How do you know?

For the first time in our marriage - there are things he won't tell me, and I'm sad about that.

I had a shower with him - and as I got out I turned and said something.. and he stopped the conversation - because of something he was asked not to share with me. It made me sad that he has to watch what he says with me now :(

I understand the need, the right of other people to their privacy. I get it.

We've always had a 'don't ask me to keep a secret from my spouse' relationship. And that's changed. And it makes me sad :(

The balance is hard - how do you balance out one person's right to privacy with an established communication pattern?
 
The balance is hard - how do you balance out one person's right to privacy with an established communication pattern?

thats tough and has to be learned. It might be easier to think that its not something he is keeping from you, but something he is holding to himself that is private between the them.

And no, I don't know what it would be. But its something I have realized this last week. There are things our metamours deserve to have to themselves in private. Period. The reason I believe that, is because I guess i hope, in a fully communicative poly relationship there are things that I have with my new partners that are personal and intimate. :)...
 
The balance is hard - how do you balance out one person's right to privacy with an established communication pattern?

My hubby and I JUST had this conversation tonight!! THERE ARE NO SECRETS! We agreed. He is going to tell C that this is just the way it is. Transparent. I realllllly realllllly think ~ and hope ~ that it is the way to avoid the drama.

Don't you??
P2
 
My hubby and I JUST had this conversation tonight!! THERE ARE NO SECRETS! We agreed. He is going to tell C that this is just the way it is. Transparent. I realllllly realllllly think ~ and hope ~ that it is the way to avoid the drama.

Don't you??
P2

hmmmm you are looking at a tough balance. Where does something become intimate and personal. I expect my partner to know what I NEED to know. I tell her what I want to know. But I know there are things that they own to themselves.

This is an internal debate with me. Now that I have things I enjoy that might be personal with my new partner, there is a level of trust needed to make a relationship work.

Full transparent disclosure...removes somethign intimate I think.

Still thinking on it myself. This is an interesting topic. I am all over full communication, but that is VERY different than full disclosure.
 
I believe that every relationship has a right to intimate privacy. As an example, if I wanted to know something about Redpepper and Polynerdist's sex than it is up to both of them if that information is shared. It belongs to them.

But I don't believe this is an issue unless some one has a sense of entitlement to know everything. I do not. Why? Because I do feel a right to have privacy within my relationship with Redpepper and therefore that same expectation is returned.

If my privacy is compromised than it adversely affects my trust which directly impacts the depth of my love.
 
I know that I've gotten upset in the past when things about me have been shared that have nothing to do with my husband and his girlfriend. Even if she is going through something similar, my stuff is mine to share, not his. I've asked him that he clear it with me or ask her to talk to me directly if it is my stuff that I own. In the same spirit I don't want him sharing things with me that she has told him in confidence about her that have nothing to do with me. Although if it's something that does affect me then I have said that I need to know those things (ie when "I love you" happens or discussions about changing living arrangements, even if they are just what if conversations).
 
Oh MB, that's got to be hard. I have actually had the reverse issue, namely not talking about my husband's private life when I'm around new people. I like to share everything, so it's been difficult for me to have to look at everything and try to gauge what is mine to share and what belongs to him, or what has joint ownership and can't be shared without permission from both parties.

Perhaps if you think of it as things that belong to her that are not his to share, maybe they won't feel like his secrets that he is keeping from you, but rather that he's protecting her right to privacy, not his.

Look on the bright side, it seems like he still wants to share all of these important things with you, but he's remembering to respecting those boundaries. Doesn't that make you proud of him?

*hugs*
 
I agree with privacy in relationships. I have tried the transparent route and it lead to hardship, more jealousy and lack of specialness and made me alter my actions to suite what I had to say afterward.. of course the private route is iffy and needs boundaries. It can lead to a bigger blast of NRE too. Keeping those little thrills secret means they develop a life of their own and start changing stuff in other relationships. I have had to fess up a couple of times to why I want to change things up with a partner because of another partner and my private stuff... tricky.
 
How do you know what level of information about partners is ok to share with other partners? I know that you should talk about it, that's a given. I'm talking about instances where in the moment something comes up and you don't have the oppertunity to ask if it's ok to share that information.
 
For me, if the information directly affects me or my family, then it is in that "need to know" category and should not be kept private.

Anything else.... is *private*

And I say that with *'s around because unless there's a "I really would like you to keep this between us" said, then part of the ebb and flow of conversation means that tidbits between relationships will be shared - not out of a malicious intent or need to be totally open - but just because that's how conversations (between my husbandj/my friends/family and myself) work.

Anything that is told to me under the "It's just between you and me" heading - stays with me.
 
Is this different in poly than in "real life"...I can usually tell when something is said in confidence vs public information. So I tend to keep it to myself. Also if there is any doubt if it is public vs private, I default to private unless told otherwise.
 
Full transparent disclosure...removes somethign intimate I think.

Still thinking on it myself. This is an interesting topic. I am all over full communication, but that is VERY different than full disclosure.

I suppose "Full" disclosure could be a bit much, YET I think that it is important for C to realize that there is a bond of trust between my hubby and myself far BIGGER than she will ever be able to realize. So, when she asks him for coffee or over to her place etc., the reality is that he will tell me. AND I think it is important for her to know that he will tell me, because ultimately that will either build bridges or barriers to OUR level of trust.

Do you know what I mean?

It seems that there are not too many 'quasi' triads on the board....and I imagine that is because they are so tricky to navigate, and ultimately fail.

It is a very surreal experience to be BFFs one minute, baking cakes together, and all in bed together the next. It is sort of like switching a light on and off.

My other girlfriends in my life have established a level of trust that is rich and deep....over many years. For C, due to the circumstances, I am not sure if we will ever get there. It's sort of sad but I am taking it in stride (trying) and reciting, 'it is what it is'....a very FUN loving relationship that for the most part makes me feel good, and at other times, drives me insane!! :eek:

P2
 
I think it depends on two things ... Trust and intent.

For example, my anxiety and depression at times cause a large amount of strain on Indigo and our relationship. If he has a partner who can help with this, then that is a good thing.

That said, it's all in how Indigo presents the issue. If he vents to a third party about me with no intention of seeking advice, that could be hurtful. I say could, because he has every right to vent. But would I feel good about him venting to anyone he hasn't known very long, regardless of whether they're a friend or a love interest? Absolutely not. It would be a betrayal to me. If he needed to vent to someone he has been close to for longer, or someone I trust, well that is entirely different.

If talking is for constructive purposes, then I give him free reign. I trust him not to paint me in an evil light, and really do welcome input that could potentially help our relationship!

Our loves should be our friends. I think it's important for everyone to realize that sometimes we all need to lean on a friend for support, potentially in areas that might not be any of their "business". I trust Indigo to lean on the right people. :)
 
I suppose "Full" disclosure could be a bit much, YET I think that it is important for C to realize that there is a bond of trust between my hubby and myself far BIGGER than she will ever be able to realize. So, when she asks him for coffee or over to her place etc., the reality is that he will tell me. AND I think it is important for her to know that he will tell me, because ultimately that will either build bridges or barriers to OUR level of trust.

Do you know what I mean?

I do, but thats ENTIRELY different than said girlfriend going on a date with someone else, telling your hubby some details that apply to them only and you requesting to know all the details of THAT conversation or set of actions.

Thats just an example of what I am referring to.

Now in your case, what if he and the gf did something private and intimate. I don't know the workings of your relationship. But does he disclose everything? I would find that to restrictive as a third.

I don't put pressure on what can and can't be said. But I think I assume there are intimacies about the relationship that my gf and I own to ourselves. Pengrah and W have things they have to themselves (in regards to what I know). I like it that way.

Obviously its not for everyone, just giving my personal examples :D
 
A couple of thoughts,....

- I think disclosure and privacy, is very relationship and person specific. While some people can easily get along with metamours and like them as a person, others can`t. Others don`t trust their partners, other partners. Wether thats a true dishonesty they feel, or just people not seeing eye to eye, this can alter the need for full disclosure.

- The other thing is that disclosure and privacy can ebb and flow. During insecure times, a partner may want to know more then normal about their loves other partners. When things find balance again, the need to grill and drill should wane a bit in a healthy relationship.

- Pollypocket,... I can understand that you want her to see that there are no secrets between your husband and yourself. But if your trust is far bigger then she can ever realize, it`ll be moot trying to show her . She might end up dismissing it, which would be counter-productive. Sometimes we need to get down on our knees, reach people at a level they understand, and help them rise up to a higher level. Just food for thought there. :)


I believe fully in my right to some privacy. As everyone has stated it`s tricky knowing when to disclose something, and when to keep it private. I always hope and count on the fact that a combo of efforts will direct me. How I feel emotionally about the issue. How I see others reacting, and the last tidbit, ...forecasting the benefits of any such information.

I wont be able to do this perfectly, but it helps.
 
A couple of thoughts,....

- Pollypocket,... I can understand that you want her to see that there are no secrets between your husband and yourself. But if your trust is far bigger then she can ever realize, it`ll be moot trying to show her . She might end up dismissing it, which would be counter-productive. Sometimes we need to get down on our knees, reach people at a level they understand, and help them rise up to a higher level. Just food for thought there. :)

Not quite sure what you mean, Superjast.

Hubby is going to tell C, that we disclose almost everything to each other. She has seen this so it shouldn't come as a big surprise. I honestly think that she has never had this level of trust with ANYone in her life, so it is quite a foreign concept. Maybe I do try to teach too much. Who knows?

After a luscious weekend, she contacted hubby yesterday and asked to meet for coffee....the weird thing is, I would have been fine with it, but Hubby said to her, "everything is going so well now, why would we want to mess it up by a secret meeting". Now, bare in mind, that we are a 'quasi triad' which seems to be rather unique and has different rules than him just meeting her and me meeting someone else....although, I still think that the BEST way to avert heartache is by telling the truth and having a plan. Like, "hey, C wants to have a coffee with me this morning, do you mind?" Or better yet, "C wants to meet me for a coffee tomorrow, do you mind?"

It sounds a little 'controlish' but I think, as the wife that has opened her heart and home to a third, I can be okay with that. Right? :cool:

P2
 
I think information is for sharing... not necessarily with names attached but for understanding and getting support.

I'm not sure what kind of info you are talking about so this might not be valid, but I will bring it up anyways, in case it is valid.

I think that there needs to be a word for talking about others with the understanding that it is to understand them better and to know how to support them. "Gossip" is not the word for me. I talk about people all the time in the spirit of loving them and trying to understand where I fit with them, how I can be there for them and when I should just back away. I would hope that others do the same with me.

"Gossip" is negative talk to defame a person as far as my definition goes. This is not what I do, unless I need to have a good vent before getting to the root of what I am going off for and then sorting it out so I can reach a place of understanding and empathy... reach a place where I can move forward. Gossiping doesn't move anyone forward, it shackles people and that is just plan unfair and hurtful to me.

I think that all too often in our culture we are made to think that keeping our mouths shut about hard stuff is the way to go. I disagree. Its the hard stuff that is what NEEDS to be talked about.

Sure, it's uncomfortable to talk about, and sometimes the timing is off which makes it awkward or we feel bad about talking behind someones back, or we just think that in telling another we are betraying trust... if it's to sort something out for ourselves then should we not talk about it? Isn't that what open and honest communication is about?

I would feel far more respected if I knew people were talking about me behind my back in the spirit of understanding me and getting to know me. I love that! I would feel offended, betrayed, disrespected and overwhelmed with my vulnerability if I knew someone was gossiping about me in accordance to my definition of the word.
 
I think that there needs to be a word for talking about others with the understanding that it is to understand them better and to know how to support them. .

I think disclosing this desire and habit of talking about others would be an important part of building new friendships. Some people may not want thier information shared and therefore may chose not to invest deeply if they think what is shared with you will be passed on to others without consent.

Not using names is only effective in very large communities. In smaller circles people can logically figure out who you are talking to. And again, this would not be fiar to a person who expects privacy.
 
I think disclosing this desire and habit of talking about others would be an important part of building new friendships. Some people may not want thier information shared and therefore may chose not to invest deeply if they think what is shared with you will be passed on to others without consent.

Not using names is only effective in very large communities. In smaller circles people can logically figure out who you are talking to. And again, this would not be fiar to a person who expects privacy.

Fair enough, but I don't tend to make someone obvious by talking to people who know the person I am talking about unless I think that they have info that could be helpful and have that persons best interest at heart also. It really depends on the nature of the concerns. There are definitely concessions..
 
Sean has told me he has no secrets from me, and no secrets from Rag. I can repeat everything I want. It doesn't mean I say everything, sometimes it's just not relevant.
I was actually worried about that when talking to a girl friend. We tend to share everything, and I wasn't sure how comfortable Sean was with that. I asked him and he said "it's girl talk, tell her whatever you want", and he did mean including details about our sex life, personal stuff about him, etc.

I don't hide things from either Rag or Sean, but I guess I wouldn't want them to repeat them to everyone. But I'm in a relationship of not keeping secrets with either. Now if either one had a secret, I wouldn't share it with the other without their consent. But I tend to like the idea that I don't have to hide things from them. Doesn't mean I have to say everything either, of course.
 
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