Wide Awake

I think you are wise to practice full disclosure proactively. I am glad your weekend has gone so well.
 
Good morning.

The past week has been a consistent high. We spent Wednesday night in Tunbridge Wells. We drove down after work. We had dinner at a cute, cosy Italian restaurant with our children. After our little duckies were in bed, we had an impromptu date night. We went and watched a jazz show, had drinks, and just talked. On Thursday, we took our children to see Dora the Explorer live. I am happy that my children enjoyed themselves. After, I took my daughter to Childrensalon, so she could get a little retail therapy in. We left RTW on Thursday afternoon. We stopped in Sevenoaks and had lunch. We made it home on Thursday evening. We had another date night. Just dinner and a play. I had a lovely time. On the marital side of my life, I must admit that I notice a huge difference. We are much more relaxed, easygoing, and just enjoying each other. This is the most relaxed I have been recently.

Now for the poly half of my life. Last year, two of our close friends got engaged. When the RSVPs were sent, obviously I was still with Si. I had the lovely +2. The six of us--including Nanny J--flew to Newcastle on Friday evening. Due to the amount of guests at this wedding, all of the hotels in the area were sold out, so the three of us are sharing a home for the weekend. It has been interesting because tomorrow (Monday) is our would have been 13th anniversary. It has been a mere 48 hours, and oh me oh my, if I had any ideas about living together, they would be long gone by now.

Obviously the anniversary situation is weighing on Si's mind. I know it does not help to have my DH showing PDA in front of her. Slight reminder that I "chose" him over her. I really did not. I chose the relationship that needed the most work. He likes touching and being touched. He has not been doing anything to spite her. It is nothing for him to kiss me, tell me he loves me, wrap his arms around my waist, or whisper in my ear. That is how we are at home, so I did not expect anything to change now that we are in a different setting. It has been really awkward. Friday night, we went to dinner. Of course, DH and I were being really flirty. I could tell it was making her uncomfortable, so I pulled him to the side and kind of asked him to tone it down. Since then, I have been thinking that it was the wrong move. He was only being himself, and I asked him to stop to appease the likes of her. Bad move. I was not sure how to handle it. Those old habits are not dying. In that moment, I basically put her feelings above his, and he has not said anything about it. It is something we need to discuss. I feel like I owe him an apology for being inconsiderate and basically dismissive of his feelings. Am I wrong in thinking like this?

After dinner, we stopped by the train station to pick up our friend who had flown from LAX to LHR and then, hopped on a three hour train ride. She was good and tired. We had cocktails when we got back to the house. She retired early, so once again it was just the three of us. He was holding back from showing PDA. The energy was awkward, so I told her good-night and went to bed with him.

From Friday night after dinner to about 3:30 PM yesterday, we were at the house. We were all getting dressed and ready for the wedding, which did not start until 5 PM. DH took our children and Nanny J out for a late breakfast. We just had food delivered. It was nice to have some bonding time with my female counterparts. When the three of us are in a room together, it is like no one knows what to do. I was getting my hair curled and getting my hat secured. DH kissed me before my lips were done. Si was in there, and I swear her eyes were like burning me. Do you know how you just feel someone's eyes on you? It was not like she could just walk out with a curling iron in her hair and someone working on her face and nails.

I was grateful when the driver pulled up. We chatted with him, and he was telling us about how long he has known the family and all of that. It broke the awkwardness of the three of us being in close quarters. The wedding was beautiful, and the bride was beaming from the moment the doors opened. It was magical.

The reception was one of epic proportions. Complete with a fireworks display. The entire day was beautiful, and I could not be happier for the couple. From the readings by her brother and his brother to the music selections to their first dance. It was definitely what they wanted, and they were happy.

Towards the end of the night, I snuggled up with DH and watched the fireworks. I actually did think for a minute, "This time last year, I would have been enjoying this with both of loves," but those thoughts left pretty quickly. I got lost in the moment, the love, the beauty, the setting, and thoroughly enjoyed it. It was the perfect romantic setting, and it added to that certain magic of the entire day. As the fireworks were going off and illuminating in the sky, "At Last" by Etta James playing. At another point, Celine Dion's, "Because You Love Me" was playing.

We retired for the evening. Our children were sleep when we got in. Si decided to go out and enjoy the afterparty. I heard her come in about an hour ago. DH and I had a nice wee hour of the AM chat. We took a shower, had a couple of glasses of champers, and ate cake. After, we cuddled and made love. I fell asleep in his arms. Perfect day (IMO). Perfect night. Full of love.

I am not sure how I will handle the next time the three of us have to be in a confined space for a set amount of time. I cannot disregard DH's feelings. At the same time, I feel like it would be wrong of me to ignore someone's obvious discomfort. Could she just excuse herself? Yes, but that seems dramatic. It is impossible to remain neutral when in the middle of two people you love. I do know how I handled things at dinner was wrong. If it is this awkward and we are just friends, imagine how it will be if we resume a relationship. All this weekend has proved is poly is not even on my radar. I can only take so many awkward vibes and uncomfortable/squeamish moments. It is best to deal with them separately.

In non-relationship news, we are leaving London on the 30th. Seven whole days. Our last days of work are the 26th and 28th, respectively. My daughter's going away party with all of her little friends is Friday evening. Our families and friends are giving us a going away dinner. I know to wear waterproof mascara that night. Though we have been planning this for a year, it is bittersweet. The sadness is hitting me now because before it seemed far off. Now, we are on the real countdown. Here is to new beginnings. :)
 
I am not sure how I will handle the next time the three of us have to be in a confined space for a set amount of time. I cannot disregard DH's feelings. At the same time, I feel like it would be wrong of me to ignore someone's obvious discomfort. Could she just excuse herself? Yes, but that seems dramatic. It is impossible to remain neutral when in the middle of two people you love. I do know how I handled things at dinner was wrong. If it is this awkward and we are just friends, imagine how it will be if we resume a relationship.

Well, surely this PDA question is something you could, and probably should, discuss with both Matt and Si, separately. I've been in a room with my ex h and my current gf more than once... at first I didn't show gf much affection in front of the ex, but after 6 months to a year, I did. Let him deal with his emotions around that.

But if you and Si resumed your romantic relationship, ideally you'd all have developed compersion by then and PDAs between you and either love would be acceptable. Or not. I know in some Vs people do refrain in front of the other. Just needs to be talked about.

Good luck with the move! It's going to be a huge change.
 
Well, surely this PDA question is something you could, and probably should, discuss with both Matt and Si, separately. I've been in a room with my ex h and my current gf more than once... at first I didn't show gf much affection in front of the ex, but after 6 months to a year, I did. Let him deal with his emotions around that.

But if you and Si resumed your romantic relationship, ideally you'd all have developed compersion by then and PDAs between you and either love would be acceptable. Or not. I know in some Vs people do refrain in front of the other. Just needs to be talked about.

Good luck with the move! It's going to be a huge change.

It is something that will be discussed because resuming the relationship is in the future. No set date and time, but it is going to happen. He asked for a reprieve from poly, but he has no issue with me actually resuming the relationship. Reprieve for me just means more time to repair our marriage and strengthen our weaknesses. The amount of time is TBD. No rush, though. Hopefully at that point, compersion will be high, and this will not be an issue. If necessary, we could put a boundary in place for no PDA when the three of us are together. In the past, they did not have a problem with it, but with his modified and tailor made DADT policy, that may very well change.

This weekend was the first time that the three of us have all been in one place for a period longer than a couple of hours, since the fallout. Usually, there are other people around, so any awkwardness is minimal. I kept wondering if she felt like the proverbial third wheel, which is also why I ended up limiting contact and controlling the amount of affection. Lesson learned.

Thank you! I am ready to get this moving business over with. I hope you and miss p are enjoying your new home. :D
 
Good morning.
Of course, DH and I were being really flirty. I could tell it was making her uncomfortable, so I pulled him to the side and kind of asked him to tone it down. Since then, I have been thinking that it was the wrong move. He was only being himself, and I asked him to stop to appease the likes of her. Bad move. I was not sure how to handle it. Those old habits are not dying. In that moment, I basically put her feelings above his, and he has not said anything about it. It is something we need to discuss. I feel like I owe him an apology for being inconsiderate and basically dismissive of his feelings. Am I wrong in thinking like this?

I feel like chiming in here... "to appease the likes of her" seems a bit offensive to me I just had to say. If you're going to resume a relationship with her at some point (and if I were her, I couldn't say what you write in here makes it sound very appealing) its not about putting HIS needs first or HER needs first, it's got to be somewhat about compromise. That means you being willing to say "hey honey, I think Si is uncomfortable, can we have less PDA for the rest of the night and talk about the subject later? It means you say the same to her if he is uncomfortable. Everybody states their wants and needs and you work hard to get as many met as possible.

It doesn't have to mean (and I think it shouldn't) you ignore anyone's feelings or that one person always gets their way, or gets to do what they want all the time and the other people just have to suck it up. Sure you can say "I worry I was dismissive of your feelings" but were you going to go apologize to Si for being inconsiderate and dismissive of HER feelings as you ignored her discomfort? Seems like practicing balance is still something you have some work to do on, as it looks to be a recurring theme in your relationships.
 
Compromise? That is a foreign and non-existent term in my life these days. Balance in the two relationships was lost a long time ago. Try years ago. It is going to be a long time until it is back at 100. It is stalled right now because there are no other romantic relationships to balance. Even when there is another one, balance still will not be restored. My husband has an arsenal of stipulations and new boundaries that grow by the day.

No, I was not going to apologise to her, and when I saw it was a problem, it stopped. Unfortunately, it caused a problem between my husband and myself. I knew it was going to come up, and it did. Our first poly related session with our new doc was this morning, so it was the perfect time to address it. Let's just say it would serve me well to get comfortable in my new found mono marriage.
 
Good morning.

It has been an interesting couple of days. We returned home from Northumberland on Sunday. It was a pretty standard evening in the S-LA household. We had Sunday dinner with my parents at the Waterside Inn. We returned home after to prepare for our last week of work. Sunday was just a very calm day.

Yesterday was my would have been anniversary with Si. To mark the day, we had lunch together. It was a nice lunch. We had the chance to talk. After lunch, I went back to work. We went to Heathrow to see Si off. She left for Australia last night, and I think it delighted my DH. A whole week without having to see her, talk to her, be around her, or anything else? He was all too happy when he saw the flight take off.

On the drive back, he expressed discontentment over the weekend and the whole PDA situation. I knew it was coming. Matt likes to think about things before just blurting them out. Basically, he felt that I was dismissive of his feelings and needs, and he does not care for the way I act when she is around. As he put it, "Bloody bending over backwards to be accommodating for her and forgetting that I, too, have feelings and needs of my own. Say what you want, but you pushed me to the side in favour of her again. More so, someone that you are not even with right now." He thinks that I am reverting back to my old ways of putting her first. It stirred up some negative feelings in him. We just kind of dropped it because he did not want to talk about it right then. He was pissed off when we went to bed.

Our therapy session started at 7:15. Despite it being via video conference, she picked up on the tension immediately. She referred to me as being a chameleon and changing to match the environment. Matt never changes. He is who he is. She said I was so caught up in how she was feeling, her comfort, and what she needed, that I ignored Matt. On the flipside, his feelings were more of an afterthought for me. His comfort was never considered. In essence, he was told to limit how much he touched me--his wife--for someone who is just a friend. Even I cannot make any right out of that. I was very dismissive, and I apologised for that. I know that he is affectionate, so asking him to stop for someone who is an obvious trigger and still a sore spot? I was asking for trouble. I felt the need to change how we act because of her feelings. I never stopped to ask him. I just told him. Was it considerate to her? Yes. Was it considerate to him? No. Was there a compromise that could have been made? No PDA if she is in the room or within view? So we have to secretly be affectionate towards one another to avoid offending her and making her uncomfortable? Maybe that is not quite as bad as it seems, but it sounds awful. I thought about what he needed after the damage had already been done. For future reference, if it feels wrong, it is wrong. It did feel wrong, and it was wrong. This is an old habit, and I have to break it. Balance needs to be restored. She gave us a few tips for handling that next time. Little does she know, there will not be a next time.

She addressed his arsenal of stipulations for being tolerant of me having another relationship. They are defence mechanisms to insure that what happened from 2008 to March 2013 will never happen again. Now that I am looking at that list, it makes all the sense in the world. In theory, there is nothing wrong with his list. Everyone is entitled to have boundaries. She asked him to come up with consequences and to also rate the things on a scale, with the highest number being something that is divorce worthy, if the boundary is broken. It will be interesting to hear which items are divorce worthy.

I am happy that the two sessions are separate. We spent the entire time talking about poly this morning. We have our regular marriage counselling session later on in the week. DH and I have not really talked. We had breakfast with our children, and then, he left. I think he is still in deep thought about something. When he is ready, he will come and talk to me. My ex is a trigger for him, so I am determined to keep them apart. The only time they need to be around each other is for counselling. Other than that, even social events are off-limits now.

Our highest highs are when there is no mention of her or poly. Our lowest lows are when she is around and he has to hear or talk about poly. The happiest he has been was the week we spent in Australia. There was a no poly discussion ban. He was 16k away from my ex. It was the perfect week for him.

I have to get started at work, but I hope the day gets better.
 
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I just read a thread about DADT.

My DH wants a modified version of DADT. Only it is not DADT. It is more, "Do not tell me, if it does not involve me." Basically, my relationship will be my business and keep it away from him. His words. Not mine. He has explicitly stated that he will have zero interest in the relationship, and he does not want the two paths to cross. He drew out a picture in counselling. You know how a Venn Diagram crosses in the middle? This will not be a Venn Diagram. Our marriage, family, and life together had one circle, and my future relationship with her, poly, and anything pertaining to that side of my life were in the other circle. I asked him if he would feel left out of part of my life? His response, "Hard to feel left out of something that means nothing to you." Wow. He seriously wants no part of a poly marriage, and he will do whatever it takes to make sure he has no contact with it. The only times my two "circles" will cross is during that once a week meeting. Other than that, I will simultaneously be living two different lives.

He does not want to be out after we move, so measures will have to be taken to insure that the "secret" stays in the bottle. As if that will really be a problem with me seeing her for one overnight a week and maybe lunch dates during the week. He wants to continue implementing the measures we have already taken to insure that our children are seeing enough of us. Breakfast and dinner as a family every day. There is no excuse now because the amount of call we will be on will be limited now. That is the only exception. He still expects the minimum of two hours of one-one-one QT every day. He told me in counselling, "You can live your life the way you want, but you are not dragging me down a path that I refuse to walk down. Being out is my hard limit, and I am not doing it again." Not being out means that I will be able to continue to build a relationship with my MIL and not have to worry about Matt sacrificing his relationship with her to defend me, but it also means that Si will still not be able to be around them for family related events, holidays, or anything else. She has been snubbed by them many times over, but I know it still bothers her to this day. It is one hell of a façade; pretending to be mono to keep the peace and secretly living another life. This sounds like something that will cause pain and heartbreak.

I am confident in our therapist's abilities, but I doubt that she will ever make Matt be tolerant or accepting of poly again. He has made it clear that my two lives must never intersect, and she must not be a co-primary because he feels like I lack the ability to balance two relationships with everything else on my plate. He is right. My schedule is not opening up. After the move, I may have more free time, but it will not be idle time. After the move, the things I was doing here will be replaced by new hobbies and responsibilities there. I am not going to say these sessions will be a waste, but if any of the goals are to get Matt "on board" with the idea of poly, we can discontinue them now. He admitted that he does not trust Si. He believes she may be sorry for what happened, but he said that she is going to have to start from the dirt and build her way up to earn his trust back. Until she does, there will be no contact with our children, and he intends on keeping her at a safe distance from him, too. He said that meeting once a week in a therapist's office is more than enough for now. Once they start attending the weekly sessions, things may change again. I am not expecting some magical breakthrough. I have no idea what to expect.

It has been almost four months since the fallout. I am just taking it day by day.
 
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FoL, you are very empathic towards Si and your husband.

Are you going to be able to carry on two lives? What is the toll of this arrangement on you?

I get that you couldn't manage both relationships in the past, but you live and you learn.

What if Si were out of the picture? Could you be someone who lived a double life?
 
I get that you couldn't manage both relationships in the past, but you live and you learn.

Don't forget, the learning part takes time and practice in small doses. I think that is what FOL is trying to do. You don't just one day wake up and decide to go out and run a marathon. You have to get in shape, train, stumble and fall, pull out the ice packs and pain meds... rinse and repeat until finally you are ready to run that marathon. It may take years.

For the record. I think you guys are doing well. Matt didn't sit and stew about what happened, he brought it up and addressed it. You recognized that you screwed up almost immediately and started to look at how to not repeat it, even before he said anything. Then you took it to your counselor. I would say this is progress from how things happened in the past.
 
FoL, you are very empathic towards Si and your husband.

Are you going to be able to carry on two lives? What is the toll of this arrangement on you?

I get that you couldn't manage both relationships in the past, but you live and you learn.

What if Si were out of the picture? Could you be someone who lived a double life?

I feel empathy for both sides, and it makes it impossible to try and be neutral.

I have no idea if I am going to be able to do that. I guess that is why the question of, "Is it worth it," something I ask myself every day? Realistically, I cannot even explain why I want another relationship. My mum asked me the same thing, and I just stared at her. She was like, "What are you seeking, [insert given name here]?" The answer is nothing. My husband is meeting all of my needs. Three and half months ago, I could say that I was not getting the emotional support, but I also have to remember that my actions were directly responsible for him distancing himself from me. I believe the toll will be one that no one expected. I think it has the propensity to drain me and wear me out.

It was not only poor management, but it was the loss of balance and selfishness that really did us in. This past weekend a couple of those old habits came out. The new me knew it felt wrong, but the old me thought it was comfortable and familiar, which made it easy. I acknowledged that it felt wrong, and that I should not have done that. That is massive improvement for me. Before I would have recognised it and shrugged it off.

With or without her around, living a double life would not be easy for me. I would have to train myself to do it, and it would have to be honed like an art. To his family, our new colleagues, and anyone we encounter after the move, I will appear to be 1/2 of a traditional marriage and mother of two. Publicly at least. To those who know us best, my family, and everyone else who has known us over the past several years, I would once again be the poly wife with a mono husband, two children, and a girlfriend. It is already confusing and headache inducing. I would have to be mindful of how I act and what I say while out with her. One slip-up could lead to problems. Imagine if one of our respective colleagues saw me out on a date with her, and it got back to him. Suddenly, I could be painted as the cheating wife. The entire thing would be tedious, like I was cheating, and she was dirty little secret.

I am not seeing the appealing side. Maybe I am missing it. I get to be "myself" and have my relationship again. Only, it will be completely hidden because my spouse has made it clear that being out is not even an option, and he has a list of stipulations and limits on top of that. I am missing the good and happy part of this.
 
Don't forget, the learning part takes time and practice in small doses. I think that is what FOL is trying to do. You don't just one day wake up and decide to go out and run a marathon. You have to get in shape, train, stumble and fall, pull out the ice packs and pain meds... rinse and repeat until finally you are ready to run that marathon. It may take years.

For the record. I think you guys are doing well. Matt didn't sit and stew about what happened, he brought it up and addressed it. You recognized that you screwed up almost immediately and started to look at how to not repeat it, even before he said anything. Then you took it to your counselor. I would say this is progress from how things happened in the past.

We are in training. Rigorous and sometimes painful training and personally, it is whipping my butt into shape. I am not ready for the race, yet. In due time. We are learning what does and does not work. The three of us being together at a social event? Awkward and uncomfortable. Not a good idea. With the seating arrangement, I was seated in between the two of them. I did not think to ask the bride if it could be changed. With 500+ guests, it did not seem like it was worth it to bug her with that. A year ago, that would have been fine. I was happy we had a rowdy bunch at our table, so the awkwardness dissipated relatively quickly. I was grateful that the DJ kept everyone on the floor all night. Some slower songs were played, but the bride and groom's first dance was to, "Moves Like Jagger," so it was a very relaxed environment. The open bar helped, too.

We are getting much better at problem solving. He takes a day or two to think certain things over, but he eventually comes to me and tells me whatever it is. The good thing is I am listening to him and hearing him out. We are not arguing any more. We disagree, but if things start getting too heated, we agree to back away from it, calm down, and meet at a later point. Like I said, it felt wrong, and I went in to, "How to avoid this again," mode. We talked about it over dinner and agreed to some more terms. We have all agreed that right now, their interactions only need to be during counselling. She called me when she landed, and I told her what happened and how we would like to proceed. She agreed that limiting contact was for the best, and it would give them both much needed space and breathing room. They are no longer working with one another, and the next several weeks will keep us all busy, so there will be no need for them to be around one another. It seems like everyone is happy with that.
 
Work to Do.

We had a counselling session this morning per my husband's request. It was a surprise to me. I was notified at the last minute. It was not the most pleasant of experiences. Apparently, he has been doing research on poly, and he concludes that he shifted from an equal in our marriage to that of a secondary, with my relationship with Si having "couples privilege" over my marriage. She did have a level of veto power. I did put her feelings before his. Everything a secondary dreads is what I did to him. Everything but breaking up per her request. She never asked that I do that. It was like I was married to HER and simply dating him. Is it any wonder that he has zero desire to ever be exposed to poly again? I said it during the session, and I will say it again. I treated him like a second class citizen and a secondary. The amount of time I spent with him and our family...wow. It was like I was just visiting our home and him and not living with him despite my name being on the mortgage. I was at her place just that much. Many times over I would renege on plans with him and go with her. Like I told our therapist, there was no balance. I was complacent with our marriage. I took him for granted because he was the legal spouse, thus in my mind, it made the marriage the more secure of the two. I treated him differently. I held him to a different standard. He was already giving 1000%, but I was pushing for more. It makes no sense to me. Instead of balancing my resources like I did the first eight years, I lost track of that, and I put him in the role of a secondary without even realising it. Making decisions that would affect him and not consulting with him. When I read the proposed secondary's bill of rights, it read like a page from the book of my poly life. He asked me, "Now, do my boundaries make sense to you?" Yes, they do. He is not trying to control me or dictate how I live my life. He is trying to make sure he does not walk through and live poly hell again and become my secondary, while putting in effort like before. He was not receiving what he was giving. While I was being deceptive, making plans without him, and granting another person equal rights and access to our children, his importance was slipping down the totem pole. Our therapist and Matt were waiting on me to come to this realisation.

The other realisation was just how much my choices affected my child. She asked her a few basic questions, and my child being my child said more than the simple, "yes" or "no." It started with a simple, "Do you remember me?" She said yes because they had cupcakes together and played with Barbies. They did do that while we were on our holiday. She said that she spent more time with her daddy and brother than with me because I was always gone with "my friend." She said who it was. Si. She asked her if she missed me. She responded, "Yes." She asked if she spent a lot of time with just Matt and myself? She said, "No. Mummy or daddy." Emphasis on the "or." It broke my heart to hear that. She looked at me several times when answering the questions like she was trying to make sure it was okay to say it and trying not to hurt my feelings. It made me feel awful to hear that from my child. I am sorry I was not there for my baby when she wanted me to be.

Once she finished talking to her, she talked to us. Matt opened up to me. I finally understand the extent of the damage. It was one of the hardest conversations we have had. He said that he went from feeling important in my life to being expendable and like he could be replaced. He said, "I put up with your bullshit and made excuses for it to help myself sleep at night. I tricked myself into believing those excuses and that it would get better. I reached my breaking point. I knew I deserved better than how you were treating me. I was in hell. What you did over the weekend? Sweetheart, you set off a domino effect of triggers and put me right back in the place where I hated and where I have finally escaped from. I have a question for you. What did I do to deserve to be treated like your bitch and your secondary?" It was said in a very calm way and in a serious manner. Our therapist tried to intervene and give us a break. This conversation was bound to happen. With or without her. I told her that I was going to answer it. "Nothing." He asked another question. "Was your treatment of me punishment for loving you, supporting you, meeting your needs, etc.?" I could not answer that. Who punishes someone for being supportive in every sense of the word? Who punishes someone for being that shoulder they can cry on? Why punishes someone for loving them with all your many hang-ups and flaws? Who punishes someone for loving them at what they believe to be their worst and continues to love them just as if they were at their best? Apparently me. He felt like my treatment of him was punishment for him being good to me. People treat their abusive spouses better than I treated my husband, who has never disrespected me or laid a hand on me.

We talked about how he ended up in a relationship with her. Basically, it was the temporary transference of his feelings and emotions. I was absent, and ironically she was around more than me. Even if it was just in a professional capacity, she was still around him more than me. They developed a friendship and spent time together. At that point, my neglect of him and our marriage had been going on for the greater part of four years. On top of that and my fucked up choices, I was busy with work, so it kept me away, too. It all boils down to him wanting to feel respected, needed, important, and loved. The things he no longer felt with me. With me, he felt disrespected, unimportant, expendable, and loved at certain times. He sought someone else to get what he had been telling me he needed all along. He realised that being with someone else was not what he wanted. Thus, poly was not the path for him. Despite how I treated him, he only wanted those things from me. I was too busy with work and Si to tend to his needs. He came out and said today, "She was not you. I cared for her, but I only wanted you, [insert given name]. That is why I stopped sleeping with her and wanted to end the relationship as soon as it started. I knew it was not going to last."

The notion of living of a poly life again is a trigger for Matt. She told me that I was missing that completely and only thinking of myself and what I wanted. He said, "Just like before." He came out and said that the thought of it scares him. It takes him to a place where he can see the past five years happening all over again. He just broke free from whatever he was going through all those years, and I am trying to take him right back and risk it happening again. She asked him, "Is there a benefit in living poly for you, Matt?" He said, "No." She asked him, "Are there any risks in it for you?" He said, "Yes." She asked him to list some of those risks. Each one was valid and very concise. Sadly, they could all happen.

Matt was pretty candid. He is not convinced that I even want to be with Si again. He thinks I am empathetic and wanting to make amends because I am the one who broke her heart. At this very moment, I cannot explain why I want to get back in a relationship with her. I cannot explain what being a polyamourist will bring or has even brought to my life. I do not consider myself polyamourous. It is not my orientation. It is not my state of being. It was something I CHOSE to practice. It is not a need. It is really not even a want. It is solely an option for me. This is not how some others approach non-mono relationships. My way works for me and worked for past loves, but it may not work for this marriage. My therapist was keen to point that out. As well as some other things that I had not thought of.

We have a date tonight, and we have agreed not to discuss anything from today until we have had time to process all that was said. We have our regular marital counselling tomorrow morning. Three sessions in a week? I hope this is not the new standard for us. I know we have issues, but my goodness. I am not trying to see her that much. Twice a week is enough!

I have quite a bit to think about, but I am happy that we had the session. This could not wait until our next poly related session. Some questions have finally been answered. I am not upset about anything he said. I appreciate conversations that challenge me and force us to be vulnerable with one another. I know he is feeling much better. He took our children to get ice cream, but outside of that we have been together all day.

Interesting day, but no one said the repair process was going to be easy or pleasant, right? :)
 
If it's any consolation, I, too, feel that I repaid my spouse poorly for her unflagging loyalty to me. How we wish we could turn back the clock and amend our choices, am I right? We can only live and work in the present, and plan tentatively for an uncertain future.

I'm glad you guys are slowly working through the healing process.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Oh absolutely, Kevin. The question I am left with, "Is why is he still here now? That question is all but haunting me?" I have been left dissatisfied with his answers to it. It has nothing to do with him, though.

It was hard to heal properly without knowing all the facts. Another small step, so it is a positive thing.
 
Oh absolutely, Kevin. The question I am left with is: "Why is he still here now?" That question is all but haunting me.

1) He loves you, despite it all
2) For the kids
3) You're smart, and successful career-wise
4) You're pretty and look good on his arm on dates and at career related functions
5) The sex is good, when you manage
6) You're both Sloane Rangers, same social strata
7) Divorce is a PITA
8) He has low self esteem (despite the bluster) and doesn't really believe deep down, he can get someone better than you
 
Matt and I had a date last night. It was not the traditional date. We decided to go to places that had a special meaning to us. The place where we had our first date. The club where we danced and had fun until the wee hours of the morning. Every place we went to had some special meaning behind it. We had dinner at an old favourite. It was romantic and relaxing. We talked, laughed, and reconnected after what was easily one of the most tense days we have had yet. He asked me to dance, and the song was, "Make You Feel My Love," by Adele. (I love her version.) The dance was perfect. It was like there was no one else in the room. When you are that lost in someone and in a moment that feels that perfect, there are no words for it. After dinner, we went to Boujis. We needed to have a little fun. We spent many nights there. We did Crack Baby shots and danced. I loved letting my hair down and letting go of some of the seriousness for once. I need to do that more often. We went to 5 Hertford Street and just talked. By then, we wanted a snack. We ended up at Duck and Waffle. We stayed long enough to watch the sunrise from the 40th floor. Simple moments are what my heart beats for.

We made it home a bit after 5:30. It felt weird coming in after the sun was already up. Our children were still sleeping. Nanny J was already up. We talked to her over tea. It was a funny and light-hearted conversation. Matt and I took a shower and headed to sleep. I had to work for the first few hours of the day, so I took a nap. He was still knocked out when I left. I left him a note on my pillow. He sent a text when he read it. I appreciated that. We are ten times healthier. I cannot explain how happy that makes me.

Since Matt was at home most of the day, he had the pleasure of setting up for our daughter's party and sleepover. All of her friends RSVPed. We are about to have a house full of very active little girls, who will be hyped up on sugar. Give me strength. We are having our going away party tomorrow, so we figured it would only be right for her to have one with her friends. My son's birthday party is Sunday. Busy weekend, and I cannot believe we are leaving Sunday night. Where did the week go?

I have not talked to Si much since she moved. It is a nine hour time difference, so our schedules have not aligned very well this week. I do know that she has settled in nicely. Her first day of orientation with her new job was today. She e-mailed me several pictures and video footage of her new place. It is beautiful, and it reflects her style. Monochromatic with a bold pop of colour interjected. It is very state of the art. It reminds me of a smart home. Keyless entry where the lights, music, and air conditioning can be programmed to come on upon entry in to the home. The one feature that I love is the 180 bottle wine wall. Forget a wine cellar. She loves it there, and judging by the latest e-mail, her new job is a great fit. I am beyond happy that she is adjusting so well and enjoying herself. The past four months have probably been hard on her, so if she is happy, then I am happy for her.

I do want to talk to her about why she would agree to Matt's terms. I want to do it face to face. I could just e-mail her about this, but I prefer not to. She might be thinking like me, "Since I caused this, I am not in the position to ask for compromises that would be self-serving." It could be more of a guilt related reaction. I just kind of want to understand why she would agree to only being able to see me for one overnight a week and all the other items on his list. I know I cannot control anyone's emotions or feelings but my own, but I find myself wondering, "Is she really going to be happy seeing me maybe 10 hours every week (including lunch dates) and maybe one date a week?" I know the quality of the time spent is better than the quantity of time, but is it possible to get your needs met with an arrangement like this? I am not concerned about my needs. They are already being met by him, but I cannot help but wonder about hers? I wonder because she has already stated that if we get back together, she has no interest in dating anyone else. I offered an option like before. Staying closed with the option to re-open if she wanted to because it was her idea to close our relationship. She knows what she does and does not want, and I have to respect that. Maybe we can set some time aside next weekend.

I need to go mingle with our guests and greet everyone. Their parents are staying put for awhile. Thank goodness for that.
 
1) He loves you, despite it all
2) For the kids
3) You're smart, and successful career-wise
4) You're pretty and look good on his arm on dates and at career related functions
5) The sex is good, when you manage
6) You're both Sloane Rangers, same social strata
7) Divorce is a PITA
8) He has low self esteem (despite the bluster) and doesn't really believe deep down, he can get someone better than you

1) I know he loves me. I foolishly took him for granted.
2) He is family oriented, so I know our children played a huge role in the decision to stay put.
3) Good point. I am independent. He loves that with or without him, I can stand on my own two feet.
4) He looks even better on my arm. He can be my man candy.
5) Indeed. With no implant in, I am surprised I am not pregnant right now.
6) Sloane Rangers who skipped out on the fast lives some of our counterparts have lead. You should see some of these people. At our friends wedding I found myself looking at the some of guests and wondering, "Why are you 31 but look every bit of 50 and like you have lead the hardest life?" All that boozing it up and all the drugs have done them no favours.
7) It is. 110%. I would rather stay married and legally separated than deal with a divorce. Having a difficult ex would make it all the more challenging.
8) He knew he could get someone better, so it is definitely not self-esteem. Matt is very confident and sure of himself. It is one of the things that attracted me to him. Confidence is one of the sexiest non-physical attributes. He tries to see the best in everyone. My guess is he sees the good in me that is worth loving.
 
As for Si, maybe she is an independent type and doesn't need as much connection per week? I am just guessing. If she is only bowing to Matt's requirements out of guilt, that wouldn't be such a good thing.
 
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