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Old 10-01-2013, 07:00 PM
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Murasaki Murasaki is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 72

Originally Posted by london View Post
I would find it very rude if someone I was going on a date with was more interested in accommodating their wife's needs than thinking about what I might need for the date to have a chance at success.
What exactly are you referring to here? What do you think I have said that invalidates the needs of a possibly date?

Anyone I accept a date invite from, or ask out on a date will know that I am poly, married with a kid. Depending on where, and how we met they will likely also know quite a few other important things about me and my lifestyle as well.

Perhaps you are saying that the needs of my SO means that my attention will not be on our date? Like spending our time together texting my partners, kids, ect? What do you NEED for a first date to have a chance to be successful?
Your needs for a first date to be successful may not match what I need for a first date to be successful. That is really not the question here though. The question is how will your First date, and the potential you see with this person affect your network?

Originally Posted by london View Post
Again, just because you haven't formalised any sort of relationship agreement or commitment to someone that you are interacting with, it doesn't mean that their opinions get to be dismissed, or deemed less important than those of your partner.
I do not take the opinions of people I have no relationship with as anything all that important to me. If I did I would be much more offended by some posts on these forums then I am, and by your explanation confused whose opinion I should consider, there are so many differences of opinion on every topic within this forum. (I can say the same thing about the opinions of people I work with) I interact with and have a relationship with many posters to this forum. Their opinions I may or I may not be taken into consideration.

When it comes to meeting someone, for a date, social gathering. My own opinion/decision comes first. As someone else pointed out you are your own primary.

Originally Posted by london View Post
You can easily replace primary with "relationship that has existed the longest". Because that is what you are asking, isn't it? You are creating this dichotomy between meeting the needs of your existing partner and meeting the needs of potential/new partners.
This feels like an assumption being made. I suppose it was wishful thinking on my part to believe that my polystyle would not be called into question versus the topic actually getting discussed.

If you must know, my “primary” partner (per your description) whose needs, wants, opinions come before any other partner is my child Momoiroi. You will see that most often I use my relationship with Momoiroi as an example, not my relationship with my long term partner Kuroi.

I use the term primary to mean simply any SO with whom I have a lot of obligations and shared responsibilities.
I have responsibilities to the people who are already apart of my partnership(s), I do not have the same responsibilities to someone I’m just now getting to know. For me once I have discussed the possibility of starting a new partner/love connection with someone new (In my case this happens BEFORE I start looking to date) with my current partners, then I would need to talk to my new potential and see what their expectations are, and if what I have available will fit within their expectations, or if more negotiation needs to be made.
Originally Posted by london View Post
See, what would be logical to me is to discuss what that person would need for that option to be there and then I would consider whether I can meet those needs given the obligations I already have. Discussing how I develop new relationships, ie my polyamory, is something that should be settled between any existing partners already, before there are any potential partners on the scene. So, when I do meet someone else, I think about interacting and bonding with them and not having to console my existing partner(s). I am or should be already meeting their needs. We already know what my obligations and how much time I have to spend with any additional partners. I know that I will need to find someone who doesn't require an amount of time that I am unable to give as well as maintain the relationships and responsibilities I have already. Why will my existing partner's needs suddenly going to drastically change now I have someone else on the scene? If that was a regular occurrence, I'd certainly question whether it was a manipulation technique.
This makes me think that you are LOOKING for an argument. I clearly stated that these discussion happen BEFORE I start looking to date. At least between myself and my romantic partners. I’ll stick to offering the benefit of the doubt, and decide to believe that you skipped over that part unintentionally, or that it got lost in all the text around it.

When I decide that I am ready to date again I will talk to Momoiroi about it. I will ask how Momoiroi feels about, and discuss how my dating other people may affect my relationship, role, rules, responsibilities, and expectation with Momoiroi. For instance, before I put my profile back up on OKC I would let Momoiroi know I’m feeling ready to start dating again. Momoiroi and I would then discuss how this may affect our relationship short term, and long term. Including things like my not driving Momoiroi to School every morning, or picking up every afternoon. I would not spring these changes on Momoiroi without discussing it first.

Yes Momoiroi comes first, and any new person I invite into my life has to deal with that. If they can not, that is their problem. I see it as them losing out, nothing more than that.

A new person needs are not something i will mind reader. When someone new and I decide to meet up they are free to let me know what they are looking for. Most likely that will have been talked about before deciding to meet up.

Originally Posted by london View Post
I think that if there are rules and agreements in the existing relationship that define how and when one interacts with potential partners, then the existing relationship is controlling new relationships. My obligation to my existing partner is to meet the needs that he has of his romantic partner(s). When I stop doing that, I am then being a less than responsible partner. If his needs included controlling the way I interact with new partners regardless of whether I am fulfilling my obligations to him, it would be me and him that have the incompatibility. If my new/potential partner needed me to shirk my ongoing responsibilities in order to create a relationship with them, that would be a sign of our incompatibility. I will not treat someone badly (by dismissing their needs) in order to maintain or build another relationship.
Again this feels like you are looking for an argument. Where have I said that there are “rules and agreements in the existing relationship that define how and when one interacts with potential partners”? What I have been looking for with this thread is an explanation on how your relationship(s) affect each other. Your first post or two were in line with the point of this thread, now you are questioning my poly style, and do not have the information to lodge judgements and accusations on me.

Originally Posted by london View Post
I absolutely agree that both people have to be flexible and acknowledge that their shared partner has obligations to more than one person. I disagree that "solo" poly involves less accommodation of this kind:
I am not a solo poly person, but from what I have seen/read on these forums solo poly people have very few major responsibilities with their partners. There’s usually no shared finances, no shared housing, and no co-parenting with (romantic) partners (ex-spouse aside). You do not have to meet my other partners, family, kids, friend for my relationship with you to affect my relationship(s) with them. Adding new relationships to my life affects my financial status, and the amount of time I have available to spend with the people already apart of my everyday life. This will affect poeple whom I have financial, child care, and home care responsibilities with more then people whom I do not have these responsibilities with.

If your response continue saying that my primary partner (my child) is controlling my other relationship(s) and is therefore manipulative; it is very unlikely that I will respond directly to you again. As continuing that line of conversation shows our incompatibility, and that there is a disconnect between us.
Me - Murasaki - Bi/pan
Kuroi - Straight (LTR 22+ years, married/fwb)
Momoiroi - child of Murasaki & Kuroi

Kimidori - Kuroi's SO

My lovers - Darkness & Mysteriousness (2+ years)
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