very confused

I think it just needs more time. She is confused and scared it seems to me and things are moving too fast for her now. Go at the pace of the one struggling the most I always say.

She seems to be struggling. Why not check with her. Ask her if she is struggling with the idea of having the two of you come together. I was terrified and elated all at the same time when Mono and Nerdist met the first time. I can understand that. Perhaps she doesn't think it's worth it and doesn't see it as being worth it to her because she is unsure if he is worth it to her.

Maybe she is losing interest and you are now making it out to be bigger than she now feels.... way to make your wife mono again! Be a super supportive husband that gives her the space to grow and learn and find others and be who she wants to be and then sit back and wait for her to figure out that what she thought she didn't have she actually had all along and it was just lost!

I'm just joking, but you never know right!? If nothing else you have the comfort and pride of knowing you have been doing the best you could possibly do by her and as a result yourself.
 
I'm not ready to give up! I have been beat down worse than this! TL those are pretty harsh words, but you do have a point. Thanks. If this marriage is destined to end then it will be K that walks away, not me! I can't(won't) walk away.K must make her choice, whether its good or bad for me!
But are you willing to be abused in the process of waiting for her to leave? :confused:
 
LMAO! Karma that made me laugh! You have a very valid point, as much as the caveman in me( his name is grog) wants to do just that, the more sensible part of me wants to meet and get to know this guy. Part of me wants to meet the guy who is so "special" that K is willing to go through all of this. Grog just wants to SMASH!

TL, if it means that I get to keep my true love, I am willing to take alot more punishment. I have been through alot of pain, mental and physical, in my life. Started in childhood and has continued. I have been mentally and physically abused by my mother(we don't talk), I have healed from those wounds, have the scars to prove it! I learned to walk again after shattering my leg. I deal with rheumatoid arthritis every day( I have bad knees, both need replaced). So, yes I will endure what ever it takes. I never quit(glutton for punishment?)!

RP, you made a point that I have not thought about. K is probably scared. I think back to when we were swingin and I always made sure that my new "partner" met K. I was always nervous! I think you have some great insight. I will try my best to give K more time to sort out her feelings.:confused:

Thank you all again. I do value your input and insight.
 
Well, sent K on her way to retrieve my little ones. Now I'm trying very hard to keep busy so I don't dwell on my thought(have a bad tendency to do that).
K was very quiet this morning. I helped her pack for her trip, slipped some protection, a card, and my wedding band into her bag. Nothing special about the card, just a remember me romantic one, the wedding band is to hopefully reminder of how much she means to me, the protection is for her to use if she see's H.
I hope this doesn't back fire:eek:. I'm sure that she will call me when she gets to NV and unpacks.
It might have been a big mistake doing that, but............:confused:.
 
Ummm.....In MY opinion, if my wife were to put her wedding ring in my suit case when I went on a trip like this one, I would take that as her telling me she wants to break up. But thats just me. I certainly wouldn't take it as a reminder to think about her.

Unfortunatly, we can not turn back the hands of time, and what you've done, is already done. When she calls, tell her why you put the ring in there BEFORE she gets a chance to ask about it. Just my .02
 
Ummm.....In MY opinion, if my wife were to put her wedding ring in my suit case when I went on a trip like this one, I would take that as her telling me she wants to break up. But thats just me. I certainly wouldn't take it as a reminder to think about her.

haha...actually ya, I might take it that way too. I am not overly connected to my ring, but I know Pengrah is. If I saw her ring in the luggage I would assume she was sending me a very strong message.

Hopefully she reads the letter first and understands the context first :)..best of luck.
 
When all of this started and I thought she wanted to leave, I handed her my ring. It was immediately given back to me! K keeps telling me that I am the one she loves, I am the one that she wants to be with, I am her life. Then why must she keep H in her life? Why is she willing to risk all that we have? What is so damn important about him?

Perhaps I need to listen. Perhaps I'm too mono. I still have my insecurities, being pushed out, being replaced. The thought of K having an emotional connection on the level that we do..........................

Maybe I am still over thinking all of this. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I think patience and communication are the keys to my issues. We have a great level of communication, we can talk about anything. Patience is not one of my strongest qualities. But having kids has sure helped me learn patience.;).

Now you all have me worried:(! The card and the ring are in the envelope together, so there shouldn't be any questions. I will have to wait til K calls me tonite, now I'm crossin my fingers!
 
I hope things go well for you. I'd be extremely freaked out if my husband sent me his wedding ring with a card that says "remember me."

Maybe it'll shake some sense into her.
 
When all of this started and I thought she wanted to leave, I handed her my ring. It was immediately given back to me! K keeps telling me that I am the one she loves, I am the one that she wants to be with, I am her life. Then why must she keep H in her life? Why is she willing to risk all that we have? What is so damn important about him?

You have to learn to trust her, hard I know :)

Perhaps I need to listen. Perhaps I'm too mono. I still have my insecurities, being pushed out, being replaced. The thought of K having an emotional connection on the level that we do..........................

Honestly, it isn't a video game. I hear this magical level thing people bring up. I fell in love with our ex. It was intense but it is not the same love I feel for my wife. It just isn't.

Is there an measurable intensity difference, sure why not. But intensity isn't the only measure of love (in fact I explain below how, imo, it is partially love). Trust, length of term etc are all that as well. Take heart in what YOUR love means to the two of you. You are not in love at level 15 ;) Her lover, with anyone else, will never be the love she has with you :)

Whoever I fall in love with will receive my love. However it doesn't remove how I love Pengrah or what that loves means to me in time and lessons learned.

One thing I do see a lot of people confusing are the differences between lust and love. The raw unadulterated need to fuck and enjoy the NRE that occurs is not love. They overlap sooo perfectly that they are easy to confuse, but they are easily recognizable when any of the other pairing leaves.

I can't count how many times I have considered being in love with someone, was riding the NRE wave and trust me on this, I am extremely lustful, it is my most enjoyable sin :cool:. Once the lust and the nre started to wear off, I realized THAT was the extent of the relationship.

I am not saying this will happen with your overall situation, but when the wave is on, you may be looking at THAT intense fire right in the face :)

Maybe I am still over thinking all of this. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I think patience and communication are the keys to my issues. We have a great level of communication, we can talk about anything. Patience is not one of my strongest qualities. But having kids has sure helped me learn patience.;).

Patience is a virtue that does not mesh well in my head. Its been a battle and a fight to learn how valuable patience is. I am 35 and learning this lesson now. I have a dutiful teacher which helps :)
 
Thank you Ariakas. The more I think about this whole situation, the more I see how much I need to learn.
Its a very difficult thing to trust when it comes to matters of the heart, at least for me it is. So, I sit here and "trust" in the fact that she loves me and will come back to me.
I guess I should be thankful that it is a LDR. If it is a relationship at all. If H lived closer, I dont think I would still have K.
 
Thats very possible. But I'm not gonna stop loving her, even if she decides to leave. What I meant by that is, during our arguments, if he lived closer, she probably would have run to him, but I'm not entirely sure.
I'm trying to be patient and wait but I was never very good at it. So I am keeping myself busy so that I don't have time to dwell on the negative, trying to stay focused on the positive. I'm not even sure if K is going to see H. But if she does, we went over our rules again,together, and I hope it works better this time for all of us.
I still don't understand myself in the fact that I haven't told K that she had to stop her "relationship" with H. I know deep down that she will not give him up so to speak until she is ready. Strange how I can accept part of the relationship and not the other.
 
I received a call from K this morning, we almost always text. She was very emotional about my card and ring. She was so touched.
And as of this morning she is excited to get back home to me! Life is slowly turning around. I'm not gonna rush any of this, its time to sit back and wait.:p
 
I'm glad she took your gesture the way you meant it :).

It sounds like she's thinking, from more recent posts of yours, like she's thinking the grass is always greener when she's with the other person.

Maybe ask him (I think it's you that's facebooking with your s/o's other) if that's how he thinks she's thinking of it. When with you she's always thinking about what it's like with him & when with him always thinking about how it is with you. Ask her about it as well. That might help the two of you sort out what's going on & why she's always so antsy to get back to him when she's only just gotten home.
 
It's not me. I have only sent an email that was never answered. Except for the email I have had no contact with H.
And as far as our agreement goes, K has not spent any alone time with H this trip. Unless she is breaking our agreement and is doing it in secret:(.
I was pretty sure that my gesture would be taken the way it was, I know this woman very well;).
K has one more nite before she and the kids head for home and she is going to some close friends of ours for a bbq and to spend the nite. If she has any plans to spend time with H, as in intimately, she is suppose to call and "check in", make sure I'm ok with it. I dont think she will bring him around our friends, they dont know about our lifestyle(is poly a lifestyle?).
Also called attention to K's F.B. profile, where she put her relationship as complicated, interesting conversation. Will have to wait and see if it gets changed.
Thanks again gang. All of your words help.
 
K must make her choice, whether its good or bad for me!

To provide another view:

When are you going to take responsibility for yourself?

If you want your life to improve, you *and only you* are responsible for your involvements. If those aren't working, you're responsible for changing things so they work. Putting the onus on others to decide what your involvements are and whether they're good or bad can be described (most charitably) as irresponsible.
 
Hhhmmm.........interesting point of view. I don't know, I have always been a "giver", always put everyone else before me. My whole family has always come before me. I didn't realize that I do that. It's just natural for me to do that. I read Autumnal Tones post yesterday (monday) and thought about it till today(tuesday). I even put K's happiness (still) before mine, is that unhealthy?:confused:
 
Putting others ahead of yourself can be healthy in moderate amounts but when you rarely or never do things for your own happiness it is very unhealthy.

It sounds like you need another one of your hiking camping trips to sort things out.
 
I even put K's happiness (still) before mine, is that unhealthy?:confused:

I am a pretty heavy giver to those I care about. I live most of my life putting others ahead of myself and have been rewarded nicely. I am lucky because the people I surround myself with are more balanced givers and takers. The problem occurs when a heavy "giver" becomes involved with a heavy "taker". Then the imbalance can result in a lot of manipulation and one sided rewards.
 
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