Thoughts from a 2013 Newbie

Today is a good day. yesterday was a good day. The three weeks before that were hell. Seems we are getting back on track. Mark and I are doing well. He is feeling better about our relationship since his older brother, my husband, had given the final okay on everything. We still have more restrictions on us than Neverwhere does with people he dates but it's not much and I hope that will change someday.

neverwhere is dating a great g girl for two weeks now. She is mono. single mom with two boys. She just really likes Neverwhere and so is willing to try it, which had been great for my husband because it's given him a lot of confidence to know someone likes him that much.

meanwhile I'm half heartedly searching OKC still. Not a lot of poly people in my area to get to know. I don't mind educating people, but don't want to be someone's experiment either.
 
I've posted elsewhere but thought I would update my "blog".

After Neverwhere and Amanda broke up, things really went downhill. I tried to stay positive, but between that and the issues my husband has always struggled with (anger, alcohol abuse, former drug abuse, etc) it just became too much for me.

It came to a head December 8th when he hit me and then went after Mark because I said I was going to call Mark or one of our roommates for help. Because Neverwhere punched Mark in front of 3 of our kids, DCF got involved. Overly involved, if you ask me.

Amanda has decided to side with Neverwhere in our pending divorce. It's so confusing to me. I am a very caring person and I've spent many years nurturing a relationship with Amanda. I told her if anything ever happened between Neverwhere and I and I got our house somehow (for an example) she was always welcome to stay here with the boys. But she has always been a person who uses those she can get the most out of and I guess Neverwhere seemed more financially stable or something.

I obtained a restraining order on him and I am going to be divorcing him and going for full custody of our 4yo son. Amanda is still living here and has been spying for Neverhwere. It's very odd and crazy behavior. She keeps her kids, my stepsons, locked upstairs in her attic bedroom with her. My 4yo still sleeps in the room they all used to share, but his brothers no longer sleep with him. It's killing him and he misses playing with them and snuggling them at night. They are 10 and 8 and basically go to school and spend the rest of their time in their mom's room every day. I don't understand it.

I am happy to be moving on from an abusive marriage and happy I can give my son the life he deserves, but it's such a long road and it was such a lot of work I put into my marriage....it feels like a waste now and is just disappointing. :(
 
Where I see my poly life going....

I'm not actively poly. It was an experience started with my husband and his ex wife and now.... I have DCF and divorce and my son to worry about so my thoughts on this will have to wait.

However, I watch shows like Sister Wives and wish I could have that kind of closeness with a family like that. I want my son to have siblings who live with him, instead of having to see his brothers every other weekend or something. I crave a bigger family. Maybe it stems from being an only child. Maybe it's just how I'm made. I don't know. But the situation as it is makes me sad.
 
Dcf

I met with my caseworker from DCF today.

Apparently polyamory is illegal in my state. Who knew.... all those people who dated more than one person in high school while looking for "the one" were doing something illegal. :rolleyes:

I was told I'm not allowed to date right now and that it would be good if I moved out of my house, which I said I'm more than willing to do. Since he told Amanda the same thing and she doesn't show any signs of leaving. He was at least happy to hear that I had a restraining order on my husband and planned to keep him away from me and my son.

This world has become quite interesting for me.
 
I met with my caseworker from DCF today.

Apparently polyamory is illegal in my state. Who knew.... all those people who dated more than one person in high school while looking for "the one" were doing something illegal. :rolleyes:

I was told I'm not allowed to date right now and that it would be good if I moved out of my house, which I said I'm more than willing to do. Since he told Amanda the same thing and she doesn't show any signs of leaving. He was at least happy to hear that I had a restraining order on my husband and planned to keep him away from me and my son.

This world has become quite interesting for me.

Are you sure the case worker wasn't talking about polygamy, not polyamory? Or is he talking about adultery and/or bigamy? I would ask to see the wording of the legal code for your state. Ask him specifically what he is referencing when he says that and where you can find it. Many states have their regulations and statutes online. Meantime, check out this thread here, maybe something posted there could be helpful: Legal links?

I also find it shocking that the caseworker said you are "not allowed" to date. How backward-thinking. Dating does not always mean sexual liaisons. Still, it's a good idea to "behave" until the dust settles.
 
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New Beginnings

I've been forced out of my marital home by my Neverwhere, Amanda, and my MIL. My MIL had her name on our deed to our house so she moved from TX to our home one night at 11:30 at night. So crazy. She ranted and raved for two hours at me and Mark.

Fortunately my son was at my parents' house and saw none of this. Mark, me, and a roommate now have a peaceful apartment and my son lives with me too. Temporary orders were this past week and I was given sole legal and physical custody, with his father having every other weekend visitation and every Wednesday. Honestly, I think that's too much with all the drama still going on at that house, but I am glad my son gets to see his father.

Amanda and Nevewhere appear to be together now and he's allegedly with several other women. None of this concerns me except the Amanda part.

But the good news is... I am free. Our marriage had some really great times and I will always hold onto those and be thankful for my son being the best thing to come out of it. But now I can move on and know that no one runs my life anymore. DS4 and I can live happily. He can see his dad and his brothers a couple times a month and I can raise him safely and happily here with me. I am so thankful for that.

I am going back to school and have leads on some part time work. Thanks for the support I've found on this board. :)
 
I didn't know where else to vent about this. If I talk to my friends I will just get a lecture. If I talk to my parents it will just make me sad. I can't text my soon to be ex husband, obviously. My roommates are at work and they'd be upset with me too. So I'll let it out on this anonymous forum.

I miss my husband.

I hate that statement. What is there to miss? He was verbally abusive our entire marriage. He made me feel like I was a loser who didn't deserve anything. We were separated at the time our son was born because he had cheated on me with his ex wife. I went through the last two months of my pregnancy alone and the first few months of our son's life alone. I can't have any more children so my one experience with that will always be with him.

He's an alcoholic. He struggled with it our entire marriage.

I also saw him work on a lot of stuff during our marriage. I also had someone who knew me better than anyone, someone who I could talk to non-stop and he'd talk back and we'd just turn the radio off in the car and discuss everything on our minds for hours. We would read books to each other...had a great sex life.... he made me feel safe (ironic, right?)

I am stronger now. I can make it on my own. I enjoy raising my son by myself and not having to worry about the crazy ex wife, my stepsons (whom I love but who aren't the best influences), my awful MIL or SIL, etc etc. I don't have to be put down every day. I am enjoying life and I have big plans for myself, but....

I miss him. And I feel like a loser for saying so.
 
You're not a loser, you're a winner. You are being honest about how you feel - and it's understandable. He and the life you had with him are familiar, and you are facing the unknown right now. Even though you are happy to let go of certain things (and people), and excited about living your life on your own terms, there is always comfort in the familiar even when it is painful. That is a major factor in why people stay in abusive or less than satisfying relationships. It is always easier to go with what you know than to have to figure new things out and navigate strange waters.

Eventually, being on your own will be less strange and you will not miss him so much. But don't beat yourself up for feeling this way now. I think you are now heading toward wonderful things.
 
Thank you very much for that. It was encouraging to read.
 
I'm back!

I haven't posted on here in such a long time. I feel badly that I neglected it since this was such a helpful group at the beginning of my poly journey.

I've since found a couple great FB groups that I'm in that have also been helpful, and my "poly network" has been expanding a bit in real life as well.

neverwhere and I are now divorced. Just waiting on the final paperwork. Another couple months and it will be in.

I've been dating a great guy for 8 months now. He's amazing and treats me so well. He's also poly and was getting out of a bad marriage too. He's also now divorced and has full custody of his kids. We all live together, my son included. I'm still dating Mark casually, though we no longer live together. That was a hard thing for him I think, but he is adapting and we are doing well and enjoying the time we have together. Other than that, the new bf and I are not seeing other people right now as we are debating a move to another state for better jobs and a fresh start. Neverwhere has not determined if he'll let me leave with our son yet, but we'll see.

Neverwhere and I speak occasionally about our son. I have also had dinner at his house a couple times. He lives with his gf and her husband. They are in a V with her as the hinge. Her husband also dates two other girls so it is a large family over there. I like the idea of it and I get along with them for the most part, but we are all very different. And of course neverwhere told everyone that he never hit me so that is difficult for me to deal with, but I am dealing with it and trying to move on.

I am very happy, happier than I've been in years. My son is doing really well in his first year in public school (we are home schoolers, but I needed this year to get back on my feet) and I am beginning training to become a doula, which is something I've dreamed about doing for 10 plus years now.

I think that's it for now. I will try to update as I can and I look forward to catching up on the board and on everyone. :)
 
I am glad you are doing well. I thought of you the other day. Congratulations in advance on following your dreams of becoming a doula. Do come around as time and life permit you to do so. Sending you good vibes and all the best on your new relationship, co-parenting, and career wise.

xRy
 
I am glad you are doing well. I thought of you the other day. Congratulations in advance on following your dreams of becoming a doula. Do come around as time and life permit you to do so. Sending you good vibes and all the best on your new relationship, co-parenting, and career wise.

xRy

Thank you so much. I am having so many more good days than bad now.

Still debating the move. There is a possibility I can buy out my ex husband from the house we own together. If he's willing to be reasonable, my bf and I may be able to justify staging in the area.

Things are still going well in my poly life. My extended family really seems to be coming together. Mark is adjusting to living on his own and is doing really well for himself. He thinks of my bf's kids as his extended family too and we seem to be meshing well.

My son is happy and healthy and loves the time he spends with his dad and the gf. Neverwhere and I continue to get along for the most part, but, as in most abusive relationships, I feel like I am walking on eggshells still so as not to piss him off.
 
Thoughts many years later

Hello all!
I haven't checked in for SO LONG!

I am still divorced from Neverwhere and unfortunately had to obtain a lifelong restraining order against him for my son and I. But things have quieted down significantly over the past 3 years of him walking away from our son.

My boy is 9 years old now and we live with my husband JBR whose 2 kids have become my son's siblings over the past 4 years, my other husband KS who is an excellent stepfather to my son, and my boyfriend JH who is also an incredible human being and is monogamous with just me. Something I thought I never would have gone for years ago, but he and I are very happy together. :)

My ex brother-in-law lives with us as well, Mark, the one I used to date. He and I are best friends and he found a very nice woman he's been with for a little over a year.

So... there are 8 of us in this little house and we couldn't be happier. Well, we probably could be. Because, really, who couldn't be a little happier? But for the most part we work through our issues. One of my husbands is in the Navy and recently had to deploy over this past year. He's back now, but it caused a lot of strain on the household for a while. We are reintegrating and getting to know each other all over again.

Hoping all of you are doing pretty well too!
 
Hi JadeDoor, it sounds like things are going relatively well for you right now, that is good to hear. I've just been skimming through your blog here, you have certainly had your challenges.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi JadeDoor, it sounds like things are going relatively well for you right now, that is good to hear. I've just been skimming through your blog here, you have certainly had your challenges.

Oh my goodness, yes I have. We all have. I'm happy to say that I'm older, wiser, and safer. Thank goodness. And I've learned so much over the years. Nothing is perfect, but I'm with people who want to work on things instead of abandoning them or being abusive and that in and of itself is a huge change for me over the last few years. <3 :)
 
That's a good improvement, :)
 
More Changes

All 8 of us are still living together. JBR and KS are dating the same woman. She is completely lovely, about 10 years younger than me, and has become one of my best friends.

My son is 10 now, stepdaughter is 10, and stepson is 7. My son still hasn't seen his father since the lifelong RO was obtained by me. My ex could have gone to family court and had the RO overruled but just... never did. I waited for that paperwork and it never came.

My fiance, the one who was mono for the first year or so of our relationship, has decided he wants to be poly too. Well, he says he can't be poly because he can never fall in love with someone like he has with me, but he wants to be ethically non monogamous. I mean, I'd just call that polyamorous, since not everyone who is poly necessarily falls head over heels in love with all their partners, but it's kind of up to him what he'd like to call it.

There have been some HUGE adjustments for me as a result of this. You'd think I'd be experienced at this by now since I've had two other partners start dating, but with JH it was different because he spent so long saying he didn't want this life, didn't understand it, and only wanted to be with me.

so there have been MANY bumps in the road and still more to come, I'm sure.

I'm going to make an effort to check in here more often. Y'all have always been so helpful and it's nice to read what everyone else is up to as well. :)
 
Thanks for that update ... it sounds like things are going well for the most part ... maybe your biggest challenge is JH's change to nonmonogamy.
 
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