View Single Post
Old 02-10-2011, 04:57 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Question: If you were to have a partner uncomfortable with public displays of affection, would you insist on being able to show as much affection in public to him as to other partners who are completely comfortable with PDA?
EXCELLENT question. I don't know who you were posing it to. But it's a great question. My answer would be no. I have two partners who have differing comfort zones in regards to PDA, and I exhibit PDA with them based on what is comfortable for each individually.

By thinking of myself as secondary or casual, this also helps overide the natural desire to want exclusivity.
I understand this as well. I used to use that same mechanism. When I was just "playing around" it helped me to think of myself as casual because then I didn't feel the need to have them be anything but casual.
However, this didn't work for me if I fell in love with someone. Once I love someone, it's not exclusivity that I crave, but I do need to know that there is a joint commitment. I think I could go on hours into this one.. but not today.

Let's look at the idea of being primary for isn't possible. Redpepper has a husband. I see marriage as sacred and that creates primacy in my mind.
Yes, Maca and GG are the same way. They see marriage as creating primacy-for differing reasons, but yes, I understand.

I don't envy that..I support it because their relationship allows me to embrace the nature of her other relationships with Derby and the one she has with Leo. If I was her primary I don't know that I would be so comfortable...
I think this is a key difference. I think that possibly it's one that some people miss in their rush to understand you as things are now and one that other people get stuck on because they want things to fit together a specific way always.
I've always thought (privately) that if you were the husband, there would be a nightmare mess because based upon your own statements, you wouldn't be able to handle RP's polynature...
It's somewhat BECAUSE she is already married to another that you are able to make the leap...
This is of course just my perception and I'm certainly open to your thoughts on it.

It leaves me wondering-as the most successful "poly/mono" couple that many of us have encountered..... is the key in the fact that you aren't the primary partner? Not in some other ethereal thing that "we" are looking for?
Watching GG has made me wonder this as well. He's not my husband. Would he be so "ok" with me having other lovers if he were? I'm not so sure he would... I'm not so sure he wouldn't. I just don't know and there isn't a way to find out now is there?

So-from a scientific perspective one has to accept that it MIGHT be that the fact that he (and you) aren't the primary spouse is the reason why you can be mono and functionally maintain a relationship with a poly S.O.

It's avoiding reality...plain and simple. I would need to be distant from thoughts as well as seeing it in action. Maybe that would soften over time but maybe that would lead to a loss of only know if you try.
Yes, that's true and then the question becomes not if you are willing to allow the try or not, but if the consequence if it goes awry is worth trying.... This is where I think RP has slammed against a wall. The potential negative risk isn't worth it to her... at least not for now.

The sad thing is...Leo is truly someone I would trust with her heart.
I don't think that is the sad thing. That is a wonderful thing-it means she has good taste in men. The sad thing is that you are all hurting as you try to find a way around the myriad differences in your lovestyles.

I would struggle with Leo and Redpepper continuing at their current level of intimacy and if it was pushed farther than undoubtedly my struggle would increase.
Yes, that's been very clear for a long time yes?

How do I look into the eyes of my family/close friends and say I am ok with a relationship when they can see that I am hurting?
THIS makes perfect sense to me. It's one of the reasons I "come and go" from the board. I have a HARD TIME talking about my relationship to people, even online when it's "great" then it's "shitty" then it's "great" then its "shitty". I can't honestly back up "staying" when it's so obvious that it's causing misery all around...

I'm invulnerable to the judgement people have about my girlfriend being married because I embrace their relationship...
Sure, that's simple. I can easily defend my relationships with a person for things OTHER people judge them for-as long as I'm sincerely ok with those things. But....

I am not so tough with the idea of other men. Why? Because I don't embrace it. I would not be genuine in defending it.
I can't genuinely defend something I happen to think is bullshit as well....

"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote