View Single Post
Old 02-10-2011, 07:32 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,732

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Now there is another thought to consider.

This is something that I think gets forgotten about a lot. I know it does for me. What happens when we "agree" to something and then it doesn't work out?

Is it a lie to say that you've now realized you are unable to meet the terms of your previous agreement?

But-if I'd come back and said, "I can't agree to the boundaries we agreed to for marriage, I need to renegotiate."
Would that have been acceptable?

When is it acceptable to come back and say, "I'm sorry, but I can't live by this agreement."...........
I get what you are saying here I think and that is, instead of pushing the issue by just doing it, when do you come back and say "It's not working?" It's a weird thing to have to say when it is so wrapped up in emotion, connection and confusion on all sides.

When I spent time with Leo and we crossed the line I wasn't thinking about where the line was, but how I felt in terms of that line. I didn't think I had gone to far and was actually quite proud of myself and him for stopping when we did, rather than saying "fuck it." It wasn't until afterwards when Mono asked me some questions and I answered truthfully with my small tinge of pride that I plummeted into despair when I realized that I was SO WRONG.

When do you get to say, "um, I can't agree to those boundaries that I thought I could before crossing them...?" When? After you cross them. That is when. At least that is what I see. I think that there needs to be room for that and some lea way...

Not that I advocate everyone go out and take the boundaries they have mutually decided on down! Just saying that I don't see any other way to know unless you have done it, or really do know yourself that well. Does anyone know themselves that well?

One forgets when making boundaries that there are other people in play. Leo has his own thing going on. I intuitively feel him as I do others and rise to his need for closeness and delight in that as much as I do other people who are close in my life. I hadn't realized that I am so susceptible to that and so easily thrown off the course of my prearranged boundaries with others. Loosey goosey boundaries rather than rules really do work better for me. Having case specific boundaries work better... not all hard fast rules for everyone work for me.

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I am wondering-within yourself-what is your feeling on what makes a reasonable compromise-not necessarily in looking at this example (which Mono posed to start the thread)-but taking his same questions, using any example in your life?

It seems to me that you have already been struggling to find a compromise regarding Leo-not pertinent to Mono-regarding Leo's life choices, your life choices and the feelings you two share...
I'm wondering if you struggle with the same type of questions in that (and any other) decision as Mono brought up in this thread?
I'm not sure I understand the question here. I really want to as I think it might be helpful... could you try explaining a different way? thanks

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Question: If you were to have a partner uncomfortable with public displays of affection, would you insist on being able to show as much affection in public to him as to other partners who are completely comfortable with PDA?
I'm not sure why you asked this... is it possible to get an explanation please?

If I had a partner that doesn't like public displays of affection I would do my best to oblige them in that. I wouldn't have an issue as it isn't a big deal to me either way, but I would ask if it was okay to touch them secretively or at certain times when we are together... such as a hug goodbye or a brief kiss.

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
the question becomes not if you are willing to allow the try or not, but if the consequence if it goes awry is worth trying.... This is where I think RP has slammed against a wall. The potential negative risk isn't worth it to her... at least not for now.
No it isn't worth it for a variety of reasons...

Leo has a lot of mental health issues that I am not willing to take on dealing with for one thing. Also, I don't want to step on his wife's toes in terms of the time we spend together. He talks to me differently than her and she is jealous. They have been together a long time, they don't have much to say and he is often content to struggle with his mental health while she takes care of everything else. I offer him a chance to talk once a month about my life and what is going on for him. He thrives on it right now and it brings him out of some of his health issues. She has a love hate thing going on with that and I would rather step back a bit to allow that to resolve or not as the case may be... I have enough drama going on... Also, he tells her everything I say and bases a lot of his opinion, it seems, on what her opinion of me or what I say. While she likes me there is still a lot of stuff that she doesn't like about me and he challenges me on that as if he owns it... I am not big on that going on in my life thank you very much. I have called him on it, but he thinks she is all knowing and does what she does, so what can I do, but choose to engage or not, depending on the topic. Also I am not keen on some of his values in terms of child raising and family life. We are all equal around here and at their house a woman does her job and a man does his... I don't care that that is how they operate but when it crosses over to my world and he deals with my child in the same way I am infuriated with him. Lastly, he drinks a lot and I wonder if there isn't an addiction thing going on there.

These are all really good reasons for me to step back and at the very least consider him a tersiary in the future. I love and care for him, but in terms of "time" (as the label of tersiary is a consideration of time spent with someone) I am not willing to create more time for him in my life.

All of these are reasons that I would gladly not involve him in my life beyond where we are at now for the time being and just work on my own shit. Mono's struggling with this all is not entirely necessary at the moment, but I can see that it could possibly be the ground work for future struggles with Leo or someone else... its all good learning and all good for us. He might not think so, but I do
My blog
Reply With Quote