Small Town impossibility?

In effect if this continues and comes out down the road your response to your husband will be ......I wanted to come clean sooner but ( bf ) relationship ...his life is more important then ours. That's the possible backlash. You might want to get the "not wanting to know " more rigidly nailed down....and get that on the record.

I've completely changed my tact. I am going to tell my husband everything, because you are absolutely right - I can't pretend that our relationship is the most important if I haven't put everything into it, and am, instead, protecting a relationship with L. So, disclosure is imminent. I'm delaying for two reasons - 1) we had to put down our 12 year old family dog yesterday, so still feel a little raw, and 2) due to trying to take the pill continuously I've had a low grade period for WEEKS now - I've stopped the pill so I can get it done and be intimate with my husband. I don't think it's fair to bring up heavy relationship talks when we haven't 'enjoyed' each other in soooo long ;)
 
Really sorry for your loss :( it sucks .....I think my dad cried at the loss of his dog and not at my grandmother's passing so I get the depths these furry friends can have on us.


I'm not questioning your reasons but I hope this doesn't get looked at as a tactic in softening difficult news or worse.

After the fact it could be twisted into pity fuck, softening tactic, basic manipulation, cheap attempt to reassure sexual desire, etc, ...something you didn't intend. Is it possible this could send the wrong message ?
 
After the fact it could be twisted into pity fuck, softening tactic, basic manipulation, cheap attempt to reassure sexual desire, etc, ...something you didn't intend. Is it possible this could send the wrong message ?

Good point ... not something I intended at all. We just tend to bicker a bit more when we aren't getting it on with enough frequency, and feel more together and strong when we are expressing ourselves in that way. But maybe I'm just delaying for the sake of delaying ... there never really is a 'good time' is there?

I just need to get my head a bit more clear. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically, after yesterday. But one good night sleep could change that. I just really want to get this done, move forward recognizing the change together.

An old friend called yesterday after he heard about our dog. I was so happy to hear his voice. He's been someone I've 'loved' forever (we went to preschool together), and though we've never been together physically (we haven't lived in the same city since high school), the depth of our relationship is much more than friends. Speaking to him, I realized that I've been having a (non-physical) secondary relationship for years and years. I do have the capacity to love more than one, possibly three. I feel so rich!
 
Finally Came Clean!

I did it! I broached the subject by saying that when we first talked about open relationships, R said he 'wouldn't want to know'. I said that I wondered if that was really true since ... there was something to know. He said, "what have you done?" with amused curiosity. I took a deep breath, and told him L and I had kissed a fooled around a couple of times. His immediate reaction was - impressed. Then I got into the timeline, and he wasn't happy that he'd been left out of the loop for so long, felt a bit like he'd been played. I explained that it was frightening and bizarre when it happened, and I wasn't sure what it all meant. Then I said that I began to look into open relationships and poly relationships and realized that I do have the capacity to have strong feelings about more than one person. I brought up other friend (G), and I continually reiterated that none of these other relationships or feelings ever took away from how I feel about R. I said that my experience with L charged me and thus charged us, and that it was good. Throughout it all I defended what I feel, what I did, and apologized profusely for not being honest about it from the beginning. That was my only mistake. He brought up L's partner not knowing, and that it bothered him. I agreed, but we both agreed that it wasn't our place to dictate what they do in their relationship. He said that since its over, and isn't going to happen again (unless somehow L's partner is okay with it), then it's up to L if he wants to bury that secret to protect his weaker relationship. He did say that if L's partner asked him directly, he wouldn't lie. I don't think that I would either.

And then we had the most phenomenal sex ever.

We'll see how things go over the next few days. I know he's upset, despite being so amazing about it all. But he doesn't see it as a huge deal, and he doesn't see it as threatening.

So I feel so much better - and so lucky. I'm glad my assumptions about how my partner would react were correct. I know there will still be some work to do to rebuild trust, but I feel so much lighter now than I have in so long. I also feel like, were another L to come along, we'd have a great shot at a true open relationship. And that's liberating...

Now to tell L that the cat's out of the bag. I think he'll be okay, since it's still up to him whether he discloses to his partner or not. Part of me truly hopes that he does. For them. I feel so secure and happy right now ... all this angst, this lying by omission, and I could have been truthful from the beginning...
 
Congrats!!
 
Good for you. Lying and hiding stuff does create such stress. I am sure the relief you feel is almost palpable.

It's amazing, I can't believe I ever thought that it would be better to keep this hidden. Yes, the stress of lying is far more than I thought, but also coming clean really validated everything that I was feeling. I didn't think that I should be ashamed of how I felt, or feel, but now I have no doubt in my mind.

I also want to really thank everyone on this forum who responded to me. I needed some of my blind spots pointed out, and everyone did that here in a really supportive way. I hope that my adventures into poly territory continue, so that I can continue to be a part of this community. I'm not sure if you all realize what a great service you are doing for people out there who are struggling with relationships that don't fit the 'norm'.

Thank you, thank you.
 
GOOD JOB! Isn't that an amazing feeling, being able to be honest with your beloved?
I know it's meant SO MUCH to me and done so much FOR me since I came clean. :)

I'm proud of you (even though I don't know you) for taking that chance-it's a good feeling knowing that someone else has managed to break free of the delusion that the lying/secrets is a happier/safer place.

I'm glad your husband came through with a listening ear. It's awesome that you two are bonding over this. Learning from our mistakes is a critical component of self-improvement. ;)
 
Congratulations! Just taking that step can be very scary, but whatever the outcome, it is freeing, knowing that you can live by a set of ethics that you can be proud of. There are so many folks that are in denial of this, and live lives of lying, not happy, but thinking that there is no alternative.

I am just extremely happy that the outcome was so positive for you. I thought it was really interesting that the only problem your husband had was that you had waited so long - I think that is a good lesson to learn too - delaying talking about it, often justifying it with "I'm waiting for the right time" actually is counter-productive in the long run, and upsets the partner even more.

Thank you for coming back and updating us on this.
 
And now she knows ...

Well, it was wonderful ... for a moment ... to have my husband on board and everything feeling good and above board. But L's partner still didn't know, and the guilt of that was eating me up. I knew that she needed to know too, but the fall out was/is so terrifying. I spoke with L and convinced him that if he loved her and cared about his relationship, he would tell her.

And so he did.

I haven't heard a thing from L about what happened, but I tried to reach his partner and let her know that I didn't want to avoid this. She hung up on me. Too soon. I know that she is entrenched in thinking about this in terms of betrayal, and the lying was betrayal. But will I ever be able to get her to understand that motivations behind what happened were not so horrible? That we can choose to move forward from this in a different way?

How do I balance defending what I believe about the true nature of relationships, and being respectful of the fact that she thinks I've back stabbed her and betrayed her in the worst way possible? I feel such shame because of the order in which things happened (we should have talked about it first, or at least much much sooner), but I don't feel shame about how I feel.

And this isn't even out in the court of small town public opinion ...yet.

I feel better that she knows, my eye was twitching out of huge amounts of stress and it's not anymore. But I guess I was a bit naive, and didn't really expect this crushing sense of shame, I thought I might have a leg to stand on, but when I try and explain things, it sounds too much like a re-do of the 60's hippy commune philosophy.

And I worry about hurting her even more by even trying to justify this ...
 
And I worry about hurting her even more by even trying to justify this ...

Then please...don't try. Even if she wasn't justified in viewing this as a betrayal (which I think she is), she's in NO state to try to see your view of things. While I don't believe you intended to cause pain, I think it's hard to deny that's exactly what happened. At the very least, I think you have to acknowledge that things were "introduced badly".

Honestly, I would give her time and space. While you're doing that, you might want to look into some resources about healing things after cheating. Wife and I found the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring rather helpful.

Good luck, I really do hope that she's able to heal from this.
 
I haven't heard a thing from L about what happened, but I tried to reach his partner and let her know that I didn't want to avoid this. She hung up on me. Too soon. I know that she is entrenched in thinking about this in terms of betrayal, and the lying was betrayal. But will I ever be able to get her to understand that motivations behind what happened were not so horrible? That we can choose to move forward from this in a different way?

It is too soon. You will have to be patient and wait for her to reach out to you. And she may never do so. Bluntly your motivations are irrelevant right now. It was a betrayal by you and her husband. You did not intend to hurt anyone. But that does not remove the hurt.

She may never come around to your way of thinking. You have no control over that. All you can do is be available to talk if she decides to do so and continue to work on your relationship with your husband. It was a good thing you decided to be open and honest with your husband. And fortunately that has gone well so far. Your former lover is now trying to do the same with his wife. And there is nothing you can do to help him, or her, with that. You will have to live with the shame and the guilt for a while. She cannot take that shame and guilt away from you. She cannot ease your pain right now. That is not her job or her concern. She may forgive you in time. I hope so. The only practical thing you can do now is learn from the shame and the guilt - which you are doing.
 
Your former lover is now trying to do the same with his wife. And there is nothing you can do to help him, or her, with that. You will have to live with the shame and the guilt for a while. She cannot take that shame and guilt away from you. She cannot ease your pain right now. That is not her job or her concern. She may forgive you in time. I hope so. The only practical thing you can do now is learn from the shame and the guilt - which you are doing.

What a learning experience this has been. I know that she can't ease how I feel right now, and that she may never, and she certainly doesn't have to. I'm going to have to come to peace with that on my own terms. I've never felt so wrong before, I've never been the agent of such pain.

What a humbling experience - life altering, mind changing. My husband is still being very supportive, and I am so thankful for that. It's amazing how two people faced with the same incident can react so differently.. But that's the meaning we make out of our lives ... and it's different for everyone.

So what about the rest of our friends - when talking to them, surely I can try and explain what happened - not in the hopes of being excused for it, but in the hopes that they understand? Is there an easy way to explain the poly mindset to those conditioned to monogamy? Or will that still look bad in the face of the pain that I've caused?
 
So what about the rest of our friends - when talking to them, surely I can try and explain what happened - not in the hopes of being excused for it, but in the hopes that they understand? Is there an easy way to explain the poly mindset to those conditioned to monogamy? Or will that still look bad in the face of the pain that I've caused?

To be blunt - it will still look bad.

I screwed up royally when I first got involved with Dude. I hurt my beloved husband - he hurt BAD. (You can read about it in my "Journey" blog here - the /jackassery/ section)

AFTER the dark times (because when my husband is upset with me there are very few people that I can stand to even talk to, let alone share with) I did speak to my very closest friends about what had happened and how miserable I felt having caused him so much pain. BECAUSE they were my very closest friends I knew that they could listen to me, see that I had acted badly, and still love and support ME while never, for one minute, "letting me off the hook" for the mistakes I had made.

Our other, regular friends? AFTER everything was reconciled and Dude was firmly established with us we began to gently talk about (around really) the concept of polyamory - which really surprised none of them, although some of them had questions, they've know us a long time :).

JaneQ
 
To be blunt - it will still look bad.
Our other, regular friends? AFTER everything was reconciled and Dude was firmly established with us we began to gently talk about (around really) the concept of polyamory - which really surprised none of them, although some of them had questions, they've know us a long time :).

JaneQ

So I finally talked to L (recognizing we don't get to talk anymore), he called me at work. His tone was .... upset, I told you so (that's she wouldn't understand and would kick him out), and ... resigned. He said something about how it confirmed his suspicions that she was just waiting for a reason to break up ... which is something he's said about himself as well. Just neither of them wanted it to be their fault. He still wants to try, and I still want him to succeed, but reconciliation will be a long path, and it won't involve me at all.

Then after work I stopped to pick up the mail and our mutual friend J was there, who he's known his whole life and has confided in since this happened. She hugged me. I almost cried. So I guess it comes to this ... I tell people whatever they are ready to hear. I suspect that more people than I would like will know about this, and some will be mad, some will be accepting. Some I can attempt to explain, and some (particularly L's partner) I'll just have to take their emotions, validate them, and leave it at that ...

Something happens, we attach meaning, and then we feel what we feel. For everyone that's different. The challenge is to read that ... correctly.
 
Update, long road, but looks like we're a quad!

Oh the journey I've been on! But last weekend, I believe, we finally arrived. After my last post, our world fell apart. Friends were supportive, but life was hard in our small community. I didn't speak to L for months. I first focused on fixing things with A, who I had betrayed and hurt so terribly. I balanced trying to be honest about how I felt about L and understanding that her hearing I had strong feelings for him was threatening. We had many difficult conversations, and, unfortunately, when L 'came clean' he didn't actually tell her the truth, so that came out slowly over a year and a half. She would ask me direct questions, and I couldn't lie any more, so the truth would come out. Her and I worked hard to regain our friendship, and it is now better than before.
About three months ago she came over to have dinner with me and my husband. Wine and a hot tub, as well as the first conversation that the three of us had had about everything that had happened, seemed to set a stage. We ended up having a threesome. Her and L had got back together, broken up, got back together, and then broken up again. I had had one brief conversation with L in the year and a half, which is quite the accomplishment in a town our size. Nonetheless, I cautioned A that I am not interested in keeping secrets, so she told L the next day what had happened with the three of us. The result? Angry emails directed at me. He couldn't get mad at them, but he could get mad at me. Eventually I called truce and suggested he and I talk in person. So we did, and SEVEN HOURS later (we had a lot to talk about) We're done talking and are now making out. What a backslide.
A is not upset about it, but L is all confused and starts to backpedal. Meanwhile, my husband and A continue to sleep together. It's kind of hot! Then I go away, and get an email that L, A, and my husband had had a threesome! WTF!? I'm amused, impressed, but also a little irritated with L. Where was I in all of this?
L sends me a few emails checking in, and eventually we go for a walk to talk. He's honest, he loves me, is attracted to me, but doesn't feel it's right for where he is right now. He wants A back, and that's his priority. I'm honest about my feelings, and we have a good chat. Both A and L have said that they are being more honest with each other than they have every been in their 12 year relationship.
Then last weekend... a party goes late. A and my husband start to make out outside. L notices, gets agitated, and comes to me. I reassure him that all is okay, and to just relax and enjoy. Next thing I know, him and I are going at it, and then we all head out to their camping trailer. The trailer starts a rockin' ;) Him and I on one side, A and hubby on the other. We switched up in the end and it was awesome!
So far, everyone is pleased, no one is jealous, and the possibilities are endless.... But stakes are high! Nervous about the pitfalls, but hoping good communication can get us through. I never stopped feeling for L, and I finally feel whole again. That, and me and hubby have been having phenomenal sex every day since ;)
A long road, but we've finally got somewhere I'd like to stay!
 
:confused:

Well, can't say that it went well. We tried, but it didn't work, so we stopped it all after about a month. We managed to stay friends, all of us, and that was good. Then about a year later my hubby, her and L started things up again!! At first it was said to be just a one off and nothing more would happen (and I wouldn't be involved) but the next weekend that didn't hold true. For two months we had our thing going on - all four of us getting together - but there was one catch. L and I were NOT allowed to pair individually. This brought up a huge dilemma for me. I don't think such rules are all that realistic, but I agreed to it just to keep what we all had going, also thinking that the whole quad system had to move at the pace of the slowest individual, which was A in this case and her fear of me and L being alone together. But then A went away for a work trip and L & I - despite promising her to the contrary - got together by day 4. It sounds weak, and I do regret it, but we couldn't resist. I felt like I'd been a starving puppy for months with a bowl of dog food right at my feet, but every time I went for it, the newspaper would wack me on the nose. Once the 'owner' was gone, I totally gave in to my hunger.
And it ruined everything. Without trust (which we discovered really wasn't there for either my hubby and A after the first transgression so many years ago) there seems to be little hope for repair.
So that was mid october. Since then, L and I did continue our relationship - at best I can describe it as "well, once you've crossed the line, you might has well spend some time there". My hubby has been all over the place with this, but at this stage is hoping I'll stay away from L (and I am.... mostly). He's threatened to leave me a couple of times. But he stays. And most days we are happy, but there's this terrible undercurrent.
I'm working hard with my therapist to tease this all apart. If I set L aside, I still don't feel like I can be monogamous in my relationship forever. My husband can't see beyond L at the moment, so can't even entertain a conversation about future 'other' relationships. I'm fighting the compulsion to contact L, but see him around town all the time. We're friendly, but any texting gets into the hot territory too quickly. I don't want to lose my family. And part of me is so resentful that THEY started this third round, when I felt I was so nearly over L. But I guess I wasn't ....
This has been so protracted over so many years, it's hard to see that it can ever be over. Hubby is just waiting for me to sneak off with L again. I'm terrified that I might. But more, I'm terrified that my husband will actually never be okay with polyamory again, and I'll eventually have to leave our family if I'm to be how I feel most comfortable being. Or maybe I can re-embrace monogamy? Renew the vows or some such? I don't know. Best I can do at the moment is understand that none of this will be clear until L is well out of the picture. But physically he's still there, and always will be. And in my heart, he's definitely still there ...
How do you know if you can genuinely return to monogamy? I'm afraid of building it all up again to just hurt my husband again. I can't do that. L couldn't do it to his partner anymore. That's why they are split. But I don't want to just be with L and he doesn't want that from me...
So freaking confused! Never mind trying to repair the friendship A and I had.
Can polyamory be less dramatic? Our forays into it have felt so good and right at the time, and then so unbelievably terrible. I don't know what to do any more.
 
Hi Jayehare,

I kind of get the impression that as long as you still live in the same small town as L does, you will continue to be tempted to be involved with him. Which doesn't mean you can't resist the temptation (and learn to live with it), but I wonder if moving (far away) would be something to think about?

Once L is removed from your proximity, maybe you can have a productive conversation with your husband about polyamory. Then if he says no to poly, you know you have to deal with that ultimatum.

As extreme as that all sounds, you must know that staying where you are means that L will overshadow your conversations with your husband, as well as many other aspects of your life. You are stuck in a way. Moving is a way of jarring some things loose.

I'm really sorry the quad didn't work out; that would have been nice.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
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