Wide Awake

Don't know if this would help, but has he tried Polyamorous Percolations? It is a much quieter forum (Polyamory.com stole most of its thunder I think), but it has a good track record for nearly all posts being answered, and answered in a thoughtful, considerate way. Not that no one ever voices a disagreement, but in my five plus years spent on that site, I have found it to be (overall) the gentlest and most understanding of any forum I've ever tried (and I've tried quite a few). Might be something to think about if Polyamory.com sometimes gets on his nerves (and/or sometimes gets on your nerves).

I understand what you're saying about monogamous people thinking he puts up with too much, while polyamorous people think he puts up with too little. Obviously he needs an audience that can see the middle ground. Perhaps you do too?

From reading Matt's blog so far, it looks to me like he actually handles the naysaying pretty well; in fact it almost gives him a "force to push against" which can be kind of cathartic. But a fresh point of view (or points of view) has a good chance of being beneficial for both of you. Hence my reason for mentioning Poly Percs: There's always a chance it could help. I know, I know, more stuff to bother with. Perhaps lurk a bit on that site and see what you think? It's an older site (by about four years).

It's pretty discouraging when even a counselor doesn't get it. Sure it's great to see to one's own individual needs, but what's the point of being in a relationship if everyone in the relationship isn't making a due effort to help each other? So it's not "each man to himself," in my opinion.
 
Happy Post!

Home sweet home. I have never been so happy to see my home. I could not be better if I wanted to be. I will post more later.

I cannot explain the way DH was looking at me at the airport, but the looks shared between us said it all, honey. The "I missed you's" were felt. I could have held on to him forever. If we had been at home, that kiss would have been the start of something passionate and intense. The connection we have still makes my heart beat faster.

I am very reserved about certain things like love. I have talked about the bad, the lows, the moments of pain and sadness that became all too familiar, but I have yet to touch on the emotional highs of this new chapter.

I love my man with every fibre of my being. His love is intoxicating, and it fills me up and gives me everything I need. I cannot begin to explain what his love means to me. It is the way he says my name. It is something in the way he holds me. It is the way he kisses me and touches me without ever physically laying a hand on me. It is the way his love surrounds me and protects me when I am with him or far away from him. It is something in the way he believes in me and sees the good in me even when I fuck up. It is all in the way he loves me with his whole heart.

This is everything I always had but never knew I needed and once took for granted. We have been through some tough shit recently, and some way and somehow, he found it in his soul and heart to give our love and marriage a fighting chance. I have no idea how I took this for granted, but damn. I have been missing out. I was oblivious to the obvious of what I had right in front of me.

Enough about that. I am already grinning like a Cheshire, and my cheeks hurt.

I am snuggling up with my little duckie and taking it easy for now. It is too pretty of a day to sit inside. Plus, I slept for 11/15 hours on the flight. I will unpack over the weekend. Duckie #2 and I have a charity event to attend from 11-2. DH and duckie #1 are gone to a children's detective's day and attending a Little Mermaid tea at 12, I believe.

We have counselling and a date tonight, so we will get some face-to-face QT time in tonight. Our communication has come a long way. I am proud of us. I am very much looking forward to tonight.

I hope everyone is doing well.
 
Sounds to me like things are going well and even Matt's posts have been upbeat lately. Hope your couseling and stuff goes well.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Part I

Yesterday, DH and I were reunited after being apart for almost two weeks. I missed him terribly when I was gone.

Due to prior obligations, we were apart for most of the afternoon. We had lunch with our children, and then, we left them with Nanny J, while we went to counselling from 4-5:15. Counselling was different in a good way. DH opened up to me about his fears about what is going to happen after this crazy accelerated dopamine level drops and how he feels from day to day. I know how hard it is for him to open up to me, but when he does, it gives me a clearer glimpse in to his heart and his mind. He is a host of emotions. He revealed how it is a struggle to open up to me privately, but he made sure to tell me that he is actively working on that. Since he has an aversion to saying anything negative about poly, he did reveal what it was he specifically disliked about poly and why he felt that way. Dr. L. wants to expand on that in the next session. He revealed the thoughts and actions that lead to his return. I can honestly say that he bared his soul and shed a few tears when we got to the parking lot. I wiped his tears and just held him. For us, that openness was a huge deal. It signifies that the trust is continuing to grow, and some part of him feels comfortable with being vulnerable and open to me. I hope we continue on this path because I think we are finally, finally, FINALLY on a healthy path. Glory.

We are still working on integration, balance, and retaining our identities and respective interests. We have 13 years of separate lives to integrate in to one. Yes, they intersected at some points, but that is not the case for all aspects. There were things I was doing with Si that he had no part of. There were things he was doing when I was with her that I could not realistically be part of because I was with her. We have actually found a balance. He gets a break from me, our children, and just goes out with his friends. I am loving getting to know who he is, what he is about, and the man that he has become.

We ended the session on a fun note. She asked how our communication was during my holiday? We told her that we talked every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. We were sending flirty texts, having Skype sex, saying "I love you" just because, and getting back to the core of our love. She was pleased with that. Adding another little marker on our progress.

After our session, he asked if I wanted to go home right then, or if we could go for a walk? It was unexpected, but it was perfect. We just held hands and enjoyed the beautiful weather for 15 minutes. It was just enough time to reconnect, reflect on the previous 75 minutes, and enjoy being with one another.

We had dinner with our children and Nanny J around 6ish. She asked if she could take them to a dance/disco that was being sponsored by one of the children's hospitals. We happily agreed, and we saw them off at 6:30.
 
Seems like a pretty significant breakthrough in counseling. I am glad he is opening up and baring a vulnerable side.
 
I will be seeing my ex in a little under three weeks for my best friend's vow renewal weekend. I will be discussing this as the time gets closer. I want to avoid the awkward energy or run-ins, but DH and Si in close proximity with some bad blood still brewing between them is not going to be an easy feat. He will look through her, but she gets something out of provoking and irritating him. For that reason alone, I am on the fence about bringing our children to the reception because they could very well be a trigger for Si. Who is to say that she might not feel inclined to speak to either of them? Duckie #1's attitude towards her and DH's protectiveness may not be conducive to being around someone like Si. I have a bad feeling about it. They will be at the ceremony as we are all part of it. They might have to miss the reception, though. We will decide how to proceed within the next week.

I just hope it stays peaceful. He is not the confrontational type, but judging by recent behaviour, she can be. The only fireworks I want to see are the ones during the reception. I am praying that she will not cause a scene. We have had no contact since the day I decided to eliminate the possibility of us ever being friends. The day is not about us and all of our past drama. Civility and maturity will be tested, though.

I do know that I will not be asking DH to lay off on the PDA because of her feelings. Major lesson learned from the weekend in Northumberland. Never will I ever do that again. He can rest assured.
 
Well, I hope Si behaves, both for your sake and for your best friend's sake, as like you said, this is supposed to be a special day all about your best friend and hir renewed vows, not a day about Matt and Si's bad blood between each other. I'm thinking I'd strongly consider removing the kids from the reception environment, although I know that prospect sucks. There may be other occasions where the kids' mutual presence with Matt and Si can be appropriately tested. But now is probably not the time to take any chances.

Even without the kids at the reception, Si could easily confront Matt and push his buttons, so I hope she doesn't do that. She, too, should have the decency toward your best friend to respect the occasion, and not try to hijack it. Guess I'll just keep my fingers crossed for you guys. You deserve a little drama-free happiness.
 
It is the fear of not knowing what she might do that is driving me to be on the fence. I am strongly leaning towards letting them stay with Nanny J for the duration of the reception. My best friend understands the situation, and she is fine with whatever our decision is. I would rather not take any chances. Emotions might still be running high. This will be the first time I have seen her since that lunch we had last month, and the first face-to-face contact since I informed her that a friendship would not be feasible. It will also be the first time she has seen my children in months. It has bad idea written all over it.

I would hope she would not do that because I would step in, and it would get really ugly. It would be nice to have a drama-free evening with her around.
 
Indeed. I'll send some good ju-ju your way, and hope that Si has the good sense to leave someone else's renewal of vows and subsequent reception unscathed, if she can't add to the joy of the occasion herself.
 
Part II

I got sidetracked like something serious. This response was supposed to immediately follow the other one, but mummy and wifely duties called.

Back to Friday night aka the reunion night. We had reservations for pre-dinner drinks at 7:30. I am not sure if it was something in the water or the air, but the heat was turned up. Admittedly, I was doing things to turn him on and distract him. We did not leave the house until 7:20 for a 7:30 reservation. Pitiful, huh?

During dinner, I upped the ante. Liquid encouragement? Oh yes. I whispered in his ear how bad I wanted to fuck him. His facial expression said it all. When we got to the car, he told me, "You are going to have to back all of that talk up and let me see what is really up." Before slipping behind the wheel and intentionally rubbing against him, I told him, "He is up, but trust me, I can and will back it up."

Unfortunately, there was no sex, yet. Parenting duties came first. We made it home around 9:00 to put our little ones to bed. By 9:30, they were sleeping peacefully. DH and I went back out after they were in bed. We went to this grown and sexy lounge. When we were dancing, we were pretty damn hot. I love to watch him dance because he is so smooth. Our styles blend well together. He knows the language my body speaks as if it were his first language. It translates brilliantly on the dance floor.

When we got home, he woke Nanny J up, so she could retire. We said our good-nights to her, and I knew it was on. He had me up against the wall in the entryway. He asked, "Ready to prove that you are more than talk?" I asked him if he meant right in that spot, and he said, "Yeah. Quit stalling." He kissed me, and I felt his hand in between my thighs. Something about a series of spine tingling, knee buckling, toe curling orgasms just makes you want to slide down a wall. In a swift movement, my legs were wrapped around his waist, and he was inside of me. My body welcomed as much of him as it could handle. My breathing increased with every stroke. I had to cling to him and ride the wave of pleasure that consumed me. I felt like I had been hit by a thunderbolt. He had me turned on, turned out, and wondering what was going to happen next. Little did I know, that was just the start.

I needed to regain my composure after that. I took a shower with him to calm my body down. I was still feeling the aftermath of our previous session. He got out of the shower after me and just watched me putting on moisturiser and putting my hair up. He asked if we could do something, and I was hesitant at first but agreed. He went in to my closet and brought out two scarves. He tied me my hands to the bed. Tight enough to keep me in place but loose enough for me to slip out if I had to. He informed me that if anything was going to be happening in between or on the sheets, I would have to tell him what I wanted. :eek: <-- my face.

He asked me where I wanted his mouth, his hands, etc. With his mouth, it started with a kiss. After every brush of his lips on my skin, he would ask if it was there or somewhere else that I wanted him? He moved down to the nape of my neck, my décolletage, my nipples, in between my breasts, the plane of my abdomen, the spot right below my navel, each leg from hip to foot (inner and outer), and when he placed his mouth on me and tasted me, I arched up to meet the his tongue and said, "There!" That was all I could get out. Between his fingers and mouth, I ascended that high many times over. At one point, when he was kissing me and fingering me, I was within seconds of exploding again. I looked him in his eyes and told him, "I want to feel you inside of me right now." Before he gave me what I wanted, he untied me. Our lovemaking was different than the first time. In a totally uncharacteristic move, I started weeping. He asked if I was okay and if I needed a minute. He did not move until I gave him the okay to do so. He was so tender and patient.

I cried because I felt wide open and had nothing to hide behind. No clothing. No dim lighting. I swear my body never bounced back completely after my pregnancies, so I was never overly confident with my post-pregnancy body. I bitched about the pesky 4.6 kgs I was holding on to until a few months ago. 4.6 measly kgs, and one could have sworn it was 46.

I am not even sure he knew what he had done right then, but he broke down the wall of insecurity I had surrounding my body. He looked at me as if I had the perfect body and was most beautiful woman in the world. He appreciated everything--including my godawful hysterotomy scar, and I saw no reason to be insecure. Usually, I would want to hide it and cover up immediately, but I was totally comfortable and secure last night. Even after I was untied. That was the first time that has happened. There is something to be said about allowing yourself to be vulnerable and trusting with your whole heart and being.

We cuddled after and talked about the tears. He thinks my body is perfect and does not understand why I would want to hide it from him. Like I told him, I think the scar is disgusting. He believes otherwise and appreciates what it represents: the birth of our son. I can look at it like that. Tying me up was one way to insure that he would be able to admire my body in its entirety without me stopping him. Kudos to him for pushing me outside of my comfort zone and helping me see that there is nothing wrong with my body. As I always do, I curled up in his arms, laid my head on his chest, and slept peacefully for the rest of the night. I sleep better when in his arms.

What a journey to the new normal this has been. 30 weeks, 5 days down and a lifetime to go. Some highs. Some lows. Some great sex. Some real life changing decisions. Ready and willing to tackle whatever comes my way. :D
 
You're right, it is kind of hot in here ... :eek:
 
You're right, it is kind of hot in here ... :eek:

Haha. I shocked myself with that post. I am usually so reserved and demure. My, my, my!
 
Heheh, well, that aside, I guess I should say it's pretty cool to know that Matt wants *all* of you. :)
 
I am happy that he wants all of me. He has me feeling like I am the only woman alive for him. Very delightful feeling. I most certainly have a reason to blush and smile from ear to ear. :)

This morning has been pretty good. Nothing major to report. Everything is pretty normal and mellow around here these days.

Today's agenda:

breakfast with the little ones ✓
something fun with duckie #2 (thinking about taking him to the park)
lunch date with DH during mini me's nap time
frozen yoghurt and cupcakes with duckie #1 for our mummy-n-me date
counselling
family dinner
unofficial date night (gala dinner)

Duckie #2 is clinging to DH like I am not here. :rolleyes: He is a funny acting little something. The joys of parenting.

Happy Friday!
 
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Sounds like you have a busy but enjoyable day lined up. Well, it would be considered busy in my world! :) My agenda is, like, catch up on Polyamory.com, eat dinner, watch TV, and go to bed. Maybe not quite that simple, but close.

Have fun and may the Force be with you during counseling. :cool:
 
A different tone. Anniversary reaction.

I could not sleep last night, and DH stayed up and held me while I cried on and off for over two hours. I cried so much and so hard that I have a headache now. He did not have to say a word because I knew he could feel what I was feeling. I guess he has been waiting for this day and probably dreading it. I hate this time of year. My great-grandmother's 96th birthday would have been 31st October, and 26th November marks five years since her passing. Usually, I have just worked through it and kept myself distracted. This year is different.

Lately, I have been missing her more than usual. I walked in to my closet, and I saw her obituary and the programme from her funeral. It just made it real all over again. I can still remember the last time I saw her. It was 1st November, and our family hosted a party for her 91st birthday. The last thing I said to her was, "I love you." I had no idea those would be the last words I would say to her.

I will never forget the night I found out. Matt answered the call, and he walked in with tears in his eyes. He did not have to say it because something did not feel right. He told me she had a heart attack, and they tried to save her but the efforts were in vain. She was already gone when she got to the hospital. I was in disbelief and in denial. I had just seen her three weeks before. I could not believe it. On the day of the funeral, we drove to the place where she was born because the church she attended was close to her home. I was fine most of the drive, but when we passed the fork in the road to go to her home, it hit me that I would never need to travel down that road again. I broke down, and the pain hit like a ton of bricks. I started replaying the last time I had saw her. I remembered her smile and every detail about her. I just wanted to see her again. I would have given anything for that moment.

My mum had just given birth to my baby brother eight days before my great-grandmother's death, and I was pregnant with my daughter. I remember feeling my baby kicking during the funeral and realising that she would never meet her. Just like my little brother would never have the chance to meet her. I have never felt pain like that before. When they opened the casket, I could not breathe. Matt did not want me to look at her for fear that I would put distress on our baby, but I had to. I needed to touch her for the last time. She was laying there with a smile on her face, and she looked so peaceful. That face is emblazoned in my memory. I was in too much pain to cry. After the burial, we all went to her house. Everything was still in the same spot like she was just gone on a trip. I have not been inside of that house since 3 December 2008. Some of my happiest memories are inside, and I cannot bring myself to go inside again.

I have been dreaming about her recently, but the dream is always incomplete when I wake up. I never get to hug her, and that was always the last thing I did before I would leave her house. The dreams I have had are so vivid that I can smell certain scents and recall details of the rooms in her house. I can hear her saying my name.I want them to stop because they hurt and leave me feeling empty.

I was so angry with God for taking her away from me that I walked away from the church and all religion until February of this year. I wanted to know what kind of entity would inflict this kind of pain. I questioned why? She had survived so many things that year alone and in her life, and a heart attack was the thing that took her away? She had survived every natural disaster known to man, a leg amputation in the late 90s, open heart surgery, a fire that almost claimed her life months before her death, losing her husband, two children, five brothers, two sisters, and her parents. Why was the only question I had. You do not survive all of that to succumb to a heart attack. Subconsciously, I was angry with her for not fighting hard enough for her life and taking the easy way out. I know. I know. Irrational, but judging by the state of grief I am in, that reaction is normal.

I have put off grieving over her for years. Now, that I have finally started, my heart is so sad. Tears just kept falling last night. I have never cried that much in my life. Every time I thought I was all cried out, they started again. I will be fine in time. This too shall pass. It is supposed to get easier. If only I had went through this years ago.

I am trying to squeeze a trip in to the UK because I want to go visit her final resting place. I have not been able to bring myself to visit. I never dreamed I would talk to stone instead of her. Imagine how crazy that is going to look. Sitting there talking to a stone. Five years, and it feels like it just happened yesterday. Despite it being the one thing that will probably hurt the most, this is something I have to do. Alone.
 
As an atheist, I have a visceral grudge against death. I don't like its irreversability, and I resent that it robs us of the best people ever.

I don't buy such platitudes as, "Well, she lived a good long life, and was loved by everyone." There's no such thing as a good time to die. I lost a very special uncle a few years ago, and sat next to my older brother during the funeral. My brother isn't exactly known as a sentimental person, but he broke down and sobbed and sobbed during the funeral. My family has never been very tactile, but I held my brother then, as best I could. That uncle's warm and wonderful spirit is gone, just gone.

I don't believe in killing anybody. It's just too extreme. Find another way, to fix the person, to get justice, or whatever. Don't suck the last breath out of someone.

Which makes me a big fat hypocrite, because I can't seem to convince myself to become a strict vegetarian. I poignantly remember every pet I've ever lost. All I want now is to bring them back.

I lost my wife this year. Of course she was kind of gone already, with how advanced her Alzheimer's had become. But I'm selfish. I miss her face. I also rue the thankless attitude I subjected her to when she was first getting so lost and confused. Shame on me, and I'll never get a chance to revisit the past and repair it.

She now shares a plot (having been cremated) with a wonderful aunt of hers in the sleepy far-off town where she was born. She'll get a headstone with an emblem of two cats embracing, which is so her given how she had a cat by her side for most of her life. But the headstone isn't done yet, and I feel some lack of closure as a result.

It will be a long time before I get back to that out-of-the-way town to see her completed grave, and it will almost certainly be my last visit. Personally, I couldn't bring myself to speak to the stone, though I know that's a time-honored tradition for almost everyone. I'm sure I'll just stand there, mixed with relief knowing she's no longer suffering, and aching with the emptiness her keen, gentle words and acts once filled.

And in all of this, I'll know that I, too, have an appointment with the Reaper.

So, will this be your first visit to your great-grandmother's gravesite since she passed away? Perhaps something about having moved so far away from that place is prompting you to go back. I am sorry the pain has scaled to such epic levels, and even sorrier we can't bring your great-grandmother back. I'm sure she would come back if she could.
 
Well, I am back in the UK. I have struggled with posting this because it is just too damn hard. This is not how I pictured my return. We returned for two very sad reasons. My great aunt died Monday, and the same night, I found out that my uncle (by marriage) was not doing well. His liver shut down in late July/early August. They knew if they placed him on the list, he would not live to get it. Lo and behold, after two months on hospice, and he is barely hanging on. In not so many words, I was pretty much advised that I needed to get on a flight asap. I am numb right now. I am in our old home, and I have isolated myself for the time being. We are going to my parents home in a couple of hours. I need to keep myself busy and distracted (posting here). Initially, I thought I could handle all of this alone, but I needed my husband and family with me.

This is the first time I have been home since all the drama with Si ended, and I have found that I am getting increasingly irritated with my [paternal] family asking about her. They are trying to stir something up. They know her family, and the younger generation runs in the same social circles as some of relatives. My relatives live and breathe drama. Most of them are poisonous. I choose to limit contact with them to a mere handful. They have never met my children and never will. I am close to the aunt, her husband, and daughter who are weathering this storm. The rest of them? They can kiss my derrière. I am supporting them for my aunt, uncle, and daddy, because that is his sister and brother-in-law. My mum's family understands not to bring her up. This side? Dear heaven. I think I made it pretty clear. "She is not part of our family. Refrain from asking about her. Since you all like to talk, spread the word that I am living monogamously, too." Matt decided it was time to go after that. I am glad he did.

I might as well post about the other thing. My best friend is in love with me, and often wished/wishes that we could get back together. She is aware of the state of our marriage and how it is. She knows about the agreement, too, so it is not like she expects me to act on what she said. I am the last one to know about her feelings. Matt picked up on it months ago. We broke up in 1999 after four years together. She was the hinge of a V. The other leg was her boyfriend-turned-husband. It did not end on bad terms. She was attending university in the States, and I was attending elsewhere. The distance was far too much, so we just transitioned back to being best friends. She is my children's godmother. We talk every day. She has been a huge part of my support system in all that has been going on within my marriage.

Her poly life works well for her. She and her hubby have been together since 1993 and married 15 of those years. They have been open and closed at various points. They have one child together, who is 14. They are in a triad, and the 10 year anniversary mark of it is approaching. The triad formed naturally. Bestie met her girlfriend in 2001. The husband/girlfriend were friends for two years, and romance slowly came in to the picture. The husband/girlfriend have an 8 year old together. It was a planned pregnancy. Both of their children call them mum, but they know who gave birth to them. The girlfriend has one other relationship, and it is with her boyfriend's sister. Bestie is an unofficial triad with the same woman. They are tertiary/kind of FWB, date at random, and do not place their dyad as being of high importance. It was mutually decided on by both of them, and they prefer not to label it. I know they love one another, but that dynamic works for them. All the families know about the ins and outs. I guess the most shocking element was the brother, sister, and DIL are dating the same woman. That was probably what surprised them the most. They are supportive. Their children are delights to be around. The only gripe the 14 year old has is that with three parents, she cannot get away with much because one of them is always close. Other than that, she is fine with it.

I know my best friend would never do anything to jeopardise my marriage, and she knows I am happy. We have had a full disclosure policy since we were 7 or 8. I remember pinky swearing and promising to always be honest with one another. I guess the time was never right for her to tell me. The dust has settled, and she needed to get it off her chest. I have no idea how to process it. DH brought it up on the second leg of our journey here, and his opinions were not what I was expecting. She is arriving tomorrow night to attend the funeral with us on Saturday. Maybe we will get to talk face-to-face before we go our separate ways again. I cannot entertain the idea of a relationship with her because I committed to what we have now. I can hear her out, though.

What a week it has been. This too shall pass.
 
So, am I reading this right, a second death, and a third death on the way? You certainly have been getting hit by the losses lately.

Did you know about your great aunt's passing before deciding to take Matt and the kids with you, or was it just relatively fortunate that you made that call? I presume you're still planning to visit your great-grandmother's gravesite?

I never knew my relatives that well, especially those of the older generations, as they all passed away before I was born or when I was very young. I barely remember my mother's mother, and my mother's father, I don't think I quite remember him at all. I just see pictures of him.

Just yesterday I received three photos from the cemetary in Halfway, Oregon, where my wife was born. Her headstone has been placed, and her grave is completed. It is a relief, a sense of closure. The engraving on the headstone looks just right, so all is well as far as laying her to rest is concerned. I guess in a way it's merely a necessary step in allowing me to start the mourning process for real, but at least I don't have to worry about it so much anymore.

Wow, what's up with your paternal family? They seem to have an addiction for traumatic excitement. You must have been adopted, as you're happier when things are peaceful. I'm glad your mum's family has let the matter of your ex drop.

That's a little sad that your best friend is just now expressing a renewed interest in you, and you're not really in a position to reciprocate. Sounds like she has quite a bit of love in her life to console her though.

Re:
"DH brought it up on the second leg of our journey here, and his opinions were not what I was expecting."

Can you elaborate? I am curious about this.

Hope the rest of your trip is a little more pleasant.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
The death of third relative is pending. I cannot wrap my head around that. I was at a loss as to what to say to my aunt. She is waiting for the love of her life to die, and his bedroom is directly across the hall from hers, so she is just watching and waiting. She is heartbroken, and I have no idea how to comfort her. She was surprised to see me, and I stayed with her for awhile. I did not get to talk to my uncle because he was out it. He is being administered Morphine for pain management. He has lost so much weight, and he was not big to begin with. He had no weight to lose. I am not sure I can bring myself to talk to him if he wakes up. I had to correct my cousin when she said something about him in past tense like he was dead. No matter how out of it he is, he can still hear.

My family is really close, so the older generations have always been integral parts of our lives. My great-grandmother helped raise me. She was quite influential in my life, and I find that most of the things I do even after her passing are things I want her to be proud of me for. It is the same with great aunts and uncles. My great aunt and uncle were married 44 years, so there has never been a time when she was not in my life.

My great aunt was scheduled to have open heart surgery last Thursday. My grandmother sent a text stating that her children were coming in from Wales, and I was like, "Okay. Maybe she will be okay." The doctors decided not to operate. In not so many words, they were sure that if they put her under, she would not wake up again. She had 75% blockage. With all the heart issues, she went in to renal failure and was on dialysis. My great uncle called my grandmother Monday morning around 4 AM, and he said she was being transported to the closest hospital. By 5 AM, she was gone. COD is believed to be a massive heart attack. That funeral is set for Saturday afternoon.

Initially, I was going to go alone after finding out about my aunt. I had already decided to leave Wednesday for a Thursday arrival. I had talked to Nanny J and Matt to make sure they could handle them for the remainder of the school week and the weekend. He was trying not to step on my toes and give me space, but Matt knows me.

Then Monday night, I got a call from my daddy. He had received a call from his sister, who was passing along a message from their sister. My uncle was not doing well, and hospice was not sure he would make it through the night. I was like, "Are you kidding me?" I found out about my great aunt 12 hours before, and then, that?

Matt was apprehensive after the second call, and he flat out told me that he did not think I was in the position to handle all of this by myself. He invited himself on the trip. I do not mind. He keeps me calm. He took care of everything Tuesday, carried on as normal Wednesday, and made sure work was covered for Thursday, as he does not work on Friday's. Nanny J is with us and is watching them while we attend the funeral on Saturday. He picked up my daughter's school work after school on Wednesday.

I knew my uncle's situation, but I did not expect it to go down at this accelerated speed. It was during my birthday weekend that I found out about him going on hospice. His doctors and specialists were certain that he would not survive long enough for a transplant. My aunt opted against him being treated as an in-patient and wanted him to be comfortable at home. Two months later, obviously, they were right. Surviving long-term without a functioning liver is impossible.

My paternal relatives live for drama. I have kept my distance since I was 11. I am respectful because they are my daddy's relatives, but do I care to be around all of them at once? No. I like certain ones. My mum's family is very quiet and the total opposite, and I have taken after that side. Outside of their thirst for drama, they frown upon people who make something of themselves. My cousin's mother accused her of thinking she was better than the family for attending university and graduate school. Is it any wonder I feel no desire to bring my children around them?

I am trying to figure out how my daddy was raised in the same home as his brothers and sisters, but he is so different. He is quiet and very down to earth. They drink like fish. He may have a beer or a glass of whiskey a couple of times a year. They have an aversion to working. He owns a company. He has been married to the same woman for almost 40 years. The males average 2-4 wives before 40 and have children by all of them. I could swear he was adopted, but he is his father's twin.
 
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