poly or swinging

Bottom line is ...my personal deffinition of swinging or poly may not be the same as anyone elses, but it is just that....my opinion.
We are all entitled to our opinions and shouldn't we be respecting the right of others to have their own opinions. We don't have to agree, just respect!

I agree. What makes me feel disconcerted is when others seek to highlight dynamics which exist in other's relationships as "not really being poly" because it differs from the activities they themselves engage in or the way they practice polyamory.

It may cynical... but the swingers can keep what they have. The ones I met this summer, made it perfectly clear that I was somehow lacking.

Do you feel this one encounter is indicative of how swingers generally behave?

I have encountered poly women who have had bad experiences with poly couples because of attitudes not dissimilar to what you described.

I would feel loathe to paint a broad brush over any group because of an experience I had with just one portion of it. However that is my approach and may not be others.

~Raven~
 
Do you feel this one encounter is indicative of how swingers generally behave?
~Raven~
[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry if I was unclear. I do not feel that all swingers behave this way. I was giving a specific example of these couples. Not all the couples we met were condescending and rude. But over two nights, in two different towns, the overall experience for me was not one I would care to repeat.

I would have felt no differently if they were poly or mono. It wasn't because they were swingers that I had a difficult time, it was their attitude towards my partners and myself that I objected too. They were disrepectful to myself and my partners. What should have been a joyous and fun time turned into the three of us defending our relationship.

We've had to explain our relationship to many people over the years, I just never expected to be put in a position of having to defend our relationship to friends who also live an open lifestyle.

I can't speak for Tommy and Sea, but I can say that we've discussed that weekend at great length, and they were no less surprised by their attitude then I was. They were probably more disappointed then I was. I respect their right to choose to live their lives as they do, I'm just sorry the didnt respect ours.

Again I will apologize for making such a broad statement in saying swingers can keep what they have, but for me, whether you're open or closed in your relationship, I believe that I deserve the same respect that I have afforded you.
 
I'm sorry if I was unclear. I do not feel that all swingers behave this way. I was giving a specific example of these couples. Not all the couples we met were condescending and rude. But over two nights, in two different towns, the overall experience for me was not one I would care to repeat.

I would have felt no differently if they were poly or mono. It wasn't because they were swingers that I had a difficult time, it was their attitude towards my partners and myself that I objected too. They were disrepectful to myself and my partners. What should have been a joyous and fun time turned into the three of us defending our relationship.

We've had to explain our relationship to many people over the years, I just never expected to be put in a position of having to defend our relationship to friends who also live an open lifestyle.

I can't speak for Tommy and Sea, but I can say that we've discussed that weekend at great length, and they were no less surprised by their attitude then I was. They were probably more disappointed then I was. I respect their right to choose to live their lives as they do, I'm just sorry the didnt respect ours.

Again I will apologize for making such a broad statement in saying swingers can keep what they have, but for me, whether you're open or closed in your relationship, I believe that I deserve the same respect that I have afforded you.

Thank you for clarifying Sweetie. I completely agree.

Behavior and disrespect of this nature from any is unacceptable. I'm sorry you had that negative experience. I'll never understand such intolerant attitudes from those who would want to be treated with acceptance especially within alternative communities.

~Raven~
 
I do not feel that all swingers behave this way. I was giving a specific example of these couples. Not all the couples we met were condescending and rude. But over two nights, in two different towns, the overall experience for me was not one I would care to repeat.
I think that neither the poly nor the swinger community is free of people who feel that acting boorishly is acceptable. Luckily I think that there are enough well-mannered people in both to counter the bullies and asses.

They were disrepectful to myself and my partners. What should have been a joyous and fun time turned into the three of us defending our relationship.
See, I don't think there is any excuse for them for making you feel that way.

We've had to explain our relationship to many people over the years, I just never expected to be put in a position of having to defend our relationship to friends who also live an open lifestyle.
Actually, this is something I have found is more common than you think in non-mainstream society. No matter what your approach and attitude is there are those that will assert that you are "doing it wrong" and force you to defend your own decisions. Whether it's relationship style, paganism, or BDSM - someone will be there not respecting your own decisions as your own and will be rudely challenging you on them, as if they have some sort of moral monopoly (or at least superiority) in that particular niche.
 
someone will be there not respecting your own decisions as your own and will be rudely challenging you on them, as if they have some sort of moral monopoly (or at least superiority) in that particular niche.

Last night I listened to a radio documentary on CBC 90.5 that talked about morality. There was a study conducted on certain personality types that constantly need to feel right. They found that the sensation and physiological brian response those people felt when considering themselves right was the same as the "rewards" drug users and gamblers experience. They are essentially addicted to being right and cannot see or accept an opposing view.
 
Last night I listened to a radio documentary on CBC 90.5 that talked about morality. There was a study conducted on certain personality types that constantly need to feel right. They found that the sensation and physiological brian response those people felt when considering themselves right was the same as the "rewards" drug users and gamblers experience. They are essentially addicted to being right and cannot see or accept an opposing view.

That's fascinating. I've seen that response quite a few times on this forum. The reaction of some here to differing views can be passive aggressive to full out violent. Interesting tidbit you brought forth. Now I suppose I will see those who react in that way as drug addicts. I wonder if there is a 12 step program for those sad people.

~Raven~
 
The need to label

I'm new here. After reading most of this thread, what struck me the most was how on every site I've checked out and every group I've been around,
(swinger, BDSM, fetish, poly, vintage trailer, modern design enthusiasts, 'spiritual' people, essential oil lovers, pagans, etc., etc., ) there is the tendency to speak from an 'US and THEM' perspective. I realize it is human nature to want to belong and feel a part of, but I also feel a personal dedication to catch myself when I'm doing it and really try to stay open.

I am what is know as a unicorn (single woman)in the swinger world. I did not want involvement past a certain level. In 3 years, that world provided me what I needed to go fully into my sexuality and find out more about myself than 15 years of therapy, workshops, meditation, etc. I have found power in myself as a woman that I never knew I had. I have become an amazing lover with many skills. I have learned so much about sexuality in general and I'm still learning how much more there always is to learn.

Many swingers are against poly. Many poly people seem to be judgmental about swinging. There are narrow minded people everywhere. I don't want to be against anything... I strive to connect with the open, free spirited, happy people who don't have to label themselves or others to feel safe.

I always idealized poly as the future for me and now it may be happening with someone I met through swinging. Allowing the LOVE force to flow through me again is fantastic, healing and a blessed feeling. I do not feel I would have been ready for this and all the challenges it presents had I not done the swinger thing first.

So grateful to have found this site.
 
Welcome & thanks !

.........but I also feel a personal dedication to catch myself when I'm doing it and really try to stay open.
................
Many swingers are against poly. Many poly people seem to be judgmental about swinging. There are narrow minded people everywhere. I don't want to be against anything... I strive to connect with the open, free spirited, happy people who don't have to label themselves or others to feel safe.
.................
Allowing the LOVE force to flow through me again is fantastic, healing and a blessed feeling.

Hi Lovebird and thanks for stopping in and sharing your thoughts.

I agree that for the most part the folks I see contribute here are pretty aware of the human frailties inherent in the beast.

Fear of change (our views etc) is always one of those big ones. There's safety (false) in thinking we have it all "figured out". Hey - it's where religion got such a deep foothold !

Happy to see you dug deep into your own personal sexuality and continue to. Very healthy and to be admired !

GS
 
Many swingers are against poly. Many poly people seem to be judgmental about swinging. There are narrow minded people everywhere. I don't want to be against anything...
I share your views on this very strongly. I am not a swinger, nor do I have any interest in it, but just because it's not something that I want to do doesn't mean that I look down on it or think that is is in some way "inferior".

I have heard people say that one was some sort of natural evolution from the other - I don't hold with that any more than I hold with open relationships being someone intrinsically "better" than monogamous ones.

Just because we have different priorities and needs in life doesn't mean that we can't respect those differences.
 
Polyamory / Swinging

Hi I'm new to poly and feel like a reluctant participant...A woman I met a few months ago is into it. It's been a challenge getting my head around her various lovers and it's made me question our motives.

Is it just about sex or love? What's the difference between polyamory and swinging?

Thanks.

Sunil.
 
Just my $.02.

Polyamory is about multiple love relationships, or if not full on "being in love," definite fondness.

Swinging seems to be about sex parties, or at the very least, 2 couple wife swapping. Mainstream swinging is about male/female sex. Or FF. MM sex seems to be frowned upon. Devloping feelings of love seems to throw a monkey wrench into the works.

Poly people usually have sex one on one. Whether a MF couple, MM, FF, or transpeople. Occasionally a poly couple will become a triad, and there can be 3way sex. Or not.
 
Hi Magdlyn,

Thanks for that insight..It seems poly is much more about investment in loving relationships rather than just about sex.

How many partners do poly people tend to cultivate, on average? Can the numbers be quite high or does it tend to be 2 or 3 lovers per person in a poly relationship?

Sunil.
 
Well, it varies, but it seems to me most responsible poly people try not to spread themselves too thin.
 
Hi Magdlyn,

Thanks for that insight..It seems poly is much more about investment in loving relationships rather than just about sex.

How many partners do poly people tend to cultivate, on average? Can the numbers be quite high or does it tend to be 2 or 3 lovers per person in a poly relationship?

Sunil.


Most of the questions you'll probably ask have been answered here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1830

You should read around on the forum, learn the lingo, etc., and THEN ask questions that have not been answered and/or are specific to your situation.

You're asking some pretty basic questions which suggests to me that you haven't done your "homework" already. There is a lot that has already been written on here which is timely advice and you will find that there are a lot of people who went through the same thing you're going through, who are no longer around to write a brand-new answer in reply to your posts.

(Folks - that was "sugar-coated" for "RTFM")
 
New to poly

I have been into swinging for many years now & never knew poly existed. I always knew that I preferred to play with a few select men. I discovered poly on a TV special and have been hooked on it since. I am so much more comfortable getting to know a man, trusting him with my heart and body than a stranger. My marriage is and always has been open, my husband however does not feel that he could ever live under one roof but encourages me to seek a constant lover in my life. :)
 
I know for a fact I could NEVER swing. I view poly as a very special commitment with the people involved...... but thats just me. While swinging isnt for us... those that do... no skin off my nose.. just dont expect ME to do that sort of bit.
 
Hubby and I swung for 6 years, until we ended up in a Poly relationship. Throughout those years, we always knew that we would like a situation, where we could have a small group of swing friends, that we could do more with, rather than just have sex. Things like hang out, have cookouts, go shopping, etc. We have now been in a relationship, as a quad, for just under a year (anniversary Mar 15th). We have not gone to a party, since. We really enjoy our relationship with our BF/GF. They live two houses up, so we're together all the time...basically live out of two houses. Some of our old crowd of swing friends, wish we would come back, but they don't understand Poly at all. At the end of swinging, I had a BF for about a year and a half, before this relationship started. I now know, that I was Poly all along, I just didn't know it existed, and what I was doing, was not an open relationship. I know that I couldn't go back to swinging, it just isn't me, and it never was.
Neon....we went to Coventry once, talk about a beautiful area...what an awesome place. Friends of ours (swing) actually got married there, in the summer of 09'. It only took us about an hour to get comfortable, and off the clothes came. What an interesting wedding it was, as most could imagine. They had a wonderful buffet that night and a dance, and we were welcomed in, like family. We will be going back this summer, we enjoyed it that much.
:) Candi
 
I'm not really sure what exactly I identify as yet but I do know it's not swinging. I definitely need an emotional connection to be physical with someone. Even to cuddle or hold hands. Last night I was at a club with my SO, OSO and two other friends. My OSO and I haven't ever had any in depth discussion on the relationships, I just let him take care of it with her. Then, last night, a guy invited her and myself to hang out. He knew that she was married and asked her what lifestyle she and her husband (my so) had. She waffled, said they were kind of open. And then he asked her if they were poly and she said, no, definitely not. Inside, I made the :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: face. I was pretty tipsy and I'd never heard her talk about it, so I just let her go with it. But I definitely felt freaked out. She then said that she considered them to be 'kind of swingers.' They do not have sex with random people. Nor do they fuck around with random people. He does stuff with me, but I hardly count as random. She's only ever had sex with him. A lot of their friends are swingers. And I mean, what am I, if they're just 'swinging'? So needless to say, I did not sleep well. I called him this morning and was like WTF? He said he'd ask her about it. So I hope that means that at least he and I are on the same page? I'm not going to assume anything. Ahh, terminology. I think that both swinging and poly are valid but it's pretty clear that not everyone's cut out for both.
 
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