The Blog of the Mono Wife

J - no misunderstanding at all. I was aware that you were on here but not posting out of respect for ak. You're right this is a place where she should be able to come to vent and seek help without worrying about defending her words. She needs that as it is helping her through this. I'm not sure if you are aware of my situation -- but it is very similar to ak's. Her and I think and feel the same about a lot of this. My husband and his GF are on here now and I do feel as though I have lost my freedom to say what I need to say in the way I need to say it, because I am sensitive to their feelings and because my words have been criticized and used against me. Ak has told me and I have seen from her posts that you are both reaching out to the other and recognizing each others feelings and needs. I know that you meet for lunch or coffee, that you text each other - I think it is wonderful that you two are able to do this. This is where my husbands GF and I occaisonally struggle. Whatever happened last night - I am hoping for everyones sake - that it can be worked out. As you know - ak has come a long way on her journey to compersion. I hope this is just a bump in the road - but I don't know the details and severity of what happened last night. But the fact that you are both taking responsibility is a good sign. Knowing how much ak loves her husband and values your friendship - I know you guys will be able to fix this and move on.

I'll be thinking about you both!

Kat
 
Ak-

the hardest thing to do when we push ourselves to hard, too fast, is to forgive OURSELF.

Generally speaking-once we forgive ourself we find that everyone else ALREADY FORGAVE US!

The rest of us can only imagine what is hurting you so much in this moment.
But having experienced moments of our own-we have a LOT of potential ideas. Our moments were painful too.

Valentine's Day was one for me. Maca bought me a beautiful ring. He bought a card and then asked GG if he wanted to write in it too.
THEY gave me the V-day gifts. I was moved to tears. The card was so sweet! The words they wrote in it touched my heart.
Maca and I went down to our room later and he made a comment about the ring (it has 4 or 5 hearts on it). He said something to the effect of "did you see that? Guess GG and I need to get a girlfriend."

That comment led me to believe the ring was from THEM. All hell broke loose when his attitude reverted and after talking to a mutual friend I found out that he EXPLICITLY did NOT want the ring to be from THEM, but only from HIM.
But HE was the one that set it up to look like it was from THEM-not I, not GG.
I was FURIOUS.

Sounds pretty minor written out at this moment-but that ring still sits in a drawer of his dresser. Because I returned it with the statement, "I'd rather have nothing at all, then a gift you weren't really ready to give. I don't want to be given gifts that are going to be taken back."

Suffice it to say he was ready to throw in the towel and call it quits. He couldn't see how we'd ever get past that much less through all the rest of the work needed to make a functional, healthy, happy, poly relationship.
But here we are in May-and that fight is over. We've made it through a number of other learning lessons-we've all made our mistakes, broken each others hearts,

AND YET_we are ALL stronger for it and our relationship as a whole is stronger for it too.


Don't give up because you took a step too soon. Just step back, take a deep breath and see what you can make from these lemons-a bit of sugar and ice and you may find it's the perfect time of year for a great pitcher of kick ass lemonade.
 
LR - you never fail to amaze and inspire me with your words! I wish I was able to view and verbalize things with the clarity, honesty, inspration, understanding and empathy that you do. You are amazing!

I learn something new from you everyday!

Thank you for that!

Ak - she's right - you are loved and you need to forgive yourself, ask for forgiveness and move on!

Kat
 
Thank you Kat.
You won't be so amazed after reading a few of the books I've suggested! ;)
You'll find that much of what I say is simply something someone else learned and I read-understood and put into practice.

The hardest part is PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE.
But it's also the most exhilarating!
Well worth the effort. ;)
 
LR - I am going to try to buy or order some of those books today. I hope they make me as wise and inspirational as you are!

Ak - please update your post and let us know how you are doing! I am worried about you. I PM'd with J a little last night and she respects you so much for doing what you are doing and she does not hold you responsible for whatever happened. I hope that the three of you have been able to talk and work things out. Whatever happened - it isn't the end of the world - you will come out of this stronger! PLEASE post or PM me!

Kat
 
Good for you KT! Nerdist went through a similar process to get to where he is today. Which is why, if you have read roly's thread (getting into a relationship with a married person?), I am adjusting to my new position in his life.

Finding your independence will allow you to decide if you want to stay in this or not. Its the first step in my opinion. Something that I mentioned when you first came on here. I'm glad that you are recognising that that course of action might be a way out of what you are feeling now and on to a better future path. One that feels more comfortable.

Hope it is the beginning of change for you. :) thanks for sharing your journey. You are very brave in making yourself that vulnerable. I respect that.
 
KT, I don't really know what to say other than I hope you find inner strength and happiness in all of this.

RP, I really feel for what you're going through. I am working hard at owning my part and not feeling guilty. I would like to encourage and nurture whatever new connections form between you and Nerdist and between me and Nerdist. I have a lot of respect for both how this might be scary for you - and how well you are handling the sparks flying between Nerdist and me. You have good taste. ;)

LR, I love that you read self help books. LOL!
 
I'm back and Ready to Talk

Hey there everyone. Sorry to make you worry. If you are willing to bear with me this will be a long post full of explanations and updates.

The week has been good. I had so many break throughs as you all well know. I am still very strong in those findings. Nothing has changed there. We were doing so well that we thought the three of us should get together on Friday night for one of our meet ups.
To start Friday during the day there were tensions between J and DH. But that is none of my business. I don't know what that was about. I just always tell them that before the three of us have one of our nights where we hang out and cuddle everyone, including them needs to be on good terms to take away from the awkwardness that we are still working on, though it is no where near as awkward as what it use to be.
DH and I had a couple of arguments ourselve before we got there. So basically no one was on very good terms with each other. DH and I had made up but things were still a little tense. He wanted to cancel. I was desparate not to because these nights make me feel included somehow. I have so much trouble feeling like the boring wife still at home while his nights with J are so intense and exciting. But when the three of us are together on our nights I feel like I am accepted by both of them and there is a spot for me in this somewhere. I like feeling exciting and included and not left out.
So I insisted we not cancel, even though I was nervous. I knew if I could just get there and the three of us could relax then the tensions would all die down and everything would be fine.
So we get there and go to her room. We are cuddling and trying to have some fun in the bedroom for a couple of hours. When all of a sudden J gets a text from her husband. He was suppose to be on a camping trip with his scout troup. But apparently he had come home to get something. He was expecting our truck to be there. He knew we were coming over. But we drove our car to save on gas. He thought we weren't there and came in the house. Only to hear us all up in the bedroom, get jealous and leave. He text J that he was there and basically he was jealous and had a problem with it.
He knew we were coming and the purpose we were coming. But the text put the three of us in a frenzy, adding to the tensions and anxieties that were already there.
I was having trouble relaxing before that point because I was reading how distant J and DH were coming across with each other and I felt awkward from the arguments I had had with DH a few hours before.
After the text came we all put on our shoes and sat out on the porch watching the lightening while J made desparate attempts to reach her husband. Trying to figure out what happened and why he was so hurt. By the end of all of this DH and I had to go home with no success of fixing J and her husband. J later text DH that she had to call it quits with him. She couldn't keep hurting her husband. They had tried to talk things out and work through their problems and they thought it had worked. The text proved he really couldn't handle it.
DH was in a huff the rest of the night. He was very cold and distant with me. H made abrupt comments and wanted nothing to do with me. It felt like he blamed me for not listening and insisting on going over in the beginning when he wanted to cancel. He was hurt from suddenly losing J and trying to understand her husband's point of view. He was very twisted with emotions.
J was upset from losing DH, hurting her husband and feeling like she would need to live a double standard life where her husband would be poly and she wouldn't, despite how she felt.
I felt responsible for the whole thing because I agreed that if I had just listened to people in the first place and not insisted on ignoring the tensions and not cancelling we could have avoided the awkwardness that was there the whole time anyway which made the situation with J's husband even worse. For me I don't like to hurt people and I was apart of seeing J's marriage fall apart, or so what we thought was it falling apart. I was beating myself up and crashing from knowing I had hurt someone so much. I can't stand hurting people. That is why I am able to be the mono. I can take the hurt myself. I can deal with that. But I was watching J and DH crumble in pain and J's husband and I couldn't take it away and if I had just not been selfish about trying to feel included then none of this would have ever happend.
DH sent up walls all over the place - from me, from J. He wasn't letting anyone in. He had been hurt by this just a couple of weeks before when he thought he was going to loose her. It became easier for him to believe he didn't care even though he was in tears. He told me he expected I would be better off without him as well and it was only a matter of time but not to worry. He would get over it. He didn't need anyone sticking around for him. That sent up walls for me that he was planning on leaving himself.

The story continued Saturday. J and I texted all day. By the end she was begging for us to come back over. She had been talking to her husband. Even drove out to the scout camp to work things out. It took some convincing. DH didn't want to go. He just wanted to forget the pain and go out and work in the yard for hours. But I was hurting too. J was doing very well and that I found surprising. But we went. We all talked. DH text her husband a little bit. There were apologies and explanations. Her husband didn't want this to end. He felt like there had been things not explained to him.
J talked to DH about not ending things after all. We spent the rest of the night cuddling and talking things out some more and trying to make each other feel better. J and I are doing fine. I am still very worried about DH though. Some walls are down but there are plenty still up. He is bracing for the next down fall. Waiting for the next time J or her husband get upset. Waiting for J to tell him that things have ended or that she is unhappy with him. He is blocking the dramatics from all of us, not just them in his head. I feel for him because I know his heart has been sent on a rollercoaster the past couple of weeks. I know he just needs to be shown over time that no one is going to freak out on him again and I think everyone just relaxing around him is the only way to do it. Slowly he might start trusting the people around him again.
I just feel bad because I tried to be there for him and all he saw was me leaving him. If I was going to leave, I have had plenty of reasons and opportunities before now to do so. But I am here for the long haul. He knows that J needs to take care of her marriage first and I know he wasn't trying to take it out on me. I was an easy target for his hurt. And after a few days he would have been better with J and seen more clearly that this was to save her marriage.
No one is getting divorced today. I know I jumped a gun here. But that night was horrible. There were tears and hurt and angry husbands. I thought J and I would not be able to continue being friends. I thought her husband was hurt by something I insisted on happening. I thought my husband hated me for not letting him cancel and being a loud mouth in the bedroom. It was my voice he heard through the door. He thought it was J's and that she was having more fun and being happier with us than with him. But it was me he was hearing. And that upset him. I felt mortified knowing that. I slept maybe an hour Friday night. Cried all day Saturday. Am feeling better today but on edge with DH. It is hard to see him like this. He is still hurt and stand offish. I just hope that between J and I we can show him how much he is loved and cared about and know that if he can be patient and give us time he will be comfortable again.
When they were holding each other on Friday night trying to reach her husband I was fine. I really was. This was huge for J and he was desparately trying to comfort her and I only wish there had been room on the outside porch chair for me as well. But since there was only room for two the right people were on that bench. I was great with that. I was great with their cuddling on Saturday. They needed to show each other that things were good again. At least that she was trying to show him. He will need some time of seeing that. He is just guarded so that he doesn't crash again.

I am sorry for the worries and concerns. This has been a very trying weekend. Time will hopefully be on our side as we continue to work through the insecurities and understandings. For now I am still here. J is still reading and is welcome to post any time. She knows that. DH will probably never be on here. It's not his thing. Thank you for all of your posts and support.
I am very worried about all of them, even her husband. I just hope we will continue to be well. Thank you again.
 
Glad to see you came back!

I'm sorry to hear everything you all have been going through this weekend! Give it time - things will work themself out! If your husband is anything like mine - he'll get angry, moody, quiet, then a few days later he'll be fine. Men normally need some time to work it out mentally. For us women, we get angry, cry, pout, cry, pout some more, eat, cry, pout, eat, cry, shop - then we're ok.;)

Hang in there sweetie - this was just a bump in the road.

Call or PM me if you need to!

Kat
 
Another Night

Hey everyone,
So this is the night this week that DH is going over to J's. I don't know if he will be going over another night. J's husband has asked that there be no more than two nights a week. Which has never been a problem.
I am off to a church dinner tonight. And since I am the cook I will be plenty busy. I haven't cried or teared up. I have hesitated at many points during the day trying not to concentrate on it. It is still very nerve wracking. I don't know if that will ever go away.
I am really curious how things will go since this past weekend after everything blew up and got out of control. DH and I had a great night last night. We had a very intimate sexual night that definitely kept a smile on my face today. Hopefully we will have the same tomorrow night.
My daughter also has a bit of a congestion problem tonight. Not that I am glad but it is also another distraction. I will be busy making sure she doesn't get a fever. So between that and church I should be plenty busy.
These are the harder nights although they aren't as hard as what they use to be. I haven't cringed yet tonight. I haven't even choked up like I did last week. I am just trying not to linger on it. I am in a very good mood actually. Just doing what I can to stay there and putting all my efforts into controlling my imagination and the bad things it can do.
If I can keep my thoughts in check then when he gets home tonight we can have a successful gush time. I can have a good gush time with her tomorrow as well. Those have become important to me just as much as his.
I am typing this now instead of later when he is actually there. I don't know if I will be on later this time. I have lined up a busy night for myself. But if I am then I will talk to you all then!
 
Look at this, I made it back on tonight. Maybe it is from the stress of the past weekend but I am waivering a little tonight. But I just keep reminding myself he does love me. He is coming home to me. I am enough. There is nothing wrong with me. He hasn't lied to me or hidden tonight from me. He and J have been nothing but open with me. I wanted to just chat with him in general tonight by text before he went over. But he was busy and I never got more than a couple of words out of him. I was missing him alot today. It feels sometimes that my time with him gets shorter and shorter. He has now picked up a kickboxing class to deal with his stress. I am totally supportive of this. Gets his hormones going a little bit actually. :p
I found the choking up moment on my way home from the church dinner. I was so busy in the kitchen I wasn't able to focus on it that much. Which was really what I needed. The mental images are threatening to push themselves to the front of my mind and I am fighting them off very hard tonight. The days will pass again. And I will get stronger again. It just scares me sometimes how much he really does care about her and whenever something like this past weekend happens it is clearly brought to the surface. But I am still strong. I am still happy with him and I am still happy with J. I just still have my hard nights. Not every night they are together will be easy. But I will make it through this night. I might not make it with a couple of tears. But when he comes home he will hold me. And then we will drift off to sleep together.
I can do this.
 
I am so sorry you are hurting, you have been such a great support for me this weekend, I didn't really stop and think about how hard that may be for you. You most definitaly can do this, you already are. Hang in there.
 
{{{{hugs}}}} to you ak!

Knowing that 2rings is coming home to me, getting into bed with me, holding me, falling asleep with me and waking up with me in the morning is also what helps me get through those hard times when he is out having a great time with MG. Both of our husbands know that their home is with us. :)

Glad you made it through!

Kat
 
I'm getting worried about J. She has been quiet today. I hope she is doing ok. I think she might be getting annoyed with me checking up on her and not believing she is fine. But I have learned to read her rather well and I know something is wrong. I don't know what or with who. I stepped back to give her some space this morning. She had a night with DH last night so I worry this is from a strain in her marriage and will probably get annoyed even more about this post. But I am really worried. Just trying to be there for her...if she will let me.:confused:
 
ak - I know you are worried about her, but maybe she just needs some time to be alone and to work through her problems/thoughts/worries/feelings by herself, before sharing them with you or your DH. This whole thing that happened last weekend was probably just too much stress for her to deal with and her and her DH may be working through some issues related to that. You have reached out to her today, and that is really all you can do right now. I am sure that she knows she can come to you anytime she is ready to talk. When she is ready, she will. And when she does, you will be there for her.

You guys are lucky to have each other to lean on when you need help. Give her time.

Kat
 
A Step Ladder

So this past weekend of I fell to what felt the very bottom of this ladder that I am climbing in understanding, accepting and being ok with everything that is happening in my life. It was crazy and heart wrenching. And now I am slowly trying to climb back up. I was pretty banged up and bruised when I hit the ground so hard. But the bruises are healing nicely and I think with a little patience and time I can make it back to the step I was on.

I feel like I am walking on egg shells with everyone this week. So worried that I am going to hurt or offend someone. I working really hard at not being pushy and overbearing. I am trying to give space where I feel it might be needed, even if the person doesn't say he or she wants it.
I am really treading the water carefully with J's husband. I don't want to hurt him anymore than he already is. I don't want to go through another round of feeling like I caused pain and destruction from my impatience and ridiculous and uncalled for determination to move forward faster than need be.

I don't think I am quite to that step yet. I know I am not as far down as I was when this whole thing began. I have felt weak and cautious the last couple of days. I am feeling rather stronger today, just concerned about J and her husband.


Talked to DH a little bit more last night. I have great concerns over the whole past cheating thing. And I felt guilty about asking these questions but I really wanted to hear from his mouth what he had to say. I asked what I felt to be two very important questions:

1.) If anything ever happens to J and him and they don't work out, or if another woman enters the picture, where does that leave him and me. If something happens to them, does he go back to his looking for random women to hook up with? Does he keep talking to me and let me know what is going on?
His answer: If anything ever happened to him and J, its not that he would be actively looking for someone. He can't tell me now if he would start swinging again. If he did find another relationship he doesn't see it being as serious as his with J because things are pretty serious between them. He just can't see being that way with another woman and me again. It would be a casual thing. Not to say it can't happen. And he said that he would indeed let me know before anything became bigger than just sex. He would let me know before he went over and even had sex or did anything to the liking. I think my favorite part was where he said that this whole thing that happened with J helped him learn to be honest with me and accept who we both are and he just can't risk going back to lying to me. His relationship with J has helped him learn to be totally open and honest with me.

2.) Has there ever been a time when J has tried, implied or suggested in any way shape or form that he leave me for her. I love J all the more for his answers here. He told me she has never ever come close to doing that. Even in any off hand comments that they have had in their pillow talk conversations, it was never a threat or a worry. They were just that, pillow talk and random thoughts said out loud. He said that they had talked about how if both me and her husband did not exist would they be compatible outside this relationship they had built. Where it was just the two of them outside the bedroom, in the open. And DH admitted that he believed that they could have gone on and lived a life together just the two of them. But we do exist and we are apart of it and neither of them would have it any other way. He loves me and she loves her husband indescribably. And I know he was telling me the truth. Yes they love each other, but this life is what we love. This life is what works for all of us, even if it does get hard. And J would never and has never tried to change that and neither has he. That is why he loves her the way he does because she isn't the others. They never stood a chance because they had asked that of him and she didn't.

So that is my latest thoughts. Hope all is well with everyone. Sorry if I seem out of it. I have been in timid quiet mode since about Monday. Hard to bring myself out of it. :)
 
An end and a Beginning

Hello my readers, how about a new twist in my story.

J and DH have broken up officially. J's husband just could not accept this relationship. So while he didn't ask for her to do this, for the sake of her marriage she did. I respect her decision and and continue to be amazed and admire her strength. To let such an important relationship in her life go to save her marriage is one of the most incredible things a person can do. I feel for her and wish I could take away her pain. But for now all I can do is continue to be there for her and hold her in any way she will allow me to. I know this was one of the hardest things in her life to do.

As for DH the first couple of days were hard. He concentrated intensely on not taking it out on me but instead spending time with our daughter. The first night he was very distant and just wanted to go out and drink the night away. He didn't. He rolled over and made himself go to sleep. He woke up the next morning with a new determination it seemed to show me he still loved me and wasn't giving up on our marriage either. We talked on and off through the day about anything he might be feeling. I could tell he just wanted to pretend that none of it mattered, that he wasn't hurt. I let him do this so that he could just enjoy the weekend before going back to work and facing the awkwardness. He did want to say mean things about the situation to get the hurt out but I tried to get him to refocus his thoughts and remind him why she had to do this. He would very quickly retract any negative comments and agree that I was right.

DH and I also talked about what this meant for us in the future. We talked about if the situation was reverse and I couldn't handle it. He admitted that considering his past he would not have been able to do what J is doing. He probably would have lied about ending it and kept going. If not with her, then continued searching for other people Because that is who he is.
He said that he won't be looking for a new relationship but it will probably happen eventually. For now he will probably just swing for awhile and see where that goes. I never really am going to be great with this life. But I would rather he be open with me about it and admit he is going to do this than to have him continue lying to me about it.

I will continue to post. This is not the end of my journey into the polyamouros lifestyle as clearly noted. He likes living like this. And while he knows I hurt, I do this for him. I accept him for who he is. And I would only leave him under the circumstance that he has lied to me about it. That is all I have asked is that he not lie. My only big problem right now is that I am going to be on edge that the lying may happen again now that he is swinging again. But while I am going to be second guessing his every move I still have to find a way to remain sane and calm. Thank you everyone. I will post again soon and continue to post on other peoples threads.

Thank you again.
 
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Folks,

This is a long road we have ahead of us. As I have been texting J back and forth today I started admitting stuff to her I didn't realize myself. I never realized how much I don't trust my own husband. That is horrible I know. But I was admitting to her that I trust her more than I do him. Considering the circumstances I guess it is believable.

I don't know why I am doing so well with all of this. I am not twisted with horrible pain. Maybe God is playing a role here to keep me relaxed and calm because He knows there are people right now who need a steady hand and I am it. DH isn't really talking, just playing it off like he is fine. I don't think he realizes how much I can read through him. Or maybe he does and is choosing to ignore it.

J is keeping an open line of communication which is wonderful. I think underneath it all DH is glad I can play the in between so that he can have his space to get over all of this. I know that once we get through the first week any thing he might think he holds against her will be gone. He knows why this had to happen and he doesn't blame anyone. He has even said many times that her husband did better than he ever would. DH wouldn't have made it past the first day.

I have said today that I would never ask DH to change his life or who he is. I just wish I had the comfort of his honesty to back me up and I don't. I am still working very hard at not resenting him for all the years of lying and betrayal. He had a couple of bouts of lying after everything came out. About where he was and what he was doing and the only reason I stuck around is because I felt equally dishonest for how I went about finding out what he was up to. I only trust him about 90% of the time and I know that is horrible

This will be another test of trusting him. I am constantly questioning everything he does and I know that wears thin but I have to. He is very careful about using his text anymore so I won't read anything I shouldn't. That leaves his websites and emails. Which irks my suspicions. But I have to trust that he isn't hiding from me because unfortunately I haven't figured out how to hack into those yet. :pI am horrible I know.

How do you trust each other after going through things like this. I do trust J. I don't trust DH. And I hate that but that is where I am with all of this. I just hope that I can continue being there for the people I care about. I am so calm right now I can't believe it. I don't know how or why. It almost seems wrong and unfair but I am glad so that I can keep a logical and rational head about me.
 
Unfortunately, trust lost takes a lot of time to rebuild. Just when you think you've put it past you something comes up to remind you that there's still more work to do. Hang in there! It sucks now but as long as you both work hard it can be overcome and you can find comfort in him again. I wish you the best!
 
J and DH were able to talk on the phone and through text yesterday. They both needed it. And my husband was positively glowing after being able to talk to her. He has been horrible at hiding himself the last few days. Well to anyone else I doubt they would have thought differently. But I could see plain as day he was pretending to best of his abilities to hide what he was really going through.

Yesterday he finally made one simple statement that showed me there was a crack in the walls he had put up. He simply said he was having some moments of missing her. Which said to me he was missing her terribly and didn't feel up to hiding it from me. So I encouraged him to check on her by text. Not to go against her husband's wishes but to make sure they could eventually get back to being friends. To have some kind of connection so they don't have a complete loss of each other.

They managed to talk off and on all day. Which I was fine. As I have said before, I will never be perfect with this life. But if I can find some joy in watching my husband be happy, even if its because he is reuniting with someone who is not me, then it is all worth it and I can handle anything.

I felt really good being able to give them their space to talk things out and have some time together again. I even told them both that I am not going to worry about asking them to stop texting or talking after ten. At least for awhile. They have such limited time to talk now between work and J's husband that I wanted to make sure that I didn't add the pressure of me as well. I am a fix it person. And if I can't fix something then by golly I am going to do all I can to come as close as possible and do something to help in some way. Besides, I know if I really need some attention or need my husband all I have to do is ask.

And this is what he needs right now. He was on cloud 9 last night when he got off the phone with her. They don't have a sexual relationship now but they can at least hold onto a close friendship.
 
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