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Old 06-20-2013, 11:06 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,031
Unhappy Into the crucible…Pt2/3


Reading this will contain stuff you can't unlearn!

Don't read if you don't want to know!!!! STOP NOW, GO BACK, DO NOT COLLECT $200

Don't whine to me later if you proceed anyways!

You have been warned!


As life happens, sometimes while there’s no good time for certain things, there are usually less bad times. So my wife had held things close to her chest for a while, trying not to let it happen, making sure it was real, and then that it was real enough and strong enough to warrant taking the risk of some waves that might happen in her life by admitting it to herself or her partners. She had the conversation with me, but her gf’s plans made approaching the topic difficult to address immediately. She opted to wait for a lull, a less bad time, to broach the topic with her. I watched her struggle with the need to address the feelings for this guy as they grew stronger, and having to make sure it was ok with her gf. But she had to be honest, and she had to communicate, her poly demanded it. (as did the previous agreements with her gf)

So she told her gf about these feelings that might be developing for this guy, and she was ready to put things on hold indefinitely for her gf if needed. She was honest, and played in the spirit of their agreements. It was also the first time in their years together that my wife had ever had to bring anything to the table that might make waves. (the gf had moved around a couple partners during the same period)

And then the gf dumped my wife. Suddenly, roundly, completely. That was not...expected. WTF?

Now, it seems that there may be some other stuff going on that precipitated this decision on the part of my now suddenly ex-meta, but it still kinda pissed me off for a few reasons.
  • It was done to my wife, and how she was hurting. Duh!
  • My wife had been honest and acted with nothing but respect to their agreements, but was being punished for it. Grr.
  • Where my ex-meta might have been able to control or slow things down while they were dating, getting dumped not only took all restraints off the new relationship developing, but it probably accelerated it. I felt as if my ex-meta could almost use the new prospect like a sex toy and was intentionally trying to fuck my wife with him! Grab him by the hips and push!
  • At the end of the day, I was the husband, and this was my wife’s first venture with another guy, so if anyone was supposed to be freaking out on was SUPPOSED to be ME damnit! She stole my freak-out, so now I wasn’t allowed.

There may be reasons that the ex-gf might had chosen this path, and there is a lot going on in her life, but that’s her shit to deal with, because I can’t even begin to figure out what’s going on in her head, and once my wife was dumped I pretty much don’t care. Her shit, her story, her deal. It’s no longer mine to deal with, and not up for speculation here; there will be no villianisation for it, or excuses offered. What is fair game here though is the aftermath as it affected me, and my marriage.

So now, not only do I have no time to process, but now I basically had to put away any efforts to process, or doubt, or hesitate, or behave badly because I went into damage control & support mode. My issues are suddenly irrelevant because I have to support my wife through her heart getting torn out and trampled on. And sure enough, the bond with the new guy was strengthened by the events as well. Things were still progressing slowly in getting to a physical level, but the feelings were certainly there. But really now, after witnessing the ex-gf’s behavior, there was no way I could be *that guy* and start slamming on the binders for my own sake. As I said, my opportunity to freak out about anything was swept out from under me, and now I have no choice but to play the dutiful and supportive husband.
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
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