Why??

... he is out mtg new people, having firsts all over again, making new memories while I am left out.

This sounds like you are describing "new relationship energy," NRE. If it's only been 3 years since your h started practicing polyamory, with one new partner, I am sure he had that infatuation stage big time for at least the first 2 years with her. Infatuation with her, and infatuation with finally practicing polyamory. If being poly was a long time desire of his, kept under wraps to protect your feelings and the marriage stability, now that he's actually doing it instead of just wanting it, it must be an incredible rush.

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean your feelings and needs don't matter! It's not right for you to just be left behind, doing mundane housework, taking the kids to their activities (how old are they?), sitting home in the evenings watching TV, while hubby is out wining and dining his gf, going on romantic dates... Heck, one time my ex-h came home from a date with his new gf in our early awkward days of being poly and said they'd gone to a bookstore and he was reading poetry out loud to her!!! When was the last time he'd read poetry to me?

Now, your h and his gf have broken up, despite his desire for 2 primaries, 2 households. He is eager to get back into the saddle of looking for the next Ms Right? And you're like, oh shit, here we go again.

Put on the brakes! Ask him to take a break from dating. Work on your own relationship for a while, set a time frame, 3 months, whatever YOU feel you need. Ask for what you want. More dates? More firsts? More memory making?

I asked for that from my ex, eventually. We started going on more dates. Weekend trips. Adventures to other states, towns, scenery. No, he didn't read me poetry (heh) but we went to music fests, we got hotel rooms, and as a result of all the new stimulation and time alone, we had tons and tons of sex, more than we'd ever had in our lives together (20+ years together at that point).

And/or maybe you want him to finish that household project. Or go to couples counseling with you. Or keep the kids while you go visit your sister for a week. Or tell you he loves you more. Or make you breakfast, or scrub the kitchen floor. YOU decide what makes you feel valued and loved.

(For me, all this wasn't enough. For reasons other than poly, we did break up, we'd grown apart, and it was just time.)



It is easy for 2 poly people to understand and 2 poly people are also gtg attention elsewhere and gtg to experience new things and firsts all over again too. But if you are mono, yes you get your partner but you also have to share them and struggle through jealousy, insecurity, etc. with no outlet. He came out as poly to me almost 3 years ago and it still is not easy for me. But I do want to be with him and that's why I am still here.

You now have an outlet to talk about your jealousy and the fact that you've put your own needs aside for so long. You're here and venting. Once you feel you've vented enough (you determine how much you need to vent), Examine this: "What are my needs?" Do you even know?

Not, I need him to not be him, to suddenly become mono. But, I love him, he has to be himself, how do I get MY needs met for feeling loved and secure and entertained while he continues to be true to his poly self?

Once you feel your needs are fully met (some needs met by him, some needs met by yourself, some needs met by your platonic friends and family), you will be more able to develop compersion (happy to see him happy) out of the ashes of the jealousy you used to feel.

You just need to look at what your needs are, and go about getting them met. Backburnering your own needs for decades is not healthy. I know the Christian culture has told us to put our own needs last, but personally, I do not feel that is healthy. Everyone's feelings and needs matter, not just the need of your h to be poly.
 
The second route, by the way, doesn't necessarily imply you doing all the work. There is a question of whether he can make any compromises (*short of abandoning polyamory altogether*) that would make it easier for you to emotionally accept the polyamory that he does practice. Better still, is there some kind of compromise he can make that would make you feel like you were actually getting something good out of the bargain? I pose this question to you because only you can know what would satisfy you. What would it take? Do you need him to spend (more) special date nights with you? go out less often? take (more) turns tending the kids so you can go out and have some fun (with friends or whatever)? something else? or is it just not gonna be good enough as long as he's seeing anyone else at all?

IF you are determined to stay with him...THIS is exactly perfect.
 
Hello. I'm also a mono partner of a poly and I've honestly asked myself that same question. And like others have said, it's better to ask "Why am I in this relationship?", or even better "What do I need / want from my relationships and am I getting it?"

The bending for his benefit sounds like the Brave Little Toaster sydrome the Polyamorous Misantrope posted about on her blog. Short version, don't bend yourself for your partner in the HOPES of being happy later. If you can't be happy now, and there's no fix, may be time to gently move on. I understand with children involved, it's WAY easier said than done. But you have to make sure you don't succumb to emotional poisoning.
 
Sorry it took me a few days to respond. To answer some of your questions, no my husband doesn't leave me to suffer in poly Hell alone, he does try to reassure me constantly. I have a hard time not being everything to him. And yes I know I can't possibly but it hurts and feels bad when it is with someone he wants to share his life with too. And no I do not sit home alone, I get out plenty, I have friends, I have family, I have interests in many things. It still bothers me when he is with someone else. I would be fine if he was gone the same amount of time with friends or whatever, I have plenty to keep myself busy and entertained, it's just the idea he is with someone else (a woman) building something new. Honestly, a few months ago, I had finally come to terms with it somewhat and was used to it. But since he and his gf broke up and he is now looking for another it's like picking at an old scab. I feel like I have to start all over again, trying to get thru the feelings of jealousy and go through the NRE all over again. I guess I have to reprocess everything the same way I did last time around.
 
Hello. I'm also a mono partner of a poly and I've honestly asked myself that same question. And like others have said, it's better to ask "Why am I in this relationship?", or even better "What do I need / want from my relationships and am I getting it?"

The bending for his benefit sounds like the Brave Little Toaster sydrome the Polyamorous Misantrope posted about on her blog. Short version, don't bend yourself for your partner in the HOPES of being happy later. If you can't be happy now, and there's no fix, may be time to gently move on. I understand with children involved, it's WAY easier said than done. But you have to make sure you don't succumb to emotional poisoning.

That was a great article thanks!
 
And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?

Simple truth is you don't have to do anything. You konw your current relationship status. Time to do one of a few things.

1) Stay and hate your SO for being poly and make you both miserable knowing he is who he is and will not change. (I respect the honesty).

2) Leave him and he will continue to be who he is.

3)Stay and accept him for who he is and be happy in a relationship with him.

Everyone deserves to be happy and loved.
 
I had finally come to terms with it somewhat and was used to it.

But since he and his gf broke up and he is now looking for another it's like picking at an old scab. I feel like I have to start all over again, trying to get thru the feelings of jealousy and go through the NRE all over again. I guess I have to reprocess everything the same way I did last time around.

Not you don't. If you are no longer up for this, you do not have to participate.

If you ARE up for this, participating in a polyship? Then yes. That's part of the deal -- he could break up with people. He could date again. And yes, NRE all over and witnessing it for you.

If you are willing/able to go there and be in good health/good spirit? Go.

If you are not willing? Not able? It's hurting you in your health and in your spirit? Stop doing this.

I am concerned you are depressed. :(

I note you do not list what your needs in relationship are. It is good he doesn't leave you to suffer poly hell alone... but you do not indicate if he meets you needs.

Galagirl
 
Simple truth is you don't have to do anything. You konw your current relationship status. Time to do one of a few things.

1) Stay and hate your SO for being poly and make you both miserable knowing he is who he is and will not change. (I respect the honesty).

2) Leave him and he will continue to be who he is.

3)Stay and accept him for who he is and be happy in a relationship with him.

Everyone deserves to be happy and loved.

I wish life was as easy as simply picking 1, 2, or 3. The challenge is accepting that what you thought your partner got in a relationship with you, may not be what they actually are getting. For instance, I have a lover now as my wife and I had major medical and communication issues and sex was almost off the table for the last year. The lover relieved the strain on my wife. The intent of having another woman on the side was to back off relying on my wife to fulfil me sexually. But if the tide turns, why is she looking for sex with other people? What is she looking for sexually if we haven't fixed our sexual intimacy issues? I get the meeting new people, having new friends thing. Sex seems much more personal between a couple. Add to it kids, marriage, being in love with this person. Takes a LOT of work to have it feel easy...
 
Not you don't. If you are no longer up for this, you do not have to participate.

If you ARE up for this, participating in a polyship? Then yes. That's part of the deal -- he could break up with people. He could date again. And yes, NRE all over and witnessing it for you.

If you are willing/able to go there and be in good health/good spirit? Go.

If you are not willing? Not able? It's hurting you in your health and in your spirit? Stop doing this.

I am concerned you are depressed. :(

I note you do not list what your needs in relationship are. It is good he doesn't leave you to suffer poly hell alone... but you do not indicate if he meets you needs.

Galagirl

No definitely not depressed! But thanks for your concern :)
For the most part I am usually ok with it and I guess you could say have grown used to it. I just struggle with it from time to time. He does meet my needs, some of my wants he cannot meet because that would mean him not being who he is (poly). In reality when there is someone else in the picture he is more attentive, more loving, more caring. After he and his gf broke up he was like a parent who had 2 children and 1 died. He couldn't be a good parent to the one who was still alive because he was too busy grieving the one that was lost. He has gotten better with time though and I was understanding that he had just lost a 3 year relationship and was there for him. It's like a double edged sword--when he has someone he goes overboard being nice because I think he is so grateful that I am allowing him to be really be who he is and I reap the benefits of it (even just having the chance to miss one another we are more appreciative of our time together). But when he doesn't have anyone, he doesn't feel as though he has to try as hard so we actually have a better connection when he does have someone else. I still struggle with the jealousy though.
 
I wish life was as easy as simply picking 1, 2, or 3. The challenge is accepting that what you thought your partner got in a relationship with you, may not be what they actually are getting. For instance, I have a lover now as my wife and I had major medical and communication issues and sex was almost off the table for the last year. The lover relieved the strain on my wife. The intent of having another woman on the side was to back off relying on my wife to fulfil me sexually. But if the tide turns, why is she looking for sex with other people? What is she looking for sexually if we haven't fixed our sexual intimacy issues? I get the meeting new people, having new friends thing. Sex seems much more personal between a couple. Add to it kids, marriage, being in love with this person. Takes a LOT of work to have it feel easy...

Exactly...it isn't that easy to just pick one. I could say sure of course I pick #3 but a lot comes with it.
 
And why should I as a mono person have to work thru all that so my poly partner can be happy? Why should I have to suffer, dig deeper, be unhappy so he can be happy?

You don't.

As to the first question of why-my answer to that is,
You don't get anything out of it PER SE.


What you get out of life(at least in most circles currently) is the choice to decide who you want to be with.

What you don't get, is the right to tell someone else who they have to be. That goes for the mono person and the poly person.

My boyfriend is mono. I NEVER EVER EVER have suggested that he HAS to accept me. That he has to work on his emotions. That he has to do ANYTHING.

I simply let him know-this is who I am.
He gets to choose if who I am works for him in regards to dating.

He let me know who he is.
I get to choose if who he is works for me in regards to dating.

Anyone else I am with (like my husband) is because I want to be with them.
Now-I am a person who prefers a more communal, friendly circle of friends and lovers. So I limit myself to dating people who get along with my current circle. My closest friends have been in my circle for over 20 years. My bf for 20 years and my husband for 15. I'm not prone to having friendships terminate.

But in regards to a mono person-they have the right to choose to stay or not. They have the right to be miserable with their jealousy, work through it, get over it or walk away from it. It IS an individual choice.

Likewise this is true for a poly person too.

Furthermore it's true when both partners are mono or both are poly. I can assure you I get nothing from my bf going to shoot the shit with his buddies. Idiotic conversation and behavior. Does nothing for me. But it is a part of who I am and I want to be with him so I choose to accept.
I get nothing from my husband going out partying with his drinking buddies. In fact, it worries the shit out of me, makes me sick to my stomach and tends to trigger anxiety issues. But I love him. So I choose to work through my shit and accept him. Since I don't want to be miserable with anxiety-I work through my anxiety issues and progress on managing them.

Choices.
We all have them.
 
I am glad to see your comfort level with Polyamory has done a 180 since you are unicorn hunting in the Dating and friendship section.
:rolleyes:
 
I am glad to see your comfort level with Polyamory has done a 180 since you are unicorn hunting in the Dating and friendship section.
:rolleyes:
To be fair here, a lot of the work needed to embrace this lifestyle for me is an ebb and flow of exploring online, chatting with people, and maybe finding a person that may be a right fit. It's a lot safer to explore the ideas online than in real life. So it doesn't surprise me that they are looking for a unicorn at the same time as working on her stuff...
 
Insecurity bitterness and jealousy are a great foundations to build a triad upon.

Feel sorry for whomever gets involved in that mess.
 
Insecurity bitterness and jealousy are a great foundations to build a triad upon.

Feel sorry for whomever gets involved in that mess.

It looks like the triad post was from June, and the Why post is recent. I still don't understand the negative 'eye rolling' comment? Maybe they are comfortable with a certain dynamic that they both can live with. Most of the comments in this thread are related to a more one-on-one dynamic between her partner and other lovers.
 
My best guess:

The original (title) question for this thread is essentially, "Why would I put up with this? What do I get out of it if hubby is out having romantic fun while I'm stuck at home suffering with jealousy and insecurity?"

In comparison, if tamlvscarl and her husband manage to build a HBB/unicorn style triad, then the answer to, "What does tamlvscarl get out of it," is that she gets an equally in-love-with-her partner just like her husband does. Hot threesome sex instead of tamlvscarl languishing away at home while her husband goes out and has all the fun.

Concerns: First of all, I'm confused. Didn't tamlvscarl want to be monogamous? Could be that was just a miscommunication, I suppose. Maybe she meant, "Well I am monogamous in practice even if I don't want to be in theory." One could say, "Well she and hubby should take turns tending the kids while the other goes out and dates. They shouldn't both have to date the same person." But, maybe tamlvscarl just doesn't want to be "the one at home," even on a turn-taking basis. If her husband is having fun, then she wants to be having fun too (at the same time). Otherwise, "What is she getting out of it?" Kind of a circular argument, I know.

Second of all, if tamlvscarl and her husband are looking for an MFF triad (Are they still looking? or did they give up on that?), then they need to be cautious so as not to become unicorn-hunters. This means being flexible about what they "require" of the woman they find, and really giving her equal say and status in how the triad relationship will be conducted.

It may be hard to build a fair triad if the new woman is always expected to have threesome sex with the original couple (never sex with just one of them). For one thing, this would mean she'd have to be equally in love with both husband and wife. In reality, it doesn't always work out that way. So we could still end up with the situation where hubby and the new girl are off in the master bedroom getting it on, while tamlvscarl is elsewhere in the house doing all the housework and kid-tending and "not-fun stuff," and once again asking herself, "Why would I put up with this? What am I getting out of it? Nothing!"

There are other minor questions such as, is tamlvscarl bisexual. If so, that detail didn't come out in this thread, and it might have been nice to know. Like I said, I was laboring under the impression that tamlvscarl *wanted* herself to be monogamous.

So we have some miscommunications, some misunderstandings, and some concerns to address if tamlvscarl and her husband imagine triad-building to be the solution to their problems. I think the real issue is, tamlvscarl will have to decide if she wants to make peace with the scenario of her and hubby taking turns having fun rather than always having fun together (although they can certainly still have fun together if they go out on special dates as a couple).

Giving the benefit of the doubt, Vicarious may be right to point out that the triad ad preceded this thread. It could mean that the triad-building idea is already on the cutting room floor, and things have morphed into a new situation where only hubby has someone to date. Maybe tamlvscarl still has her heart set on the triad idea and is bummed that the triad isn't materializing as planned? Having separate partners to date wouldn't fix that problem.

Surely adopting a little more flexibility and openness to approaching the problem in any number of ways is the best advice we could give at this juncture? Even if things don't pan out in life quite like we hoped, who's to say they couldn't turn out to be better than we had imagined?

So it's probably partly a situational problem, and partly a state-of-mind problem. Such is my best guess for right now.
 
Just wondering if her and hubby were going out and dateing eachother still? Just because you marry someone dosent mean you dont take them on dates any more. I point this out because of the "Love more than one" should not leave out any of your loves. The whole "adding to love" not taking away.

Jealousy = feeling neglected reguardless of the cause.
 
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