Redpepper's journey

Today I woke up and spent the day in bed until 2ish (I thought I would add this, in light of recent conversation.) I had sex several times and drank coffee, and forumed, planned, talked and watched Mono play with his phone, all common occurrences. But today was the first time I felt the pull of being lady boss to our household. Up until now, I have felt separateness between our part of the house and Mono's. I don't think I do anymore. I don't think I see household responsibilities as separate anymore either. This was evident in my conversation with Mono.

We talked of the upcoming gardening season and what kind of division of labour there might be between us all. It could go three ways, I think: A. We all work together to get it done so we can all relax and enjoy later, and spend time together. B. PN and I do it all. My time with Mono would be cut, as I would see gardening as a necessity, to a certain point. C. The guys don't do anything and I do it all and no one sees me for the rest of the summer.

When I asked PN what he thought about the garden responsibility coming up he said, "Oh ya, let's get a list going and see what needs to be done and then start somewhere." Mono asked if it was necessary to garden at all and what I would do if someone decided to not help. :confused: This is when my list of possible scenarios came in.

I don't know where we are at. Early days yet. I have a show at the end of the month and I won't be all that available for the May 1st deadline we usually keep for planting the veggies. I made a list of what I thought needed to be done and starred what needed doing first. What I starred is also what I don't need to be in on, in case the guys feel like doing it without me. The rest is nitty gritty stuff like weeding. Well, I know what is in the garden and it can wait until May.

So now I am wondering if I have to play the cranky wife, trying to get the men motivated to take responsibility. The thing with these two is, PN has good intentions, but gets sidetracked easily with his writing and "indoor" activities. Mono would rather be riding and watching movies, I think. It could very well be that either I turn into hag wife, or do it myself. I vow to do it myself, without demands and without conversation, just silently traipse outside to do it. See how long that lasts.:rolleyes:
 
Sometimes you just have to remind them that if they enjoy what the graden gives, they have to help tend it. Karma will be really excited to get one going, and then it all falls on me. So if I have time to tend it he gets a bounty of good food, if I don't he doesn't. I think he's realized if he wants to eat, he has to help.

Good luck!
 
I had a really nice date with Derby tonight, Thai food and then somewhere else for dessert. She paid for dinner and I paid for dessert. We chatted and caught up on a lot of things, and then had a lovely smooch in the car before she dropped me off. It was great to catch up. Life carries us away sometimes. She and I have been very busy with our own stuff. It was great to reconnect and spend some time together. :) *Sigh* happiness :)
 
I had a really nice date with Derby tonight. Thai food and then somewhere for dessert. She paid for dinner and I paid for dessert. We chatted and caught up on a lot of things and then had a lovely smooch in the car before she dropped me off. It was great to catch up. Life carries us away sometimes and both her and I have been very busy with our own stuff. It was great to re-connect and spend some time together. :) *Sigh* happiness :)

:)
 
Things are humming along here.

I was the pick up girl for a Carnival Burlesque show this past weekend and got to dress up like a cheeky clown. It was so much fun, a lot of hard work and I got shot with a sparkle gun. Next up is Robot Burlesque at the end of the month. Practice starts Monday.

I am missing PN lately. He is very quiet about himself and not all that interested in spending time together. We have been getting along great, but he is very much in a hermit phase. A long winter with no holiday, the year-end business to keep up with at work (he does 1/3 of his work in March), and the almost death of his father has meant little to no time for anything else but catching up on sleep and looking after himself.

PN's dad is about to head home to his island. He will be in hospital for much more time to come, but he is on the mend.. He is still very confused, but that is lessening. Work has started to figure out support for him and his wife.

Mono and I are great. We carry on as our usual selves, bickering and arguing about stuff that we can't seem to see eye-to-eye on, mostly about the forums, these days.

He is so different than me, yet we love each other immensely. I have never known someone to challenge me so much, yet I never seem to feel as if we aren't on the same page, somehow. We always end up being fine. It certainly plays out in the bedroom, so I'm not complaining.

My dear Derby is a gem. She continues to nurture my need for having someone to bounce stuff off of, who won't argue with me, or agree necessarily, but just listen. I love our conversations. We can be so gossipy, but at the end of the day we have sorted so much out about our lives and what we think about stuff. It's so important. It keeps me grounded and on the path to thinking clearly about what I want and where my future lies. She has really made me sit up and notice that half the stuff I get wrapped up in is bullshit and not worth my energy. I love her for that.

I have a date with Leo tomorrow night, beer at a pub and a long talk. It's been 5 weeks. I look forward to seeing him again.

I have been thinking about my tertiary a lot lately. I have some tools of his in the back of the car that I have been driving around for a month. I need to return them, but he doesn't reply to the emails I send. I think I will just go over.

I have seen his wife several times in the last few weeks and wonder how his divorce is going. She has integrated into my community here and it causes me some concern. She and I have a long history together. She comes up every now and then in my life. She and I always seem to seek out similar communities. It's so interesting how people circle around, sometimes.
 
Mono and I are great. We carry on as our usual selves, bickering and arguing about stuff that we can't seem to see eye to eye on. Mostly about the forums these days. He is so different than me, yet we love each other immensely. I have never known someone to challenge me so much yet I never seem to feel as if we aren't on the same page some how. We always end up being fine. It certainly plays out in the bedroom so I'm not complaining.

.

Our relationship has deep roots in an extremely trusting friendship. We are naturally drawn together and I love just being around you. It's true, we are very different. We see the same situations on the forum with different perspectives and this leads to bickering. But we usually find out we are merely misinterpreting each other. LOL We do that quite often, as well. The way we talk leads to confusion and frustration, but we get through it. :) Our connection is strong and our love very passionate. Things are, in fact, GREAT!
 
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Oh, thank you, Derby ... I was so thinking this, but Mono was being all sweet and serious and so I tried very hard not to break the mood! :D

Breaking my mood is easily accomplished. Just ask Redpepper about the effects of having our friend sleep in the bed above us last weekend. :eek:
 
I've had some thoughts come together lately, as a result of many conversations and many years of thoughts and processing. I thought it was a bit of an epiphany, but really, I think I just became very aware, in a moment, of where I have been, where I have been going and what I have instinctually been doing.

I have had conversations and watched documentaries about a number of unrelated topics that seemed to have come together into one thing, and that is how I see life and what I should be doing.

First of all, this came to a head when Mono and I had been talking about how there are two kinds of people in the world. PN and I are of one group and he of another. There are people like PN and me, that think of the world and our affect on it. We think about how it affects us, and the future. holistically. There are also people, like Mono, that don't do this. They think about what is going on for them and in their immediate surroundings, how the people they love are doing and how they can help or be supportive. In native totems this would be akin to the eagle and the mouse. Eagle soars above and sees all. Mouse sees up close and the details. Both relevant, both important.

I have also been thinking about money and have been watching and talking about debt. Recently PN and I have been trying something new as a way to save money. He gives me cash once a week to spend on what we need and entertainment. It has changed how I operate in terms of how I see money. I see our money going down and plan ahead more, only buying what we need. It's awesome! It works for me. I have been really thinking hard about how to make sure we don't go into debt, any more than the mortgage we have, and how to survive prices going up and my wage and his, not. Not only that, the car costs quite a bit just to keep well-maintained. It's something I really don't think I can be without if I want to keep my job.

I have also been thinking about who I choose to spend my time and energy on and who I should pass on. Like everyone, I have a need to belong, but sometimes I go to the ends of the earth to achieve that. I not only don't need to, because I have most of what I need inside of me, or in those that are close to me. As an attempt, yet again, to explore being alone and okay, I have been trying hard to focus on those closest too me, who fit my values, and letting go of feeling responsible to anyone else.

I had a chat with someone about how people consume more and more in terms of people they know, fame, things/items, attention from others, time/being busy, activities/doing it all, instead of looking within at what sustains them and only taking what they need, so as to give back what is possible for them, or only giving as much as they will receive back and need back from others. Often people take more than they should and expect too much back as a result, leaving those around them feeling no connection to the real person within the person. That person is not available to them.

Much as people consume when they shop, there is little to no connection to the item itself, only to the fleeting moment of glee at buying a new toy. That fleeting moment is becoming commonplace in every aspect of life, for some. The thing is, it's often followed by depression and resentment that they don't have the same "high on life" feeling they might've had if they had not been scrambling to get something or be something special. They might have that feeling in the moment, but it passes quickly and is gone.

That feeling of being special is something we teach our kids in this culture. No one is special. We are all average. Out of that comes someone special, a star, just because they are noticed for something that, to them, is average.

I find myself saying how amazing LB is in everything he does. Well, he is just an average kid who does average developmental stuff. I am setting him up to think that he is special and capable of achieving special things that will set him aside from others. This is not fair, because if he doesn't succeed in being better, then he will be susceptible to depression and will find himself being lonely and on his own. This is not healthy, I don't think.

By teaching him that he is average, and that it's okay to be average, he can decide for himself what he will do. Or it might turn out that he isn't average, because his brilliance will rise to the surface in his life, unfettered by a consumeristic way of being. Much like many great people, he will just become noticed. He will be fine with being just average, if it should turn out that way, because I have decided not to teach him that he is special and apart from the crowd because of it. I will work on my own averageness also.

The culmination of all this is that I am realizing that, more and more, I need to be self-sustainable, work on being average, with a deep respect for saving my money and resources to keep my family going. Really, home and family are the most important thing, not necessarily real family, although they are important, but chosen family. In a way, I'm bringing in thoughts of how I influence the whole world, and it me, and looking closely at myself and those closest to me, at the same time.

I am thinking that, more and more, chosen family and birth family are going to be huge in the future, as far as survival. It's rather back in time really, but I think it will swing around, yet be different in many ways than the past. Already there are signs of it in my life, as I hear of my friends' older kids staying in the family home longer because they can't afford to move out, or having aging parents moving in, because they can't live on what they have saved or earn. All these big houses that are owned by single families may one day have to be owned by many families, or one large chosen family, much like what I have in my life now, three adult incomes coming together to form something sustainable. There will be more need for good communication skills, tolerance, virtues and values, accepting our averageness and finding ways to be sustainable within our families or tribes.

I heard somewhere recently that there are 40 years left before we destroy the world, if we keep at the rate we are going in its destruction. I will be 80 then. What can I do now that is at my family/community level? That is the only place I can make a difference, I think. What can I teach and prompt my boy to get a handle on now, so that he might be capable of getting along with others and existing in an average, large family of chosen people? How can I achieve a sense of self worth and confidence in myself and my place in my tribe and communities? How can I feel as if I belong?

I know the answers a bit more now, and intend to keep at it. :)
 
I saw Leo today. He quit his job. He's a mess. It's been a long haul and a rollercoaster that is not stopping yet. He is completely in denial about the issues he has in his life. I am grateful again for my decision to not involve myself with him sexually. It has meant I can keep at arm's length a bit more, be supportive and available without being entwined, as I would have been if we had become sexual.

I have no idea how people could not be entwined as a result of sex. He doesn't become entwined and that, in itself, is another reason to be grateful for my decision. I find it very hard to trust that he loves and cares about me as a result of this info. I am finding this to be an interesting journey of trust on many different fronts.
 
I saw Leo today. He quit his job. He's a mess. Its been a long haul and a roller coaster that is not stopping yet. He is completely in denial about the issues he has in his life... I am grateful again for my decision to not involve myself with him sexually. It has meant I can keep at arms length a bit more and be supportive and available without being entwined as I would be if we had become sexual.

I have no idea how people could not be entwined as a result of sex. He doesn't become entwined and that in itself is another reason to be grateful for my decision. I find it very hard to trust that he loves and cares about me as a result of this info... I am finding this to be an interesting journey of trust on many different fronts.

YIKES!:eek: and Whew!:rolleyes:
 
YIKES!:eek: and Whew!:rolleyes:
Heh. I suppose so. Its a work in process I think.

I just realized I have been on here for two years this month. What a rollercoaster. It's paid off largely because of being here, participating, discovering a path that has worked for me, sharing, changing, growing. It's been a blessing to have seen people come and go. I've made some good friends and created a community here that I cherish.

Thank you. :)
 
Thank you :)

Than you! I hope you realize how much you've helped people, me included, by just being there, being your non-judgmental, 'this is what works for me' self.

Happy forum-versary!
 
Next month will be 2 years for me too. (which means 2 years since I met you). :D
 
Next month will be 2 years for me too. (which means 2 years since I met you). :D

This is amazing really...all of us connected in such a non-conventional way and yet looking out for each other for quite some time now.

It's been quite a journey so far :D
 
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