Cheating vs. Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

The Wrong Question

This isn't so much about polyamorous vs monogamous relationships, but about closed vs open relationships. A good portion of polyamorous relationships are closed, and some monogamous relationships could be open.

Clearly if two people are just naturally monogamous, but there are no rules in the relationship saying that they have to be, you can't call that abusive or slavery. Presuming that everyone is secretly polyamorous is without statistical evidence. It's quite possible if everyone had open relationships, some would still be monogamous.

So the question should be: Are closed relationships akin to slavery? And are they abusive?

To answer this question we have to look at what a closed relationship is. There are two qualities.

1) A closed relationship demands that one person or a group of people have a right over what another person does with his or her body. If they didn't have that right, if people just had the liberty to do what they wanted with their own bodies, then it would be an open relationship.

Calling this slavery will naturally cause reactionary comments, because the word slavery has such negative connotations. However simply by the fact that you are exerting control over another person's body is akin to slavery, though it's more like wage slavery than the kind of slavery based on physical bondage. Wage slavery is a mutual agreement, which in many cases people can opt out of. You aren't being forced, so much coerced to stay in such an agreement. In the case of wage slavery with the loss of wages, in the case of a closed relationship the loss of a relationship.

Is this abusive? We have to look at the second defining feature of a closed relationship.

2) A closed relationship has to be contrary to some of the urges of someone or everyone in it. If this was not the case, there would be no purpose of having a closed relationship with rules. Such rules would be unnecessary. So this might seem abusive.

However, if we can go back to my previous example, participating in wage slavery is a necessity for many people to survive in our society. Is it abusive? Not as much as starving or living on the street. Things are relative, and in a society like ours, most people have to make pragmatic agreements in order to survive and attain some measure of happiness. Whether they are ideal or not. So wage slavery might be abusive but not as abusive as the alternative, at least for a lot of people.

In our society, people are taught that some jealousy is a right and is acceptable. In fact it is ingrained in people's mind that you should be jealous in certain situations. There are cultural pressures to be jealous. In this sense, while people might have urges to be with people outside of their relationships (whether it is romantic or sexual urges), they would prefer to suppress those urges because they would be horribly jealous if the other person or persons did the same thing.

I.e. since I can't have a relationship in which I can be with whoever I want, but the other person can only be with me. I would prefer a closed relationship in which we can only be with each other. My jealousy outweighs my desire for other people. (This is putting it simply, certainly more noble people would think if they were going to force someone to just be with them, they have responsibility to reciprocate.)

A closed relationship, in this sense, is a preferable -- if not ideal -- compromise for the people or some of the people in it. Is it abusive? Sure, but it's less abusive than the alternative for a lot of people. As our society has trained us to object to non-abusive relationships.

Somebody here mentioned BDSM, and I think it's an apt comparison. In a healthy society, would you get off on bondage and control? Submission and domination? Let alone masochism and sadomasochism? It's very conservative and authoritarian, it goes directly against any kind of libertarian ideal of free mutual support of one another. But we live in a fucked up society. And people's sexual predisposition is often developed at an early age. And if that is how people get off? Is it really a bad thing if everyone agrees?

If agreements are free and fair, and to the benefit of everyone involved, can you condemn it? It might be abusive and yet still a positive agreement for everyone involved. Once again, because the society, in which we live, makes non-abusive relationships impossible.

It's only becomes an unhealthy abusive relationship, if it isn't for the benefit of everyone involved. The most common example of this would be non-jealous people stuck in a closed relationships. In this case, someone is likely being restricted in the closed relationship, but gaining nothing from the fact that the relationship is closed. Because if they don't care what the other person or people in the relationship do, but have romantic and/or sexual urges for other people themselves, then the closed relationship is harming that person on some level. Note I say relationship, they aren't really being abused by the other people necessarily, but the situation.

However, because we live in a society that is so supportive of closed relationships, if a non-jealous polyamorous person can be in a closed relationship without going insane or being perpetually hurt... you can't really say they shouldn't be in a closed relationship. While they might prefer being in an open relationship to a closed one, they might prefer being in a closed relationship rather than being alone -- if you demand open relationships, your options for partners is far more limited. This is once again unhealthy but probably preferable for some, and it is just dickish to harp on them for being enslaved or abused. People can make their own decisions here.

It's like if a person lived in Kansas. Say, in turn, that it is a particularly conservative town in Kansas, and they don't have the means to escape that town. Say this person could only be sexually attracted to people of the same sex, but could be romantically attracted to people of the opposite sex. Would you judge them if they chose to be in a straight relationship?

We have to accept that in our society some relationships, while philosophically offensive, are more acceptable than they would be in a healthy free society. Closed relationships are one example of this. Condemning people for participating in closed relationships, when they live in a closed society, is tantamount to cruelty.
 
Good post Alexander; well said.
 
Ok with cheating, but not okay with poly?

I am being personally affected by this right now, so it's on my mind.

Why are some people okay with cheating, but not okay with poly? My assumption was that group would consist of cheaters too afraid to be honest to their partners or accept their partner's potential dating. But I have met several people willing to date a married person A without the knowledge or consent of a's spouse, b. However, they will not consider dating c who is also married, but whose partner, d is supportive of the relationship or potential relationship. This is what I can't puzzle out:

1). If someone wants to be monogamous, why date a cheater in a monogamous relationship?

2). If someone doesn't want to be monogamous but wants to have long term romantic relationships, why would they be unwilling to date a poly person?

3). Pertaining to my particular case, why might someone date several poly people for several years, break up with all of them because they supposedly want to be monogamous, and in the same breath talk about pursuing a relationship with a monogamous married person?

My metamours and I are having such a hard time wrapping our minds around this. I mentioned it to some friends, and they said while they don't understand it, they have known people who could accept cheating relationships, but not poly ones. I'd like to understand the motivation there. Can anyone give me some perspective?
 
I don't have any ideas as to how you can come to understand this perspective - since it is not rational. However, I see variations of this all of the time - where people's actions do not match up with their stated desires. I think this stems from the fact that many people are not very introspective - they just react to feelings/situations ("I have the hots for this guy.") and then rationalize it afterwards with little insight as to how they got into the situation in the first place.

Unfortunately, in our society, cheating is common and poly is not. Therefore, we have a societal "script" for cheating whereas the concept of having open and honest relationships with people seems like entering uncharted waters for many. Crazy.

JaneQ
 
All about Image!

Also, there's a large number of people in society that are more concerned with image than substance. Sigh.

At least with cheating--in their minds---you can appear to everyone else as still doing Monogamy and thus part of mainstream society. As opposed to Polyamory which is a "fringe lifestyle" in their view.

(Kinda like people still members of a church or religion ,even though they never go and deep down probably don't hold those beliefs anymore or follow the basic tenets.)

This, I have seen personally, especially big as a gay man who's poly, and is frowned down on by fellow gay men even, though I know they are all fooling around on their boyfriends. But as long as they "appear" to the outside as the perfect happy monogamous long term couple fighting for "marriage equality", etc, then that's all that's important.
:rolleyes:


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1)

For clarity in my examples He is the married cheater/married ethical polyamorist and she is the person who is willing/unwilling to date them.

On top of my head I can come up with several reasonings why someone is willing to date a married person who is cheating instead of a polyamorous ethical married person.

First it's a power trip and an ego boost for the woman. She can think along the lines of "I am so irresistibly hot/sexy/awesome that this married man can't stay away from me and is willing to risk all (his reputation/marriage/economical standing) to be with me".


This way the mistress doesn't have to take in to account the husbands wife at all. The wife becomes the "frigid bitch/she doesn't understand and appreciate him at all shrew" who is in the way of their one true love. And it is the mistress who understands him best/partners in crime ect. The mistress can do what she wants, the wife is none the wiser and it is the cheating husbands duty to appease the mistress and lie to the wife to get time away to spend with his lover.

And there is still hope for monogamy for the mistress. If it comes to the point of the man is willing to leave his wife to be with his mistress, she can reason that "He mustn't have ever really loved his wife since he was looking for an upgrade anyway when we met and I am the love of his life since he does this damage to his reputation all for me to be with me."


Person like that will not be willing to date a ethical polyamorous married men because she will lose the power trip/ego boost she would have otherwise, instead of becoming the" irresistible beauty he will be willing to risk all", she just becomes one of potential many, and she will never become the wife, number one in his life in the eyes of all and in the eyes of law. There is no hope for monogamy because a polyamorous man will not be ever willing to leave his wife for his secondary. The mistress will have to take in to account the wifes wishes, timetables, potential veto powers, she will have to appease the wife to get time with the husband ect.

Another reason for why someone if both are in relationships of their own, will not be willing to date a ethical poly man but is willing to date a married cheater is mutual blackmail and like you said, they might want to fuck around but no way in hell will they want to give their spouse/significant other the same right in return. If someone wants to cheat on their spouse the smart thing to do would be to date someone who is also cheating on their spouse, that way both have mutual leverage against each other. I will not tell to your spouse about the cheating if you don't tell my spouse about the cheating.

Someone who wants to cheat can't have this kind of mutual blackmail/leverage if they were to date a ethical polyamorous person, since the poly persons other significant others all know about each other and have agreed to nonmonogamy. If the poly person one day thought that they couldn't stand the lies and it is time to come clean the cheater doesn't have anything to hold over the poly person to stop them for confessing to their metamour that the metamours partner is a cheater.

2)

Also it could just be the power trip. Some people get off on sneaking around and getting away with stuff from their oblivious partners. Person like that dating a poly person from one side would not be "getting away with stuff" since the poly person would know and agree to non-monogamy and that takes out the power kick that a cheater would get off on, if everything is above board there can be no sneaking around.

3) NRE addict? NRE stupidity?They will always be searching for the one?And when the NRE drops out off to the next "the one?"

Why are some people okay with cheating, but not okay with poly?

My assumption was that group would consist of cheaters too afraid to be honest to their partners or accept their partner's potential dating.

But I have met several people willing to date a married person A without the knowledge or consent of a's spouse, b. However, they will not consider dating c who is also married, but whose partner, d is supportive of the relationship or potential relationship. This is what I can't puzzle out:

1). If someone wants to be monogamous, why date a cheater in a monogamous relationship?

2). If someone doesn't want to be monogamous but wants to have long term romantic relationships, why would they be unwilling to date a poly person?

3). Pertaining to my particular case, why might someone date several poly people for several years, break up with all of them because they supposedly want to be monogamous, and in the same breath talk about pursuing a relationship with a monogamous married person?
 
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I think yes, a lack of introspection. Simply 'doing' and not thinking. The fact that poly is still largely considered 'weird' - people tend to stick to what they know and many people find 'alternative' lifestyles too strange to even both contemplating.

Plus, from what I have seen and heard, people who tend to cheat, or lean towards cheating, also seem to be people that are able to live in denial. I have heard "but I'm not really cheating if [we're not married yet / it only happens once / we aren't having sex / xyz]" so many times. So, perhaps there is something in that.

My GF and I were discussing cheating last night actually. Ironically, given that we are now in a poly relationship, neither of us have ever, ever cheated on a single partner, throughout our entire life. Yet some of the people I know who find the concept of poly strange and don't give me their full support are involved in relationships with married people. Strange.

My GF has a theory that those single people who look for non-available romantic partners do so because they cannot truly cope with a meaningful relationship, on some level. Poly is ALL about meaningful relationships, even hierarchical poly and swinging, because we learn to communicate with and consider our partner. So, if they cannot cope with meaningful relationships, it's psychologically easier for them to seek the unavailable than to consider the concept of the work involved with poly.

A lot of people are selfish too. And immoral. Yet humans pass judgment very easily. So, those having affairs can KNOW it's 'wrong', and in their quest to be 'right', they keep their affairs a secret, because they plan to someday be monogamous (i.e. 'right') again. To them, monogamy rules (ironically) - so the idea of opening up their relationship just feels like openly cheating - so, if cheating is 'wrong', they don't want the world to know about it.

Strange!
 
A lot of good answers have come up already, and mine are going to overlap somewhat.

1. Appearances. Many people are much more concerned about what the neighbours will think than they are about satisfying their own needs. Polyamory is not accepted by the mainstream. Sneaking around means you can still appear to be monogamous to the outside world. Ironically, there's also less stigma attached to being the "other woman" than there is to being in a consensual nonmonogamous relationship. Though frowned upon, cheating is basically accepted by our society. No one (except the wife) "blames" the Mistress, they blame the husband.

2. Cowgirl/Cowboy syndrome. I'll never understand how this is rational to some people, but there are those who like to date married people, break up the marriage, and steal the partner for their own. What I don't understand is how they fail to realize that someone who leaves a spouse for another partner is certain to repeat the pattern when someone else comes along.

3. Communication. Polyamory is hard. You have to talk about your feelings. Yuck. Who wants to do that? Our society has a "cheating culture" with predefined rules and expectations about how to have an affair. If the Other Woman is jealous of the wife, tough shit. Deal with it, or leave. A woman sleeping with a married man doesn't have to talk to him about her jealousy because she's expected not to feel it. She can just go ahead and bury those feelings. Not healthy of course, but "easier" for some people.

4. Commitment issues. Because she knows her role, and that the affair will never grow past a certain point, she doesn't have to make a commitment. She can keep the relationship at a maximum level of intimacy without having to give up too much of herself.
 
There's no way that it could be logical or healthy to be okay with cheating but not with ethical non-monogamy.

However, the pseudo-logic behind it may come from the person's understanding of romantic love. If she believes that it is impossible for someone to love more than one person, than she would not be able to believe in polyamory. She could, however, believe that the married man no longer loves his wife (maybe he never loved her at all because she's a horrible bitch!) and only loves her. They love each other and are therefore MEANT to be together, even though he's still stuck with his horrible wife, the poor man!

Tied into these ideas is, I think, the societal notion of women-in-competition-for-men. If you believe that women are supposed to be competing with each other for men, then it's okay to steal a married man by cheating with him. But it's NOT okay to have non-monogamous relationships where women can be honest about being with the same man--and can in fact be friends with each other.

I have met SO many people who find the concept of polyamory and/or ethical non-monogamy absolutely horrifying because they cannot fathom how someone could be okay with "sharing" a partner.

These people are not okay with cheating either, but they would find it easy to grasp the concept of someone leaving their spouse for someone else. They would NOT find it easy to grasp the concept of someone being okay with their spouse having polyamorous relationships.

It's kind of nutty, isn't it?

For the Original Poster: if this issue has immediate personal significance for you, you might want to post your specific situation in the Poly Relationships section. You could get specific, helpful advice rather than a general discussion.
 
Dating someone else who is in a closed relationship

Hello, members of this community. I write here because I'm having a kind of relationship issue, and I'm looking to get other people's perspectives on this, to assess best what I should be doing.

I'm a gay male. After two failed 'monogamous' relationships at the age of 20 or so, I decided that I would not be attempting to have any other monogamous relationship ever again. As the saying goes, "Better to be alone than in bad company".

Anyway, later on I got a partner, and one of the first things I told him is that I want an open relationship or no relationship at all. And so we've kept it that way. Sex with other people is permitted, with a chance of getting infatuated and sharing the action, but not in a way that it badly affects our primary relationship. So far so good, three years have passed.

Now the reason why I chose an open relationship, is that I like people. I like guys; I find several sexually attractive and worthy of being loved. Not just one single guy for the rest of my life, but at any given period I might really be digging spending time with more than one person. Maybe not always, but sometimes. If there's someone I like, and I'd like to spend time with them and fuck with them, I let them know. I'm sincere to them and to myself that this is how I feel. If the question arises, I let them know I'm in an open relationship.

This brings me to the problem. Sometimes the person I like is single, but sometimes they're in a closed relationship. I don't control who I like in that regard, and neither do I want to control it. I know what I want, and I want them. The fact that I like them is non-negotiable. The negotiable part is the stuff we might do together, if something at all. If they're in a closed relationship, I expect them to be adult & mature enough to do what's in their best interest; to say 'No' if they mean 'No', to say 'Yes' if they mean 'Yes'. They (not me but they) made a promise to their life partner, and thus they should know if it's in their best interest to keep that promise, or not.

Of course, I believe a lot of men are deluded anyway, into thinking they can and want to have a single love interest / sexual mate. So they end up cheating, with me or someone else, and then drama ensues. But if they do it with me, I don't feel at all guilty, it was their decision. I didn't brake a vow with my partner. They broke a vow with theirs. I gave them the choice of refusing.

The thing though, is that sometimes I'm friends with the couple, not just one of them but both members of the couple. And sometimes, both my partner and I are friends with the couple. So if any adultery happens, rest assured both my partner and I lose two friends. All because someone promised they'd keep their crotch in their pants and aren't really capable of doing it / willing to do it.

So I'm trying to think of a way to approach these scenarios, a way in which there will be no losing outcome for me, and consequently, for my partner.

Please tell me what you think. I can take criticism. Thank you for your feedback.
 
My advice? Don't fuck people in closed relationships.

You're not LOSING if you choose not to act based on your infatuation/crush/lust/whatever it may be. You're just not GAINING. You are, in fact, losing if you act on your attraction and because of that your friends no longer want to associate with you.

I can't imagine a situation where a little bit of awesome sex would be worth hurting someone in such a way that they don't wish to associate with me anymore. Granted, my personal morals don't allow me to enable cheating, either.
 
As a rule of thumb, my advice is to avoid being any part of someone cheating. It's all well and good that when you proposition people you allow them to turn it down if they want, but I'd suggest not propositioning them at all. Limit yourself to dating partners who are single or in an open relationship; it's the ethical thing to do.

Not that I'll be judgmental toward a specific instance before I hear the details, just that as a general rule cheating isn't something I'd advise anyone to connect themselves to. Now if someone has a closed relationship but then they open it up, that's a different matter.
 
In addition to the previous suggestions I would add, be upfront to BOTH parties of your interest.
You may not have made any promises to the partner.
However-you are being duplicit and decietful if you have sex with someone behind their partners back, lying by omission.
For me forthright honesty is the key. Which allows the topic to be addressed and removes MY part in any lying or sneakiness.
While I enjoy my freedoms, privileges and privacy I try to avoid involvement with people in decietful or manipulative situations.
 
Hi Mischa,

The way I see it, being the enabler for someone else cheating means that you are equally responsible for the (horrendous) pain caused by cheating if/when the other person finds out. Just because you aren't breaking a promise to your partner (I agree - it's the monogamous person that makes the promise), it doesn't mean you are exempt from equal responsibility for the consequences. Only you can decide whether or not you're ok with that responsibility.

Personally? I've seen the devastating effects of cheating all my life. It goes much further than a broken heart or one damaged/ruined relationship. It can really, seriously mess up a person's framework of trust and cause severe problems for them in future relationships. If you cheat with one half of a couple who are your friends, this has even more of a severe impact on the person's ability to trust, because you and the person cheating show them that they can't trust friends or partners.

I'm saying this as someone who isn't perfect. I had a 2-year affair with a married woman when I was 16-18. I was single. At that age, I really didn't think about her husband. He barely even crossed my mind. I looked at it the way you do - that it was her promise to make or break.

I think that compassion and morals go hand in hand with emotional maturity. If you are emotionally mature, you are able to understand how other people feel, and the world stops being all about you - your wants, your desires, your selfishness.

The way I'd approach these scenarios? If I was attracted to a person in a closed relationship, I'd tell them I found them attractive and I'd let them know that if they ever want to open their relationship, I'd be interested. I would not approach these scenarios by enabling cheating, because I believe that being cheated on can cause not only horrendous short-term pain, but long-term trust issues that effect an innocent person's future relationships.
 
If the person in the closed relationship is really into you, and really equipped to successfully carry on a polyamorous relationship, make them do the work they need to do to get into a position where they can be with you openly and honestly. If you don't offer yourself up as affair material, they might be inspired to approach their partner about opening the relationship. If not, obviously, they weren't so serious about you in the first place. My pride would never allow me to be the bit-on-the-side, and I certainly wouldn't want to damage my reputation (I live in a small town) or hurt any of my genuine friendships by having an affair. Surely, you can find enough guys who are single or non-monogamous to scratch your itch. If not, try harder.
 
You may harm the existing closed relationship, and certainly could cause harm to the unknowing partner in that relationship by having a secret relationship. To me that is an unethical action in that it may cause unnecessary harm, and IMO it is also unethical to help someone break their promises.
 
You raise interesting points.

My attitude up to this point regarding closed relationships can be summed up in the phrase "I don't give a shit". I think monogamous relationships so far in our society and culture are, in great measure, a farce, especially in regards to men. These are some numbers I've been gathering regarding adultery / infidelity today, to assess better:

National Opinion Research Center, General Social Survey (2010, USA):
- 14,7% of married women have at some point cheated on their husband
- 21% of married men have at some point cheated on their wife

Other studies closer to my area point to infidelities (married or non-married) having happened for around 20% of males, sometimes closer to 25%. For women they remain lower, but the tendency over the years has been of increased cheating in women, which the National Opinion Research Center attributes to women having increased monetary independence.

These are high values, but they are lower than I expected; I was expecting something closer to 50%. So I was wrong in my assessment that men cheat in great measure. It seems more probable that a couple will remain monogamous throughout their relationship. Still, if the studies are true (and there is no reason to believe otherwise), out of every 10 randomly chosen men, 2 of them have, or have had, extramarital relationships. If these were infidelities, I don't believe systematically acknowledging & respecting closed couples is the way to go, not with every closed couple I meet, because a considerable portion of them are a farce. However, given the data, I should not advocate dismissing closed couples altogether.

Also, these behaviors in relationships, though obviously affected by current sociocultural reality, seem to be reasonably determined by biological traits. A person will be more prone or less prone to extramarital relationships depending on the synthesis of particular hormones.

A way in which I think this data is relevant: If a person is willing to commit an infidelity with me, and it follows that if they were willing with me they'd be willing with someone else, then it follows that infidelity would be likely to happen whatever course of action I take. The difference here being that if I decline, then I'm not taking a piece of cake, someone will be taking it for me instead. I see that as a losing situation. The couple loses either way, and I lose too. It'd be a good idea IMO to check the probability of recurrence of infidelity to assess this. With the data I've seen so far, cheating is something SOME men patently decide to do at a stage in their lives, not just rare happenings to be assumed a distasteful anomaly.

sparklepop has talked about trust, people being heart broken and believing they can't trust others from then onwards. I believe that's the case either way. You can't trust people unconditionally. The thing you can trust above all, is self-interest: people will be a lot more compliant to follow the rules if it's in their best self-interest to do so. An example of this, as Louis C.K. puts it: The biggest deterrent against killing people, is that killing people is illegal and you go to jail for it. You think you wouldn't have killed someone already if it were legal?

In a more couple related scenario: If you should stay fit, it's partially or entirely in order for your partner to continue to find you attractive, so they want to stay with you. If you should be kind to them, it's partially or entirely in order for them to feel good being with you, so they want to stay with you.

From my point of view, so far, if I show the partner of an adulterer they can't trust people and they become heart-broken, I've just shown them a fact of life that'd hit them in the face sooner or later. They should not be too trustworthy. They should not take things for granted. The bad outcome for me, of course, it's that I'll be receiving the backlash. That's a factor I'm considering. AlwaysGrowing says "You are losing if you act on your attraction and because of that your friends no longer want to associate with you."

kdt26417 mentions a rule of thumb, but I'm generally opposed to rules of thumb if I can additionally use all my fingers. "Limit yourself to dating partners who are single or in an open relationship", and leaving it at that, sounds good if you aren't willing to analyze to a larger extent.

I like LovingRadiance's response a lot. My stance is not only that I selfishly want to be intimate with someone who is in a closed relationship (which I do want), but also that closed couples are not to be acknowledged to the extent that society does, as naturally convenient and the norm. Doing and saying things has a cultural ripple effect that I call memetic, following Richard Dawkins' explanation. Ideas and concepts are self-propagating like genes are, so what I do or say does not just affect those directly involved. The extent to which following LovingRadiance's advice would be effective against the institution of closed relationships, I do not know. Maybe only marginal and can be dismissed altogether. Maybe large enough after repeated use of this strategy over years to choose to follow his advice over any other choice.

LoveBunny's opinion doesn't apply to me, because I don't care about being or not being "the bit-on-the-side", or how seriously they take our relationship. I'm into all kinds of relationships. I can continue on with my life either way. But I'm with you in that hurting friendships is not a good idea.

central, ethics isn't just about avoiding harm to others, it's also about avoiding harm to yourself, which to a larger or smaller extent would include the harm caused from stopping yourself from flirting with someone you adore. If we are to be ethical in regards to harming or not harming, there's no reason to ignore harm caused to any party. Thus this moral dilemma.
 
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central, ethics isn't just about avoiding harm to others, it's also about avoiding harm to yourself, which to a larger or smaller extent would include the harm caused from stopping yourself from flirting with someone you adore. If we are to be ethical in regards to harming or not harming, there's no reason to ignore harm caused to any party. Thus this moral dilemma.

I would disagree. You are simply rationalizing self-serving behavior because you want to pursue your own sexual gratification regardless of potential harm to others. You can find someone else where this dilemma does not exist. There's no real harm to you if you pass up this person, and probably some benefits even if you can't yet see them from your current perspective.

You may also be underestimating the risks to yourself. What if this man's partner finds out and decides to find you and beat the crap out of you? Will it have been worth it then? How would your ethics view this - as a justfied response?
 
Re (from mischa):
"If a person is willing to commit an infidelity with me, and it follows that if they were willing with me they'd be willing with someone else, then it follows that infidelity would be likely to happen whatever course of action I take. The difference here being that if I decline, then I'm not taking a piece of cake, someone will be taking it for me instead."

Right, but just because it's cake, does that mean your winning move is to be the one to eat it? What if eating the cake is unethical? Then whoever eats it is making a losing move. Let someone else be the one to eat the cake, it would be better for your own conscience, don't you think? Granted you're not preventing cheating from taking place, but you're still preventing yourself from being a part of it.

I'll put it another way: That cake is poisoned. It contains unethical ingredients. Unethical ingredients will damage your honor. It may taste good, but it will have bad effects on you in the long run.

It's not really our place to judge whether another relationship (open or closed) is a farce. The people in that relationship are the ones who should make that determination. And even if it is a farce, if it's closed it still constitutes mutual promises to keep it closed. Both/all the people in that relationship should agree to modify their promises before anyone else gets involved.

You can possibly argue an exception for a specific case based on specific information you have, but in general/statistical terms, it's just not a good idea to involve yourself in cheating situations.

Re:
"The biggest deterrent against killing people, is that killing people is illegal and you go to jail for it. You think you wouldn't have killed someone already if it were legal?"

That seems a bit off-topic, but my observation is that killing people isn't something that comes naturally or easily for most human beings. We may talk about killing jokingly, but actually doing it is a whole different ballgame (and that's assuming there were no legal consequences).

Re: cheating helps undermine the faulty meme of closed relationships ... perhaps. It's just that it also helps establish a precedent of dishonesty, or at least of breaking promises to a partner without negotiating with that partner. If we're going to try to establish (the idea/meme of) non-monogamy in our world, shouldn't we try to establish honest/honorable non-monogamy?
 
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