What does "I love you" mean to you?

I'm interested in exactly what people mean when they say "I love you" to their partner, and whether it means anything different in polyamorous relationships.

Monogamous people sometimes say that part of being in love is preferring your partner to anybody else, which is an aspect which clearly wouldn't apply to polyamorists.

Most polyamorists I know either want or are already in at least one relationship with a permamant, lifelong commitment of some sort. The sort of emotion that draws you to those kind of relationsips seems fairly easy to define as "being in love". Some people in polyamorous relationships will have two or more relationships like that, but what about those other kinds of relationships that we might have? What about those secondary/tertiary/etc relationships that will never reach that type of commitment for whatever reason?

What do you need to feel or know before you tell a partner "I love you"? Is love purely emotional for you, or is there a rational component too?
 
It means that I care for someone enough that their happiness is a fundamental concern of mine....:)

I don't hand it out easily either. Love to me, specifically romantic love, implies a certain level of commitment (which does not mean fidelity)
 
I think the best way to explain what I mean by I love you is "knowing you exist makes me happy". It means I want them to be happy, crave them when they're gone, and they're in a special part of my heart.

I don't think it's much different than in a mono relationship. Just, the "I prefer you to everyone else" becomes "I prefer you guys to everyone else". Although I would say it's a different kind of feeling rather than a "better" one. I love my friends too, in a different way, that doesn't mean I think they're inferior.

I think loving someone is emotional and physical. Your heart beats faster, you're all smiley, you know what that's like I assume?

I think in my case "I love you" also means "I want you to stay a part of my life, and while our relationship might stop at some point, I don't have an end in mind".
 
It's akin to namaste to me... "Your spirit and my spirit are ONE." I can have this with everything. Birds, feathers, a rock.... It is a matter of depth. I say I love you when I feel it's depth.
 
In the past, it has meant "I want to spend my life with you" "I want to grow old with you" "I want to raise children with you"

It has also meant "OMFG that was amazing sex, and I want to do that again"

For right now it means "You are important to me, and I can't imagine my life without you" regardless of how often or how much contact I have with that person.
 
It means something in that person moves me in a spiritual way, we are connected, there is trust, we are vulnerable to eachother, there is mutual admiration and life with him/her has been so much better.
 
When I say "I love you" to someone and we have a long term relationship, it means that we have loved one another for many years. We have demonstrated honesty with one another. We have a mutual trust and respect for one another. We find that we are able to work out conflicts and come to resolution which feels right for both of us. We still look forward to spending time together. We connect mentally, emotionally and sexually. We have each demonstrated an interest for self-growth. We have each been able to confront one another when necessary. Neither of us is feeling any fear or doubt about having an emotional connection for the rest of our lives..... It just feels right.
(I can say this to three men in my life.)


Elusive Love
By: Idealist

Although love creates the desire within the lover to possess,
Love can neither be contained nor possessed.
The lover desires to find security within the love.
This fleeting sense of security can be felt for periods of time.
It is futile to attempt to capture love and own it as a possession.
Love will possess you instead.
Love is within you and waiting to be expressed and shared,
And it conveys itself in so many different ways.
It is the foundation of life itself.
 
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I guess I'm a bad example, or my monogamous wiring is showing. For me, "I love you" *does* say that I prefer you above others, and also that I want to spend my life with you. I *rarely* say I love you to non-romantic partners--my children, OF COURSE, but (don't judge) my parents raised me to not say I loved them. My MIL tries to force it from me, and I hate it. But that's a tangent.

My partners are all what I would consider long-term partners. When I say, "I love you" I mean you are special to me, I commit to you, I will take care of you when you need it, and you are my family. When I say it, it's special, because I don't say it to a lot of people. However, weirdly, when someone is special to me, but not in the "I love you" category, I tell them to be safe. The only one who's ever figured that out is Easy, who gets me. :D
 
I think the best way to explain what I mean by I love you is "knowing you exist makes me happy". It means I want them to be happy, crave them when they're gone, and they're in a special part of my heart.

THIS.

It's easy to love when it is returned. The most interesting time I ever said "I love you" was within the last six months.

I was on a business trip, and planned on seeing an ex. (With permission, of course.) While exes are normally exes for a reason, the reason this particular gent was an ex was because he wasn't ready for long term commitment when we dated, was military, and got posted. I loved him intensely at the time. We reconnected after he came back to the area, about a month before my trip, a few years after he broke it off.

At one point, we were sitting together, and I was simply filled with love for him. I knew he had strong feelings for me, but was 95% certain I wouldn't be hearing an "I love you" from him. I said it anyway.

He was a little taken aback. I explained I didn't need to hear it in return. It was just how I felt, and I was not implying a need for anything more than that moment. It was such a pure moment for me, because I am normally fraught with "Will they say it too??"

He visited in the summer, and surprised me by saying it back. We kept in touch and frequently said we loved each other. It just is and in no way diminishes my other loves.

He has since found someone to be with. I don't hear from him now, but I know that is what he needs. He's mono, and could not give her the attention she deserves if I was around to distract him. I have no negative feelings about this whatsoever. I know we could never work and simply want the very best for him.

My other loves are different, and also different from each other. They all run deeply, but I don't know why they aren't the same. Something to think on during a rainy day!
 
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unrequited love has been one of my most painful lessons - in life. Congrats to you for understanding how it would be and reflecting on it before hand.
 
Thats awesome TruckerPete.

The freedom to just love, and accept that person into my life however they may fit, was a big lesson for me, after many years of only handing out conditional love.

Unconditional love, has probably been my greatest learning experience so far.
 
From here.............

Loving you means I respect you for the person you are and the potential you hold to make the world a better place....

That seeing you and being in your presence makes feel warm & happy regardless of my prior mood.

That your happiness in life is important to me and that I'm willing to do what I can to insure that. This may involve some effort and even sacrifice on my part.

And yes, it even include the component of- "I love you BUT............" but that would be the topic of another thread !

GS
 
When I tell someone I love them it means I care about them deeply, and want their happiness and comfort. I love very easily, but don't say it to a lot of people.
When I tell someone who I am romantic with that I love them it means that I not only care for them and want them to be happy, but it also means that I cherish my time with them and they make me happy.

I see a difference between loving someone and being in love with them... a big difference. Telling someone I am in love with them signifies I want that long lasting kind of relationship with them. It is also possible for me to be in love with more than one person.
 
For me some one doesn't have to be in a romantic role for me to say I love you. I think that I see the love as kind of the foundation for all the deep human friendships/relationships and then the role they are in can change. So while our roles may be fluid, my loving them doesn't really change.
 
Interesting ideas! For those of you who didn't include sexual attraction, is that not a necessary part of romantic love for you? For me, love is a combination of that sexual, physical attraction and the deep, spiritual connection, and they both feed off each other.

On another note, if you can be "in love" with more than one person at a time (and we all agree that this is possible, I'm sure!), does that love have to be equal to be real? I've often seen polyamory explained to monogamous people with a "well, parents can love more than one child!" but most parents would say that they don't love one child more than the other. Can you be in love with two people, but love one of them more?

I'm really getting at what love means for different relationship configurations. I've struggled in the past telling my partners I loved them, because I loved my husband so much more. I wonder whether or not it can even be love if I feel that way.

If you prefer one of your partners to the other (probably in a primary/secondary situation) can you really be in love with them both?
 
Interesting ideas! For those of you who didn't include sexual attraction, is that not a necessary part of romantic love for you? For me, love is a combination of that sexual, physical attraction and the deep, spiritual connection, and they both feed off each other.

I have loved women without a physical attraction. Its rare but it does happen. The part that is missing is the lust aspect. I find it difficult to lust for a woman I have no physical attraction to.

On another note, if you can be "in love" with more than one person at a time (and we all agree that this is possible, I'm sure!), does that love have to be equal to be real? I've often seen polyamory explained to monogamous people with a "well, parents can love more than one child!" but most parents would say that they don't love one child more than the other. Can you be in love with two people, but love one of them more?

That would assume love is quantitative. In my mind, by itself love would be equal I think. The other aspects of the relationship and connection can change the potential value, if there is one.

If you prefer one of your partners to the other (probably in a primary/secondary situation) can you really be in love with them both?

Yes I believe so. Because each person I love has its own silo that works independently from the other. By me loving someone else, it would never devalue the love I feel for Pengrah

Lets look at comparing my love to our ex and my wife.

My wife, we have history, loving relationship, little bit of giddy flirting and a supporting nature

My ex at that time - lust, passion, wanton need. Friendly fun and monstrous flirting

While love can be equal the relationship was not. Both had the strengths and positives and negatives. But one did not devalue the other. In fact they complimented each other.

At least thats my take.
 
When spoken to some one I consider a Lover, "I love you" means the trust I have in our relationship has opened a gateway for the energy of my soul to be shared with you. It is a declaration of my desire and ability to communicate with you in a way that is unique to the connection we have.
 
I love you. Wow, can mean so much or so little. For soooo many years, I have battled to get these words OUT of my mouth more. My good friends, my family, heck, even my colleagues who have become such good friends to me over the years.

I had never had to really figure out what "I love you" meant until this first poly relationship. Man, did I love her, or maybe, do I still "Love her". It is such a tight attachment that it scares me just a bit. Obviously, that would explain the chest pain now!

However, for me...the bigger THANG would be "I trust you". That one is saved for ONLY a very few ppl in my life. The opposite nature of the two thoughts have to point a rational person to "I lust for you" instead, no??

I mean how can one love so deeply without trust. I just don't think it is possible. AND that is how we all get messed up. Pure love is full of trust, rich and deep. In fact, as the anthropologist said, we would risk our life for another when pure love is there! Do you think we would risk our lives for another if there was a doubt of trust?

Probably not.
Just my two cents.
P2
 
Interesting ideas! For those of you who didn't include sexual attraction, is that not a necessary part of romantic love for you? For me, love is a combination of that sexual, physical attraction and the deep, spiritual connection, and they both feed off each other.

On another note, if you can be "in love" with more than one person at a time (and we all agree that this is possible, I'm sure!), does that love have to be equal to be real? I've often seen polyamory explained to monogamous people with a "well, parents can love more than one child!" but most parents would say that they don't love one child more than the other. Can you be in love with two people, but love one of them more?

I'm really getting at what love means for different relationship configurations. I've struggled in the past telling my partners I loved them, because I loved my husband so much more. I wonder whether or not it can even be love if I feel that way.

If you prefer one of your partners to the other (probably in a primary/secondary situation) can you really be in love with them both?

I know what you mean by having trouble telling your parents you love them. Maybe there is something wrong with me, but I am not comfortable with that relative kind of love. Do I love them at all? Not sure. I feel most my caring for them is obligatory, and have very little actual connection to my parents, siblings, nieces, etc...
It is easy for me to tell a man I am romantic with that I love him, especially if I know it won't scare him. But I do have trouble saying it to my friends. I only am really comfortable verbalizing love to those I have romantic feelings for. There is definitely something very different between romantic love and platonic love.

I think physical attraction is pretty important for romantic love... But emotions can also tell us we find someone attractive that we didn't used to just because we now have feelings for them.

I feel like we can be in love with multiple people in different ways. I don't think any of it is equal, and it would be hard for it to be. All relationships develop at different rates, in different ways, and everyone has different needs and fulfills different needs.
Whether or not one is stronger than another is a very touchy subject. I am going through some stress at the idea that my boyfriend may develop stronger feelings for his new girl, but if he does, so be it. It's not like she can or will replace me, we are just different people.
 
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