changes

lizzygirl2412

New member
Good Morning All
My husband and I met someone a couple weeks ago. Things seem to be moving right along. I have really enjoyed her company and so has he.
As you all know this is my first experience in a poly relationship and I am trying to keep an open mind and take things as they come.
I do however find things moving to fast sometimes and I get this anxiety feeling in my stomach and not sure how to slow things down. I did agree to this and I do not have an exact issue with anything. Just am not sure how to deal with feeling overwhelmed.
The person that we have gotten involved with also has never been in a poly relationship and I find her agreeing to everything and holding back. Every once in a while I find her doing little petty things to try and "mark her territory" but not communiticating about what her actual problem is.
How do I work with this?? I would like for her to be able to feel like she can speak freely.
In a hurry as usual, sorry for the bits and pieces thrown out so jumbled but any advice is welcome.
Thanks
 
What is she doing to "mark her territory"? Urinating on the walls and furniture? My advice to you is vinegar. The acid in the vinegar neutralizes the urea and ammonia in the urine, which is what gives it that characteristic bad odor. It won't harm most fabrics and surfaces. of course, a better, long-term solution would be to make sure your toilet is easy to find and always has paper on the roll. Every time you catch her "marking her territory", show her where the bathroom is and make her stay there until she uses the toilet. Eventually, she will start to go to the bathroom on her own and will stop associating urination with "marking of territory". Usually, this behaviour is common in males, especially un-neutered males; but occasionally it manifests itself in females of the species too. No one really understands why, but scientists are hard at work finding the answer(s) even as i type this.
 
Very funny, I got a good laugh out of your response.
Marking territory by putting my toothbrush out of the holder and in the cabinet
Trying to turn 3 way communication into two way conversations ummm
Making statements that she wishes she could have him all to herself. Just
Enough to pluck my nerves and make me seem like I'm
Being irrational.
 
Making statements that she wishes she could have him all to herself.

I've not experienced the others, but Dude use to make comments to this effect. I think it has to do with the fact that we (as members of our culture) are "trained" that this is what our partner wants to hear.

I am the "hinge" in our MFM Vee and these statements didn't sit well with me...at all. So I told him he needed to stop that shit...and he did.

JaneQ
 
Two weeks and she is there long enough to be moving toothbrushes and stuff? I say slow down. It seems like you all are moving at an accelerated rate. Why? Would it kill anyone to slow down and oh say get to know her? At two weeks in, you are still interacting with the person's representative. There is no way the true colours have had time to emerge. Is she living in the home? If not, could you tell them both that you need time with your husband without her being around? Being together too much will grate on your nerves and make you want to hurt somebody. Have boundaries been established?
 
Marking territory by putting my toothbrush out of the holder and in the cabinet.

Could be her home habits are different than yours.

Could just tell her to leave your toothbrush where you like it. Then tell her what she is welcome to do at your home:

  • Maybe she is welcome to put her own in the cabinet?
  • Maybe something else? You agree that at your house you do your style to honor your ways and when at her home you go her style to honor her ways?

Sort it out.

Trying to turn 3 way communication into two way conversations ummm

Could just say "I'd like to participate in this conversation, please. Could I be included?" when you feel like you are not being included in the things that concern you and are reasonable for you to share in.

Making statements that she wishes she could have him all to herself.

Could acknowledge the feeling behind the words and not get hung up on the words themselves -- "Yes. It IS hard to learn to be in a 3 people thing and find balance." and then let it GO.

Enough to pluck my nerves and make me seem like I'm being irrational.

Is it her doing things? Or you filtering things through a nervous/anxious/or judging filter? Like you assume "ill will" somewhere like on the look out something will go wrong? Rather than assume "good will" and look out for things that will go well? Are you worried she's a cowgirl? I am confused. :confused:

Look, the "new normal" will feel weird until it becomes "just the normal."

Could not sweat this so much. Take the the time to get to know each other's style. Don't be in a hurry to sleepover/have sex.

If you think she is agreeing to everything and holding back? Not communicating about what her actual problem is?

ASK HER. Could say something like..

"I am wondering if there's a problem with ______. I wonder if you agree to everything and are holding back. Are you?

I would like for you to be able to just communicate freely. If it is too hard to speak in words like in face time, I'm also open to hearing what you have to say by phone, email or a hardcopy you write or just print and put on my desk.

How would you like for me to communicate with YOU best?"​

To me this all sounds like it could be normal get to know each other stuff -- that includes boundaries.

Galagirl
 
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You say "keep your fucking hands off my toothbrush or else, bitch."

Seriously, that's a really personal thing, right up there with your underwear and contraceptives. Anyone i've known for only 2 weeks, whether i'm fucking them or not, does not even THINK about TOUCHING my toothbrush, forget about moving it from its rightful place in the bathroom. Who the FUCK does she think she IS? That's like rearranging my furniture or taking away my coffee and replacing it with decaf. Who DOES that in someone else's house? I've been MARRIED for over 10 YEARS and even my own SPOUSE doesn't do shit like that.

She wants your man. She's trying to take your place.
 
You say "keep your fucking hands off my toothbrush or else, bitch."

Seriously, that's a really personal thing, right up there with your underwear and contraceptives. Anyone i've known for only 2 weeks, whether i'm fucking them or not, does not even THINK about TOUCHING my toothbrush, forget about moving it from its rightful place in the bathroom. Who the FUCK does she think she IS? That's like rearranging my furniture or taking away my coffee and replacing it with decaf. Who DOES that in someone else's house? I've been MARRIED for over 10 YEARS and even my own SPOUSE doesn't do shit like that.

She wants your man. She's trying to take your place.


What he said!!!!!! agree....
 
What he said!!!!!! agree....



Oh yeah i almost forgot - dump her too.

"mark her territory"... Pfeh. Since when is your bathroom and toothbrush "her territory".

If someone has the nerve to do that TWO WEEKS after meeting you, what will they do in two months? Feed you roofies and floss your teeth while you're passed out? At least you won't need dental insurance.
 
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Is she on medication?

I would try to get her to see a different doctor or if she's an animal a different vet. Not everybody is good at what they do for a living, this is especially true of doctors and automechanics.

I once had a friend in Arizona that went to see a doctor because she got a bad sunburn, the guy was some quack from Ohio who tried to tell her she had cancer and when she didn't think a sunburn was cancer he hacked her email and myspace account then proceeded to stalk her and any male friends. The crazy thing was he was all poly this and poly that, some doctors need medication a heck of a lot more than the patients they are supposedly treating.
 
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Of course, New Girlfriend is not here to tell us HER version of the story. Maybe she had a REALLY GOOD REASON for moving the OP's toothbrush in their own home. I would love to know what that reason is. It would help me understand people better, which would make me a better person. Then i might stop judging people all the time.
 
I have been with Murf about a year. I would never move his toothbrush. I am at his home as often as I can be and I do not leave a toothbrush at his home. I travel with the supplies I need. Only recently have I begun leaving anything at his home. And that is a travel sized shampoo bottle and a bottle of body wash.
 
I feel like a whirl wind has come into my life, moving at a pace way to fast for me. Everyone else seems comfortable with it but me. Told I'm being a "rootie poo".. Not trying to be the party pooper, just feeling overwhelmed. People that are able to make this type of relationship work, hats off to you. I'm currently finding it exhausting!!
 
It is exhausting because it is moving too fast. Let me put it like this. There is no good reason for touching my tooth brush or any hygiene products. Your husband is thinking with his penis. He has a shiny new vagina to play with, so of course he is going to call you a party pooper. She is probably trying to steal your husband and become the next wife. Is this by chance the woman you met while on the road, the woman your husband asked you to train after you discovered the affair, or someone entirely different from the two mentioned? I think you have a D/S relationship, but you still have the right to put your foot down and the right to say who you do or do not want to be involved with or when you want her out of the house.
 
This is the woman he was involved with. She is not submissive and I can not teach her to be me. I find him even asking utterly rediculous!! Somehow he thinks two of me would be great... I don't see it but whatever!!
I am off work this week and I have been told to spend some time with her and get to know her. Trying to keep an open mind...
Yes I do believe she wantsu husband to herself but I don't see that happening.
 
Wait... is this is the SAME PERSON as from this post?

I thought it was a new person. Or maybe I was hoping it was. Sigh. :(

If this is that same person then I'm going back to my other suggestion. End it. With her, maybe even with him.

Galagirl.
 
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Line up those ducks quietly then and make sure you cover all your bases. Esp financial health so he doesn't lock you out of access to your bank stuff. If you have anything in joint checking, move it now.

Then when it's time to make the move -- hard, fast and swift.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
I am off work this week and I have been told to spend some time with her and get to know her. Trying to keep an open mind...
Yes I do believe she wantsu husband to herself but I don't see that happening.

So from what I've seen, she's been extremely disrespectful to you in your own home, saying she's going to be the "Queen of the Castle," moving your toothbrush (!!!), and calling you a party pooper when you don't nicely and quietly move out of her way.

What more do you need to get to know about her?

I'll say it again - this behavior is extremely disrespectful. You have no obligation to become friends with someone who is being openly hostile to you and your position in your own home. You have no obligation to become friends with ANYONE, for that matter. Your heart, your choice, Sub or not. You give him that power, remember. Be strong.

And, as an aside, it's nice to see that the toothbrush thing isn't just me - I find it a very personal thing. It *meant* something to me when my partner began to leave his toothbrush in the holder with mine and my kids', and I loved it even more when his daughter left hers in the same place. It's *home*. From my personal POV, she's displacing you from your rightful place in your home. If it had been me, I probably would have had fantasies about displacing HER toothbrush right in the toilet. :p
 
Oh lawd, this is the "Queen of the Castle" one? I remember reading something about that. Geez Loueez...

Eta: i just reread that old thread. I think you should drink more. You stand up for yourself better when you're drunk.
 
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