Texting

findingme

New member
Within my relationship, where my partner of several years has recently fallen in love with someone else, he has been texting her what feels to me to be almost constantly when we are together. I have got him to agree that it is a little unfair for him to be texting when we are eating together, but it does seem like he texts her all the time, including when we are out together, in the house together, pretty much anywhere. I thought it was me being unreasonable as I am having a few problems getting used to the idea of a polyamorous relationship, plus they get very, very little time together - only a few hours snatched together, or conversations at work (they both work at the same place and her husband and family do not know, esp. difficult as we are in a small community). However, we recently had some friends staying with us, and they commented that he was on his phone an awful lot - one of them suggested that it was close to be an addiction to his mobile, and the other said that it was to the point of being rude to others around.

What are other peoples thoughts on electronic communication in poly relationships? Internet, mobiles and e-mails certainly add a whole extra dimension to how time is shared and what is considered to be shutting out - or not- those around.

It would be very interesting to see what people think.

Thanks
 
I think that if you are allowing them time to be alone together to converse ect. The same courtesy should be offered to you. Ask your SO to set aside certain times every week that are just for the 2 of you. It's infuriating to never have the focus on you.

-Derby
 
Agrees with YGirl on the "name" of the relationship. But to the OP's original question...

It doesn't matter the relationship of the people around. "Common courtesy" dictates that one is not on the phone or texting (which is basically the same thing) when one is eating with others, spending quality time with others, etc. It is plain rude. A single text or a quick call is ok if they are letting the other person know that they are busy and will text/call later. The fact that he couldn't stop himself while he had company who don't know the nature of the relationship is even more rude and embarrassing to you, IMO.
 
I have to agree with the previous posts. I can't STAND it when someone is texting while I'm trying to have a conversation with them. It's infuriating. Plus, it appears that your SO is going through the "new relationship fire". Remember when the two of you first met? You both wanted to CONSTANTLY be together. Kinda like in high school when you called your bf or gf and said "Ok, you hang up first" Then they said "No, YOU hang up first", then you said "No, YOU hang up first". and this went on for like an hour. What you are watching is basically the same thing. He is falling in love with her. It's beautiful, yet sickening at the same time in a weird way. Let their love flourish, yet remind him that you love him also, and that you don't want to be overshadowed by his new interest.
 
Agree with previous posts. I don't even think it's got much to do with poly - I wouldn't be impressed if close friends, family members etc. constantly texted someone else while they were with me. If your partner has decided to call the setup a polyamorous one (despite important people not knowing!) then he has to learn to accommodate both of you...
 
My 16-year-old step-daughter is similarly glued to her phone. Before we cut her off for not paying the bill, she was logging **6000** text messages a month (for those who don't want to do the math, that's 200 per day).

But she has the excuse of being a teenage girl, and we expect nothing less ;)

I don't have any specific advice, but I agree with you and everyone here that his manners are lacking. It's great to be in love and to express it, but you deserve attention too.

It doesn't do any good to impose superficial rules his texting behaviour. Artificial constraints treat symptoms, not underlying issues.

He's probably just being an oblivious guy and doesn't realize how rude it is. Guys tell me all the time that they really are oblivious, they don't do these stupid things intentionally to piss us off, they're just genuinely clueless.

Maybe if they had more face-time, they wouldn't feel the need to text so much?

At any rate, if she's cheating on her husband, it's only a matter of time before he finds out and the whole thing explodes in their faces. That should put a quick and sure end to your problem...
 
well, I know that you probably aren't going to want to hear this, but what the heck, it won't be the first time that people on here haven't wanted to hear what I say, so I am sure you will take it or leave it....

If her husband doesn't know then "texting" would be the least of my worries. I would be asking him to stop all contact with her entirely. Absolutely under no circumstance would I be okay with my husband engaging in any kind of romantic communication with anyone who is in a relationship with someone that doesn't know their partner is conversing in that way. There is no good reason I have ever found that cheating is a good idea and forgivable. It ends in nothing but heart ache for everyone involved and prolongs problems that should just be dealt with and tied up before anyone moves on to texting another lover.

That being said, I had this complaint from my husband a couple of years ago. We now have it worked out that I don't text while I am with him during quality time. If we are just hanging out I will text a bit, but limit myself to something that needs taking care of now. I usually tell him what it is I need to take care of and then end it as soon as I can. The same when I am with any of my loves... if we are having quality time the phone goes on phone only and I only check it to see if there is a text in regards to my son, if he is not with me. This same rule applies when I spend quality time with him (although I don't need to check for babysitters during that time, obviously :D). Sometimes this gets vague and I often am left with not one single second of the day to myself and have to check texts during quality time. I try my best to keep it minimal and get it done so the phone goes away.

I hate it when others are on their phone around me. Absolutely hate it. So I think that helps me keep it in perspective. I like to know what it is that is drawing them away from me and be a part of what they are doing, but if I don't know I just plain find it rude and inexcusable for the long haul.
 
.......There is no good reason I have ever found that cheating is a good idea and forgivable. It ends in nothing but heart ache for everyone involved and prolongs problems that should just be dealt with and tied up

Hey RP,

Awwww right you <grin>

Not letting you get away with a statement like THAT ! :)

Somebody has to represent reality and logic. We've all seen and had way to much discussion on "cheating" - even on here - for anyone to come away with the belief that cheating is never desirable and never forgivable.

Cheating, as undesirable as it is, is a fact of life & relationships in our current culture. Better to not over react to it, accept it as just one phase of learning about how to have a HEALTHY relationship, and get to work (physically and emotionally) on building those skills. People make mistakes. They do it because it was the best way they could come up with to deal with a situation at the time. The silver lining isn't in condemnation but education.

So there <grin>

But that's all off topic. Sorry.

Does anyone but me remember the time when cell phones etc were used primarily or almost exclusively for EMERGENCY purposes (or necessary business functions for primarily mobile jobs)

This is a cultural shift that to me borders on sick & destructive. We can't be in 37 places at the same time, have 37 different, unrelated conversations and really put our best effort and focus into ANY of them !
So why even try ?
Believe it or not, there was a time when we looked people in the eye, had a REAL conversation, finished and moved on to whatever was next in our day or night. The world survived. Moved along quite nicely without our attention.
As others have mentioned, the whole concept of being interrupted by an electronic watchdog during a personal interaction is simply rude & ignorant. Uncaring.

On the other hand, the "gizmo" has the advantage of being easily ignored. Much easier than a rude person. It has an OFF button ! Or a silence one. Try using it ! And try telling ALL your contacts that they are not to under any circumstances try to contact you unless it's critical or an emergency. Because if they do you will be equally rude to them and either hang up or ignore them. And an "emergency" does NOT consist of what cool thing they just saw or that they are in a pissy mood.
Save it for when we see each other.

:)

GS
 
Does anyone but me remember the time when cell phones etc were used primarily or almost exclusively for EMERGENCY purposes (or necessary business functions for primarily mobile jobs)

Yes I do.

This is a cultural shift that to me borders on sick & destructive. We can't be in 37 places at the same time, have 37 different, unrelated conversations and really put our best effort and focus into ANY of them !

hmmmm....as an IT guy who hates most technology...I can honestly say that the blackberry has saved me from being on call 24/7, lets me stay in touch without trying to hard etc. It has been a godsend. Now like any and all tools, does it get abused. Yes. Don't blame the tool, blame the human :D
 
If her husband doesn't know then "texting" would be the least of my worries. I would be asking him to stop all contact with her entirely. Absolutely under no circumstance would I be okay with my husband engaging in any kind of romantic communication with anyone who is in a relationship with someone that doesn't know their partner is conversing in that way. There is no good reason I have ever found that cheating is a good idea and forgivable. It ends in nothing but heart ache for everyone involved and prolongs problems that should just be dealt with and tied up before anyone moves on to texting another lover.

Agreed!!!
 
Yes I do.

hmmmm....as an IT guy who hates most technology...I can honestly say that the blackberry has saved me from being on call 24/7, lets me stay in touch without trying to hard etc. It has been a godsend. Now like any and all tools, does it get abused. Yes. Don't blame the tool, blame the human :D

WOW - so another IT guy who has a healthy disrespect for technology. I wonder how many of us there are ?

And you're right - and I didn't (blame the tool) Always seen beyond that. Look at television ! Great potential. Mostly a manipulative tool and garbage.
Not the box's fault

But we're hijacking here.......

GS
 
In terms of what is going on in her relationship, I am just steering well clear of that. We are not going to be living here for much longer, and that's her mess to make. However, I *do* know and he is open with me about their relationship. So, yes, I agree, what she is doing is cheating and having an affair. He isn't.

To return to the texting, he is prepared to ignore it a little more at times, for example we went away for a weekend together and their texting was kept to a minumum of a couple in the morning and evening to say hello and goodnight. That was lovely for me. But on other occasions we'll be out watching the football at the pub together so won't be talking that much, and he'll have a text exchange of up to 20 or so texts (without exaggeration) and this gets extremely frustrating. It's good to know it's not just me who thinks it's rude!
 
I will leave aside the cheating thing, because I think it has been discussed plenty in other places (but for the record, I am with RedPepper on this one, entirely!)

I have issues with cell phone etiquette in general. Sitting having a conversation with someone and the phone rings and their instant comment is "I've got to take this" when they don't even know who it is (believe me, I checked - they didn't have custom ringtones or anything like that). WHY do you have to take it? Is talking with some random person who is calling you more important than talking to me, since we are out together? Says a lot for how you value our relationship, doesn't it?

As far as texting with a lover is concerned, I think it is something that the individual relationships need to work out. For some it's not such a big deal, for others it is. I can not turn off my cell for long periods due to work commitments, but for whichever of my partners I am not with, they understand that I am not instantly available. I will more than often ignore text messages until a convenient time comes up - I won't interrupt a conversation to look at it and reply.

One of the things we have set up is the idea of quality time, whether it is a date night or whatever. During that time, there is no communication with the other, unless there is some dire emergency (and I do mean DIRE). But in lesser ways that applies to watching TV with one of my partners, too, even though that's not official "quality time".

Bottom line - if you are upset by what is going on then you have every right to express that and work with them to come up with an etiquette that works for all parties.
 
What is sick and destructive to me GS (with all due respect ;))is that people have become complacent and have normalized affairs and cheating. This is my fear and why I feel compelled to be a hard ass about it everytime it is causally brought up in threads that have nothing to do with the topic. I'm sorry if it comes across as harsh. I do have compassion for those stuck in it. Its all a learning thing and seems to be part of some poly process, but that doesn't make it right and doesn't excuse it. I just don't think it should ever be blown off as nothing. Because it is hugely something to be concerned about.

As for cell phone use? To get back on track :p , I don't have a land line, this phone is it. I have found it an annoying blessing.
 
If her husband doesn't know then "texting" would be the least of my worries. I would be asking him to stop all contact with her entirely. Absolutely under no circumstance would I be okay with my husband engaging in any kind of romantic communication with anyone who is in a relationship with someone that doesn't know their partner is conversing in that way. There is no good reason I have ever found that cheating is a good idea and forgivable. It ends in nothing but heart ache for everyone involved and prolongs problems that should just be dealt with and tied up before anyone moves on to texting another lover.

I do agree with this here to an extent. If her husband doesn't know then this needs to stop. This is not a poly relationship they have. This is a dishonest cheating one. It takes everyone knowing, agreeing, and working together to make a poly relationship. Not just some people but all. And they might not like it but you and them are all contributing to the pain that will eventually happen and the longer this happens and the longer they wait the worse it will be and the higher the level of pain.
As for the cheating itself, I promise I am not talking out my ass here. I was the one being cheated on until my husband finally came clean. It is forgiveable, if that person chooses to do so. But they are entirely in their right not to forgive and to end things and the cheaters will just have to deal with the consequences of their actions. They brought this on themselves. I chose to work with my husband and forgive. His current girlfriend is not the first one he cheated on me with . There have been about three or four others. Many on here have heard my story by now.
But as for being the one cheated on it has taken alot of work. Alot of pain that is still there that I am still working on. I don't know if it will ever really go away. But I don't hold it over his head in fights. That doesn't get anyone anywhere. But they do need to come clean. The husband does deserve some sort of respect and common courtesy. Please don't support their actions for his sake. The pain can be unbearable and almost suicidal at times and the longer the three of you continue this, no matter the part, the worse it will be.

As for your original question. Let's say that the GF's husband accepts this and allows it. My husband had a texting issue. It drove me nuts. But I sat down, we talked to each other and her and we put down some ground rules so that he understands I need my time as well and we both agreed on them. I didn't just say this is the way it is, like it or not. He keeps the weekend texting to a bare minimum. Very few. The weekends is my time and my daughter's time unless he is over at her place. Her husband does know about them.
After 10pm those texts stop every night. That is my time again. That is our time to cuddle and have sex and talk and fall asleep in each others arms. This is a suggestion I got off another page and it has really worked for us. They work together as well. They text all day at work. No one at work knows they are together because their coworkers know they are both married to other people. So they have to be careful there and do everything by text.
But when they come home at the end of the day, even if there is still some texting, he doesn't answer her during meal times or during our conversations. He puts down the phone and gives me attention. If I am busy with stuff or our daughter he is free to talk to her while he works on his stuff. He is not taking time away from me and he knows that.
You are already trying to learn a new way for your marriage. He needs to help you find some comfort level. You will hear this all over the place here but it is the most true piece of advice: COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! You can't survive without this, and that includes bringing the hardest and most painful topics to surface. You won't survive without talking over everything. If you can't even talk about a texting problem, imagine the harder conversations that will fail and eventually hurt you in the end.
 
Texting lately has become a bit of an issue with me and my hubby. He has a serious gf that i like. Not in a sexual way but i do like her as a person. they are a couple now. I have a bf that calls me his weekend wife. lol. But with hubby and his gf they are constantly texting each other all day long and up till he goes to bed. Bf comes to our house during the week and has dinner with hubby me and the kids while he's working (he's a truck driver) This is a major difference between my bf and the gf. She gets upset if hubby doesn't text her back right away (very insecure about herself) Hubby gets severe tunnel vision. When he's focused on something texting, video games etc. That is all he can focus on. He doesn't notice or pay attention to what is going on around him. Hubby gets to see the gf tuesdays and on the weekends where i see bf during the week and weekends.

I find it rude when people are texting while having a conversation with you. Hubby and I have had to have several talks about this and came to the conclusion that when he's spending quality time : dinner, bedtime for kids etc. He can text the gf that he's doing such and such and will text her later then he shuts the phone off until that time is over. there are times he forgets but we talk and work it out. This is the solution that we have had to come up with so that there are no hard feelings on anyone's side of things.

The main advise would be to talk to your partner and come to an agreement that would work for both of you.
 
Back
Top