Couple-hunting in Unicornia

ha, I totally misread your other post as being you fell for a vanilla instead of you fell for Vanilla. Sorry bout that! My post must have seemed super random. Good luck with managing all the NRE. Be sure to let yourself just enjoy it too. I remember not really getting to in my last relationship and really regretting that. I hope you get to have lots of fun with all your partners. :)
 
ha, I totally misread your other post as being you fell for a vanilla instead of you fell for Vanilla.

hehe

Yeah, the part about Vanilla being on one end or another of a leash should've been a dead giveaway.

Personally, I wouldnt want to date/have sex with a vanilla person either. And Cindie, I really don't think you're all that vanilla. I think there's some chocolate sprinkles in your cone, at least.
 
Last fall I finally weaned her off the phone convos. Now we talk a few times a week. It was difficult. I got a lot of accusations of me not loving her, etc.

Wow, how did you do it? What made you do it? Did you just one day say "Mum, I can't talk now" or what?
 
Oh, I was wondering because you were sounding like an expert already.

I try to READ READ READ! Even stuff that frankly squicks me a bit. And then talk about what I learned. It's such a huge part of who she is that I try to stay informed to be able to appreciate her for who she is. And ask a lot of stupid questions on the way.
 
My post must have seemed super random. Good luck with managing all the NRE.

Oh no, not at all! I just interpreted it as musing over how a seasoned kinkster like Vanilla might also have trepidations about dating an uninitiated vanilla ice cream like myself, like you were offering another POV. I really appreciate the input, hadn't even thought about it from her angle.

Oh, and dental dams are available via the net up here also! Moonlight checked them out for me even though I never mentioned it to him, just read it here on my blog, did a bit of research and posted me the links, because he's great like that!

I've decided to call the cluster I inhabit my clan from now on. Thanks to Mum who asked whether the New Girl will be incorporated to "my clan" also. I can't help but to think that a "tribe" is a bit inaccurate a term from an anthropological POV. If my notes from my Anthropology 101 class are in order, "clan" refers to a group of people who can trace common ancestry to a shared forefather/mother. A "tribe" is a group of people who believe they share common ancestry and often cite a mythological forefather/mother that started the tribe as the common link between all the tribe members, but cannot actually trace their lineage all the way back to them.

I think I will continue to refer to people who are either involved directly with me or with my partners (thus being my metamours) as my clan and if I ever am to gain paramours of metamours, they would form the limits of my polyamorous tribe, where my clan is one among many interconnected clans :).
 
So what you're saying is that my suggestion of "clusterfuck" didn't even make the short list?? :p

It was right there with the figure eight ray suggested :D. Now that Windy and I are no longer actually fucking, that particular formation is gone, and hence the need to name it :).

Apppears I'm flooding my own blog, but hey, it's my blog, so here goes:

1) The New Girl and her SO used to be poly from the get-go of their relationship. However, major unresolved jealousy ensued on both sides. Yes, there was boundary-breaking involved (she refers to them as rules). So they did the mono thing for a while. This time around, they are "open", with an OPP in place, and already running into difficulties (not with me, thank gawd).

Is this a giant red flag I'm just not seeing from all the red lust haze? Or normal growing pains a couple goes through? Should I just back the fuck off or let adults be adults and deal with their own relationships?

2) Flattie's going through a rough patch with the moving-out and all. I went with her to therapy last night, and her therapist said I function as her auxiliary ego in taking care of stuff she can't manage, such as cancelling her date last night.

This week I've dedicated to hanging out with her instead of my previous plans to hang out with Moonlight and Vanilla. So where I used to be undecided on the issue of whether polyships affect each other or not, the jury is now out on that one; sometimes you need to prioritize, on the basis of who needs you most at any given moment.
 
Yep, polyships affect each other. Like they say, love may be infinite but time sure ain't! Not to mention that when I've had a good time with one partner I find that I'm happier and more into things with the other, whereas if I'm feeling confused or down about things with one I'm mopey with the other.

Also, I'm not a fan of OPP (what if you suddenly sprout a penis, would she need to break up with you?) but I can see being lenient with them. As I recently described on my blog, my lovers have had a checkered past with poly. Mistakes are natural, it's all in whether you're willing/able to learn from them...
 
Also, I'm not a fan of OPP (what if you suddenly sprout a penis, would she need to break up with you?) but I can see being lenient with them. As I recently described on my blog, my lovers have had a checkered past with poly. Mistakes are natural, it's all in whether you're willing/able to learn from them...

Now you made me worried for sudden unbidden and unwelcome sprouts affecting my love life :D!

But yes, it's easy to look down on struggling people and go "Why don't they get a grip already? Why bother if it's so difficult?" instead of cultivating empathy.

Yesterday I had a big reminder about the need to cultivate empathy further within myself. Flattie's new potential was visiting us for "Meet the family" date. Accidentally, he and I used to attend the same year class in the same high school. We never talked during that time and now went over high school years, people we used to know, what kind of impressions we had of each other during high school etc.

During the evening, he went several times; "You make people wary. I mean, you are so blunt and highly analytical, and say the most outrageous things. You make me uncomfortable. I constantly try to monitor what I say and do, because I know you are mentally taking my stock and forming an opinion of me that you will give in another company soon enough".

Flattie tried to defend me by saying I'm just very honest and direct, and he countered with "There is a difference between direct and rude". She admitted her first impression of me was of someone who was very arrogant and prone to making snide remarks of people.

During the night, I made a comment upon a mutual friend of ours, calling her quite stupid. And I immediately realized what the two of them were going on about. I am rather horrible to other people. Quick to pass judgement and force my opinion on others. And it's not something I want to be :(.

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A quick text convo with Flattie produced the following insights;
1) I need to stop using words like 'stupid', 'whore/slut/tart', 'gay' etc. that are loaded with a whole lot of negative history, just like I don't use racial slurs to describe somebody belonging to a different ethnic group from mine.
2) I need to stop equating "not sharing my world view/interests" with "stupid".
 
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Okay, a while since I posted. Recent updates;

Flattie has now moved out. Mum and I spent five and a half hours cleaning out the apartment. In some places, the rot had gotten so deep it had affected the paint, and we had to toss everything out of the fridge because it was just so vile, but I think we covered most of the damage well enough. Anyway, seeing the state the place was in made me a tad worried about her new life down south :(.

The results of my smear test came back - I scored both BV and benign changes in the cellular make-up of my cervix. So now I both have to deal with dis-gust-ing treatment plan and regular check-ups :mad:.

We had a lovely vacation with Vanilla. In the hostel I also got talking with an American fellow-traveller (well, Vanilla and I actually left the hostel every day, so we were technically not real travellers ;)), and just casually mentioned "my girlfriend". So we chatted away about our lives and crazy exes and so on, and later he asked me, at another mention of Vanilla, if the two of us were "together". "Yeah, we are together, as in a couple, dating, planning to get married together" I went, and even crossed my fingers in a gesture I hoped conveyed togetherness. "Yeah, that's what I originally thought, but then you started talking about your boyfriend, and I got confused." "EX-boyfriend." "Yeah, I figured, one way or another he had to be."

At that point I could have launched on an educative rant about bisexuality and poly, but decided it was not worthwile. I was happy though later, when a local guy asked us if we were a couple, as in lesbians, and we went yes to couple, not to lesbians - that we are both more bisexual. Yay for bi visibility!

Interestingly enough, a former Soviet country with a track record of homophobia wasn't a least bit hostile to our hand-holding and kissing in public. And only once were we served with separate bills in a restaurant. I'm impressed!
 
Last night we talked a lot about sex in the spiritual group I'm now temporarily leading due to Flattie's move-out. It's all-girls, so we got pretty graphic. Major sex myths, like the "all women prefer stimulation orally or manually compared to intercourse", were busted. I was also asked, if forced to choose, whether I would only have sex with other women or with men for the rest of my life, and if there was a difference between the two to my mind.

I would choose girls, mainly because with men, sex tends to be more scripted, with a clear "story-arch" from beginning to the end. It doesn't have to be that way but often is. Also, with men, sex tends to revolve very much around penises and their functioning. Not that there is nothing wrong with that, but I tend to feel there isn't a lot I can do to bring pleasure to my partners - it's more laying back and having things done unto me, and if for whatever reason Mr. Downbelow isn't up for it, there is little to do.

With women, you can prolong things indefinitely, and everyone can pretty much come as often as they would like. With Vanilla, on average, we both come around six times. With women, sex is a lot more orgasmic and centered on coming in different ways for as long as possible, whereas with men, it's more about hanging out and passing the time in a pleasant way for me. The intensity levels are just different.
 
Hmm, that's very interesting. :) I'm still learning about sex so I always enjoy hearing explanations of things. The organic experience you're describing with women sounds like a lot of fun. Makes me wish I were interested in sex with women! Maybe someday I will be. :) I like your nickname for penises, tehe. Part of me does worry that I will feel sort of purposeless in sex with men. Just laying there... having things done to you. I'm sure I'll figure something out but it's definitely something I've wondered about. Feeling useless... Lol.
 
Part of me does worry that I will feel sort of purposeless in sex with men. Just laying there... having things done to you. I'm sure I'll figure something out but it's definitely something I've wondered about. Feeling useless... Lol.

It's not like that at all! Trust me, hips are magical things. ;)
 
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This is more directed at Ray than at you, BU, but frankly I'm puzzled by your description of sex with men. In my experience it can easily involve just as much play, biting, licking, sucking, touching, rubbing, tussling, nuzzling, etc as sex with women. And why all the emphasis on lying there when you can just as easily jump on top and ride off into the orgasmic sunset? Or take turns, try it doggie style, try it spooning, alternate penetrative sex with oral sex, etcetc.

It's true that a man will have the whole refractory period thing going on, but if he's willing to be patient and hold off on his own climax, there's no reason the pleasure can't be extended for both of you for a good long while. This, of course, assumes a man with enough knowledge of his sexual response to know when to tell you to stop stimulating him for a bit when he's getting close to orgasm and who also has enough self control to want to do so in the moment. Mmmmm. :) Generally even if they don't start out with sufficient amounts of those two qualities, they can be trained!
 
I was a bit puzzled by that myself, Annabel. Maybe I'm just lucky, but both of my guys are very attentive to my needs and I usually have to beg them to let me take a breather because I'm getting too sensitive. One of the main reasons that Wendigo and I got together was because he loves giving oral and Pretty Lady isn't that into it. Even when she and I are together, there is very little oral stimulation below the belt.
 
In my defense, I'm a virgin. So I have yet to experience sex with either gender. I'm not denying that sex with men could be interesting. That has just been one of my fears. I certainly plan to make sex with my partners as interesting as possible. I just haven't had the chance yet. :)
 
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