I am sorry that you are having this dilemma; however, I am glad you didn't leave the forum like you thought about doing after you posted your first thread.
So I'm not sure if I understand correctly - did the three of you have this discussion face-to-face, or not?
HA! the THREE of us talk together about this... so NOT going to happen. AND YES I KNOW THAT'S NOT RIGHT. I know that it's best if the three of us can sit and talk and not have me be the middle man back and forth. I think J could deal with it now...although the first night when we had a chance he wanted to talk to me alone and that pissed B off and started us off on the wrong foot...
Sadly for me, B is not comfortable with this. He is so afraid of losing me. J lives 2 hours away and I can't even get B to talk with him on the phone or via email even though they have known each other nearly 3 years... They were never close friends... not even friends.. just friendly and now B views him as a rival... B can't see how having J in my life enhances my feelings for him..
J probably would be more amenable to being Poly and being secondary and being ok with all that... but there is no sense in my even talking to him about it until I can get B on board... I mean what's the point in even broaching the subject if B can't deal? J as a secondary relationship for me suits me so well. In my ideal world I would have both.
In reality I have to deal with the current stipulations from B:
1. he can't even bear to hear me talk about J as a secondary relationship. I can only call him MY FRIEND
2. he currently (as of this morning which is a change from last night even) states.. if he knew I was only going to have sex with J once he could deal with it... he could even deal with my continuing to be friends with J if we only had sex ONCE... and that would include my going up to see J... and not have overnights if B was not going to be away overnight.. (as of last night it was NOT having sex EVER with J)...
3. I can talk to J, I can talk about J, I can go and SEE J... he just can't see me having an ongoing sexual relationship with him.
J and I had already agreed to table sex for around 3 months to try to help B deal with his comfort level... I told B this...
There has been a subtle emotional shift in J since our visit that I'm picking up on.... a bit more emotionally open to me and a bit more dependent on me for input and support in things... so not like J from what I know of him
B also has shifted to being more attentive and more loving... and CRYING A LOT... it's so hard when 6'4" 290 pounds cries in my lap like a baby....
B is so scared. and he has no need to be. but only time will heal this for him...
I really really really don't want to give up my friendship with J.
I would MUCH rather have a full relationship with him.. that was the original intent.. NSA sex.. but I think B thought it would be a one shot deal...
now... things are changing...
B is my heart and soul and my life partner and my love and my husband.
J is the counter weight to B... J is not a BETTER man than B (what B thinks) but J is a DIFFERENT man from B... so very different in so many ways that the ONLY things these two men have in common are gaming and ME... that's it.
I'm hurting. I'm hurting for B and his fears that I can't assuage. I"m hurting for ME for being torn and not being able to make B feel better because I REFUSE to lie to him about how I feel about J.... and I hurt for J for not even knowing yet the full extent of what's going on down here... (and it's NOT something I can tell him in email and phone calls right now are limited due to time constraints on his end and timing issues on mine)
IF B cannot COPE with this I can't even begin to bring it up with J.... I can't see that. and i surely can't see J and I presenting this to B... he will take that as an attack and as us ganging up on him...