Scary Thought - Are Polys Tools?

PolyPhonic

New member
I had the scary thought today, that maybe a poly person who permits their partner to enjoy relations with other(s), is really just a tool, and vice-versa.

from the Urban Dictionary:
"Tool" - One who lacks the mental capacity to know he is being used. A fool. A cretin. Characterized by low intelligence and/or self-esteem.

I say this, because of the reaction I got back from a casual guy-friend when I told him and my SO, that they can play with each other sometime. He is a very handsome guy, even looks a little like Tom Cruise. Anyway, he kind of smiled, like "yeah, I'll take advantage of that, sure." It made me feel like a tool. And I can't seem to rationalize my way out of that now. On the one hand I am employing compersion, because my SO is enamored by the guy, and so I said "so go have fun." But on the other hand, the response I got back from the dude, was somehow condescending or something. I'm having trouble fully processing it. But I felt like a tool, in that moment. The guy is so handsome and cute looking, charming, and Alpha all at the same time, that he obviously has had the life-relationship experiences to know every angle there is. And when this came up, he didn't miss a beat, to seemingly know exactly what was going on. That I am a tool. That is how I processed it. Wonder what everyone else's thoughts are?
 
that they can play with each other sometime

Does that mean casual sex? Could it be you just are not actually casual about sex and don't like this guy implying that your beloved is just for casual sex use?

On the one hand I am employing compersion, because my SO is enamored by the guy, and so I said "so go have fun."

It is not compersive to do things you are not actually happy with/willing to go along with. Are you actually good with your partner pursuing this Mr Crush guy for a casual sex relationship? Friends who share sex? Or just saying so because your partner wants to pursue Mr Crush guy? Is your partner pushing you toward things you do not want?

I had the scary thought today, that maybe a poly person who permits their partner to enjoy relations with other(s), is really just a tool, and vice-versa.

I don't think poly people are "a tool" just because they are open to loving more than one at a time and building their relationships in that manner. But that doesn't mean there aren't people out there in the world more than happy to take advantage of that. That also doesn't mean that there aren't people in the world who have less than respectful communication skills.

I asssume your partner arranged this communication opportunity so that you could let Mr Crush know your partner is not a cheater person. I assume you aren't just telling random people you are ok if they have casual sex with your partner without your partner knowing you are doing that!

Perhaps you would have preferred to hear something more along the lines of "Thank you for that generous willingness and letting me know up front how you feel about my developing a relationship with her" (implied: appreciating you and you partner) rather than ""yeah, I'll take advantage of that, sure." (implied: take advantage of your partner and take advantage of you too.)"

Is your partner a person or a thing? Is she a bike?

"Yeah, it's ok with me if you want to ride my bike."
"yeah, I'll take advantage of that, sure."
Is it Mr Crush treating your partner like a thing, and that is the bottom line of what bugs you here? You could tell Mr Crush how you prefer to be communicated with. Could also take back the willingness before this develops further. Give you and her time to assess this potential Mr Crush person better. Could tell her


"Changed my mind! Hang on, horsie! He doesn't talk about you (my partner) with respect. I would not be ok with my beloved being with a disrespectful person! Need the clarify here!"​

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Just right off the top of my head, I hadn't anticipated being generous to people who would only be taking the generosity if it was by taking advantage of it. I think that's what it's really about. It's like someone who says, here you go everyone who needs money, here's one million dollars to help you out! And a Harvard MBA catches all the money, and says, cool, I'm going to go get a Hummer and put a downpayment down on a home in the Hamptons. As a generous person, you want your generosity to go towards those in need. Can you imagine a buddhist monk, saying, "anyone is welcome to come and enjoy our Tibet", only to have China come and plough down the mountains and make a Disneyland China themepark? How do you think the selfless monk would feel about his actions in that case?

P.S. Just for clarity, I'm a guy, and my SO is a chick, because maybe I think I saw some of that switched around in your posting.
 
P.S. Just for clarity, I'm a guy, and my SO is a chick, because maybe I think I saw some of that switched around in your posting.

Sorry, I think we are both online at the same time. I was already going back to fix typos and things. (My hands aren't always happy joint hands and it hurts to bend fingers.) I think I get the general thrust of what you are trying to say with your generosity examples, but your partner is not a THING. She is not land, she is not money. She is a person.

You could try give better examples generous, kind, loving treatment of other people, rather than examples of generous distribution/use of THINGS. That would be a better match to the situation.

As a generous person, you want your generosity to go towards those in need.

  • HE is not in NEED of relationship with your partner.
  • SHE is not in NEED of relationship with him. Though she may WANT to be in relationship with him because she's got a crush on Mr Crush guy.

Neither will die if this relationship does not come to pass. It is WANT, not need.

  • Your willingness to be be in an Open relationship model with her while she pursues other casual sex FWB people?
  • Your willingness to be in an Open Relationship model with her while she pursues polyship with others?
  • Your willingness to be in an Open Relationship model with her while she pursues BOTH polyships and FWB with others?

That is you being generous toward HER and you. That is wonderful of you to share and gift to her and yourself.

But sharing that open model relationship together is a WANT that you both share willingly at this time. (I would hope!) It is not a NEED.

Compersion is a feeling. You do not EMPLOY it. You just feel it. It is you feeling pleasure and feeling happy when she is feeling pleasure and feeling happiness in another's company.

It is NOT you compromising yourself because she wants to have a thing with Mr Crush. Be clear on your willingness -- both to her and to yourself.

Then you couldn't worry about being a "tool" because you did not put yourself in a position to be taken advantage of unwillingly. Neither she or he could be trespassing on your generous spirit. You only offer what you are actually willing to offer, and when you offer it, you are aware of the risks. But you go there because this you choose to do for yourself and are willing to take the risks.

I am tired. I probably am not making sense. Know I'm not trying to nitpick, ok? I'm just concerned you were uncertain in your willingness because you said had to "employ compersion." Sounds too much like you talking yourself into something you really do not want to do or have.
I hadn't anticipated being generous to people who would only be taking the generosity if it was by taking advantage of it. I think that's what it's really about.

But yes, there are people who when given an inch, want to take a mile and are not especially respectful of people or of boundaries in relationships.

You could get the clarify -- ask him to explain his choice of wording there.

If he meant it like a joke because he was taken aback, that is one thing. Then you could tell him you prefer he not joke about your partner and you prefer he talk about her like a gentleman.

If he's a creep, that's another thing.

Either way could tell your partner -- "Hold on horsie! Need more info here on his respectfulness and trustworthiness before this goes further with him! Also need time to reassess my own willing on casual sex FWB!"

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
The permissions are about boundaries of respect, it's not about whether or not she's a thing or not. It's about what I'm comfortable with her doing. If she didn't respect what I'm comfortable with, we'd be strangers passing in the night, every moment of our lives.

Oh wow, your response changed dramatically. Ok, rereading the new edit now...
 
It is not compersive to do things you are not actually happy with/willing to go along with. Are you actually good with your partner pursuing this Mr Crush guy for a casual sex relationship? Friends who share sex? Or just saying so because your partner wants to pursue Mr Crush guy? Is your partner pushing you toward things you do not want?
Eesh, we're really drilling down into details here just to double check if I meant what I said? Yes, when I say compersion I mean it. I would be happy if she enjoyed herself. It makes me happy for her to enjoy her life, her fantasies, her wants, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone, than I'm happy to see her enjoy the fruits of our open relationship.
 
Eesh, we're really drilling down into details here just to double check if I meant what I said?

Yes. I try not to assume. Esp with online conversation, and esp when I'm tired.

So much of communication is in the paraverbal. I'll stop now, since I think I got it down as best I can at this time. Then we also avoid "crossing" posts. :)

Hope you get things sorted out.

GL!
Galagirl
 
Is your partner pushing you toward things you do not want?
I don't think this is a very sound question when you apply reverse logic to it. Of course, no one enjoys having their partner more when their partner is having sex with the entire nation compared to when they are just with you. It's not a question of what I want. It's a question of what I'm comfortable with allowing her to do, in regards to what she wants.

Also, no, she is not pushing anything. She's being very respectful. She has just asked if that's something I would be ok with, because that's something she wants.
 
Last edited:
So much of communication is in the paraverbal. I'll stop now, since I think I got it down as best I can at this time. Then we also avoid "crossing" posts. :)
Hehe, yeah we're starting to cross posts. And also I'm tired. Let's talk more in the morning! Thank you very much for your dialogue, it's simply the tops! :)
 
maybe you would feel less like a tool if the situation was more about her, instead of about you... what I mean is, why would you be the one telling the guy he can play with her?
If she likes him, and wants to pursue something with him, she can ask you if you're ok with that. And you say sure honey, within boundaries such and such (and that could be anything from 'don't go to our favorite restaurant with him' to certain safer sex rules).
And then she tells the guy: I'm interested in you, and as you know I have a SO, but we're in an open / poly relationship so that's ok, and he's ok with it.

In the situation you describe it's more like you are giving him permission, and he takes it, and I could see how that could make you feel like he's taking advantage.
 
maybe you would feel less like a tool if the situation was more about her, instead of about you... what I mean is, why would you be the one telling the guy he can play with her?
If she likes him, and wants to pursue something with him, she can ask you if you're ok with that. And you say sure honey, within boundaries such and such (and that could be anything from 'don't go to our favorite restaurant with him' to certain safer sex rules).
And then she tells the guy: I'm interested in you, and as you know I have a SO, but we're in an open / poly relationship so that's ok, and he's ok with it.

In the situation you describe it's more like you are giving him permission, and he takes it, and I could see how that could make you feel like he's taking advantage.
Ok, I guess I just got used to the girls around here not believing I was in an open relationship and me always having to have them talk to my SO so she could explain. So I thought it made sense to let the guy know, that my SO isn't lying, I am in fact ok with it.
 
So I thought it made sense to let the guy know, that my SO isn't lying, I am in fact ok with it.

It does make sense for you to verify to him AFTER she sets that up with him. Just like YOU have set it up before when you are the dating person.

me always having to have them talk to my SO so she could explain.

SHE has him talk to YOU so you can explain. She makes first contact and refers him to you for the verify. That's why I stated previously that I assume this came about that way in that order.

Are you saying it came about the other way? You told a man she crushes on that you are cool with him having a casual sex or poly relationship with her without her blessing or knowing you were going to do that? She didn't initiate first contact?

Could you clarify that please? How exactly did this conversation with him come about?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Alright...Well this is a guy that I met and became friends with while I was out at a convenience store with my SO. He seemed like a cool guy, new to the island, and a good guy to strike a friendship with. We hit it off right away, and my SO only slowly became his friend because she is a more shy person. As time progressed, and friendship progressed, and we mixed up with the guy at different social occasions, my SO finally said to me that she'd love to have sex with the guy. I gave her my blessing to play around with the guy (kiss, sex, whatever), and everytime she came back telling me how peacefully the dates went (it could be just meeting when he was exhausted after work, or bad timing), but that there seemed to be a hurdle. But I know the guy is a strapping young lad, a real ladies man and beyond, and that maybe he was just respecting that she is my GF and he and I are friends and didn't want to be an ass, no matter what she told him or what advances she made. Not that he's a gentlemen, he owns and operates successful pawnshops around the Caribbean, so he's used to street life/smarts more than your average gentlemen. So anyway, my SO told me she had told him that I give them my blessing to have fun, but my SO told me that he likes a girl who is more of a girlfriend material, and he likes to pursue the girl, he doesn't like easy girls. Anyway, after that we were out at a party and he was there, and he came over to our table and we invited him to sit down and have some drinks with us. At that time, I said "Did [my SO] tell you I'm ok with the two of you having fun?" And his response was cool, smiling "yes she did, yes she did, very nice." But I think when I just said basically "yeah, take off your clothes and get it on" it kind of took the wind out of his sail. We've met many times since, and my SO and I pay him visits at work to shoot the shit and stuff. The other night she went out with him. She said they didn't even kiss. So I don't know what's up with the guy. But it was the second time I mentioned the freedom, that he made me think I was being a tool.

There are missing elements to this story, I can't write the whole book here :) But suffice to say that should answer your question, or at least give you the texture of things.
 
Do you think included in his response was the vibe that he would never reciprocate in a similar situation.....ala TOOL
 
I am disturbed. What do you mean you don't know what's up with the guy? He's told her.

  • You and GF have told him you are Open, and she is free to pursue a casual sex relationship with whom she pleases
  • He had told GF he prefers someone who is more girlfriend material, he prefers to do the chasing, and he's not into casual sex.

You sound amazed that he prefers this. He's got the right to prefer what he prefers in his own relationships.

As for HOW you communicate that you are in an Open Relationship? Dude, you said that like THAT? :eek:

She arranges a meeting for you to verify to him that you are indeed in an open relationship:

You: "Did [my SO] tell you I'm ok with the two of you having fun?"
Him: "yes she did, yes she did, very nice."
You: "yeah, take off your clothes and get it on"
Him: "yeah, I'll take advantage of that, sure."​

And now you are worried he could think that you are a tool? You are worried about your own emotional well being? Why aren't you more worried about how your speech could lead to hurt for your GF? Her physical well being?

Let's say this one is a decent man who would not hurt her. Fine. Worst that happens is that he thinks you are a tool and she's a flibbertygibbet. No skin off your nose -- not everyone is up for Open relationships or gets them -- swinging, polyamorous, or otherwise.

What if next time she crushes on someone it's a weirdo? What if he's some creeper/stalker/rapist? And you talk to him like that. How has YOUR talking style INCREASED her personal safety when she's with the next crush dude ALONE on a date? Or has your speech DECREASED it?

Could you see how talking like could put her in harm's way?

You have practically held the door wide open for weirdo to foist unwanted attentions on her. And she “ought” to be ok with it because hey, she has a crush and likes him right? And she's into casual sex right, so there's nothing wrong with weirdo sexing her up, right?

Ack! :eek:

You could take more care in your words. Something more like


“My GF and I are in an Open relationship. We are both free to date others and let it grow to wherever it may lead. For the record – my being ok with her having the freedom to develop other relationships is NOT me being ok to her getting hurt intentionally or thoughtlessly. Catch my drift? I expect you to treat her with respect should you and she decide to develop something.”​

I hope this guy isn't a creeper. Sigh. :(

I'd suggest not worrying about this guy any more and considering revising your communication style for how you let other people know you are in an open relationship instead.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
GalaGirl, you took something out of context, and I think got inflamed over it. I never said "take off your clothes". Go back and re-read that please.
 
Galgirl, you took something out of context, and I think got inflamed over it. I never said "take off your clothes". Go back and re-read that please.

Ok.

And his response was cool, smiling "yes she did, yes she did, very nice." But I think when I just said basically "yeah, take off your clothes and get it on" it kind of took the wind out of his sail.

???

I am not inflamed. I am disturbed. As in bothered by your communication style in this example -- if those are indeed the actual words that were used.

When all I have is what I read, and that is what I'm reading? It doesn't sound flattering to you, dude. There's room for improvement.

All I'm saying in my feedback to you is that your communication style sounds off. Not as clear as it could be. And you could take better care with your words to minimize it being misinterpreted by less than ethical people. Not just because you could be thought of as a "tool" if you do not find ways to express yourself better. But because it could have bigger ramifications than just that and have bigger effect on persons beyond just you. It could affect her. So you could be aware of that.

I don't think telling a potential metamour that I expect them to treat my partner with respect is "policing" them. It's stating my expectation out in front, and I prefer to do that.

You could choose how you want to form your new method of expressing "we are in an open relationship" to other potential dating partners. I was just giving an example from my own filter of preferences.

Hope the feedback is helpful. GL!

Namaste,
Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I'd suggest not worrying about this guy any more and considering revising your communication style for how you let other people know you are in an open relationship.
Galagirl
Yeah good thoughts.

I take a hands off approach. Openness comes with independence. I am not supposed to be watching her, taking care of her, being responsible for her. I don't need to be policing it. That is not letting someone have their freedom. "Yeah, you guys can have fun, but no horse play, be back by 2am, and if you hurt her feelings or physically, I will make sure you pay for it." Ok, yeah, I really want my SO telling my other GFs that, yeah sure. That's not an open trusting relationship.

I've already told her her my opinion of him. That he's a lowlife who owns pawnshops, is charming and cute, is young and probably immature, and if she wants to play with that, go ahead.
 
Back
Top