Thank you for further clarify, Marcus. I appreciate it.
To me “honesty” is not a "personal standard of conduct." It is a “value.”
Ex:
I value honesty.
I value my personal comfort.
I value clean water.
And so on.
And one of the personal standards of conduct (for me) is – “I am responsible for telling if keeping a confidence is hurting someone or could hurt someone.”
Witholding the information that her spouse is cheating and could now have exposed her to STDs? That could hurt her.
That's about it. I could wish I did not KNOW this info, but I can't unknow what I know. So then I'd have to figure out what to do about it.
I agree with this.
I agree with this. I cannot control others. I can only control me.
The approach is meddlesome and disrespectful to whom?
That's what I'm not clear on. The approach is inconvinient, and uncomfortable to me. But if I have to answer to my higher value of "Honesty" rather than the lower value of "my own comfort" then I have to suck it up and give the woman the heads up. "I'm the other cheated on spouse. I am going to get tested. You could get tested too." Then let her figure out what to do with herself. It's her choice.
I do not appreciate the cheating pair putting me in this inconvenient and uncomfortable position. But now that I am here, how is me withholding information that affects her health and well being me demonstrating "respectful behavior" to the cheated on wife?
Are you saying that my staying silent about information that affects her health would be me demonstrating greater respectful behavior toward the cheated on wife than telling her the information?
"Meddlesome" is unwarranted interference. I think her health and autonomy over her own body put at risk warrants a heads up. You do not seem to.
If so, fair enough. Agree to disagree on that one then.
This is another area where we seem to disagree:
I do not think the OP only has one question to grapple with. They have MANY. So we basically have to agree to disagree there too.
I think the OP has some of these questions when running the polymath in their heads:
"In accepting my partner's current behavior, am I holding myself accountable to myself? Am I looking out for my OWN best healths -- physical health, mental health, emotional health, spiritual health, environmental health, occupational health, and social health?"
Am I holding myself accountable to the people I love and agreements between us?
Am I holding myself accountable to the community/circles/world I live in? "
Because the conclusion is that we draw the accountability line in different places for ourselves, and we hold ourselves accountable to different things and have different standards for personal conduct.
Fair enough. *shrug*
In the end... It's not us in the situation. It's the OP who has to process and hold self accountable to their own personal standard and figure out where to draw their own line in the end on this one.
Galagirl
I think what we are disagreeing about is when does the standard of being honest entitle or require someone to involve themselves (unsolicited) in other peoples lives.
To me “honesty” is not a "personal standard of conduct." It is a “value.”
Ex:
I value honesty.
I value my personal comfort.
I value clean water.
And so on.
And one of the personal standards of conduct (for me) is – “I am responsible for telling if keeping a confidence is hurting someone or could hurt someone.”
Witholding the information that her spouse is cheating and could now have exposed her to STDs? That could hurt her.
That's about it. I could wish I did not KNOW this info, but I can't unknow what I know. So then I'd have to figure out what to do about it.
I have authority and responsibility over my own life, over my own decisions, how I spend my time, and what people and situations I want to associate with.
I agree with this.
I do NOT have authority over what other people say or do or the impact those words or actions have on people (other than myself).
I agree with this. I cannot control others. I can only control me.
Some here seem to think that there is no limit to how much authority someone should take on in the name of "honesty". If dishonesty is going on, it is somehow their duty to make sure that everyone who could possibly be affected by the dishonesty is made aware of the facts. I personally find that approach to be meddlesome and disrespectful.
The approach is meddlesome and disrespectful to whom?
That's what I'm not clear on. The approach is inconvinient, and uncomfortable to me. But if I have to answer to my higher value of "Honesty" rather than the lower value of "my own comfort" then I have to suck it up and give the woman the heads up. "I'm the other cheated on spouse. I am going to get tested. You could get tested too." Then let her figure out what to do with herself. It's her choice.
I do not appreciate the cheating pair putting me in this inconvenient and uncomfortable position. But now that I am here, how is me withholding information that affects her health and well being me demonstrating "respectful behavior" to the cheated on wife?
Are you saying that my staying silent about information that affects her health would be me demonstrating greater respectful behavior toward the cheated on wife than telling her the information?
"Meddlesome" is unwarranted interference. I think her health and autonomy over her own body put at risk warrants a heads up. You do not seem to.
If so, fair enough. Agree to disagree on that one then.
This is another area where we seem to disagree:
In the current discussion I believe the OP really only has one question in front of him:
"Do I accept everything about my partner?"
I do not think the OP only has one question to grapple with. They have MANY. So we basically have to agree to disagree there too.
I think the OP has some of these questions when running the polymath in their heads:
"In accepting my partner's current behavior, am I holding myself accountable to myself? Am I looking out for my OWN best healths -- physical health, mental health, emotional health, spiritual health, environmental health, occupational health, and social health?"
Am I holding myself accountable to the people I love and agreements between us?
Am I holding myself accountable to the community/circles/world I live in? "
Because the conclusion is that we draw the accountability line in different places for ourselves, and we hold ourselves accountable to different things and have different standards for personal conduct.
Fair enough. *shrug*
In the end... It's not us in the situation. It's the OP who has to process and hold self accountable to their own personal standard and figure out where to draw their own line in the end on this one.
Galagirl
Last edited: