to chaperone/supervise your time with him, and explain that your needs are not being met with the way things are now. Last but not least...the three of you need to talk face to face and figure out some type of schedule. Treat it like a custody agreement schedule if you have to. I know you are gone during the week, but when that changes, set a schedule. Google Calendar? It is your friend. Mock schedule. Sunday-Tuesday with her. An overnight visit with you on Wednesday. He can be with her on Thursday and Friday. On Saturday, he can spend the day with her and have date night with you and possibly a night cap. Sunday, the three of you can hang out, grab breakfast/brunch, go to the cinema, go to the park, or do your own things. I do not know your individual schedules, so tweak as needed.

For now, I would still suggest a schedule of sorts. She is with him 7 days a week. She should be able to survive if he spends a night or two with you. The only people I want to be around every day of the week are my children. I can handle not seeing my husband every day. I cannot think of a single person who has something to do every weekend. Even still, perhaps she can attend those things with other relatives or close friends. There is no rule that he says he must attend every single planned thing with her. That is inconsiderate to you, to him, and to your relationship. He might want to do something else, and if he does, perhaps he should be vocal and let her know.

Do you and the chap utilise Skype, FaceTime, Oovoo, or any video chatting interface? I know it is not the same as being right next to someone, but at least you would be able to see him while you are away. People have Skype dates and iSex (instead of iChat) and all of that jazz. If not, why not? Can he not get some time alone to chat with you, ask how your day is going, and just see your face? I would hope she would not want to control that.
 
Hi Nancy, we have all 3 spoken. She's Catholic. She's always lived with her parents. Except for the year she lived with her aunt. She's Hispanic. It's a cultural thing. I understand it because I have a similar cultural background. People live with their parents until they are married, then they live with their spouses. I don't live like that, but I understand it.

The difference between us is that I'm much more independent and individualized. I'm sexually explorative. By my family's standards, I'm bold, not just in this regard.

I understand her situation, and I understand her. This is about me though. What do I want? Do I have the courage to ask for it? I'm expanding.
 
You said in one of your other posts that he called what you and him have "just sex" or something along those lines. Red flag.

FoL, she said that it was just sex. He didn't. He made it clear that this is a relationship. She said this during our first meeting when I asked her how she feels about poly. They started off with swinging.

I should also add that this is a D/s relationship.

When she made the comment about this being just sex, I flipped out. It was a red flag. I brought it to his attention. I'm sure that it opened a dialog between them. Since then, they've had several conversations about him being out poly. I don't think she's come to terms with the idea of another girlfriend.

Did she need to be eased into an arrangement like this?

He recently wanted to tell one of his co-workers who is a close friend of his. His work circle does not really overlap with her circle. Her argument for not coming out was about her circle. He pointed out that this would not be an issue. He ended up telling his friend. I thought that was a step in the right direction.

Do you and the chap utilise Skype, FaceTime, Oovoo, or any video chatting interface? I know it is not the same as being right next to someone, but at least you would be able to see him while you are away. People have Skype dates and iSex (instead of iChat) and all of that jazz. If not, why not? Can he not get some time alone to chat with you, ask how your day is going, and just see your face? I would hope she would not want to control that.

I'm good with our communication during the week. We have a lot of one on one conversations. He has a morning and afternoon commute and he's usually on the phone with me during those times. Come to think of it, in the past few weeks, that schedule was erratic as well. I changed my work schedule. So it's been touch and go.

I cannot think of a single person who has something to do every weekend. Even still, perhaps she can attend those things with other relatives or close friends. There is no rule that he says he must attend every single planned thing with her. That is inconsiderate to you, to him, and to your relationship. He might want to do something else, and if he does, perhaps he should be vocal and let her know.

Sigh:) This is what a normal person would think. He has given up some family time with her family to spend time with me. After the event, she comes over and says, "Oh, everyone was asking about you." As if to say that he should have been there.

If it only happened once or twice, I wouldn't mention it, but it's a regular occurrence. She says it about outings with her friends also.

I continue to mention to him that this is the first time he's actually had another relationship in the same area with another person. He insists that it's not the first time that he's been in multiple relationships. However, this is different. Before they were in an LDR and when she came to town, the other woman stepped aside.

Writing about this is infuriating!
 
Yes, I can see how it must be infuriating!!

I think you need to clearly state (NOT request) what you want and don't want in the relationship. If I were you, the first thing would be that he comes over alone to spend time with you, and that she should not assume that she's invited as well. If he can't do that simple fucking thing, then basically she's got him wrapped around her finger, and I would end it. My personal space being disrespected and taken for granted, I could not stomach. I need to feel fully respected and valued in my relationships.

Yeah, make a list and develop your personal boundaries. You've only been with him a short time, so letting it go now won't hurt as much. You don't want to still be stuck in this shit a year from now.
 
I should also add that this is a D/s relationship.

When you say D/s, that means dom/sub, right?

If so, that is an entirely different conversation...
 
Yes Marcus, it is Dom/sub. I am doing both for the fist time. I'm an over achiever:)

I really wanted D/s, but the poly part was a whole new concept. So really I voluntarily gave control and power to him. My challenge is that I want to turn the power over. However, I need to be able to feel heard when I say that I want one on one time.

Where is the D/s poly space for mono subs? (Lol)

Also, before this goes to far, I want to clear up any perception that my metamours is at my house unwelcome. She's welcome. I just want my time too.
 
He spent the night last night. The whole night, and the morning. It was blissful.

In other news, I am seriously taking a look at what I want in my relationship(s). Thank you Marcus.

I'm reading The Ethical Slut. I've known about poly for a few years now. I read about it a few years back on a blog. I've always loved my "hut theory" (people living in close proximity, relating to each other, but maintaining independent households). However, I thought that my lover would have many lovers. I never considered that I would also.

In general though, my life is pretty busy at the moment. I travel for work. I'm starting a business. And, I have my current relationship. My plate is full. However, I am sincerely considering the possibility of poly for me. It's more the idea that I want so many things. I don't think that I can get them all in one person. (Or maybe I can.) Who knows?

Being in a poly group and enjoying the aspects of community that it provides, I am considering what would happen if I had multiple lovers. Hmmm....:)
 
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