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Old 03-22-2014, 12:51 PM
SkeertAquarian SkeertAquarian is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 3
Question Prying open a partially-open relationship?

Hi all, been lurking here and doing lots of reading for a while now. Figured it was time to step up. This is gonna be long! Skip on down to the end if you want the point without all the background.

I've known I was poly for a long time, since I was a teenager (I'm in my 30s now). I've been in several relationship configurations including two m/f/f triads, one where I was primary and another secondary.

I am currently married (2nd marriage) to an awesome man. We have been together for almost seven years and married for three. We live together with my son from first marriage (who husband considers as his own child) and our young daughter. We have our issues like any couple, but we've been through a lot and I think our relationship is about as stable as it can be considering the crazies (us) that are involved in it.

We have been semi-open for most of our relationship. The rules were always simple; girls only, and nothing beyond kissing happens without the other person there. Mostly it has been casual with others, but once or twice we have liked the third enough to discuss bringing her full-on into our relationship. Yes, go ahead and say it, we were unicorn hunting. I'm very aware of the cliche and the issues that go with it. Nevertheless, that's what we were hoping for.
I had never really considered renegotiating those rules until recently. I like girls, he likes girls, I was totally fine with him having feelings for another girl without me feeling threatened, it seemed simple.

But (you knew it was coming!), recently I have been wondering if it would be possible to open the possibility of having another (secondary) male partner. Now, my husband is straight and would get no direct benefit from opening the relationship this way. And yes, I have a specific reason for wondering. A friend that I have known since the beginning of my first marriage (10+ years ago). We have always been attracted to each other but never pursued anything. Recently, however, our feelings for each other have intensified - a lot - and I'm pretty scared. He has stated straight out that he does not want me risking my marriage for him, which I really appreciate (makes me like him even more!), and we both agreed not to make any further steps in a romantic direction. In fact, we've both backed off very close to the point of barely being friends, although of course the knowledge of our feelings is still there.

Since I do not consider leaving my husband or cheating on him to be options, I feel I am left with a choice between two things. 1 - Bury my feelings for my friend and let go of the possibility of there ever being more there OR 2 - Broach the subject with my husband and hope he doesn’t decide to leave me.
On one hand, I feel that my husband totally understands the idea of polyamory, since he has been open to having multiple people in our relationship. On the other hand, however, the addition of another man in any capacity has never, ever been a consideration.

So. Suck it up or take the plunge?

Questions I know will be asked:
- Yes, I want to keep my marriage. I love my husband very much and do not want to leave him.
- Yes, I would be fine with my husband having a secondary relationship that had nothing to do with me.
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