NRE (New Relationship Energy) - Merged Threads, General Discussion

Don't make changes to agreements while in NRE.
DO schedule extra time with the partner you aren't caught up in NRE over.
Don't break boundaries/agreements.
Do schedule times to not talk about the new partner.
Do schedule time to talk about all the reasons you adore the partner you aren't in NRE over.
Do romance the partner you aren't in NRE over.
 
Be a grown-up and don't act like a fucking five-year-old with ADHD who just got turned loose in a room full of sugar.
 
LR, thanks. Very helpful list.
BG, not so helpful. In fact, rather insulting.
 
Thats a great question. Especially since i am not the subject of the NRE in my sitiation. In fact...i feel pushed aside totally. I would suggest DEFINITELY tell ur new "friend" to go home once in a while so u can spend time with ur life partner once in a while. And dont think that EVERY damn thing her or her kids do is so friggin great. Remember who has been with u...through thick and thin...good times and bad...for the last 15 years. And respect them for that. And remember ur life partner needs just as much time with u...if not more...especially since they r monogamous.
 
Not 'thinking' or 'feeling' something is unrealistic. What is realistic is not acting or repeating.

Its a lot like new parents, they are enamored by everything their baby does. But no one else wants to hear about every detail and no one else wants to talk exclusively about your new baby.

Likewise-your partner may not want to hear about your new partner daily and in fact may want to hear about your relationship together!

I mysekf have never experienced NRE in poly. However-it has nearly destroyed our family when my husband has experienced it.

Also-remind yourself that the base truth is-all of those good feelings are chemicals dumped into your brain- they will fade. Its NOT that this new person is perfect. Its just a chemical bath you are taking that feels great. The same way meth addicts start out.

For me personally-I have a rule for myself. I don't see new people more than once a week and preferably in a group dynamic for at least a year. Also-I limit conversations to no more than a handful of texts in any given week. Same duration of time.
Sexual contact of any kind-not until after AT LEAST a year or two of being a friend that socializes comfortably with my whole family/household.

It allows me to build friendships while holding all of that excitement at arms length-never letting the fire burn out of control. It also means my life loves have PLENTY of time to build their own friendships with my potentials and to grow comfortable with them before negotiating my romantic entanglements.

But, I dont know anyone else like me in that regard.
 
Seeing it for what it is

May be one of the most important things to do. Because it is awful hard to teach your mind to recognize all the situations where the reality it believes in, is not what it appears to be.

Just by asking the question you posed in this thread you seem to be on the right track. That is a good sign you won't be one of the ones who let NRE blinders damage several relationships beyond repair before they recognized the pattern.

It is a lot like knowing the limit on how much you can drink without sacrificing the next day to being devastatingly hung over. And one step further, not drinking past that point.

The ones who learned the lessons the hard way and are willing to give you advice so that you can benefit from their experience are the best people to talk to. Just don't be one of the people who only truly comprehend the lesson after several damaged beyond repair relationships, nor seek advice from someone who has reason to be bitter if you can be the person who understands those hard learned lessons from listening.

perhaps just as important, is to be forgiving to a person who damages their relationship with you while under the influence of NRE (within reason as obviously not all damages are equal)
 
In NRE it is common to be distracted from everything else in life and feel like you're only able to think about this cool new person you met. I find it good to make some space and time for that feeling, but also to balance it out by making the effort to be really present in other things you do and for other people in your life. So, have time with the new person and some time sending exciting emails or texts with them and to fret over how great you feel that person is.

Have some time with a friend to tell them about her/him and be all excited. Then do something else with your friend and ask what is going on in their life. Same with existing partners. Tone down the OMG-the-coolest-person-EVER factor, but let them know that you like this person, and if they are open to hearing about it also tell them some of the reasons why. And then talk about other stuff and do other stuff and really be present in that. The thoughts about your new interest will pop up when you're doing something else but ignore them and focus on the person you're with. And don't text or whatever with the new person continuously, that's hell of annoying. You can ignore the thought you had or the text they sent if you are doing something else. And then when you are done, you can again have time to think about/message with the new person.
 
LR, thanks. Very helpful list.
BG, not so helpful. In fact, rather insulting.

Yeah, it is very insulting when an adult acts like a fucking five-year-old with ADHD in a room full of sugar because of NRE. So don't do it.
 
Hopping over here from your other thread :)

You know, I think that the most important thing is to start by talking to your partner and finding out what their triggers are, what they care about, what helps. But, here's what I've figured out about what I need when my partner is going through NRE. (I say 'primary' and 'secondary' here, but just use them as they fit to you).

- New not Perfect - NRE wears off, but makes the New Person glow like the sun. Time reveals quirks, flaws, annoyances. Nobody is perfect.

- make your relationship a priority - don't bad-mouth your partner to New Person and always project a solid front, regardless of what is going on at home. Never tell New Person that your partner is feeling insecure, unless your partner specifically requests that you reveal that. Avoid comparing New Person to your partner, even if you do it inside your head. (Telling them that they make you hotter than anyone ever has, or that they are the only person you can talk to, doesn't sound good for your primary relationship and really won't go down well if your partner ever finds out you've said it).

- decide on a level of honesty together - I want to be told about events immediately, not days later. I want to know if my girlfriend is staying up until 4am every morning chatting with someone. I never want to be lied to.

- decide how much to share - I don't need full disclosure, I don't need all the soppy or gory details. New Person is in NRE too... and hearing their tongue scrape on the floor over my girlfriend can create possessiveness that I don't need to feel.

- act as a partnership - my girlfriend used to do things, THEN inform me. She'd make dates and tell me she'd made a date. Give her number out to online guys, then tell me she'd done it. That made me feel unimportant. Nowadays, she tries to discuss it with me before she does it, which makes me feel like a consideration = less insecurity = less problems about NRE.

- time - how much is too much? It depends on your life, how busy you are, how much your husband thinks is too much. If my GF talks to someone for hours and hours daily, it bothers me (fear). If she's neglecting our relationship, or work, or daughter, etc, because of all these talks, that's when I speak up (reasonable). For me, more than 2-3 talks a week is a bit much, yet it's usually what I have to deal with, since my GF likes to talk a lot.

- timing - what's been going on lately? have I been dating many other people, on top of New Person and primary? Could my primary use a break? Am I putting too much stress on my relationship? Any life events in the family like losing a job, moving house, death, depression, money worries, sexual problems? Fawning all over New Person right now isn't a good idea.

- perception - do we really need to say "the chemistry is HOT... I just want to rip his clothes off and fuck the living shit out of him..." or "he's so intelligent... he's really quite amazing... he sent me this beautiful email..." ..... you know what? probably not. Is it better to say, "yeah, so far things look good, I'm hoping he'll be a good fit and time will tell."? If you blow things out of proportion, how do you expect your partner to stay rational?

- balance - one of the most important things of all, really. If you're in a healthy poly relationship and not just seeking others to escape a crappy marriage, you're hopefully feeling even more love for your husband, even in the middle of talking to New Person. That's how I feel every time I go on a date. I feel so thankful to have met someone who can let me enjoy these things, that I just swell with love for her. And that's how I want her to feel. So we have to make sure that we make time, not just for our partner, but for our RELATIONSHIP.. if we value it.

- agree to be told bluntly - I was shocked when my girlfriend once got upset with me, because apparently one week, she'd called me and I'd asked her to wait for half an hour because I was talking online to New Person. I was shocked, because I felt like I've always had to wait around for my GF while she talks to New People. In fact, I used to drop New Person as soon as girlfriend called.... but that week, I'd decided to stop doing that, because I figured that must be the right thing to do. Once we'd got it out in the open, we find it much easier to pay attention when the other person says that we are getting wrapped up with New Person. Agree to be told bluntly, discuss, put your opinion across and not become defensive.

- guidelines - make them now if you haven't already... and don't break them! One of our guidelines (we have nine and they are not hard rules) is to let each other know if our location is going to change or become private, during the first 3-5 dates. This is for safety, mostly. It also helps the person on the date to stop, think about the other partners, and decide whether or not they are moving too fast. This summer, my GF met a guy and on the second date, she met him at the a coffee shop, then went back to his and basically made out. She didn't text anyone to let them know. She basically forgot the guideline, in the heat of the moment and in her lust-haze. It's ok ... we are all human... it's not a huge deal... but it doesn't help your partners to chill out about New Person... and it doesn't exactly build the trust between you and your partner when they break a guideline.

- the little things - do you normally make your partner breakfast, always go to bed with him at night, always kiss in the morning, always text him at work, or some other little thing? whatever it might be... don't stop doing it.

- ask questions - don't wait for your partner to come to you with an issue about your NRE... check in with them. Even have a weekly/fortnightly one-hour chat over a meal out somewhere about poly. (My GF and her husband do this and it really helps). Ask how they're finding it and if they need anything.

- don't avoid the cracks - if the sex life between you and your partner slows down whilst you are talking to New Person, now isn't the time to start/continue being sexual with New Person. My GF and I recently went through a month-long sex drought, because we were too tired, overworked, etc. My GF decided, in all her wisdom, to heat things up with New Guy during this time. Sexting with him all day and regularly at night. She couldn't understand it when I questioned whether she was satisfied with our sex life. She was truly dumbfounded. So, from my experience, even if a dip in your sex life with your partner (or any other thing you usually do together) is unrelated to New Person Mania, you can bet that your partner will make a connection. Get your relationship sorted before you throw yourself into a New One.

The following article is something that's really helped me. It is about jealousy and insecurity, more than just NRE, but many of the things in there might be helpful to keep you and your partner grounded during these times:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

Good luck! :)
 
Never tell New Person that your partner is feeling insecure, unless your partner specifically requests that you reveal that.
...
- act as a partnership - my girlfriend used to do things, THEN inform me. She'd make dates and tell me she'd made a date. Give her number out to online guys, then tell me she'd done it. That made me feel unimportant. Nowadays, she tries to discuss it with me before she does it, which makes me feel like a consideration = less insecurity = less problems about NRE.

I actually disagree with both of these things. Not that those can't work for some but definitely wouldn't work for me or be something I would advice.

To the first, I don't see why I couldn't share with a new person the basic fact that my partner is feeling insecure. Moreover, if you're trying to build a relationship with the new person I even consider it something they may need to know. It is not uncommon to sometimes feel insecure and it is totally understandable. If the new person used information about my partner's insecurities in a harmful way, I would know they are not somebody I want to have a relationship with.

To the second, I would rather advice to treat poly as other things in life. I.e. if you negotiate with your partner about it when you will go out with friends, also negotiate about it when to go on a date. But if you are autonomous in your decisions in other things, treat poly similarly. I am definitely one to make my own plans and inform my partners about them; I only negotiate if it is something that directly involves and affects them (e.g. having somebody sleep over at the flat I share with my partner). I believe my partners trust me to make decisions that take them into account, and I also expect them to let me know any information relevant to decision-making and ask if they would like something to be done differently in the future.
 
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New Relationship Energy running amok....

My husband and I are new to poly, too.

I have a lover that I have been involved with for about a month. My husband is looking (we've been married for 10+ years with 2 children), though if I weren't poly, he probably would not be looking at all. He struggles much more than I do with this arrangement emotionally. We are a little freaked out about how this is going to affect our family and home and social life.

I feel so happy at times with living my life freely and finally feeling like ME.

BUT, can I introduce my lover to friends and walk around the town holding hands? No, not yet. Can I have my lover here at our house so we can all hang out together? No, not yet. Is it realistic to think any of this can even happen?
When? How soon? All this stuff will be hard for me. I'm impatient with these things.

Any advice out there on how to take things one step at a time and not get too carried away with the new found liberation? Thanks.
 
Well, the annoying answer is "it depends." :p No one here can give you a definitive time frame, as it's different for everyone.

One approach is to go about that the other way. YOU set a definitive time frame. Tell your husband that you need to be able to fully express your other relationships to be happy, and negotiate a date when those things will start to happen. Then he has the responsibility to work on his insecurities by that time. Perhaps leave a condition where he can ask for a little more time, but only if he's making some progress.

And it doesn't have to be a 0-60 timeframe. Maybe after 2 months, you tell your friends about your lover. Another month after that, you can hold hands in public. Baby steps.

Some things may never realistically happen. Lover coming over and everyone hanging out together could be one of them. It's your husband's home too, and his need to feel safe and secure in his home overrides your want to have your lover visit.

It may also be worthwhile for your husband and you to consider a "mono-poly" relationship. If he's not actually poly, what does he gain by spreading himself between more people than he's actually comfortable with?
 
Thanks for the insights. Much to consider.

Right now I should probably put all my energies into reciprocating the love that my husband has shown me. He's trying very hard to understand me and give me the space and freedom that I need.

I need to show him love by giving him the support and reassurance he needs. My post really upset him. And it's because my new relationship energy _is_ running amok....I need to stop being selfish and balance things out a little better, I think.
 
Hi bobcat,

I apologise in advance for my mammoth reply!!! Oh my God... apparently, I have a lot to say!

Congratulations on finding happiness and enjoying the excitement of a new partner.

My advice may sound a little blunt... but it is meant with good humour and my own hindsight about how I, and my GF, acted when we were new to poly.

I have a lover that I have been involved with for about a month.

I'm glad you mentioned NRE... because... hahaha... yes, I'm sure you're definitely still going through it. I have found that NRE has lasted about 3 months for me. Incidentally... even when I've thought they were the hottest, sweetest, most wonderful thing since sliced bread... after 3-6 months, I started to cool on each and every one of them. The same thing for my GF, actually, with her other partners.

My point here is that whilst you *may* have met a very good other partner and just *maybe* he will actually be worth all the trouble and work you'll have to go through.... remember that he might not.

Don't act rashly or selfishly now, because it may come to bite you in the ass.

One of the bad karma things about introducing new people to friends, family and children? It gets complicated. My ex-secondary-girlfriend took a real shine to my best friend. When I started cooling off on her, she started trying to get him to get the three of us to go out, etc. Now, it's awkward when they go out without me, because he can't really bring her back to our place to hang out, since I now think that the girl I first thought was amazing is an actual loon.... ;)

On a serious note, this is the only concern I have with poly and children. Kids can get seriously attached. Kids can get their hearts broken. Kids can also feel unsettled about new people coming to the house all the time. For this reason, we do not let our daughter meet secondaries. We'd have to know a secondary for at least 6-12 months to consider making an introduction. How you and your husband choose to navigate that is your own decision, though :)


...though if I weren't poly, he probably would not be looking at all. He struggles much more than I do with this arrangement emotionally.

And that's ok.

Some things I find useful to remember about poly:

1. Poly/Mono *can* work - and the mono person is not failing in any way; nor is less 'enlightened'

2. Different things trouble different people - there might be something that would bother you about poly; you just might not have had to be put through it yet

3. It's often different when the shoe is on the other foot (i.e. consider the future possibility of your husband falling in love and understand that you just might not feel as evenly about it as you might think right now)

4. Some people genuinely don't struggle as much with their love being with another. However, where is the greater strength? In not feeling any negative emotion? Or in feeling it and working through it? In my opinion, the latter is admirable.


The following is *my* personal belief on what it takes to know that poly is 'right' for you. To *me*, being 'good' at poly isn't at all about not feeling jealous. It's about asking yourself:

a) EMPATHY - can I *understand* my partner, who might be struggling?
b) NURTURING - can I *effectively* nourish my partner, to lessen their struggle, and to ensure that this polyship isn't all about my good times?
c) COMMUNICATION - can I discuss and negotiate well? Can I avoid dictation of rules? Can I be flexible?
d) COMMITMENT - Do I want to be *poly* or do I want to be *single*? Single means dating who you want, when you want, answering to only yourself. Poly means having multiple *relationships* - therefore, multiple commitments, of varying degrees.



We are a little freaked out about how this is going to affect our family and home and social life.

It's good that you are both considering this. Don't be freaked out. Do think before you act.

BUT, can I introduce my lover to friends and walk around the town holding hands? No, not yet. Can I have my lover here at our house so we can all hang out together? No, not yet. Is it realistic to think any of this can even happen?

Who says no - husband? Or yourself?

You have to start at the beginning.

Question 1:
Do I have a *greater* commitment to myself - or to my husband?

There's no right or wrong answer. It's up to you to decide.

If you are more committed to meeting your own needs and wants, then you will set up an autonomous structure based on that.

If you value your husband greatly and one of your greatest needs is to have him in your life, you'll set up a structure that is based on compromise - balancing what you want/need and what he wants/needs.

Question 2:
Particularly if you're more committed to your husband:

Are you following hierarchical poly (primary/secondary)? Or are you open to having two primaries (or non-labelled loves)?

If you're doing primary/secondary, then yes, you have to compromise. More than that... you have to *want* to compromise. Sure, I get frustrated sometimes when I want to do something and my girlfriend drags her feet. But she is my primary - my priority. I choose to put her in that place. I choose to consider her feelings and I genuinely *want* to make decisions that take her comfort into account. It's not really hard for me - I am high on empathy and nurturing. I struggle more on the jealousy side. Sometimes those who do not struggle with jealousy as much can be a bit more lacking on the empathy and nurturing side - so it's good to be aware of it, if it sounds like you, and try to balance it. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.


When? How soon? All this stuff will be hard for me. I'm impatient with these things.

Again, start at the beginning. Let's say you're following a primary/secondary model by *choice* because you *want* to consider your husband.

How soon is the balance between what you want and what he wants.

A tip?

I find that if I'm struggling to adjust to something, being rushed by my partner is incredibly, massively damaging. It makes me feel unsafe, like a failure and worse - it makes me feel hostile towards her for putting me in that position. Even if your brain is going "when when when when?!".... it genuinely can help not to vocalise that, in order to allow your loved one a safe place. Encouragement helps - saying things like "you are doing so amazingly well dealing with this - I love you so much more for it and am so proud of you".

For me, it's about reinforcing behaviour. If a partner is struggling, they're not feeling good, right? They will then associate poly with negative emotion. They can come to resent poly - or worse, resent you. If the active partner is getting what they want *and* wanting it faster, better, more, etc.... how is that going to make the struggling partner feel? Even more negative. BUT - if you try to teach your partner to associate good feelings with poly, it can make a world of difference. Showing your partner how poly has increased your love for them brings about a positive emotional response to poly, in your partner's psyche.

Any advice out there on how to take things one step at a time and not get too carried away with the new found liberation? Thanks.

It comes with experience.

As I said, for me, I pretty much know that the first 3-6 months are NRE-ville. During that time, I take care to:

- make dates with my primary partner
- give her extra love and attention, compliments, praise
- *ask* my primary if I'm doing ok balancing the NRE and if she has any requests or suggestions
- make sure I don't spend more time with new partner than old partner
- make sure I don't neglect my sex life with primary partner
- don't introduce new partners to friends during first 3 months (basically, I don't let them get saturated into my life too much)
- remember that I don't know the new person yet; everyone has flaws and this person will show theirs soon enough
- keep in mind how I would want to be treated, if I was watching my primary with someone else


I know from experience that there are few things worse than watching your partner go through NRE and handling it badly. Especially when poly is new - it can be a really hard time.

GalaGirl first posted this article on handling NRE and insecurity - it's amazingly useful:
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

After 18 months of verbal reassurance from my girlfriend, the thing that actually finally worked wonders for me was Sternberg's theory of love. Knowing that my girlfriend genuinely feels a consumate love for me helped me put her new lovers into perspective; because even if they ever got to the same stage we are at, it would take time; which would give me time to get used to it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

All of this being said, poly is of course about getting your own needs met. You shouldn't have to sacrifice everything. You can have what you want - but just have a think about what is more important - getting it in the kindest, roundest, best possible way? Or getting it fast and causing damage?
 
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BUT, can I introduce my lover to friends and walk around the town holding hands? No, not yet. Can I have my lover here at our house so we can all hang out together? No, not yet. Is it realistic to think any of this can even happen?
When? How soon? All this stuff will be hard for me. I'm impatient with these things.

Any advice out there on how to take things one step at a time and not get too carried away with the new found liberation? Thanks.

Hi Bobcat,

I'm in the same boat as you regarding being 'out' about my polyness. I'm married to Aquarius who's family is conservative. Our friends and extended family are conservative as well (I moved here from the SF Bay Area so I'm quite open about lifestyles as you might imagine).

I recently had a talk with Aquarius about coming out with polyamory - I don't fear judgement anymore and am quite content with myself. Coming out also re-affirms my commitment to absolute honesty, with everyone around me. Well, short story even shorter, the answer was a firm "no way."

My initial reaction was, internally, to take offence. I felt as if I was being told what to do. Once I thought about it in a different light I realised that I had to heed her advice, and for the foreseeable future simply maintain a monogamous, hetero exterior.

Here's how I look at it. Aquarius is suffering enormously dealing with my revelation about polyamory (back in Feb 2012). We are just now exploring how we're going to start our poly lives together, and to also have to explain it to her family would just be too much. I can't ask that. So the subject is settled.

Sometimes the best course for a strong relationship is a bit of give and take, even if that give and take requires some deceit. Remember, the deception is with others, not with your partner(s), so it does make it easier.

Don't know if that helped at all, hope what I said didn't make it worse for you!
 
Thanks for the insights. Much to consider.

Right now I should probably put all my energies into reciprocating the love that my husband has shown me. He's trying very hard to understand me and give me the space and freedom that I need.

I need to show him love by giving him the support and reassurance he needs. My post really upset him. And it's because my new relationship energy _is_ running amok....I need to stop being selfish and balance things out a little better, I think.

Ahh yes, it's very important to tend to your existing relationships and make sure you uphold your commitments to the people already in your life. And, you may find with that, a lot of the other problems take care of themselves. i.e. if your husband is being neglected, then insecurity about feeling neglected isn't irrational.
 
On the flip side, it might do your husband some good to realize that NRE is a temporary state and that it isn't the end of the world. You seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders and will weather the throes of NRE just fine, especially as compared to somebody who was less conscious of what was going on. I mean, you say that your post really upset him. But what I see in your post is you acknowledging that this is hard on all of you, but that it's making you happy, that you realize you can't have everything you want right away, and that you're actively seeking advice and support to help you make choices that are healthy and well-paced. All of that should be reassuring, I would think. So, what in the post is upsetting?

Is he upset at the thought that you want to hold hands and hang out with your lover? Those seem like pretty innocuous things as compared to the fact that he's, y'know, your lover. Or is that you're happy and excited? Well, if you weren't, this would all be a pretty pointless exercise, wouldn't it?
 
I am glad you are enjoying the NRE. That's always so fun! :D

You have several points in one message.

1) Your want to be "out" to your friends with lover going about the community. But that's only you. You are not single. You are not a duo any more either. You are now in relationship in trio -- the shared sweetie hinge in a "V."

What you want has to be balanced with what the others want and need and what their limits might be.

So you could ask them (husband and lover) where their comfort level is at for THIS point in time. Determine where the next check in would be, and then check in then at THAT point in time where their comfort zone is at and what has changed, if any.


2) Your husband emotional management stuff.


What's he struggling with? If he wouldn't otherwise be looking for himself, why's he looking now? What's that supposed to solve? :confused: Is he monoamorous? Or polyamorous? You do not say.

If it is jealousy he struggles with, could he do more page 5 and you do more page 6 ideas from this article?

If it is dealing with your NRE gushies, and willingness to have it in the house "in his face" so to speak -- well, talk to him. It's one thing for you to share your NRE at a volume he can take. It's another to drown him with it -- esp if he has unmet needs. Are you tending to your old relationship energy as well? Does he have needs that need meeting? What's he feeling exactly that's struggle?

It's normal to want to share you poly joys, share them freely here or to safe friends. It's normal to want to share it with your beloved spouse -- but again -- at a volume he can take. He could be THRILLED for you but still find it annoying if all you do is swoon about. YKWIM? You could ask him if your "NRE volume" is ok or not for him to listen to.

And you can tell him and demonstrate to him that you appreciate his willingness to be in polyship with you. He doesn't have to be there and he doesn't have to be willing. But he is because he's chosen this for himself. So thank him for his willing -- and recognize you benefit from that.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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some really great, thoughtful insights from so many people!

Thank you, everyone, for all that you've shared about your experiences and what you've learned... so many great insights and suggestions. So much that I hadn't given thought to (yet, but will now).

I have much to work on, I realize. I need to put WAY MORE effort into being understanding of the sacrifices (so to speak) that my husband has made on this journey of opening up our lives and love.

Sparklepop.... your a-d beliefs really hit me and made me go, "hmm. Am I poly? Or do I just want to f--k around and have my cake and eat it, too?" Made me take a good hard look at what my husband and my family and life mean to me and what I need to do to make sure he knows it and that I'm nurturing all of that, too. Thank you!

Galagirl - I so appreciate the reference to the article on practicalpolyamory. I will read it and get as much from it as I can. It is difficult to define what my husband struggles with.... I think it shifts and changes on a day to day basis, depending on what's going on. And that in itself is a challenge (like the earth moves under our feet all the time...). He IS looking for himself... but like I said, he's not as motivated as I am (or was). I think he realizes that it would be really nice for him to have an experience like I am having, so he is pursuing it... with great patience (unlike me). Great suggestion to ask him how the gauge is registering with the "NRE volume." That will help.

Too many people to thank individually (got a house to try to clean up!), so I'll just say THANK YOU to everyone that posted and shared their life experiences. I really appreciate it and will take this all to heart and continue this difficult, challenging but rewarding relationship work. :)
 
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