sexual dysfunction with new partners

I really appreciate your discussion of Asperger's and the way it manifests for you. I'm fairly certain one of my boyfriends is more than a little on that spectrum and it helped me understand more.

I'm very impressed with your willingness to look at this and explore it and share it here. Your insight is pretty awesome.
 
BTW if anyone is interested, I did get some Viagra, but we actually never ended up using it. We kept doing "other" things, and after about three months, we finally had vaginal sex. :D I guess it takes me some time. Still no effing orgasm, though. :mad:
 
Are we from a different generation? I met each of them on OKC, wherein they all answered the match questions saying that they expect it would take one to two dates to be sexually intimate with someone they really like.

Also, I spent fifteen hours over a week with the one I'm super into before we went to bed. You really don't think that's enough?

Ha bloody ha! I'm about your age and I take a looooong time to be comfortable. Most of the guys' profiles I see are all "1-2 dates" and "first date? No problem" and I'm thinking I'll never find another partner. Ever. So I guess we're both anachronisms.
 
Ha bloody ha! I'm about your age and I take a looooong time to be comfortable. Most of the guys' profiles I see are all "1-2 dates" and "first date? No problem" and I'm thinking I'll never find another partner. Ever. So I guess we're both anachronisms.

I guess. The "other" things included her fucking me in the ass with a strap-on, so I don't know how anachronistic we are...
 
A little late in joining the discussion but I had similar dysfunction problems earlier with new partners.

In my case the explanation was a bit different: too much porn.

As there was a long period of time when there were very little opportunities for sex with my wife, I solved the problem by watching porn almost every night, and my brain slowly got used to the 'overload' of sensory input.

It didn't really cause any problems with my wife, as she knew me well enough to 'push my buttons' and there was no reason to be nervous with her. But the next time I was with another person I had problems performing. Any kind of distraction, like me having trouble opening the condom wrapper, could cause my erection to disappear. As normally I can go on and on this felt really weird for me.

Or, if I did maintain an erection, I had problems having an orgasm.

At that time, I blamed it on lack of sleep. But eventually I did find out the actual reason. I took a long break from porn and it certainly made a big difference.
 
I took a long break from porn and it certainly made a big difference.

It's possible this is a factor with me. I do watch some "overloading" styles of pornography. Maybe I'll try cutting it out too...

Don't know if I posted the link in this thread before (I know it's been posted elsewhere), but according to the website called Your Brain On Porn, "Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn." They believe it is the cause of many sexual problems for men and advocate a program to stop watching it which will apparently improve sexual functioning, as well as desire. The testimonials on the site certainly seem to validate the idea.

The site is here: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/
 
Thanks for the link, nycindie. It's quite interesting. Reminds me a lot of chapter 21 of Sex at Dawn (Link). I do think my previous strategy for battling "monotomy" was "#2: porn and Prozac" (or Wellbutrin in my case, to clarify that drug side effects are not at play here.)

However, I think that if porn were a primary factor in my erectile dysfunction, I would have difficulty with my wife, as well, and I don't. Nonetheless, I probably should cut it out. Maybe it will be easier now that I can have variety IRL.
 
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Well, only cut out the porn if you feel it's detracting from your relationships. Some people find it enhances certain aspects of sexuality; some just see it as an outlet when there is no convenient warm body (and no impulse to run out and find a one-night stand). It's what you make of it, really. Kinda like alcohol: you can abuse it, or you can just use it responsibly.
 
Thank you all for this amazing thread. I absorbed an incredible amount from the thread and links that turned my understanding of ED with new partners on its head.
 
With some people it just takes time. I always get performance anxiety the first few times with a new partner. It's just something that happens. Eventually it does go away for me, so I don't worry too much about it. I just try to stay away from one-night-stands (which are not really what I'm looking for anyway).
 
I'm considering asking my doctor for a scrip, but I doubt he'd give me one since I'm fine at home.

Gralson has asked a few doctors for viagra scripts, not because he can't get it up, but because he wants to keep it up for marathoning. He's never had any trouble getting it just by request.
 
Well, after a whole lot of soul searching, it turns out I'm transgender. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. :confused:

Well! Congrats at figuring that out! Do you feel your gender ID and body dysphoria have anything to do with the ED issues, or do you mean to start an entirely different topic?
 
Well! Congrats at figuring that out! Do you feel your gender ID and body dysphoria have anything to do with the ED issues, or do you mean to start an entirely different topic?

The former? I could probably fill a book on the other topic, but it seems like there's a better spot for the tachycardia show starring tachycardia. I'm probably going to be hanging at Susan's more than here for a while. Maybe I'll end up back on these boards in the event I decide to transition and want a shot at being in one of the rare marriages that survives the change.

My gender identity is definitely related to the ED. For the most part, I enjoy "vanilla" sex only when I'm focused on pleasing my partner. I don't really like my body being touched. I kind of cringe at it, freeze, and try to hide it. If I'm getting head from my wife, I'm usually projecting myself into her and imagining what it would be like to be her sucking my dick (cf. autogynephilia.) I gather this doesn't work with a new partner since I don't know them well enough. Also, I just have a general dislike for myself, and feel like there's something wrong with me, and like it's going to be found out, and I'll be crushed. Obviously it's difficult to relax and get into it under those circumstances.

However, I'm only aware of my transgender identity at an intellectual level at this point, as the psychological defenses of my "false self" have an epic stranglehold on my emotions. Really feeling my cross-gender identity has occured only in momentary flashes, as though I had peeked my head out of Plato's cave for the first time and retreated to the shadows after being blinded by the sun. So far, I've been clinging to the possibility that I'm not fully transgender, but rather genderqueer, agender, bi-gender, or anti-gender and that the only reason I would consider transition is because being gender non-conforming with a male body is so stigmatized. But those euphoric flashes are associated entirely with the concept of "girl." Just typing that feels good. Girl girl girl girl girl. So, I'm hoping saying "I'M TRANS!" a few times will loosen my stranglehold on my emotions. This thread seemed like as good a place as any to start.
 
Good. I will read if you write more. I am a cisgendered woman who IDs as genderqueer, and my gf is trans (a transwoman).

I've seen first hand how having the wrong genitalia can affect sexual activities.
 
I don't feel like I have the wrong genitalia; I feel like I've had the wrong childhood in the wrong society. I like my dick. Of course, it's clear I'm in denial about a lot of things, so who knows?
 
I don't feel like I have the wrong genitalia; I feel like I've had the wrong childhood in the wrong society. I like my dick. Of course, it's clear I'm in denial about a lot of things, so who knows?

That is so beautifully stated.

Self-knowledge is a great thing. We might not know each other, but I wish you all the best in whatever you decide is best for you.
 
I had a long-distance relationship partner who had this issue. He was fine with his wife, but he was unable to get and sustain an erection with me until after we had spent four weekends together.

He has low testosterone, but he was being treated for that when we met. I suspect that his treatment might have been somehow insufficient during our first few months together. He was basically functional after our fourth weekend together, but he never had what I'd call an active libido. I suspect he has some performance anxiety too and is just more comfortable with his wife.

I would recommend getting your testosterone levels checked. And even if your doctor says you're fine, find out your levels and do some research, since sometimes, what a lab says is within the normal range is not ideal for a particular individual. If you do think you are low, seeing a urologist would be the next step.

If the woman you really like, really cares about you too, she will hang in there while you figure this out. You sound like a very giving lover with a lot to offer. Good luck!
 
I would recommend getting your testosterone levels checked. u do think you are low, seeing a urologist would be the next step.
!

SZ, sometimes it really helps to read to the end of the thread... The OP has realized they are transgendered.
 
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