A Step Ladder
So this past weekend of I fell to what felt the very bottom of this ladder that I am climbing in understanding, accepting and being ok with everything that is happening in my life. It was crazy and heart wrenching. And now I am slowly trying to climb back up. I was pretty banged up and bruised when I hit the ground so hard. But the bruises are healing nicely and I think with a little patience and time I can make it back to the step I was on.
I feel like I am walking on egg shells with everyone this week. So worried that I am going to hurt or offend someone. I working really hard at not being pushy and overbearing. I am trying to give space where I feel it might be needed, even if the person doesn't say he or she wants it.
I am really treading the water carefully with J's husband. I don't want to hurt him anymore than he already is. I don't want to go through another round of feeling like I caused pain and destruction from my impatience and ridiculous and uncalled for determination to move forward faster than need be.
I don't think I am quite to that step yet. I know I am not as far down as I was when this whole thing began. I have felt weak and cautious the last couple of days. I am feeling rather stronger today, just concerned about J and her husband.
Talked to DH a little bit more last night. I have great concerns over the whole past cheating thing. And I felt guilty about asking these questions but I really wanted to hear from his mouth what he had to say. I asked what I felt to be two very important questions:
1.) If anything ever happens to J and him and they don't work out, or if another woman enters the picture, where does that leave him and me. If something happens to them, does he go back to his looking for random women to hook up with? Does he keep talking to me and let me know what is going on?
His answer: If anything ever happened to him and J, its not that he would be actively looking for someone. He can't tell me now if he would start swinging again. If he did find another relationship he doesn't see it being as serious as his with J because things are pretty serious between them. He just can't see being that way with another woman and me again. It would be a casual thing. Not to say it can't happen. And he said that he would indeed let me know before anything became bigger than just sex. He would let me know before he went over and even had sex or did anything to the liking. I think my favorite part was where he said that this whole thing that happened with J helped him learn to be honest with me and accept who we both are and he just can't risk going back to lying to me. His relationship with J has helped him learn to be totally open and honest with me.
2.) Has there ever been a time when J has tried, implied or suggested in any way shape or form that he leave me for her. I love J all the more for his answers here. He told me she has never ever come close to doing that. Even in any off hand comments that they have had in their pillow talk conversations, it was never a threat or a worry. They were just that, pillow talk and random thoughts said out loud. He said that they had talked about how if both me and her husband did not exist would they be compatible outside this relationship they had built. Where it was just the two of them outside the bedroom, in the open. And DH admitted that he believed that they could have gone on and lived a life together just the two of them. But we do exist and we are apart of it and neither of them would have it any other way. He loves me and she loves her husband indescribably. And I know he was telling me the truth. Yes they love each other, but this life is what we love. This life is what works for all of us, even if it does get hard. And J would never and has never tried to change that and neither has he. That is why he loves her the way he does because she isn't the others. They never stood a chance because they had asked that of him and she didn't.
So that is my latest thoughts. Hope all is well with everyone. Sorry if I seem out of it. I have been in timid quiet mode since about Monday. Hard to bring myself out of it.