How would you classify...

Hunter85

New member
...if you were in a casual relationship with someone and they didn't tell you that they were sleeping with other people that they were also in casual relationships with? These others knowing of your partners casual partners but you're the one left in the dark until later in the casual relationship.

Let me paint a better picture:
I was seeing this woman and we were getting rather serious (hanging out together, with her friends, talked about meeting her family, talked about dating seriously, and generally getting pretty close), then I bring up something I had heard about her having a boyfriend whom is in a marriage (and they are both poly) and at the same time I was unceremoniously informed that by her decree alone that we were just casual or "FWB".
Also found out at a later date there was another guy she'd been sleeping with.

So, even though there's no commitment in the sense of a full time relationship, does this seem dishonest or borderline cheaty or something?
Doesn't quite sit right with me =/
 
Seems dishonest to me, I wouldn't feel comfortable keeping that knowledge to myself and I wouldn't feel comfortable if someone kept that sort of info from me.
 
Did this casual relationship involve sex? If so, I believe all pertinent cards (such as the existence of other partners) should be on the table before starting a sexual relationship. I know timing doesn't always work that way, but it sure seems like she withheld info from you on purpose until she got "found out" and that's absolutely deceitful.

Even if the relationship didn't involve sex yet, the fact that it doesn't sit well with you is really all you need. You desire a level of honesty that she didn't provide. It may not have been intentionally dishonest, but that doesn't mean you have to automatically accept it and behave as though you don't have problem with her choices.
 
Now you know where you stand and how she views the relationship. If it doesn't sit right, it just doesn't. You don't have any obligations to go any deeper or further.
 
Thanks all :)
Yeah it did involve sex. It's pretty much how it started. We got a bit serious within a couple of weeks and glossed over the idea of us dating seriously but she bailed on that decision and I didn't know until I found out she had been seeing other people before and during the time we met.
We never really did establish boundaries and such. I went through it, in the beginning, thinking she wasn't seeing anyone but myself. Needless to say things got messy.
I tried to talk about it, she agreed to to talk but said she was busy prepping to leave for her job overseas/final farewells etc but over that time of about 2 months there didn't seem to be 2 hours to spare.

Washing my hands of it all now :)
 
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Now you know where you stand and how she views the relationship. If it doesn't sit right, it just doesn't. You don't have any obligations to go any deeper or further.
This.

IMO, there can only be any cheating to speak of after the boundaries conversation and when those are broken w/o consent. Everything else just sounds like an undisclosed, one-sided expectation.

If someone wants exclusivity or expects me to be single during our first encounter, then I would assume the boundaries conversation should happen prior to sex. The responsibility for bringing it up laying upon the party who wished for exclusivity in the first place. Btw, I think boundaries conversations are a total turn on. :D

That being said, if you like someone, that can be a real bummer. The original post sounds more like a case of unrequited feelings than cheating. I am sorry that it happened. I would categorize what happened there as casual sex.
 
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It sort of got to be a bit more than casual sex. If that's all it were from the go (which I was expecting it to be to begin with) then it would've been fine.
She introduced me to her closest friends, invited me to her parents (didn't go at the time, too inconveniently timed), made public posts about me, affectionate messages, cried on my shoulder etc which (call me crazy) seems unorthodox for something casual.
A part of me wanted all that and I sensed that she wanted it too so I didn't fight it. I had never been involved with someone on this level til then and had certainly not known about non-monogamous relationships so I was, by default, under the assumption that if she's seeing me then she's not seeing anyone else. Lesson learned.
When we hooked up I assumed she knew what she was doing so I didn't bother to ask "Are you seeing anyone?" because I would've expected a response like "Would I be hooking up with you if I were?"
But yeah, as I said, the boundaries talk never came up but I did mention I'd never been in a relationship before (not to say I hadnt had dealings with the opposite sex, just not on this level) and that I personally would have liked to have been in a serious, if brief, relationship with her.
I think at the point when I said either one of those would have been the time for her to bring it up. But I think she has a hard time communicating on these matters.
 
It sort of got to be a bit more than casual sex. If that's all it were from the go (which I was expecting it to be to begin with) then it would've been fine.
She introduced me to her closest friends, invited me to her parents (didn't go at the time, too inconveniently timed), made public posts about me, affectionate messages, cried on my shoulder etc which (call me crazy) seems unorthodox for something casual.
A part of me wanted all that and I sensed that she wanted it too so I didn't fight it. I had never been involved with someone on this level til then and had certainly not known about non-monogamous relationships so I was, by default, under the assumption that if she's seeing me then she's not seeing anyone else. Lesson learned.
When we hooked up I assumed she knew what she was doing so I didn't bother to ask "Are you seeing anyone?" because I would've expected a response like "Would I be hooking up with you if I were?"
But yeah, as I said, the boundaries talk never came up but I did mention I'd never been in a relationship before (not to say I hadnt had dealings with the opposite sex, just not on this level) and that I personally would have liked to have been in a serious, if brief, relationship with her.
I think at the point when I said either one of those would have been the time for her to bring it up. But I think she has a hard time communicating on these matters.
Ok, from the above, it does sound like she lead you on.
 
When we hooked up I assumed she knew what she was doing so I didn't bother to ask "Are you seeing anyone?" because I would've expected a response like "Would I be hooking up with you if I were?"

...

seems unorthodox for something casual

Once you reject the orthodox assumption of monogamy, you should be prepared to reject the rest of the cultural relationship/dating orthodoxy. You should not be surprised to learn not everyone shares your assumptions/expectations about how non-monogamous relationships ought to work. This is highly ranked among the reasons you hear polyfolk chant "communicate, communicate, communicate!"
 
Having no prior knowledge or exposure to poly like many many other people I know I would think that the communication about that ought to be left to the poly partner, should it not?
Either way I now know a lot more about it apart from it's existence and shall inquire about it with future partners.
 
...

So, even though there's no commitment in the sense of a full time relationship, does this seem dishonest or borderline cheaty or something?
Doesn't quite sit right with me =/

In my opinion, you have rights, she should respect you enough to inform about sexual health, so she should tell you about old, new, ongoing, sexual partners/status.
This is why I personally seek not only honesty, but transparency as well. & I say so very specifically, very soon in the relationship, as soon as I realize I like someone.
Hope things go well for you :)
 
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Cheers.
Yeah I told her about my past sexual experiences (short story :p). Perhaps it's too much to expect similar.
 
Cheers.
Yeah I told her about my past sexual experiences (short story :p). Perhaps it's too much to expect similar.

IMO

when I said 'she' i meant not just her, but any future girlfriend you get involved with too :)

and no, it is not just the poly person who is supposed to communicate. Even in a monogamous relationship, communication is each individuals responsibility. Communicate if you want something, or if you don't want something, specifically. It cant hurt
 
I felt funny about a situation where I was just having coffee with some guys from a common hobby and both were flirting with me. I wasn't even interested in either but I didn't want to lead either on. I really liked talking about our hobby and \ they gotta flirt with me. I just wanna talk shop. :)
 
It's not about "right to know," it's about "responsibility to ask."

Did you ever ask her if she was seeing other people?

Did you ever ask her to disclose her sexual history?

Did you ever ask her if she would be willing to have a semi-committed relationship with you?

"Respect" only comes into play if you asked her these questions and she lied. You can't fault a person for not answering questions you didn't ask.

It's 2012, people. The buck stops here.

I'm free to go around making all the assumptions I want about other people. But when I find out those assumptions are wrong, I have nobody but myself to blame for making them.

Even if you take polyamory out of the picture, it's a fact that many monogamous people "date around." Some people call it "playing the field" or "keeping my options open." That's why it's common for new couples to explicitly agree to "be in a relationship" and to be monogamous. Otherwise, it's assumed that they're seeing other people.
 
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Did I ask her if she was seeing other people?
No, I can't say I did. Not until after I heard a 3rd hand rumor (and I not fond of actingbon rumors). I also (in hindsight regrettably) assumed that because she didn't bringvit up then there wasn't any others to speak of. As to why I didn't think to ask I'll get to in a second.

Did I ask her to disclose her sexual history?
Not in the sense that I outrightly said "Who or how many people have you slept with" (at least not until later on to which I'm still not entirely sure...or at this point care) but we did discuss our sexual history to an extent (first times etc).

Did I ask about a semi-commited relationship?
Yep. About after the 3rd or 4th time we slept together and had been out together as well. The fact that she was internationally bound in a matter of months was the only thing that came up. She said "I'll think about it", brought it up a few days later but it was essentially the same conversation (no mention of other men she was seeing) and no answer.

It's 2012
Indeed I am aware (now more so than before) that poly exists and other forms of non mono but I had mentioned to her that I wasn't what one would call "practiced" in relationships and many others I know that are still don't know of poly like I didn't at the time. Thus I never thought to ask such. Something like that I (foolishly it seems) thought is what the practitioner would bring up.

Yeah I've known people who've been in or are in open relationships. Something I'm sure they discuss.
But am I to ask every conceivable relationship related question just to cover all bases? Would that not seem a little...I dunno, interrogative or weird??
 
lets take it from here... :)

Did I ask her if she was seeing other people?
No, I can't say I did. Not until after I heard a 3rd hand rumor (and I not fond of actingbon rumors). I also (in hindsight regrettably) assumed that because she didn't bringvit up then there wasn't any others to speak of. As to why I didn't think to ask I'll get to in a second.

Did I ask her to disclose her sexual history?
Not in the sense that I outrightly said "Who or how many people have you slept with" (at least not until later on to which I'm still not entirely sure...or at this point care) but we did discuss our sexual history to an extent (first times etc).

Did I ask about a semi-commited relationship?
Yep. About after the 3rd or 4th time we slept together and had been out together as well. The fact that she was internationally bound in a matter of months was the only thing that came up. She said "I'll think about it", brought it up a few days later but it was essentially the same conversation (no mention of other men she was seeing) and no answer.

It's 2012
Indeed I am aware (now more so than before) that poly exists and other forms of non mono but I had mentioned to her that I wasn't what one would call "practiced" in relationships and many others I know that are still don't know of poly like I didn't at the time. Thus I never thought to ask such. Something like that I (foolishly it seems) thought is what the practitioner would bring up.

Yeah I've known people who've been in or are in open relationships. Something I'm sure they discuss.
But am I to ask every conceivable relationship related question just to cover all bases? Would that not seem a little...I dunno, interrogative or weird??


:) :)
Hey baby, I totally understand what you are saying here!
It does seem very obvious to be considerate doesn't it??

But unfortunately, some people are not as bright/smart, or as naturally considerate as you are! ( i wish they were, negotiating relationships would be so much more pleasant)

On top of that, it can be so confusing, and you can't expect anyone to read your mind! People are so diverse & have different dealbreakers so it is almost impossible to please everyone in the same way if you don't know what they want!

Even so, the answer is no.
You should *not * need to interrogate every little aspect of the relationship. That would be exhausting!

I think that for you, you need to now take some time to identify what your dealbreakers are!
It's not that you should have to ask EVERY little possible thing in a relationship.
I am SURE that you want to be with someone who cares about you just as much as you care about them. And by that I mean someone who respects you just as much as you respect them.

So, in order to do that, you would need to clarify your boundaries & communicate those clearly. Hopefully this experience will help you in realizing your boundaries.

Best wishes! think possitive!
 
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