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Old 08-17-2010, 06:30 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,733

hi there, I hope you do some reading here and take advantage of all the resources available to you before jumping in. Maybe some books would be helpful? Maybe some on line direction? Whatever works for her...

realizing that you are in love with someone and then asking to open a relationship is really difficult and can get very messy. Your wife will be blind sided by this I would think, and it doesn't sound like this womans husband is completely on board either. If you can, take your emotions out of the situation in order to think about it rationally. I know that is very hard, but tread very carefully. You made some pretty serious vows to be monogamous when you married... your integrity rests on up holding those.

I do think it's possible to successfully open a relationship up and have other relationships that are meaningful; that create vitality to the original two and are still sustainable, but it takes a lot of work, communication and tons of honest open interaction with all involved... it is very tricky. Be careful about whether or not you really need to have this in your life or could you sustain yourself on just expanding what you do independently from your wife.

Lastly, it might be a really good idea to frame the beginnings of this around your goals... for yourself and for herself and together... what are your plans for your life with her, what do you want to do together? All these things will determine if perhaps you are on the same page still or not. When I got married 9 years ago, my husband to be and I decided not to live together, but if and when we did,we wanted to work towards having a chosen family of lovers and people we love, including our own children and perhaps theirs. We went into marriage with this in mind. We have been working on that ever since. It is the fabric that holds us together. What holds the two of you together? What have you agreed to in the past that needs changing to accommodate where you are at now. Will you both be happy in those changes? All questions that will come right at you once you get going... it might be better to get right at it, before even starting anything up with this new found seedling of possible love.
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