Questions from Newbie

It's Me :)

Hi Everybody!
I am Jamee's G/F..........Just wanted to say Hello :)
Thanks for helping to keep my girl sane thru all the craziness we've been living lately.....I think we are finally learning to work thru things together without wanting to throw in the towel every time something new comes up!! Yay!!
Its amazing how your whole life can change in an instant....For the first time in my life I get to love two people and be loved by two people at the same time....its overwhelming, amazing, frustrating, exciting, and a little crazy........but at the end of the day....It's WORTH it!! :rolleyes:
 
I believe, his issue is mostly with Pinky's kids. He is an only child and is used to having everything to himself. He's a pretty quiet kid and is not very outgoing. He likes to play video games and chat with his g/f on Xbox...and that's about it. He's not a fan of kids at all. Pinky's kids are 3, 8 and 13. Sometimes we have "family night" and everyone is over - the first couple of times it was all ok, now it's "annoying." he's 16 - everything is annoying. lol

Woot, you can chat with XBox these days :eek:?

Teenagers have rooms where they can bolt themselves up and exist for weeks at a time with very little input from the outside world. Maybe telling him it's okay if he gets a little overwhelmed during 'family time' to take a breather and close the door behind him?

And hullo, Pinky!
 
Very glad to read that y'all are hangin' in there!

I'll add one bit about jealousy...it never fully goes away. But what really helps for me is to stop and think "Is this jealousy coming out of selfishness?" And you know what? For me, 9 times outta 10, it is! :eek: I have to stop and tell myself "Don't be selfish! They deserve some fun too!"
If it's real bad, I'll just tell my partners..."Hey...I felt a little left out yesterday. It's not your fault...it's just me....but can I be the center of attention tonight please? I'd really appreciate it." With that calm, up-front honesty and sincerity, the results are great. :cool:
 
Very glad to read that y'all are hangin' in there!

I'll add one bit about jealousy...it never fully goes away. But what really helps for me is to stop and think "Is this jealousy coming out of selfishness?" And you know what? For me, 9 times outta 10, it is! :cool:

I struggle with jealousy sometimes and being the girlfriend of 2 married people, I do feel left out sometimes because there are things they share within their relationship that I am not and will never be part of, just like there are things that I share with each one of them individually. It is very natural to want all of your lover's attention but you have to learn to rationalize and really look at the validity of your feelings when you AND your lover have more than one lover. So I have learned to do the same thing....I've learned to step back and say..."Is this legitimate or am I being insecure and selfish?" and most of the time I am just being selfish. It's like, I want my time alone with each of them and with all of us together, but I get jealous when they have time alone? How silly is that? Me being with them alone or together doesn't make them love each other any less, so why would spending time alone without me make them love me any less? It doesn't! If anything, it makes them miss me, which isn't always such a bad thing when you all come back together :D ALSO, I am with two people that remind me daily how much they love me and do their best to never make me feel left out of anything in their life. In reality, 90% of the time, I'm getting double the attention, not half....so in the end...the amount of love and attention I receive far out weighs those temporary moments of jealousy and insecurity.
 
Wow! I've just read through the whole thread from start to finish. (I admit that I skimmed pretty briskly over some comments: it's nearly 4:30am and I should have been in bed hours ago.) Bit of a roller coaster! It started out great... hubby and gf are fighting... I can't handle this, we're calling it quits... I'm not happy like this, either, I miss her...

I am so glad that you're all giving it a chance! (and hey: Hi, Pinky! Glad you added to this thread.) Not because poly is right for everyone, but because you all really seem to love each other and it would be a real shame to let old wounds keep you from present and future happiness - even if that happiness needs to be worked at.

Jamee, do you think that you could ask the other 2 to hold you in their arms (at the same time), maybe rock you gently back and forth and croon: "We are NOT your father: we will NOT abandon you. You mean too much to both of us for us to do something stupid like that..."

There are three main reasons for abandonment
a) ceasing to love somebody,
b) continuing to love them, but feeling that you need to be on your own in order to grow,
c) discovering that you've found somebody else to love.

c) If your husband and gf have each found somebody else to love, in both cases it's not somebody that they feel they have to leave you for, in order for them to be together.
b) Well, there's all the potential for growth anyone could ask for in making this thing work... and work well.
a) It could happen. It does happen to others all the time. But there's no reason for it to happen because of your polyamorous trango. ("It takes 3 to trango.")

In my opinion, most couples breaking up is either for reason #1: c) or #2: a). And in the case of a), it's often a case of boredom. Polyamory has its own problems... but it ain't boring!

+++

As for your son: you might hint to him that he could feel pretty special and proud:cool: for having parents on the cutting edge of exploring new forms of relating...:D;)
 
:)

Jamee, do you think that you could ask the other 2 to hold you in their arms (at the same time), maybe rock you gently back and forth and croon: "We are NOT your father: we will NOT abandon you. You mean too much to both of us for us to do something stupid like that..."
Mr. FarFrom Right - this brought tears to my eyes. I can tell that you really have thought about me and my feelings here, and that touches me. Thanks so much. I'm ready to give it a shot! :)

+++
As for your son: you might hint to him that he could feel pretty special and proud:cool: for having parents on the cutting edge of exploring new forms of relating...:D;)
HA! I love this!!! Although he is way too cool right now to give us credit for being cutting edge. LOL
 
Mr. FarFrom Right - this brought tears to my eyes. I can tell that you really have thought about me and my feelings here, and that touches me. Thanks so much. I'm ready to give it a shot! :)
Aw, shucks!:eek::eek::eek::)
HA! I love this!!! Although he is way too cool right now to give us credit for being cutting edge. LOL
If he`s so cool:cool:, ask him if he could handle being in this situation!:cool::cool::cool: (I'll see your cool and raise you 2 cools...)
 
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do you think that you could ask the other 2 to hold you in their arms (at the same time), maybe rock you gently back and forth and croon: "We are NOT your father: we will NOT abandon you. You mean too much to both of us for us to do something stupid like that..."
I have withheld the urge to say this sooner and finally Jamee has said that I can be the perv that she knows I am and say this........
When I first read this portion of your post, I thought.......
We do this already...the crooning and rocking and all....but we have our clothes off and we don't ever mention Jamee's Dad.....that would be so creepy ;)
But we're gonna try it this way...with our clothes on....if it'll help my girl out!!! :D
 
Checking In :)

Wow! I can't believe it's been almost three months since my last postings.

So much has happened, I don't even know where to begin.

We have had ups and downs lately. Including a short stretch with LOTS of downs, but WE MADE IT! Our bond grows stronger each and every day. I think we can really do this :)

My next big hurdle is telling my Mother. EEK! :eek:

The plan is to get some coffee this weekend, take a ride thru the country and lay it out there. Can someone talk me out of this? lol Kidding. My mother and I are pretty close. I think she will be ok with it eventually, if not immediately. But I am dreading it. I'm an only child, the "golden" child. I am afraid she will never look at me the same again. Is that rational? Probably not, but I am such a great procrastinator that I can make myself believe it. :p

Any suggestions? I have no idea how to begin this conversation. This is what I've come up with...

"so, you know my friend Pinky.....Yeah. she's swell. I really like her....a lot....and hubby does too."

"have you ever met someone you felt you've known all your life....."

"You know how you always wanted more grandkids?"

"this is gonna sound really wierd, but....Hubby and I have decided to bring another girl with three kids into our family. Yeah, we're fucking. All of us."


Love you guys! You make me feel slightly normal :)
 
"this is gonna sound really wierd, but....Hubby and I have decided to bring another girl with three kids into our family. Yeah, we're fucking. All of us."[/I]

If it were me, I think I would stick with just:
"Hubby and I have decided to bring another girl with three kids into our family."

If she asks direct questions answer them, but IMO don't see any need to say anything about who is having sex with whom.
 
Oh lordy! If I know my Mom. That will not be even CLOSE to enough information!

But really, I agree. I don't really want to get into the details about who sleeps with whom, but I really think it's an important part of the story.
 
I did it!

Mom is checked off the list of "needs to know."

Over lunch, I spilled it. She took it very well. All I really said was...you know my friend, Pinky? Well, Poppa and I both like her a lot."
Mom: What?
Me: We both REALLY like her.
Mom: Are you talking about a threesome or something?
Me: Yeah, kind of...but it's more than just sex...

She was worried about me, of course. She doesn't want to see anything bad happen to me. Is worried about Poppa running off with Pinky, etc.

I assured her we all were fully aware of the complications and are committed to working together.

I feel so much better! I think my hands were shaking before I started. Whew!
 
I knew it couldn't be that easy...

Mom is checked off the list of "needs to know."

Over lunch, I spilled it. She took it very well.

That was the understatement of the century.

So....mom had a couple of days to stew on it and has decided she needs to call Pinky's mom and talk with her about it. I thought it would be nice for us all to go to lunch, but she won't have that. She wants to meet with Pinky's mom alone to find out what she REALLY thinks.

I do not think this is a good idea.

I asked mom, "so what if she all thinks we are evil and are going to hell?" Mom said, "I guess we'll be in agreement."

This can't be good.

In addition to that...obviously Pinky's mom doesn't want to be sent into the Lion's den. Don't you all agree that it would be better NOT to let the moms get together alone? That scares the shit out of me. In addition...I'm 38 fucking years old! What is this, high school? Pinky and JameeDee are in trouble and our MOMs are going to talk about it?

Now there is all this added stress cuz my mom seems to be trippin! I was really just trying to do the right thing. Now EVERYTHING Is fucked up.

Pinky is mad cuz I was irritated about my mom last night and she wanted to be left alone this morning. I left her alone and vented to Poppa. Poppa is mad cuz Pinky is mad at me. He got onto her enough so they're fighting now. I get a text from her this morning that she's done. So then I had to make an emergency trip to her house on my lunch break to see WTF was going on.

OMG what a fucking mess! I feel it's all my fault for spilling the beans and adding stress to the situation. FML

I think we're all feeling stress cuz this is getting REAL. I want it. I am ready for the looks, the stress, I would even relocate to a larger city. I feel like I've jumped in with both feet - eyes wide open. And my partners have jumped ship all of the sudden.

Sorry...just had to vent to someone. Love you guys!

3 xanax in to a Tuesday...this can't turn out well.
 
Aww, JD :( I'm feelin' for ya. You took a brave leap and it got messy -- but I give you credit for being REAL. Once this all settles (and it will, somehow) you can hold onto that anyway. How other people react is not in our control.

I hope it all works out for you. What's that saying? -- "It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end." Good luck, sweetie.
 
:)

Thanks, Carma.

I hope, with all my heart, that it will be ok.
 
This can settle....my biggest concern is you guys all turning on each other. This is when you need to stand together and show them you are all healthy and taken care of. If your energy is saying the opposite of what you mouth is they will notice.

As far as it being like high school...yup. Parents need to leave thier adult children alone unless someone's health is at risk (especially children).

Good luck...it took us about 6 months to overcome RP's parent's fears and concerns.
 
Mono,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. 6 months? Holy hell.
 
My mom is still processing after finding out 5 months ago. My husband's mother thinks I had an affair and it is over. And my BF's mother will NEVER know!

You are brave. You are going to make it through all of this. Trust us! :D
 
I'm so sorry you are going through that. I don't really advocate for coming out to parents when its older people. I guess because I see them as just people in our lives and that they really don't need to be privy to information that is nothing to do with them. I don't feel I owe them information just as I don't feel I owe anyone else info that is not my immediate family.

I dunno, I guess its a matter of your closeness to your parents. I chose my family. I love my parents and intend to stay close to them on care, but I rely on my chosen family now for support. And to stand by me.

Its a tough call for me really as I am a strong advocate for coming out in general, but I guess I just wouldn't question coming out as much with the senior generation. I more than likely would just leave it. I just think it causes more grief than its worth.

Did you read our story of coming out? It takes some time. You can find many if you do a tag search for "coming out." It might help.
 
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