Hello everyone! I've been thinking about my situation a lot and wanted to get some advice, but I don't really want to talk to the poly people I know because they know my partner and I figure that there are a great variety of opinions and advice on the internet, so here I am.
I have been with my male partner, B, for 5 years. He has always wanted kids and I've generally been less than thrilled about the idea. I think he would be a great dad, I just have had depression and anxiety for most of my life (since elementary/middle school) and the thought of adding children into my list of responsibilities and stressors seems like a terrible idea. As some hetero/bisexual women can attest, and a great deal of research supports, when a man and a woman move in together, no matter how feminist-leaning they are, they tend to fall into more "traditionally gendered" roles, including house cleaning and financial decisions. He makes a significant amount more than I do and I still don't have a steady job (working on my medication with my therapist right now towards that goal.) Since he's working normal-ish hours and I'm at home a lot more, it's expected that I will do a lot more of the housework, which I do and I don't mind too much.
It's just... the situation takes such a mental toll on me. Whenever he does do housework, it's like he expects a fricken medal. He also just leaves things around the house: his clothes go on the floor and may stay there for days if I don't pick them up. He *might* fill up an empty soap container then then he'll leave the empty refill bottle out on the counter (doesn't think, oh gee, this is empty, maybe I should put it in the recycling bin?). He'll open mail then leave the stack there on the table without recycling or throwing it away. I asked him to go through a bunch of boxes (you know, ones you may throw in the garage in case you need to return something or it may move better if it's in the original box) so that we can free up some space, and I have to stand next to him and ask "What about those boxes in the back? What about this one in the office?" It's like he just doesn't SEE the clutter, the mess, the things he takes out but doesn't put away, the consumed groceries that should be put on the grocery list. It doesn't occur to him that, "Oh, I used the last paper towel, I should put another role on" or "I just used the last of the juice, maybe I should look ALL THE WAY in the back of the pantry to see if we have more." I already kind of feel like I'm picking up after a child managing a household mostly by myself.
I'm partially mad and resentful about this, but I'm also conscious of the way society influences our expected gender roles and can't be too mad at him for the way we were socialized. Young women are conditioned to look for (and clean) messes and young men are conditioned to complete action items on a list (but not to care too much about cleaning up after themselves or other people.) Most of the chores he does, I have to ask him to do. I've put up a goddamned chore list because I'm sick of having to verbally ask him to do everything. I'm resentful because I have to nag and hound a grown-ass adult to take care of a house that is HIS TOO, that he should share in the responsibilities of maintaining it. He tells me not to think of it as nagging, but I still feel angry when I don't say anything and he doesn't take the initiative, angry when I have to write a chore list, angry when I have to tell him "Hey, you left this out and I'm not picking it up. You need to pick up after yourself." It's an emotional stressor that follows me around everywhere.
We've talked about marriage and he doesn't want to get legally married unless I agree to bear his children. It's important to him to have that legal connection to the mother of his children. Since we are poly, we have discussed the option of him having children with another woman who would be in a poly family with us (this hypothetical woman would not need to have a sexual or romantic relationship with me.) In the mean time, we are planning a commitment ceremony because I've always dreamed of having a wedding and he's also excited about celebrating our relationship.
I've decided that if this is going to work, if I'm going to consider bearing children or taking care of our household's potential children, I need help. Specifically, I would need another woman to help share the childcare responsibilities, the chores, the errands. For the reasons I've outlined above, it would have to be another woman and I don't trust that another man would lessen the stress. Ideally this woman would be a poly partner, next best would be a trusted friend who wanted to share a household and these responsibilities (without a sexual or romantic connection), and third best would be to hire a nanny. Au pairs have their advantages but they are not expected to be with a family for more than a couple of years and that's not something I want to invest in, knowing that the au pair's tenure would likely end in a couple years and I'd be back to square one.
So, here are some questions:
1) How could I maybe arrange to have another female household member who doesn't feel like a live-in babysitter? In the case of a nanny, how would one manage the working relationship while creating a familial feel? I've known multiple poly couples who have a third partner move in with them and the third ends up feeling like a live-in babysitter, the odd person out, a less valued member of the household. How can this be done equitably so that the additional woman would feel valued and honored?
I do realize that I would be somewhat hypocritical if I expected another woman to contribute to my household without leaving room for the possibility that she may also want to bear children, to have a ceremony or marriage of her own, her own room/space, to share in the responsibilities and decision making of the household, etc, so I'm starting with these ideas.
If you are/have been in a similar situation, how do/did you make it work?
2) If you are living/have lived with a partner who has/had a similar non-concern for household chores and errands, what advice can you give me for getting him to help more and lessen these burdens on me?
I have been with my male partner, B, for 5 years. He has always wanted kids and I've generally been less than thrilled about the idea. I think he would be a great dad, I just have had depression and anxiety for most of my life (since elementary/middle school) and the thought of adding children into my list of responsibilities and stressors seems like a terrible idea. As some hetero/bisexual women can attest, and a great deal of research supports, when a man and a woman move in together, no matter how feminist-leaning they are, they tend to fall into more "traditionally gendered" roles, including house cleaning and financial decisions. He makes a significant amount more than I do and I still don't have a steady job (working on my medication with my therapist right now towards that goal.) Since he's working normal-ish hours and I'm at home a lot more, it's expected that I will do a lot more of the housework, which I do and I don't mind too much.
It's just... the situation takes such a mental toll on me. Whenever he does do housework, it's like he expects a fricken medal. He also just leaves things around the house: his clothes go on the floor and may stay there for days if I don't pick them up. He *might* fill up an empty soap container then then he'll leave the empty refill bottle out on the counter (doesn't think, oh gee, this is empty, maybe I should put it in the recycling bin?). He'll open mail then leave the stack there on the table without recycling or throwing it away. I asked him to go through a bunch of boxes (you know, ones you may throw in the garage in case you need to return something or it may move better if it's in the original box) so that we can free up some space, and I have to stand next to him and ask "What about those boxes in the back? What about this one in the office?" It's like he just doesn't SEE the clutter, the mess, the things he takes out but doesn't put away, the consumed groceries that should be put on the grocery list. It doesn't occur to him that, "Oh, I used the last paper towel, I should put another role on" or "I just used the last of the juice, maybe I should look ALL THE WAY in the back of the pantry to see if we have more." I already kind of feel like I'm picking up after a child managing a household mostly by myself.
I'm partially mad and resentful about this, but I'm also conscious of the way society influences our expected gender roles and can't be too mad at him for the way we were socialized. Young women are conditioned to look for (and clean) messes and young men are conditioned to complete action items on a list (but not to care too much about cleaning up after themselves or other people.) Most of the chores he does, I have to ask him to do. I've put up a goddamned chore list because I'm sick of having to verbally ask him to do everything. I'm resentful because I have to nag and hound a grown-ass adult to take care of a house that is HIS TOO, that he should share in the responsibilities of maintaining it. He tells me not to think of it as nagging, but I still feel angry when I don't say anything and he doesn't take the initiative, angry when I have to write a chore list, angry when I have to tell him "Hey, you left this out and I'm not picking it up. You need to pick up after yourself." It's an emotional stressor that follows me around everywhere.
We've talked about marriage and he doesn't want to get legally married unless I agree to bear his children. It's important to him to have that legal connection to the mother of his children. Since we are poly, we have discussed the option of him having children with another woman who would be in a poly family with us (this hypothetical woman would not need to have a sexual or romantic relationship with me.) In the mean time, we are planning a commitment ceremony because I've always dreamed of having a wedding and he's also excited about celebrating our relationship.
I've decided that if this is going to work, if I'm going to consider bearing children or taking care of our household's potential children, I need help. Specifically, I would need another woman to help share the childcare responsibilities, the chores, the errands. For the reasons I've outlined above, it would have to be another woman and I don't trust that another man would lessen the stress. Ideally this woman would be a poly partner, next best would be a trusted friend who wanted to share a household and these responsibilities (without a sexual or romantic connection), and third best would be to hire a nanny. Au pairs have their advantages but they are not expected to be with a family for more than a couple of years and that's not something I want to invest in, knowing that the au pair's tenure would likely end in a couple years and I'd be back to square one.
So, here are some questions:
1) How could I maybe arrange to have another female household member who doesn't feel like a live-in babysitter? In the case of a nanny, how would one manage the working relationship while creating a familial feel? I've known multiple poly couples who have a third partner move in with them and the third ends up feeling like a live-in babysitter, the odd person out, a less valued member of the household. How can this be done equitably so that the additional woman would feel valued and honored?
I do realize that I would be somewhat hypocritical if I expected another woman to contribute to my household without leaving room for the possibility that she may also want to bear children, to have a ceremony or marriage of her own, her own room/space, to share in the responsibilities and decision making of the household, etc, so I'm starting with these ideas.
If you are/have been in a similar situation, how do/did you make it work?
2) If you are living/have lived with a partner who has/had a similar non-concern for household chores and errands, what advice can you give me for getting him to help more and lessen these burdens on me?