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Old 06-08-2012, 05:45 PM
genebean genebean is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 37
Exclamation shitty goddamn fucking feelings- a rant by yours truly.

I am angry, I am hurt, I am insecure, I am lost. But I am also powerful, loving, strong, affectionate and I will be there for people to a fault. I have not had the best of all lives thus far and it's left me a little worse for the ware, feeling above all things unworthy and it is terribly difficult for me to accept love. I give and give and give hoping to get a fraction in return but all it's gotten me is feeling an emotional deficit and a deep unrest with the person I am, physically and mentally. I have this nagging feeling of just not being good enough, I also have the feeling of inevitably (sp?) being left.

Lately this feeling has grown and I have been fighting it tooth and nail hoping not to get lost in it like I've done so many times before, I have a tendency to shut myself away from everyone and right now I have more close friends than at any other point in my life.

Because of my fears and insecurities polyamory scares the living shit out of me, and ironically enough, I am the one that brought up the idea in the first place. When I was younger (between 10 and 12) I watched a documentary on polyamory that showed two males and a female (who was expecting) in this amazing functioning little familial unit and I fell in love. The man (the one that was there first I guess) had inadvertinly fallen in love with another man and instead of trying to be secretive or ashamed of his feelings he came to the woman and told her, she approved and wanted to meet this man that her love had fallen for. They met and after a while a relationship blossumed between them aswell, thus forming a triad. I always kept the idea with me.

When I was 17, I developed my first serious crush on a woman (a girl more like it) and I came to realize that I would like to experience women aswell as men. A few months later I met my current boyfriend (polypenguin) and I told him that I am attracted to women too.. He said from the getgo that he was okay with me sleeping with women, which was nice but I didn't feel it a nagging necessity because I had fallen head over heels in love with him.

We had more or less put the idea on the backburner until I met a girl and we ended up kissing, innocent enough but it made me feel a need to experiment with women, I told him of this and also of the type of relationship I would like to have (2 women 1 man triad) and he loved the idea. Not just loved, set on it, like no matter what that's how things were gonna be. I felt okay with this new realization, like in time this will be my life. Well, because of work I was not able to go out to burningman last year until the last few days and I met up with him there and it's like a switch was flipped. It went from maybe this will happen to a flat out this (as in an open relationship) is how it's going to be and if you don't like it, then we are through. I mulled it over a little bit and decided to take a leap, hoping that this transition would be a catalyst for change and growth as human beings and as a couple also, not wanting to lose the person I love ofcourse.

About a month later we had our first experience with another couple, a foursome that went about as badly as was possible for that to go (if you don't know the story, I typed it up in another post titled "ugh, tough stuff" ) and I felt extremely hurt by the situation, burned by my too soon introduction into this whole thing, so ever since I've been so gun shy it's unreal. I am currently *kind of* seeing a woman and I have slept with another man (both of these situations with prior approval) and the inequality is driving polypenguin up a wall. I realize this and have offered several times to stop communication with both to relieve the tension surrounding it. He has told me he does not want me to stop seeing them, but continually gets upset about it. We have agreed upon a deadline for opening our relationship (this years burningman) and it is fast approaching. If i don't get all of my problems dealt with by then, I lose my lover, my best friend and my companion that I can still despite myself see myself sitting on a porch swing with when I'm 80.

I have come to the difficult decision that it is imperative that I go see a professional (a counselor, a therapist, whatever.) about my issues surrounding this whole thing so I sought one out that deals specifically in LGBITQ, spirituality and alternative lifestyles. This was amazing to find because my town is a bit po-dunk to find such a forward thinking therapist about. I then found out that she isn't accepting new patients until july and I feel time is of the essence in this case. It's very frustrating, like I said I am angry, I am hurt and I am insecure and I am scrambling to get over it all. I am not really so afraid of ending the relationship, I just can't give up unless I know without a shadow of a doubt that it's hopeless and I don't. I still see love in his eyes and feel warmth in his embrace. Uggghh, I don't know.

Last edited by genebean; 06-08-2012 at 07:32 PM. Reason: to add paragraph breaks
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