DADT just ain't working for me....

MzWiz

New member
He & I have been together going on 20 years, what was once hot & horny grew into a much deeper love. My previous experience included open relationships & swinging, which he didn't agree with, so we've been mono.
Over the years, life changes people, it has been a struggle at times to find commun ground, but we've always managed to recenter and move forward together.
Overall, our relationship is about "growth". We do our best to help each other experience life to it's fullest. Interested in fishing? Sure, let's see what fish are here, there, what lures, what gear, let's try this.... And if it's something more solo, or the other has no interest, that's ok too, we do our best, try not to judge and are as helpful as possible.
When we started, he knew I was what he considers "wild & free spirited" and he liked it, found it refreshing, and yes, we had sex/shared pleasures in ways/places he never imagined... which slowed down over the years, life took over.... about 5 years ago, sex became a quarterly bonus.... now, a yearly bonus. Yes, his mojo fizzled..... mine did not....
Twice I've negotiated the ability to get my needs met elsewhere, under a DADT agreement, and about a year back, I found someone whom has become very dear to me. I have no shared this news with him, my primary. And yes, somehow, my mojo for my primary remains.... which is why I'm here on poly.
So, here's my delema:
I love my primary, very much so. Despite the DADT, I know he would be hurt to know I have a secondary
My secondary, I care for him very deeply but we're still in NRE so hard to tell if it's real-real or just hormones
I don't want to hide/lie anymore.....
Not that I outright lie, but for me white lies can be just as bad as outright lies
This past weekend, my primary & I talked again, for the up-tenth time, in regards to "honey, I want you and need more" to which his reply is "I'm only getting older, it's going to get worse...."
Worse, worse than once per year......
He has said several times that he'll see a Dr but never has
I've been to multiple therapists, one medical Dr & one holistic Dr (seeking was to turn down my sexuality... without success unfortunately)
I love him, he is my best friend, my family....
But, as I voiced to him, darling, you leave me with few options:
Live my life in constant sexual/physical frustration
Undo 20 years of building, liquidating all we have & each go our separate ways
You see, the DADT he previously agreed to twice has now been forgotten
I fear if I mention it again, he'll ask questions, get hurt and verbal nastiness will follow
I'm at a loss as to what to do.....
Am I poly? Depends on your definition I suppose
From my perspective, I am
I don't think love is an exclusive thing, I think it's a growth thing, a way of expanding your inner self, and it doesn't have to include sex
I love my BFF, she & I have been like sisters for years & years, but I don't want to sleep/have sex with her (not that I haven't slept with women, I have and I've enjoyed it, it's simply that our relationship isn't sexual)
My primary has been hit on by other women, I'm ok with that, even encourage(d) his acceptance of the flirtations, flirt back, you never know....
As our physical/sexual interactions decreased, I've offered/opened up conversations on swinging, open relationships, offered to help him find and/or share in whichever fantasy he'd like.... Doesn't want it, prefers to keep as fantasy
What-to-do..... What-to-do.....
Talk? Yes we talk.... about anything & everything....
Now how do I get him to understand I love him but can't continue to live this way? (BTW: I've spoken this phrase to him more times than I can count)
That he's chosen to not action my needs/requests shows me he's not taking me seriously.... but putting the house up for sale seems a little drastic.... though it may be exactly what I need to do to wake him up.... but again, that's the wrong message, I don't want to break up, I want to live life to it's fullest is all... preferably keeping my primary
Any & all guidance/words of wisdom are most welcome
Thank you for listening
 
I am sorry you h's libido has dried up to such an extent, and despite your desire for him, he won't seek help. Not even a little Viagra? Sheesh.

So, he'd given you the go ahead to have other sexual relationships. As a former swinger, you felt you could find sexual satisfaction elsewhere, while keeping your heart true to your husband.

However, now you feel you are in love with you sexual partner. Sex does deepen bonds. Many swingers do things to actively prevent this, such as never fucking the same person twice, never kissing, etc.

What can I say but be completely open with your husband? Tell him you're in love with your sexual partner. You are tired of DADT, you feel a need to tell him and let the chips fall where they may. Go for it! Courage!
 
Believe it or not, he did get Viagra, tried it without telling me, and decided it wasn't for him... I kinda agree in that Viagra and such don't give you desire, they help increase blood flow (thus making erections easier).
Yes, in part, this is about sex.... But more so, it's about me feeling like a woman who's wanted. A real live woman who needs to be touched, held, felt desired... Not just a partner, someone to cook/clean/daily stuff with, but someone to walk holding hands with... And I do push for our couple as a couple to interact..
Example: Hiking
Latest push is health in regards to fitness so we discussed requirements, got geared-up, did our first hike to test out how heavy packs were, all went well
Now he's decided biking needs to be added and I dislike biking (no balance), he knows this, insisted... So now he bikes & I hike, how "together" is this, how "part-of" do you think I feel....
Yes NRE is wonderful.... Oddly enough, that burning/yearning is something I can still get going within myself for my primary
But he doesn't want to investigate hormone replacement therapy (only thing I can think of which may help)
Am I in live with my second, I'm not sure.... I believe we coud have something long-term together, yes, for years & years even
But I'm not going to rip & replace
To be honest, if me & my primary don't sort this out, I'll probably leave them both (may seem odd to leave second as well, but as I've been in my primary for o long, I think it'd be best I find myself again before opening to another)
But what I would really like is if I could openly have both my primary & second, ideally they'd even become friends....
I'm dreaming out loud aren't I..... Sorry
 
Hi and welcome,

Have you tried counseling to get your message across. The empty or romantically lacking relationship message.

Why can't you come out and say the DADT policy surround other partners has been activated and you thought he would at least know that much so you wouldn't have to lie.


Have you read or heard of the book love languages ....it's recommended here a lot. I'm sure its listed in the book list here. It might be worth a quick read for you both.
 
Last edited:
.

I seem to be only garnering 2 things from this, kind of in lazy brain mode today but hope this helps:

1.) Don't Ask Don't Tell - Seems to break the Honesty that is key to Poly.

2.) Depression - He may need a Psyche, more then a boner right now, whether he wants it or not.
Just seems like he is not seeing a silver lining and has given up on his self.
Now, do not think this is intentional, just the effect brought on when depression is winning.


.
 
Love Languages, no I hadn't but thank you
I googled & read-up.... Indeed looks like a very interesting book
Thank you
Oh, and yes, I did the test
No surprises there, I'm a 10 physical touch, followed by words then acts of service (8 & 6 respectively)

Therapy/counciling..... Depression.....
I did multiple sessions alone, took a series with him but he never showed (10 last minute rescheds in a row is not a subtle hint)
So getting him to see someone for him and ny issues he may have is pretty much impossible

We talk, we talk a lot.... but it goes in circles
We spoke again this past weekend, during most of which I was fighting tears
All of this is terribly sad to me
We're so good together on so many levels...
Yet when I get close, he giggles & says I'm tickling him even of it's just a hug
When I try to talk physical intimacy, he changes the subject
Not harshly, but say we notice an old couple holding hands, we'll both feel softness, big "aww, ain't that sweet" and I'll reach for his hand or make some comment "one day, that could be us" kinda thing, and his mind goes to some other place like old-age pension or health care for the elderly...
I jokingly remind him now & then that he has 2 heads, get out of your brain and into your pants... He laughs, thinks I'm being silly...

Yup, I may have no other choice but to simply tell him: DADT isn't working for me and simply see how things go from there....
Damn I hate this....
Can't we just talk things through?
Must there be so much drama?
 
Agreed, honestly should be baseline in any & all relationships as far as I'm concerned..... Which is why I'm struggling with this
I hate not being open about this
Bothers my sleep, my work....
I just want to be happy and I want my primary to be happy as well
Yet our needs seem to be so different, I'm at a loss as to how to come clean without drama.... Specifically the blame-game
I can just hear it: but you said DADT? - Ya but I didn't think you would - well I did, now what - how could you? I love you - and I you, but... - but what, you're horny and I don't put out, right, so it's my fault - no it's not, it's "us" - what about "us"? "us" was fine till you.....
Sigh, really.... Do I gotta? (yes, the 12 year old in me is pouting)
 
You need to tell him...

I think you have to have that discussion as uncomfortable as that may be. Funny thing about things we fear, once we face them, they don't seem near as scary. Give it to him straight, tell him how you feel, he should be open to that and at least try to understand. If he can't, then DADT is not going to help anything. Sooner or later it is going to come out. I think you should face it now and give him a chance to process it all. Who knows it may be just what he needs to get his engine running again. Good luck.
 
Sigh. Unfortunate situation.

In my universe? All partners would have the...
  • Right to Clear communication

He is avoidy, and really so are you. Own it. Spit it out to him! But use "I" language.

I don't want to leave you. I love you. But I cannot be happy to stay here when my wants and needs are not talked about. I want to be happy to stay here. Why don't we talk?

Talk to me about the sex/aging problems. Are you in andropause? How can I help? Can I be included in your sex health and well being doctor search?

Can my sex needs be heard? Can I explore other things with you so my needs are met? Do you not want to be with me any more?

In my universe the partners would have the Right to...
  • Expect support from partner
  • Be nurtured
  • Get your needs met
  • Responsiveness
  • Constructive conflict resolution

He is denying you all the above despite your efforts to address the sex problem.

Now there is new problem. You obeyed old DADT agreement and fell in love with secondary. You are tired of being lonely, and living your inner life alone without sharing it with husband. He in your life or moving out of it?

Partners would be RESPONSIBLE FOR

  • Knowing and stating your needs, wants and limits

You are shirking this. Spit it out. You already stated all the sex with husband needs, but you are shirking the need to be open about your secondary and the need to revist the DADT agreement. Why?

I am not sure if he's happy with his wants, needs, and limits. He's certainly not talking much.

  • Following through on promises

He would be breaking the promise to give you the right to clear communication at the very least.

You are honoring the DADT agreement of the past, but if you find it uncomfortable boundary now, you need to speak up about renegotiating. You are not breaking the DADT, but you are shirking speaking up on it no longer fitting your situation. In my universe? You would give HIM his right to clear communication. Hold up your sticks even if he's shirking his. You try to keep YOUR promises.

  • Knowing the polymath tiers in this config

Does not apply in this conflict DIRECTLY, but he has the right to know he has a metamour now. Why are you denying him this? His right to clear communication so he can do his responsibility of understanding the configuration he is in under this polyship. The husband who has a wife and a metamour. (the secondary lover of the wife)

  • You are responsible for your own and your partner's health: in mind, heart, body, soul.

You both are shirking. He's not caring for you body health first with the sex needs or even including you in the health problem investigation so at least you know WHY he is not caring for your body or his own.

The penis sex might be resting from medical issues not yet defined, but sexy touching and sexy sexin' in other ways can still happen and he is neglecting his conjugal duty there. You are married. Where ELSE can you go if not him? DADT then. And now the DADT is no longer a fit either. Now what? You Speak your Truth.

Not doing so? This causes you mental and emtional and spiritual ugh.

He is not caring for his own buckets well in being avoidy. He is not caring for yours.

You are not caring for your MENTAL health well in NOT speaking up either. That's starting to hurt you heart and your soul health too.

You seem to be trying to care for his buckets but "caring for" his buckets is not done via shirking your responsibilities.

  • Emergency preparedness
  • Caring for your own equipment/stuff

He tried viagra so he tried to deal with it. But he did not include you in process. This denies you clear communication. Not including you also denies you intimacy -- of his body, mind, and heart. He's throwing up walls between you. Are you wife or chopped liver here?
  • Telling if keeping a confidence can hurt someone/is hurting someone

You are keeping confidences in obeying DADT when it no longer serves you well. Speak your Truth. To keep that under wraps hurts you, him, and eventually your secondary.

God knows what he's hiding -- he's not giving clear communication. Maybe he is hiding things from himself? Ultimately in shutting down he is hurting himself, his wife, and his marriage. Is he depressed?

I hope that helps you some in sorting. I think you ought to speak up even if he blows a gasket over it initially.

It takes two to play the blame game.

If he blames you?

"Yes. I see that you are upset. I tried to play by the rules I thought we both agreed to.

So now I have to own that I have hurt you by mistake by acting on false information. I am so very sorry I hurt you. I ask for your forgiveness.

And you have to own that you gave me false information by putting a false DADT tool on the table to get my needs met with when you were not going to honor it. Will you own that part ? Are you sorry you hurt me by giving false tools?

So we both did a bad. We are both sorry. Now how do we move forward toward healing? Are we going to have the conversation finally? Do we both still love each other enough to move it forward and want to? I still love you. I still want to try. Do you? "

Hopefully he will calm down and be reasonable in discussion and finally whatever it is with him will come out and you both can move it forward.

Hang in there.

GL!
GalaGirl
 
Last edited:
GalaGirl, I'm going to have to digest this.....
All of what you say is true, yes, but (and believe me, I hate "but"s).....
My relationship pattern(s) have shown me that I tend to be/become the alpha which, unfortunately, has shown the men in my life as eithe being passive-aggressive or they become passive-aggressive over time
That Brains are the biggest turn-on of all for me, (coupled with passive-aggressive behavior) results in some very intense verbal debates which are highly articulate and weave through all kinds of "what if"s (mostly selfish statements on his end, seeking security, or so it seems from my perspective), we get off-track, refocus (my doing normally), and then back at it again....
Round & round, examined from all angles (if he's willing to be that open, I've a slim chance here.... this is how I got the first two DADT agreements)....
I don't believe he's willingly manipulative, honestly I don't
He's just fearful, scared of change....
From his perspective, what we have is perfect, and from the outside it is.....
But inside, one of us, me, I feel broken inside
It took me years to understand, I mean really "get it", I'm not abnormal, having a healthy sex drive is ok, that wanting/asking for attention from my primary, from the one who is supposed to love me most (not saying this is a must from all primaries, just saying he says "love" but I don't feel loved in a way I understand)

Side note: 5 languages of love test
Sent him my results by email, asking he complete as well, restated verbally, so far; not done..... It's a 5 min online test fer crimes sake!!

Back to my point, honest communication
Easier said than done.... Sigh...... But must be none the less.... Double-sigh
Yes, I've food for thought, from all of you
Thank you, really
I know there's another side of this, I mean: an after
I don't know what it will be.... Statistically, my odds probably aren't very good
It'll come down to where we can meet half-way, if he's willing to
Or if I just get lip service again, words forgotten as soon as they're spoken
And should that come to be, well then, I'm going to have to put on my big girl pants and respond to his action, or lack thereof.....
Again, easier said than done

You know, even he agrees love is the purpose of life, the only real reason to exists, love in all it's forms (we've discussed this many times)
But the gap between those words and actually opening up sexually, that's a huge gap for him
Me, lessor so, or so I believe (7 year open relationship tells me this)
Yes, things change, people change, I can't say for certain that I'll always hold the same views I hold now, time changes people.....
But isn't that the point of a life partner?
To explore all of life together, which ever aspects of life you chose to experience?

Sorry, I've more questions than answers....
And I know the answers I seek are within my own four walls
Yet each of you are helping me sort through things, giving me different perspectives, seeing things in a different light, and none of you have anything to gain really by sharing of yourselves with me
I thank you for that, truly, it touches me deeply to receive your guidance, your words of wisdom, trying to help me wade through my emotional deep waters
Thank you, each of you, for being exactly who you are
 
Sounds like you are processing and doing ok in that and keeping it pretty real even if the actual process is with a heavy heart. *hug*

Hope you come to a decision soon.

GG
 
Last edited:
I would be upfront as soon as you can. You are losing sleep, wishing things were different, and living a false life. My ex and I didn't have sex for three years, and he shut down about it. I would say, "we need to have sex again," and he would agree but nothing would happen. It broke my heart. Then one day he told me he wanted a divorce. Atleast if we had made some effort during those last three years to fix things, splitting up would've been easier, or made more sense. But to stay in limbo, no movement, stagnating, suffocating - you deserve better, even if the movement you take is further apart.

Tell your primary you are tired of walking on eggshells around him. Don't hold back your tears. He needs to open his eyes, he needs to hear you, and to talk, no matter how uncomfortable it makes him. This is your life. There is a big issue here that needs serious confronting, and it is hurting your relationship with him and with yourself. Then spill everything and face it all. See where it takes you - whether the remedy is medical (he should get checked for testosterone levels, which can be supplemented), or emotional (therapy, splitting up, etc.), you need it now. Your spirit needs it.
 
Believe it or not, he did get Viagra, tried it without telling me, and decided it wasn't for him... I kinda agree in that Viagra and such don't give you desire, they help increase blood flow (thus making erections easier).

Ask him to get his testosterone levels checked, including the free testosterone. The loss of testosterone decreases male desire for everything, so if he's feeling not like his old self, it's likely due to testosterone loss.
 
He's just fearful, scared of change....

Yes, things change, people change, I can't say for certain that I'll always hold the same views I hold now, time changes people.....
But isn't that the point of a life partner?
To explore all of life together, which ever aspects of life you chose to experience?

Perhaps... "to death til us part" and all that. But in reality, some people hate change and do anything they can to prevent it in their partner. This is, of course, unrealistic. However, getting married in one's 20s guarantees change. If you've matured too much for your husband's comfort level, in ways that he feels threatened by, it might be time to say bye bye.

(I got divorced after 30+ years of marriage. "We've grown apart and no longer see eye to eye on many subjects." That is what we told the judge and it's true!)

Lack of sex here is probably just a symptom of deeper differences between the 2 of you.
 
Last edited:
I can sympathize with you. My partner and I have been together for 10 yrs and he too has lost his will for sex. We're 37 yrs apart. We also have a DADT relationship that I really don't care for, but I also have fallen in love for another. I would like to open up our relationship and make it poly, so both of us would be happy, but it's just not something that I think he can handle. At least he couldn't handle the idea of me dating, I'm not sure how he feels if it were just one steady person. Not sure about that, I will cross that bridge when I get there.
 
Know you aren't alone, this is exactly how I became openly poly with my husband. Only recently he seems to be trying to express an interest in my physically, which is a surprise. I have no secondaries or even any interest. I kid a lot about different possibilities but honestly I have been too busy with my different interests in life to really find someone again.

I will tell you when I told him about the DADT and falling in love with someone he said he was scared that I would just leave him outright. At some point I was tired of feeling resentful and many of the things you are going through.

You know something really strange... years of asking and cajoling about (not) being physical, he has given me some attention lately as I mentioned and emotionally it hurts because I have felt resentful about it for so long... so now I am figuring out what to do with that feeling... I haven't rushed back into getting physical with him just because he is expressing an interest. Also this will sound dumb, but I wondered if truly wants me or just doing because he knows it is what I want... if that makes any sense at all...?

Oh friend, I hope that you can sort it out. You aren't alone for sure.
 
Oh MoonGlow.... Hugs to you....
Hugs to all of actually

Yes, I do think it's a deeper difference between us, it's not sex
The lack of physical intimacy is symptom of something else
While he has agreed, again, to get his testosterone evils checked, it's been a week and he's made no steps to see a medical Dr (though he did research a new holistic treatment, to me; this is half measures as we don't know yet if this is the cause)
So I get the verbal....
And no.... well, yes, I do hold back tears....
Mostly because at that point I'm so frustrated, they pour, making it hard to speak (ya, I know that may sound dramatics/pitiful but it's not, when you love deeply, you hurt deeply, life's like that sometimes)

He hugged me this week, a hug from him, his own initiative....
First hug in quite a while....
Our last conversations shook him, he's making nice
But is he, or is it sincere... does it stem from love or fear....?
And how worthy do I feel having to even question this.....?

He tries... I try.... There is tons & tons of love, compatibility, even shared laughter.... We are "well" together, a family....
But not romantic/physical
I need this.... He seemingly doesn't....
Neither of us wants to hurt the other or see them in pain

The DADT, we both knew, held great potential for disruption
Even now, he knows, I'd welcome another (male or female (though preferably ale)) into our relationship....
Yes, we've spoken of this many times over the years
He has no interest what so ever in "adventure" of this nature
Not even porn
We've even discussed "asexuality" (he feels not applicable), latent homosexuality (if I mention that again, he'll blow up; which, of course raises flags in my psyche), and yes; age (sorry, but I'm not buying that one, hormone issues; ok, maybe, but no sex simply because you're getting older, nope, old-old people want to too, my mom's basically twice my age and gets more than me)

Time....
Time & sharing....
For me, this fixes most things
Give it time, patiently explain, over & over again....
And share with those who may/can help you along your path
My question to myself is; how much time....?

Love, four little letters.... such a big friggen mess..... :)
 
MzWiz,

I believe I can understand your issue. I too am a woman who needs to feel attractive to her husband. My husband (while young and healthy with no ED issues at all) has never had a driving sex drive.

For years, my husband has confused my need for intimacy for sex. Don't get me wrong, I could have sex three times a day every day of the year and be content =) But for me "intimacy" is not the same as sex. What I crave is intimacy.

He's learned over the years together that holding my hand in public, kissing me throughout the day (goodbye in the morning, hello when we come home from work, etc); looking me deeply in the eyes and telling me he loves me and other actions of this nature keeps me feeling wanted, loved and happy.

The sucky part is that he's a very non-PDA type person, so holding hands in public is about all he is willing to do. Kissing is a PDA even if it's in our home, if someone else is here. And as for the other romantic type things ... there are days and days where both of us are too busy handling the day to day stuff that yeah, even 5 seconds for a lingering "welcome home" smooch is difficult to find energy for.

Yes, sex is the quickest way for me to feel desirable ... but I'm wondering if day to day stuff is taking over any thought of romantic stuff.

This might be a good common ground for you both?
 
You seem to be describing what I found to be probably the most frustrating episode of the longstanding and ongoing relationship with my wife--a period of years when she was either unwilling or unable to communicate (as opposed to merely talking). Hard to say now how much I contributed to the situation, in hindsight at the time both of us seeming not much more than vehicles for our respective demons (imagine a demolition derby in hell).

I was particularly naive back then and tried everything I could think of, including packing up the family and moving overseas for a year partly in the attempt to postpone what appeared to be the looming relationship train wreck, followed by a windows-, doors-, ceiling- & mind-blowing DADT relationship that lasted a number of years, both of which helped me preserve my sanity and regain some perspective--or at least distract me while time did its dirty work.

Years later we're much closer, still in love, a little nearer to being able to communicate, even if each attempt still reminiscent of those nightmares one never resolves because inevitably one wakes up first, screaming.

Being typically male (and hence prone to sharing uninformed opinion, particularly when uncalled for) I don't understand the apparent lack of libido--my own identity depends almost entirely on it--hence possibly an identity issue. It may seem ridiculous to say but likely there's something he's not telling you, perhaps because he's unable to get a grip on it himself, no recourse but what's available to any deer transfixed by headlights. If so it may be only Jung himself could say what.
 
I'm sitting here thinking of his face when we discussed tantric sex.... my god you should have seen him, was like I was asking him to eat worms (which surprised me as he's quite open minded on so many other things: holistic medicine, quantum physics, alt energy...)

You're completely right: intimacy
Not logistics, not stuff you'd share with a friend, but the "I'm with you, in this moment" feeling of a good hug, of a deep look, a gentle touch
Yes, sex is great, all those endorphins, heavy breathing, sweat... (and yes, when he does get down to it, he's very good)
But it's the intimate connectedness that has died....

On this forum, I've learnt a new acronym: NRE
Yes, I've NRE with my second, and it's wonderful
With my primary, even now, even through our heated discussions and worse times, I look to him, see the form of him, the length of his person beneath his cloths, and I yearn/burn to run my hands along his form, feel the softness of his skin beneath my lips, breath deeply his smell......
Even when things are well between us, I reach out to him, to hold his hand, hug him, smile into his eyes.... he pulls away, 1001 things more important than giving me a moment of contentment in his arms

When we talk of intimacy, from his perspective, it falls into logistics, and quite honestly that's exactly how it feels as well. A peck befor bedtime akin to brushing ones teeth and equal intimacy/connectedness.
On any given day, when he catches me looking at him, admiring his form, thinking of all the reasons why I love him, smile building on my face, twinkle in my eye, that "ah" building within me.... He gets uncomfortable, asks me what's up, I tell him I'm thinking of all the reasons I love him or some such... He smiles and changes the subject to whatever he's more comfortable with (news, work, logistics)
With my secondary, of of course, takes 3 milliseconds of such energy and he's stuck to me like crazy glue.... and I love it, yes, but it's not where I want to get my "fix" (I'm not a sex addict but yes, the chemicals produced by the system are much like doing drugs, so yes, getting a "fix" is, for me, the logical way to describe it)

So I try & try, research everything, discuss everything (except, I admit, I have not openly said I've activated the DADT, but that's coming, without a doubt, as I don't like lies, even lies by omission.... even if I've been told to omit them)
I've been reduced to keeping my sexual and intimacy needs to myself as an conversations on this subject leads to arguments, defensiveness and frustration on both sides.

To be blunt; I'm tired of chasing him, doing everything I can as so he may, perhaps, want to be within my 3' at some point during the day
I feel like some pathetic pervert begging for their fav kink when all I really want is a decent hug, one that comes from him, his own initiative
We've discussed this, about how, in the beginning, it was all hot & heavy, all connectedness and yearning, we've discussed how logically this hormonal rush fades and something else takes its place, something deeper, more meaningful
But I still want him, want his physical form, want him to want me, want to feel needed/wanted by him....
As I believe love & sex are not necessarily "coupled" (yes, sex is better when they are, but they can be experienced separately), I've offered anything and everything, name it and we'll make it happen...... He has no interest

For me, intimacy is/are one of life's greatest gifts
The emotional intimacy of being able to share life's ups & downs... understand each other without words..... (this we have, yet this is also the kind of intimacy one shares with ones BFF)
But a BFF, no matter how much they love you and want to share life with you, build with you, is just not the same intimacy as being truly wanted as a sexual being....
And therein lies the crux of the issue
We're best friends, family, secure & dependent on each other like two halves of a whole... But there's a piece missing which I see as a big chunk and he sees as a sliver, a minor thing, unimportant
And no matter how many conversations/tears/frustration I voice, for him it's important for those moments I'm upset and then quickly forgotten & brushed aside.... Then I feel forgotten & brushed aside... Resentment builds, communication on even mundane logistics gets all screwed up between us, we resort to solo things/activities to give each other space, we calm down and the issue gets swept under the carpet

I have to say again, many thanks to all of you, truly
Yesterday we tried to talk, he got on the blame game train and for the first time, I didn't join him (I'm very proud of myself for this)
Instead I sat there, smile on my face, and when he realized I didn't "jump", he got seriously flustered
I told him, we've been down this path before (conversation-wise), you admit as much yourself, I find it funny that after all these years we're still "there", that the "why" is still not understood.... He ended up leaving the room & going fishing without me

There is a way..... I'm certain of it....
He's a logical rational human being....
He understand love is love..... But he doesn't quite get that one person can love two or more people, all loving coming from the same place/source within, no one love being more/less than the other, all love/joy/intimacies feeding each other, replicating & magnified as to nourish the betterment of all (yes, I'm an idealist, sorry :) )

Earlier in my life, I was a player, sex-for-fun....
I'm older now, have a lot of love and emotionally rewarding places in my life (non-sexual: friends, family, respect in the community/work)
The DADT allowed me to express my physical and sexual intimacy needs, and my second has become so much more in my life because he's allowed me to express thus side of myself without shame, without worry ("is he going to like this?... am I too fast/slow....") he actually wants me, it's in his eyes, in his touch... he welcomes me, open arms, and waits for me to kiss him, taking his time, paying attention to me & my needs....

I'm far from done on my conversations with my primary
I don't know where they will lead (even though I have a strong suspicion they may end in separation, that is the very last resort)
I don't understand how he can be happy with his life without sexual intimacy
He doesn't understand why I need it so bad
Yes, we may be at an impass (hence the DADT)
But DADT for me is like I'm hiding part of myself, that my needs are something to be hidden, shameful, dirty.... thus I'm shameful, dirty....
And I'm not, I know I'm not with every fiber of my being (took lots of therapy & sharing to fully absorbe this as it contradicts the imagery he gives me)

Yes, it may be a lost cause, I know that logically
Yet emotionally, I want everything out in the open
I want him to be happy, well within his skin.... and I want to be happy & well within my own skin... I firmly believe there is a middle ground here, I just can't seem to find it

So thank you all, for your insight, your strength, your compassion & love
This forum has/is helping me see different perspectives, different possibilities...
Your strength adding to my own....
The road less traveled is never an easy one
But the rip & replace mentality of today's instant gratification society isn't for me, I want growth within the world I current live, liberation of spirit & soul while maintaining the safety of that which is already in place
The "how" is my challenge..... and I'm determined to find answers....
So thank you for helping me on my journey
You'll never fully understand how grateful I am that you all are there/here
 
Back
Top