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TroisForte

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I reported earlier in my initial blog that my husband of 21 years (I call him R), his girlfriend (CG) and I have been happily involved in a FFM Vee relationship for the past 4.5 months.

I love them both very much and we are still all very happy together but a few situations have arisen that have literally sent me into panic attacks and I'm not quite sure how to articulate how I am feeling or what I should do about it. I need advice and have nowhere to turn but here.

Hopefully you can follow considering the head space I am in right now.

The relationship R and I have with CG is long distance. Actually, she lives close to my husband's hometown. 21 years ago R and I built our lives 2000 miles away from his hometown with our children. We go back to visit at least 2 - 3 times a year for a few weeks at a time.

In a few weeks R is taking a trip to spend time with CG alone and I'm starting to get very sad for many reasons. The most noteworthy reasons are: his heart has always been in his hometown. That is where he is the happiest but we live so far away because that is where we can make a living right now no matter how much we want to be where he is from. I'm a bit jealous because not only does he get to spend time with CG without any of life's constraints but he gets to do it in a place where he feels most alive. I feel like in some way it is a recipe for him loving me less (because he's got to come back home to a state he hates) and loving her more because everything he wants is in his hometown. They both say that having alone time together is just as important for the health of the relationship between all three of us as the time we spend as a group but the closer his trip is getting, the more I'm filled with trepidation and fear. This is the first time in the 21 years together that he will be taking a trip ("vacation") without me but WITH someone else; someone else he is romantically involved in and as horrible as it sounds I don't know if I can handle not having him with me. I don't know if I can handle him being gone. My identity is him and my children. I'm starting to feel abandoned and I don't want to feel like that because I DO love what R, CG and I have going on. I'm just not too fond of this part.

If that is the only problem I had to contend with I am sure I would be able to work it out but the trip has become even more complicated. R's entire family lives up there to include OUR grandma (she will be 99 this year) who lives in a nursing home and his mother whom he only started talking to again a few weeks ago after an extremely strained relationship. We recently discovered that she has terminal cancer and isn't expected to live much longer. He wants to make his peace with her when he goes up there. He has also mentioned he wants to go see our grandma in the nursing home (she is 3 hours away from where he will be staying).

I have asked him that if he does choose to go see his mother and grandma to please go alone and it made him a little angry with me. I know it sounds very unfair for me to ask her not to go and him to go alone but I've got A LOT of emotions about all of this that I just can't process or handle. Our grandma is so dear to both of us and it has always been OUR thing as we are driving into town to go visit grandpa's grave, kiss his headstone and tidy up grandma's parents graves, then go buy grandma a treat and visit her in the nursing home before we proceed to visit the rest of our family. I am not ready to have my place taken in that regard if she goes with him. That would crush me. As for his mother, I have told R that I don't want CG to go with him to visit her because she and I have a lot of peace to make ourselves before I feel another woman should be introduced into the situation.

CG has been an angel on Earth helping me work out how I am feeling but R seems not to care about my feelings. He is acting like I am inconveniencing him with my "demands" and trying to control what he does and doesn't do when he is up there. How do I deal with all of these feelings? How do I deal with R? Even if R wanted to I know CG would put him in his place and not disrespect my wishes. I just feel like my world has suddenly started to spin out of control. Help. :(
 
I don't think you have the right to tell him who he can and cannot take to see his family members. You can tell him how you'd feel, sure, but that's his family and he has the right to interact with them how he sees fit. Especially at this poignant time.

And I can't see why CG would refuse to support her partner if he needed her support when dealing with his family issues. It's like the only person who doesn't feel your needs are always the priority is your husband. And in my opinion, he is absolutely right.

What I would do is be there for my husband by supporting him through this rough patch in a way that meets his needs first. Put mine on the back burner for a second. Let him do what he needs to do whilst he is away with support from people he wants it from and trust that he wants to maintain your family unit. Even when you don't believe it, even if it helps to say you don't believe it out loud to him or someone else, let your actions show that you trust him, support him and can consequently give him the space and freedom to do what he needs to do.
 
This would be difficult for me to navigate.

On the one hand, sure - he has his own agency and can take whomever he wants to meet anyone he wants to see.

But this is family that you have a shared history with, even if that history isn't all that good (especially if that history isn't all that good and you want the chance to make peace). One of whom is not expected to live much longer. It sounds like you're feeling displaced - that you should be seeing these people, since there's a relationship there already, and that this has more poignancy than a "meet the family" trip should have.

Perhaps explaining this to him in "I language" ("I feel that I want to make my own peace with your mother and I worry that that chance will be taken from me if you go with your GF and I don't get the chance to go before she passes away.") rather than flat-out restricting him from bringing his GF will help him understand your point of view?
 
YouAreHere: I am in tears. You said exactly the things I am feeling but didn't articulate as well. I don't forbid him or restrict him to do anything. Perhaps the way I described my approach with him didn't come across the way I intended. This is my family just as much as his and there is a history there. I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm right but I don't want to be selfish either. Just the fact that you seem to understand where I'm coming from is just a sigh of relief YouAreHere.
 
Hugs, TF...

Give the "I-language" a shot, or point him here if you think it'll help. Would it be financially (and schedule-wise) feasible to plan two trips, one for you and your husband to see family and wrap up loose ends, and then a separate trip for him and his GF?
 
I totally get why you would feel these fears. I am married and would have some fears of my own in your situation. A shaky ground is never the ideal place for the fragile or new experiences.
But what you imagine happening in these interactions you won't be around for, you are imagining worst case possibilities , not actualities or guarantees. Is there a possible outcome that you won't feel supported in should it come to pass? How likely are these worst case scenarios? Remember you are placing limitations on others based on possibility and guaranteed outcomes. So you need to really know why your fears are at the levels where you would consider limiting others and be able to articulate them.
 
I completely understand.
I am very close with my father in law.
He moved away about 8 years ago.
A couple of years ago he came to visit for the first time in several years.

Maca went to pick him up and took him to meet a potential girlfriend before I even got to see him.
I was hurt and I was angry. To be honest, dad was confused. He KNOWS about our lifestyle, but he was here to see family and she wasn't family. She wasn't anyone to him.
It didn't click for Maca until after the fact.

I would definitely go for the "I" statements.

BUT-in light of the complications and how high HIS emotions may be, how much he may need some emotional support after meeting with these two people;
Maybe he is defensive because HE needs someone there to support him when he see's them? Maybe it's not so much about "the girlfriend" being with him, but not being alone.
Reconnecting can be scary. Reconnecting with someone who is dying is a mix of scary and loss and anger and a host of other emotions.

Possibly, if you could consider it from THAT viewpoint, talk with the girlfriend and tell her how you feel BUT also tell her that you don't want him to be alone either and hope she will be there with him; so he isn't alone.
Maybe that will help you to feel better about it.

Because the bottom line is that these people, even though there is a history, they are dying. They won't be around to give a shit one way or the other about you or the girlfriend much longer.
But-this man you both love, he's going to have to live with the loss.

Sometimes, I find that loving someone means doing what's best for them even though it's painful AND that in doing so, I find out that I feel better for having taken that step anyway...
 
This popped into my head on the way home from work and I had to put it down... apologies if I'm being annoying with all the posts. :eek:

What if, instead of two trips, or whatever, he planned for a slightly longer trip - the two of you could go out at the beginning for a couple days and make the difficult family visits, be there for each other, and make your own individual peace with his mother (and see his grandmother as well). Then, after a couple days, you could head home and he could continue his trip to be with his GF. Maybe take her to see the family if they want that, but that would be their portion of the trip.

No extra plane tickets for him, you get to see the family, he gets to see the family, and he gets time with his GF. Maybe, if you all wanted, you could meet his GF as well, but I won't jump the gun.

Would something like this work for you?
 
This popped into my head on the way home from work and I had to put it down... apologies if I'm being annoying with all the posts. :eek:

What if, instead of two trips, or whatever, he planned for a slightly longer trip - the two of you could go out at the beginning for a couple days and make the difficult family visits, be there for each other, and make your own individual peace with his mother (and see his grandmother as well). Then, after a couple days, you could head home and he could continue his trip to be with his GF. Maybe take her to see the family if they want that, but that would be their portion of the trip.

No extra plane tickets for him, you get to see the family, he gets to see the family, and he gets time with his GF. Maybe, if you all wanted, you could meet his GF as well, but I won't jump the gun.

Would something like this work for you?

I think that's a good compromise. I would feel left out and honestly some things i think are just special for N and me ans I want to keep it that way. I guarantee any tripa back jome would be including me.
 
I understand that she wants to make peace with his mother, but why isn't that a separate issue than his girlfriend going with him to see his family? If it's as simple as wife trumps girlfriend, let's just stick a hierarchy label on this thread and move on. But it doesn't seem like everyone does believe that Wife Always Wins.

Sure Wifey should schedule a family visit and soon, but there is no reason for girlfriend to be banned in the meantime. If his mother is going to die soon, it might similarly important to him to meet his girlfriend before she goes. I think the OP is finding it difficult to fathom how someone else could be that important to him. Polyamory, eh?
 
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I understand that she wants to make peace with his mother, but why isn't that a separate issue than his girlfriend going with him to see his family? If it's as simple as wife tramps girlfriend, let's just stick a hierarchy label on this thread and move on. But it doesn't seem like everyone does believe that Wife Always Wins.

Sure Wifey should schedule a family visit and soon, but there is no reason for girlfriend to be banned in the meantime. If his mother is going to die soon, it might similarly important to him to meet his girlfriend before she goes. I think the OP is finding it difficult to fathom how someone else could be that important to him. Polyamory, eh?

TF,

I honestly think you should consider this. In LR's case, the new girlfriend was clearly not seen by her as family. It's not clear how you feel, in this case. You don't seem to feel too close to your husband s girlfriend, "love" for her aside. Your feelings seem to be more, "I really like this girl. " But HE is treating her like family. .. despite the short length of time. Does he often introduce new girlfriends to family this quickly? Or perhaps you are worried, naturally so, because this girl is different than the others. ...?
 
I reported earlier in my initial blog that my husband of 21 years (I call him R), his girlfriend (CG) and I have been happily involved in a FFM Vee relationship for the past 4.5 months.

You and R are married, he has a long distance GF, CG, and you are friends with this woman. It is not an equal polyamorous relationship. You are not lovers with CG, either romantically or sexually, correct? Just have become close friends?

He has a choice to "out" himself to his mother and his grandmother, who you consider your adopted grandma. Are you comfortable with him outing himself as poly to his own relatives? Sounds like you are not.

The relationship R and I have with CG is long distance. Actually, she lives close to my husband's hometown. 21 years ago R and I built our lives 2000 miles away from his hometown with our children. We go back to visit at least 2 - 3 times a year for a few weeks at a time.

In a few weeks R is taking a trip to spend time with CG alone...

How long is he going to be away visiting his hometown and her? This is a new relationship... only 4 months. Some newly poly couples are still negotiating how to deal with one overnight, never mind a long distance trip of several days (or weeks?).

... and I'm starting to get very sad for many reasons. The most noteworthy reasons are: his heart has always been in his hometown. That is where he is the happiest but we live so far away because that is where we can make a living right now no matter how much we want to be where he is from. I'm a bit jealous because not only does he get to spend time with CG without any of life's constraints but he gets to do it in a place where he feels most alive. I feel like in some way it is a recipe for him loving me less (because he's got to come back home to a state he hates) and loving her more because everything he wants is in his hometown.

This fear of being replaced is a common one, it is the root of most jealousy in love relationships. It's not rational in this case that he will love you less and love CG more just because she lives in his hometown. Nonetheless, it is a real fear of yours.

They both say that having alone time together is just as important for the health of the relationship between all three of us as the time we spend as a group...

Of course! Most poly people do not hang out a lot with both lovers all the time, but see them separately. If CG lived near you two, he could have one on one dates with her a lot. Having her living long distance makes that impossible. But him having one on one time with CG, to build their relationship, is a separate issue from you getting to be with him when he sees his estranged and ill mother, and sees the elderly woman you consider your adopted grandmother.

...but the closer his trip is getting, the more I'm filled with trepidation and fear. This is the first time in the 21 years together that he will be taking a trip ("vacation") without me but WITH someone else; someone else he is romantically involved in and as horrible as it sounds I don't know if I can handle not having him with me. I don't know if I can handle him being gone. My identity is him and my children. I'm starting to feel abandoned and I don't want to feel like that because I DO love what R, CG and I have going on. I'm just not too fond of this part.

Have you told R that you're feeling abandoned? "I feel abandoned." Have you told him you're panicky? "I am feeling panicky." Does he know your identity is him and your kids? Do you feel it is healthy for your identity to be him and your kids?

Maybe you need to work on rebuilding a self-identity apart from husband and kids? That can be very key in polyamory, to develop some independence.

I am not ready to have my place taken in that regard if she goes with him. That would crush me.

Have you told your husband this? "I am crushed that you are going to do our special ritual involving remembrance of dead beloved relatives and visiting Grandma, with another romantic partner."

If you have, what has he said? If he just brushes your feelings aside, this is indicates a lack of respect. "I feel like you are not respecting my feelings around our long held rituals."

As for his mother, I have told R that I don't want CG to go with him to visit her because she and I have a lot of peace to make ourselves before I feel another woman should be introduced into the situation.

Have you told R this? "I feel worried that bringing a new gf to meet your mom, when you and she have had bad feelings for years, may hurt my own potential relationship with your mother." Does he feel bringing his new gf to meet his mother will make his meeting with her go better? Really?

Personally, if I were CG, I wouldn't want to go visit my bf's mom when he meets with her for the first time after a long period of being estranged. That, imo, should be between him and his mom. Bringing a new gf along, and discussing being poly with Mom when she is dying, is that really a good idea?

CG has been an angel on Earth helping me work out how I am feeling but R seems not to care about my feelings. He is acting like I am inconveniencing him with my "demands" and trying to control what he does and doesn't do when he is up there. How do I deal with all of these feelings? How do I deal with R? Even if R wanted to I know CG would put him in his place and not disrespect my wishes. I just feel like my world has suddenly started to spin out of control. Help. :(

Feeling more respected by your metamour (CG) than your own husband must really suck. Is he thinking with his dick? It's good CG is respecting your wishes. R might be in the throes of NRE, and it's making him act a bit crazy. Sorry he is complicating things because of his sentiment around his hometown and blood family.
 
TroisForte, I think it is important to watch out for those certain events and other relationships we might become possessive over, just as much as we have to watch out not to be possessive over the people we are involved with.

In your mind, you have attached a very large significance to the ritual you had with your husband of visiting grandma, kissing the grave, etc., and you call it "ours" because you treasured the experience, grew closer to him and his family through it, and so have come to think of it as something only you and your husband can and should do - and no one else is allowed! However, just because you have let yourself feel possessive over that ritual doesn't mean that it is in fact, only belonging to you. Just because you have imbued the act with meaning, in your mind, does not mean you own it. Things or actions only mean something because we say they do. Take a look at the things you have given meaning to, and notice that these things could mean something entirely different to someone else, even those close to you. Why shouldn't your husband share his family or even what might look like the same ritual with a girlfriend? What if it were a platonic friend, a buddy from work, he brought along? Would you feel as threatened? She won't be taking your place, she isn't you. The act of going there and interacting with his family will have a totally different dynamic with her. I would say you need to examine this feeling you have of "mine, not hers."

Furthermore, if you have always built your relationships with his family through him, and not established your own connections with these people independent of your husband, that is no one's fault but your own. There is nothing stopping you from reaching out to them without him. Two married people are, first and foremost, two autonomous individuals with their own agency. You do not own him, and he does not own you. Neither of you own nor have a right to dictate how you each relate with your families, and neither of you own nor have a right to dictate over any of the other's life experiences. He creates his and you create yours.
 
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Cindie, I guess I disagree somewhat. I think I'd feel bad if miss pixi and I always went to, say, the same restaurant on my birthday, or our anniversary, and then she got another lover and started going to "our" restaurant for new lover's birthday, or their anniversary... Maybe I am more sentimental than you.
 
I feel like I'm probably in the minority here (well, I guess I am!), but I also think there's definitely a potential altering of the family's perception here that isn't really being talked about.

Especially if, as NYCIndie says, TF has spent her time getting to know her husband's family primarily through, and with him. Regardless of whether or not it would be healthy for her to have her own separate relationship with them outside of her husband, it will still make the family go, "Huh?!" if hubby brings by the new GF (especially during these difficult times) and not his wife.

People will make their own minds up, REGARDLESS of what her husband says (was it a thread here or on Reddit where people advocated giving family a year to accept your coming out as poly - much like Dan Savage's advice for coming out as gay?), and the potential for ADDED drama in this situation is so high, that it seems nuts to try to add this "meet and greet" on top of everything else that's going on.

With a situation that's already going to be emotionally difficult (making peace with the hubby's mom, seeing Grandma who's in the nursing home, visiting graves), adding more difficulty on top seems like too much. New GF may be looked at askance by the family who knows TF. Family may think TF is no longer with husband. Husband will have to deal with "meet the family" at the same time he's dealing with issues with his mother dying, AND reconciling an estranged relationship with her, and may alienate family at the same time he's trying to pull them closer.

Oy. My head!

Lots going on, and I still vote for keeping things separated inasmuch as "meet the family" should be separate from "current family stress". If hubs wants support from GF, great... I agree he should have it (if she wants to provide it), but TF seems to need some closure/support with her extended family as well, and logistically, doing this on her own doesn't make much sense.
 
Cindie, I guess I disagree somewhat. I think I'd feel bad if miss pixi and I always went to, say, the same restaurant on my birthday, or our anniversary, and then she got another lover and started going to "our" restaurant for new lover's birthday, or their anniversary... Maybe I am more sentimental than you.

N and I only go to amusement parks together lol
 
I have asked him that if he does choose to go see his mother and grandma to please go alone

OP knew he would be in the area where his family live and asked him to go alone. Doesn't say anything about him saying I Want to take my girlfriend, OP forbid it before he even brought it up and he got angry at her for trying to control him or something. He might also feel it's far too soon, he might just be mad at the OP for trying to predict and sort of maneuver him.
 
TF,

I honestly think you should consider this. In LR's case, the new girlfriend was clearly not seen by her as family. It's not clear how you feel, in this case. You don't seem to feel too close to your husband s girlfriend, "love" for her aside. Your feelings seem to be more, "I really like this girl. " But HE is treating her like family. .. despite the short length of time. Does he often introduce new girlfriends to family this quickly? Or perhaps you are worried, naturally so, because this girl is different than the others. ...?

In our case she WAS NOT a new girlfriend. She was a POTENTIAL girlfriend who never became a girlfriend. Which is why I said POTENTIAL.
Therefore-as she wasn't even someone who was "FOR SURE" dating any of us-she was DEFINITELY not family. Not only by my standards, my Maca's, GG's, our kids, our parents etc-she was NOT family.
 
Man, such complications. I guess I've been sheltered, in that most of my friends now, I met through a poly group. If I show up to an event with a married man, without the wife...or a girlfriend without her boyfriend...no one thinks anything of it. They just assume she's not part of his and my relationship, or that she isn't interested in whatever event we're attending. I haven't had a relationship I've brought up with family; they're just "friends" for now.
 
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