Compersion: Merged Threads, General Discussion

For me, I've felt at least these types of compersion;

1) I have had sex with someone who really knew how to do it. We had fun times but there is someone I heavily suspect they would be even more compatible with. I love this person, I want them to experience the fullness of joy, also of sexual joy. I know that the person I've had sex with is interested in my other love. So to me, it seems natural to try to make sure that they at least consider the possibility of getting it on (without me).

2) I see someone treating their loved ones with respect and love. They want to share their loves with me, not because they are afraid that the relationship would end otherwise or because they want to get their own jollies out of it. They are just good at sharing, like someone who has enough to get by themselves might want to share from their good fortune to others less well-to-do. They understand the philosophy behind it. So compersion tinged with gratefulness and admiration.

3) I am with someone and thoroughly enjoying my self. For some reason, there is something I can't fully give to this other person - something they can do without, an interest perhaps that I don't share. I would encourage them to the best of my ability to seek out someone who shares that interest with them. A good example, like Mono pointed out, would be me dating a bisexual and wanting them to find a male partner as well.

So for me, compersion is a combination of wanting somebody to experience the fullness of joy available to them and also feeling that someone I am with is just too good NOT to share.
 
So for me, compersion is a combination of wanting somebody to experience the fullness of joy available to them and also feeling that someone I am with is just too good NOT to share.

I had never thought of it, but there IS a bit of that, isn't there? "My boyfriend is so awesome, please, people come and see for yourself!". It's like when you love a book so much that you want everyone else to read it.

For me, it's mostly the other way around: I want my boyfriend to be happy, and it doesn't matter to me if I'm always the one who achieves it as long as I'm making him happy some of the time at least. But you can't reasonably be the only person making someone happy. There will be friends, family and complete strangers doing it.

I haven't really experiences jealousy in my romantic relationships because I was always so sure of how much I was loved. Nothing was a threat to that. However, I have been jealous of friends. I found it much harder to "share" them, because I know it's possible to lose them if you don't get to see them often enough, and it has happened to me a lot.
I think if I could have hanged out with their other friends it would have been fine. It was the exclusion, being pushed aside and away, that hurt.
 
What do you think of sympathetic joy (the idea of feeling happy because someone you love is happy, even if they are happy because of someone else)?
I think it's an admirable quality to foster in oneself.

To me it seems really logical, but very difficult.
It's easiest if you A) are ensuring your own needs are met & B) you are committed to not being self-centered.
Is it hard to experience sympathetic joy sometimes?
absolutely. If you have an unmet need, have failed to address your internal fears, if you are "under the weather" (which means you have an unmet need), if you are focused on your own gratification, if you are addicted to instant gratification.

What do you do when you are feeling jealously, or envy creeping up on you?
Depends on what's going on. One time I sent my metamour a loving, affectionate letter. She wrote back how much it meant to her that I shared my husband with her and that reply sent me to highs of self-appreciation that killed the insecurity that was driving my bout of jealousy.

At other times I've simply asked my partner for a hug or kiss and told them I'm feeling insecure (because generally jealousy is triggered by insecurity) or missing our time together (because envy is generally triggered by a lack of having what someone else is having). That almost always solves the issue.

In an ideal (poly)world, I'd spend a few extra minutes with my significant other with them reassuring me by their willingness to give me a few extra minutes; and then I'd plan a "friendly date" (not romantic-no need to compete) with my metamour in the week ahead.
I find that creating a friendly bond with the metamour makes them a REAL person and that alleviates the sense of them being a "threat". Also, if I can be friends with them and can talk and hang out with them comfortably on my own, that increases their understanding of my quirks (like I get all emotional just before my period) and my understanding of theirs (like they need their lover more often the week before theirs).

It seems like somewhere in the roots of sympathetic joy is the idea of non-attachment, or the idea that we only hurt ourselves with attachment and the false sense of security it brings.
I think it's critical to know what your definition of attachment is in order to address this. For me attachment is a critical part of a relationship, but being attached to someone is not the same to me as being possessive of them. In order to remain in a deep, meaningful place in a relationship, I need quality time and emotional connection with my S.O.

But, I don't need them to share quality time with ONLY me and have an emotional connection with ONLY me. In fact, that would be creepy. I think that the emotional connection that one has with a lover is related to the emotional connection one has with any other person; different depth maybe, but same concept. I would never want someone to give up their emotional connections with the rest of their loved ones for me; it follows logically for me that if I can share a deep, meaningful, emotional connection with them while they have so many emotional connections to others, then I can share an emotional connection with them while they have another deep, meaningful, emotional connection with another lover.

Has your experience with polyamorous relationships seemed more realistic at all, in the sense that you are less possessive of your loves and/or more accepting of the idea that (unfortunately) we will all have to say goodbye to one another eventually?
No. I already was no possessive of my loves. I'm not accepting of the idea that we will all have to say goodbye to one another. Saying goodbye is a choice, we can make it, or not.

How has your experience helped you to be more true to yourself and to find your true identity?
Yes.

Lastly, given the society that we live in and its prescribed ideas of heteronormativity and monogamy as a norm, what struggles have you had as you have challenged these ideas?
Aside from dealing with Maca, very few. The people I surround myself with (mostly mono) are open to accepting that we're all different. That has made it very easy to be "different" because in one way or another, we all are.

On the other hand, I've encountered a number of judgmental and hostile people in the "poly community". Which I find ironic and bizarre.

Has it been worth it?
Yes.

What would you say to the closed minded if you could tell them or try to teach them anything you believe in?
I wouldn't waste my breath. It's impossible to teach anyone who isn't open to learning and a closed minded person isn't open. However, to a person who was open to learning but inexperienced or fearful, I would tell them of all the positive lessons I've learned.
 
However, I have been jealous of friends. I found it much harder to "share" them, because I know it's possible to lose them if you don't get to see them often enough, and it has happened to me a lot.
I think if I could have hanged out with their other friends it would have been fine. It was the exclusion, being pushed aside and away, that hurt.

This! I've had intense friendship jealousy. Slowly working towards increased compersion in close friendships too. I always try to ask Flattie when she is going to see her friends next to show my support (I hope) for her other friendships.
 
is compersion real?

or just an ideal people try to aim for? Is there anyone who thinks they sincerely feel compersion? Did you always feel that way or was there a transition from jealousy to "I'm okay, if I don't think about it too much" to acceptance, to feeling genuinely happy that your significant other has this other person that loves them and makes them happy? What changed? Could you still feel that way if you didn't have other relationships as well, or is it harder in a vee?
 
I'm trying to understand this as well. It seems to me, on the surface, compersion is an ideal situation to eliminate jealousy. I have hard time getting the underlying mechanic on how exactly one gets themselves to this place to see other happy while feeling like something has been taken away from you.
 
I think it is real but I think it takes the exact right combination of people with their personalities and circumstances for it to happen.
 
I think it is real but I think it takes the exact right combination of people with their personalities and circumstances for it to happen.

Tally makes me feel better, if poly veterans still finds this concept difficult, I do t need as "lacking" in this quality.
 
This is difficult

Compersion is hard for me, I waver back and forth, but it seems to be based on my feelings of insecurity. When I fell in love with A, it helped me to understand loving more than one person. I tend to fall in the jealousy pit when I start comparing myself to others, and that's not a healthy thing to do...although it is human nature to do so. Someone will always be younger, "prettier" (what is pretty anyway), or better at some things, or have tgings that I don't. So it is useless to compare. Instead I focus on the things I know he loves about me, and remember that he is not poly because he lacks anything from me, but because he wants to add more to what we have.
I want him to find someone...but I do sometimes get scared.
 
Yep, it's real, I've felt it. But you're not good if you feel it and bad if you don't -- it's just a nice thing to aim for. It involves a lot of security, compassion, understanding, and good feelings for all involved, and often it only comes in time if it does in fact come. Focus on the process, not the end goal.
 
It seems to me, on the surface, compersion is an ideal situation to eliminate jealousy. I have hard time getting the underlying mechanic on how exactly one gets themselves to this place to see other happy while feeling like something has been taken away from you.

I have two points to respond with to this: first, you seem to believe that feeling compersion "eliminates" jealousy, as if being in a poly relationship means you must never feel jealous, or that it is more evolved not to feel jealous. But human beings are multifaceted. Some people are naturally less inclined to be jealous, others have to get past a huge amount of conditioning and insecurities to alleviate the jealousy they feel. One could be living polyamorously and experience both moments of total compersion and moments of all-consuming jealousy, and every shade of the rainbow in between -- and it doesn't mean they are not "doing poly right" for whatever they're feeling.

Generally, jealous is a cover for other, underlying difficult feelings. It's so much easier to focus on the jealousy than it is to feel inadequate, abandoned, a fear of loss of control, or other uncomfortable emotions.

Second, you say that you can't quite understand how one can feel compersion when there's the feeling of having something taken from you. I am going to guess that you're looking at it from the perspective of someone who is in a previously mono relationship that is newly "opened up." Perhaps you feel like something has been taken from you, which could indicate a fair amount of possessiveness, but not everyone else who embarks on poly feels that way. A few examples: some people may feel like they're taking something from someone, some feel a sense of relief, others exhilaration, and others fear something but are not sure what or why they are afraid. Some folks don't feel any kind of ownership over their partners and get on board with compersion right away. So, don't assume that the sense of emptiness from having something taken away is the thing that everyone must grapple with to reach compersion. It could be very difficult, or it could be surprisingly easy if someone can tap into a sense of wanting their partner to feel free and happy, despite any sense they may have of feeling like they're "getting less."

Is there anyone who thinks they sincerely feel compersion? Did you always feel that way or was there a transition from jealousy to "I'm okay, if I don't think about it too much" to acceptance, to feeling genuinely happy that your significant other has this other person that loves them and makes them happy? What changed? Could you still feel that way if you didn't have other relationships as well, or is it harder in a vee?

I think when a person can look at their lover without any thoughts of "what am I getting out of this?" it is easier to be happy for their happiness and feel compersion. If we always choose to focus on ourselves, and what we are getting or not getting, compersion is probably impossible. So, I think it takes admitting to a bit of self-centered concerns and examining them closely and with some compassion, for ourselves as well as those we love, to get past whatever feelings stand in the way of feeling compersion.
 
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Is compersion real?

Yes. So is jealousy. I usually don't feel jealous, but it does manifest occasionally. I recognize jealousy as part of the culture in which I was raised and compersion as part of the culture to which I wish to belong.

When you wish for others what you wish for yourself, you've gotten to the place where compersion is the default setting. Some see polyamory as diminishing love, as if it were a precious commodity being divided. But it's more like, the more you give away, the more you have. Like smiles.

This is my favorite question, in all the ways it is phrased: is it really possible to feel good about someone you love loving someone else? I'd say, it's possible for most of us, if we want it to be.
 
I have felt it at times when I like/trust my metamours. As of yet I haven't experienced it if I don't like or know them, not that I've actually had any metamours I don't like so far, but I am guessing I would find it much harder to do if that was the case.

Nevertheless like nycindie said, it doesn't eliminate the possibility of feeling jealousy or envy, but it sure as hell can make it easier sometimes.
 
I can say its real

I have watched my wife making love to her BF and seen how happy she is, what I want from my life is happiness. Watching her being happy makes me happy. What do I get out of it, well gee go figure if my wife is happy....... Needless to say there have been many times as well where it has been the other way and my wife is happy for me. Just the other day she said to me you need to be with your GF.

I think people need to get over themselves and every thing else will be fine, what I mean by that is that people who have problems with poly usually are looking at it with why am I not enough, or how come I can't do that for .... And you know the love I have with my wife is different than the love I have with my GF. But I do love them both. I have made it very clear to my wife that I will not leave her so that she is not feeling insecurity.

A true poly person can love more than one. And I for one am very happy with my personal life right now.
 
As I see compersion it is very real and, for me, without jealousy. I feel this daily towards RP and her husband and her girlfreind. That does not mean I am not a jealous person LOL! I know what jealousy feels like for sure. What it does mean is that in a least these two rare cases I have found complete, consistant, and total comfort. It is not something I am aware of. It's not joy or excitement for the relationships although I am concerned about the health of each sometimes. It is more about what I don't feel than what I do feel.
 
Yes, it is real. And, for me, it did take some time... or should I say, practice :)

It was a gradual shift... one in which I've come to see compersion as the normal state of affairs and jealousy as more temporary and, most times, it alerts me to something in myself that isn't exactly right. More often than not, what I think is jealousy is insecurity about myself or the relationship or just life in general. Once I identify what's really bothering me and fix it, the big, calm empty space left over is, I think, compersion :eek:
 
Yes, its real. I feel it often, but I also have my moments of jealousy. My jealousy like others have said comes through when there is something else going on. I have to take some time and exam it and figure it out and then take steps to correct what is causing it. Thankfully for me compersion happens way more than the jealousy.
 
I agree with the "it's real" verdict.

For me, it was actually more of a "click" one day. It helped to experience reality instead of hypotheticals. In other words, a lot of my insecurities were based on "what if this, what if that" without actually getting into those situations and finding out what if. When I saw with my own eyes that my partner could be with someone else, and still come home to me with just as much love and passion as he had when he left (actually, more), then I started to live more in reality than hypotheticals.

I think it's a lot about letting go... letting go of cultural norms, fears, preconceived notions, and anxiety. Let yourself trust.

It also has to do with finding a partner whom you can trust. Let's face it, not everyone who wears the polyamorist button is good at doing it. Some people make it hard to trust them, behave selfishly, and generally don't look out for your well-being. Of course, plenty of people do that in monoamorous relationships also.
 
Compersion is indeed real and I feel it often. It is NOT the opposite of jealousy nor is it a cure or antidote for jealousy. Jealousy is its own emotion, to be dealt with on its own, just like happiness, or excitement, or sadness are emotions. Compersion is a lovely feeling that tends to be *more present* when you're not feeling jealous most of the time, but it *can* be present at the SAME time as jealousy.

You do not have to feel compersion to be poly, nor do you have to be free of jealousy to be poly. Humans vary in their emotions, and poly people are human. :)

Compersion is more easily experienced if you're feeling relaxed and happy about yourself. Jealousy is less likely to be experienced under these same circumstances, hence the association between the two. Sort of like how having a full belly and contentment are often found together. ;)
 
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