River's Blog

Things have shifted around since I said I don't want to talk about her (M) and I in the forum. Now it feels okay to share here, but with much respect to the particulars -- to she and I and all others connected with us.

Here is the shape of things (and also why it feels okay to 'talk' about it here).:

I'm flat out and utterly, completely in love with M, but I am not attached to the kind of relationship we might have in the future. Or, rather, I practice constant vigilant mindfulness and transcendent love of the kind that burns attachment and overflows. So if we end up being loving, intimate friends who are not also lovers, I'm prepared to be happy about that--though I'm very much looking forward to some kisses about which we've talked, along with the snuggling in a hammock about which we talked.

Did I tell you she sends me poems, and songs! Almost every day! And we have about the same taste in poems and songs. And she IS a poem! I love her so!

In conventional lingo, I've "fallen in love," but the truth is far better than that! I've been kicked around too much. I'm an old dog in love. I've been around the block. I'm becoming graceful at letting go, not clinging, not expecting, certainly not demanding. So any love that comes my way now is held in an open hand, palm open, facing up. What I want to be and do here, with my Darling, is celebrate her the way she celebrates me, and that's about it. I don't know what the future will be and I don't want to worry about it. I want to appreciate her, intensely, as she appreciates me.

Meanwhile, I have thought about walking hand-in-hand with her, out and about. I don't do that much with Kevin. We do that a little. We're not freaked out about the gaze of straight folks. But the reality is, should I have a girlfriend (and that's how it feels), I can hold her hand in public, can kiss her in public, walk arm-in-arm, and we'll just be ordinary folk. It won't attract disgusted or dismissive attention. (One very rarely sees two men holding hands in public in Santa Fe.)

On the other hand, a lot of folks here know Kevin & I are partners and lovers, and some
will do a double take if they see me with a girlfriend, holding hands, kissing.... That's going to be the fun part, if indeed we're headed down this path. I've even fantasized about introducing my girlfriend and my boyfriend to folks out in public, matter of factly. I'd have to stifle grins!
 
arrival!

this is the vivid inside of the poem
this is the end of all searching
this is the indwelling of the found world
gone is the shroud of seeking
what was known at a distance
is now
the vivid inside of the world

images fall away

this is no fiction
this is the essence of life
this is the falling away of masks
this is the dropping away of armor
this is the unfolding mystery

this is home!

this i've always known
this is the final truth
this is the nature of things
this is home!

all of the givers know it
all who shiver glow it
any of us may instantly bestow it
this is home!
 
Oh, my

Yes, you have written about her, haven't you?

I practice constant vigilant mindfulness and transcendent love of the kind that burns attachment and overflows.

Thank you for overflowing into the life of my family. I know how it is to be so filled with joy that it is imperative to give it away free to anyone who crosses your path.

I have been thinking to myself all day, "Love does not seek for itself".

You are always inspiring to us and I wish you the best there is.
-R
 
One of the myriad curious facts about the life of one who writes is that he or she will gradually discover curious things, like the meaning of the phrase "intimate acquaintance". One realizes that a rich vocabulary is necessary to speak the truth. Not all intimate aquaintainces are quite friends. They may become friends, or not. A friend is a regular feature in a person's life. They are kept near.

That said, I bumped into an intimate acquaintance today, a man with whom, when they ask, I must speak some truth -- because we are more than mere acquaintances.

So he asks... "Any news?" And so I proceed to tell him that I have a female love-interest. I've told a couple of my intimate acquaintances about this, just because I'm a sort of social psychologist, a sort of anthropologist, a sort of magician, a sort of trickster, a kind of raven who likes to squawk and see how folks react to the much unexpected and strange.

"And you're still with Kevin?" he asks.

"Well, yes, of course!"

"And Kevin's okay with this?" (He looks worried, puzzled, perplexed, as if I had come into his shop with my hair smoldering, wearing a short skirt.) ... [I can't help wondering if he's judging me a lunatic or an ass hole.]

"This kind of thing doesn't often work out very well," he said.

"I realize this, but I think we're up for it. [pause] One has to stare jealousy down" (paraphrasing).

And that's when I said that there was somethign "spiritual" going on. This guy is a universal mystic! I know he can handle it!

[Paraphrasing myself]:

"We are going right to the advanced studies. The universe handed us this and I'm--we are--going to give it our best shot. It feels raw and truthful, the real deal, a kind of calling. It's going to be challenging but I think we're going to create some beauty."
 
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Walking through Santa Fe's plaza today during an arts and crafts fair, I just had to stop to listen to the didgeridoo player. He had something. And I listened a bit ... and then I was entirely inside his music! He had some sort of leggings on that rattled when he shook his legs in rhythm. And in his hand were two carved hardwood sticks. (I don't know the names of these instruments.) And very soon I realized that he's got to be about the best didgeridoo player I've ever encountered, times ten. Times a hundred. Not a mere player, but a master.

I said, in my enthusiasm, "You are master!, wow!".

He answered, "I try." And then he reconsidered his words. And then he said, "No, I guess I don't try; I just let go."

Ponder that a minute!

He was Rob Thomas of Inlakesh - www.inlakesh.com

Another mystic! We're everywhere!
 
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...I have thought about walking hand-in-hand with her, out and about. I don't do that much with Kevin. We do that a little. We're not freaked out about the gaze of straight folks. But the reality is, should I have a girlfriend (and that's how it feels), I can hold her hand in public, can kiss her in public, walk arm-in-arm, and we'll just be ordinary folk. It won't attract disgusted or dismissive attention. (One very rarely sees two men holding hands in public in Santa Fe.)

I know the feeling. Yesterday I was feeling particularly cuddly, and my gf and I were at the grocery store. I just wanted to put my arm around her each time we stopped our cart to look for an item, but really felt I couldnt. :( People would've looked and stared. Het couples can do it and no one thinks a thing of it. I did touch her a couple times briefly, but with awareness of who was nearby. Add in she is trans and is already paranoid enough about being "read" and whispered about when she's on the street.

Here's to better days for queers!
 
Here's to better days for queers!

>Ching-ching<

I often put my arm around Kevin's shoulders in public. He is slightly more reluctant about it than I am, generally, it seems. I'm getting less and less concerned about other people's perceptions of me. At some point, probably not far off, I'll just be who I am wherever I am, and just let it all hang out. :)

Oh, the other day we went out for breakfast and as we were walking from the parking lot to the cafe I put my arm around Kevin and he put his arm around me and we walked and talked like this. A woman saw us together this way and smiled bigly and brightly, happy to see it.

What a strange world we have where people are afraid to be human and to love openly! Very strange indeed.
 
I often put my arm around Kevin's shoulders in public. He is slightly more reluctant about it than I am, generally, it seems. I'm getting less and less concerned about other people's perceptions of me.

I learned long ago not to care too much about what other people, especially strangers on the street, think of me. However, my gf isn't comfortable with being stared at and whispered about. She's transgender and handicapped and has been crushed by near constant bullying, open stares, whispers and downright shouted out statements on the street all her life. I am very sensitive to her feelings.

Gays have it easy compared to transpeople.

Oh, the other day we went out for breakfast and as we were walking from the parking lot to the cafe I put my arm around Kevin and he put his arm around me and we walked and talked like this. A woman saw us together this way and smiled bigly and brightly, happy to see it.

Nice. One day gf and I were in an uncrowded diner. She left the table to go to the ladies' room. One of the workers, a guy, came up to me and asked, "Is that your daughter?" Just for fun, to see where he was going, I said yes. He said, "Tell her she's wonderful!" I don't know what he meant by that, but we took it as some kind of compliment.
 
A Jack & Jill Story

Jack and Jill were out for a stroll one day. They had never met one another before, and were walking from opposite directions. There was a hill near the horizon and that's where each of them had decided to walk, so they could look down upon the town and ponder it all.

When Jack arrived atop the hill, Jill was there, sitting on a bench and drinking lemonade. And Jill was happy to see Jack and said hello and introduced herself. Pretty soon Jack and Jill were happily drinking lemonade on the bench together and talking about the pondering of it all. They were both a little shy and awkward at first, but as time went on they got comfortable with one another. They decided to meet atop the hill again, next Saturday.

After weeks of meeting atop the hill, one fine Saturday, Jack shyly and awkwardly reached out and touched Jill's hand. Jill was happy about this, and she opened her hand and gently held Jack's hand in hers. And together they pondered things atop the hill.

Next time they met they held hands immediately upon meeting, but first they exchanged hugs. After pondering things together a while they kissed.

And things were going alright for a while, and there was much joy and happiness shared, and many things pondered. But Jill began to lose her joy. The seed of a worry that had at first been very small had grown larger. Jill began to worry that somehow she would end up hurting Jack. Jill loved Jack very much, but the fear that she might hurt Jack grew larger and larger until that fear began to close Jill's heart right up when she was with Jack, or even when she thought about Jack.

And Jack's heart also began to feel a little tight when he was with Jill, because Jill no longer smiled quite as much or radiated much happiness and peace. Jack began to feel some hurt when he was with Jill. He felt rejected. "She doesn't love me much anymore," thought Jack.

And Jack didn't smile quite so much anymore, either, and began to feel mostly sad and hurt around Jill.

Jill's fears were confirmed. She had hurt Jack! And this made her feel really awful about herself. And the more awful she felt about herself the more awful she felt about herself, because now Jack feels even worse and worse each day, because Jill is in too much pain about hurting Jack to warm Jack with handholding and kisses and smiles.

By this time Jack and Jill would meet atop the hill and wonder why the hell they're even doing this any more. They're both all caught up in "I'm a bad person" stories. "I'm not good enough."

But the pain of it all made Jack ponder all the more. He looked deeply into things and saw what was happening. This made him smile again, for there was still hope.

"Jill," said Jack, "I have a plan."

"What is your plan?" asked Jill.

[By this time, Jill had shared with Jack her fear that she would one day hurt Jack.]

"Let's let each other go, said Jack."

[Jill was afraid she'd hurt Jack by leaving him one day.]

"But I really do love you, Jack, and I want to be with you now."

[Jack's heart began to open and soften again, hearing this.]

"Yes, Jill, but all of our fear that one day things between us may go badly are actually causing things to go quite badly right now, when we really do love one another."

[Jill saw that this was true, and realized that there was indeed hope, and this caused her to feel great joy and love, which she shared with Jack. And they held hands and kissed and pondered some more.]

"I love you so very much, Jack," said Jill.

[Jack looked into Jill's eyes and at her bright smile and saw that this was true, which
overjoyed him.]

And so Jack and Jill, because they loved each other ever so much, held each other tightly as they let each other go.

And years passed and whenever they are together you can see them holding each other tightly and letting each other go.

"I love you so much!" said Jack and Jill.
 
Well, I told you folks I was working on being "naked" (vulnerable, honest, expressive, myself, etc.), so in that light let me share with you that I was really struck by the beauty of the little girls at the grocery store this evening. There's something about throwing your heart open to a woman that does that to a bi guy who's been mainly with men. My female love interest was once a little girl, just like these. And so they shine, they glow with the young and tenderest of the feminine. They are beautiful, are they not? Little girls?

Please don't call the cops! I'm just sayin' they're so beautiful.
 
after image

there is this image
of myself
releasing
the knot
of self-rejection

and the image is the knot
of self-rejection

and the image of myself
tender and self-loving enough
to be held and loved tenderly
is this knot of self-rejection

this longing and fear
is the knot

these hopes and dreams are
the knot

and the idea that there is really
no knot is the
knot

because it is an idea
and not
yet
an embrace

please hold me
here
as I hold
myself
here

here

tenderly
 
I was impatient, yesterday. I wanted it all and I wanted it then. Today, I'm much more tender toward myself. Time is my friend again. And I realize how lucky and blessed I am. And the freedom and joy have returned, somewhat. And that's enough. It's enough to have the window open and the cool air.

....

Spent hours with cuddle-buddy Russell yesterday evening. We talked heart-and-soul talk with one another, naked words (literal clothes on). I told him how I've really been needing the sort of intimate friendship we are having now, and how little of it I have had in my life. .... I find myself truth-telling everywhere I go, as much as is possible and not too nutty. I want to release the apparent gap between what I am and how I am. I suppose this is all I do now--, let go.

I want to be here for each sunrise and sunset, every child's eyes, every flower, every wound, every star, moon, cloud, earthworm, kiss, joy, hurt, fear.... I want to be here. Here is where I want to be.
 
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Climb Mount Fuji,
O snail,
but slowly, slowly.

~Matsuo Basho

Even in Kyoto --
hearing the cuckoo's cry --
I long for Kyoto.

~Basho














I want to be here, I said. And I thought to add, now.

I want to be here now. Now when the rains threaten not to come in the cool wind above the dank and also dry Earth. Now amid the distant turtles and snails which are also so near. Now when whole fractions of mountains slide off. Now when the rumbling cool of welcome and the collapse of syntax. Now when I refuse to pay a sin tax. Now and here in crazy puns and rhymes. Here and now where I've always already been.

The gifts! I played it on my saxophone, but couldn't hear the music -- deaf, dumb and silly, wanting to melt like spring.

Unhidden in this ordinary world, Matsuo Basho blows his own horn!
 
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A Jack & Jill Story

Jack and Jill were out for a stroll one day....


"Yes, Jill, but all of our fear that one day things between us may go badly are actually causing things to go quite badly right now, when we really do love one another."

[Jill saw that this was true, and realized that there was indeed hope, and this caused her to feel great joy and love, which she shared with Jack. And they held hands and kissed and pondered some more.]

"I love you so very much, Jack," said Jill.

[Jack looked into Jill's eyes and at her bright smile and saw that this was true, which
overjoyed him.]

And so Jack and Jill, because they loved each other ever so much, held each other tightly as they let each other go.

And years passed and whenever they are together you can see them holding each other tightly and letting each other go.

Thanks, buddy.
-R
 
Darlin', RC, your joy and love and freedom are my joy and love and freedom. Resounding peace be with you and your dear ones.
 

naked


the violet lovedrunk ribcage!
swimming steady silent
breathing
invisible
wine

notice it and it grows
attend to it and it blooms
stay with it and it awakens
it opens its barred door

the door flies from its hinges

there was never a door!




a pattern

the moon is up
and down
the tides are in
and out
the breath rises
and falls
the heart pulses
why was i then
afraid of falling?
what's all of this business
about rising all the time?
letting go is falling
didn't i always say
the burden of holding on
was too much?





.
 
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Bodhichitta

Wanting to nap
Hot, July, naked on the bed
Where is the deep rest?
I wonder to myself

Here I am
Says bodhichitta
Like a silent memory
Of a Greater Breath
A whisper
Drink me

~Alice in Wonderland?!~

And the cliche
No poet should touch!
The ubiquitous image
Of a water droplet falling
Into a rippling center
Pool

Drink me
I have become stars
Galaxies
Universes
I am weary
Alone
After this many millennia
Sleeping in my
Potential
Drink me
And find rest

Fall
Into
Me
 
I want to ask you, would you die for love?

Seriously, given a choice between living a fully loving human life and not, would you be willing to sacrifice everything? All of it?

I have no hesitation whatsoever in saying, Fucking hell yes!

I'd give everything for love.

An arm? No problem -- cut away! Two legs -- have at it. How many eyes do you want?
Here's my tongue, my brain....

We humans, most of us, are poor lovers. We don't want to sacrifice our taste in drapes, in dinner set patterns, in home decor....

People divorce over such things!

A lover is mighty thirsty. Mighty hungry. He'll / she'll take a swan dive into Pure Mystery
for a glimpse of the Beloved.

How hungry are you?

If you want to spend the rest of your life in front of the television, you are not yet ready to love. If you want only comfort and peace in love, you've not begun to travel the way of the lover.

Join with me, lovers! Risk everything! Become your true self.
 
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