Thanks for sharing, onoma!
It looks like our experiences are definitely similar in spirit, if possibly different in focus. The way you describe your fear resonates with me. By the way you describe your "doubt," I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess you have OCD.
I don't think I'm fearful of sex, but I am fearful of social interaction. I'm 99% sure I have Asperger's syndrome. I suppose sex is the ultimate social interaction, but since it's relatively straightforward, it's far less nerve-wracking than small talk, flirting, navigating the approach to more intimate conversation, decoding signals of receptivity, etc. Then, when I'm interested in someone, I get limerent over nothing, start obsessing about reciprocation, and scare the living daylights out of her with bizzare gestures.
Feeling socially inferior has a long history with me because I skipped second grade, and always felt like an outcast or behind my peers. This sort of all came to a head when I started college engaged to my high school girlfriend, who moved to the opposite coast simply because I couldn't deal with breaking up. I wanted to start something with a girl or two at my school, but was usually oblivious to their signals, had little interest in meaningless sex, and couldn't bring myself to be deceptive.
After a concert at the student union, at which I had extemporaneously dropped acid, I had this epiphany that everyone was looking for someone to screw, that they were tuned into this social energy which was lost on me, that I was going to spend the next six loopy hours and the rest of my undergraduate days alone, and that I had to end it with my fiancee. I don't remember much else, because I almost died from grand mal seizures and respiratory arrest, and woke up to tubes being pulled out of my throat and urethra in the ICU.
I haven't really put this all behind me, and the desire to grow beyond it is a big motivation for my pursuit of polyamory. Of course I am fearful. I guess what I'm doing now isn't that healthy either, though, because I'm probably trying to be someone I'm not and feigning being DTF.
Maybe I was too quick to dismiss everyone's advice that I take things more slowly.
Egad. Hopefully I've buried this all far down enough in this thread so it never sees the light of day after the thread goes cold.
Anyway, I have some more comments on what you said below.
1) You need to relax and get out of your head
2) Don't let yourself worry that it will happen, worrying is what makes it happen
3) You need more time with these new women to trust them, and feel comfortable with them.
4) A scrip may not help. If you are mentally turned off drugs just don't help you much. I have never successfully had sex with viagara, levitra, etc... but have learned to do so without them.
5) Find a sex therapist, they can help.
1) LOL
2) Yeah, but worrying that I'm going to worry about it is just as bad. Honestly, I've really just accepted the fact that it will happen, and don't really worry about it, since I know it will end eventually. But that acceptance produces the same result.
3) Gotcha
4) I am definitely not turned off. This seems like exactly the situation where the placebo effect would work wonders, too. However, I suppose you speak from experience.
5) If that becomes necessary, I think I'll just see a pro Domme and keep fucking my wife.
You're worrying that you're broken.
Don't really have that about the physical issue, but mentally, yes.
Think back, did this happen with your wife when you first had sex with her? What got you over the issue? Betting it wasn't that you were suddenly older... but that you felt comfortable with her.
Very interesting, because I got together with my wife not long after the acid trip, and we were only together for a week or two before I was sent home for the semester. Yes, I did have difficulties during some of our first encounters. I suppose I felt quite comfortable after talking to her on the phone every day for months. Maybe you're right.
I guess what I'm saying is that you probably aren't comfortable enough with these new women. You just said you're really worried about things going wrong with her, right? That's what's stopping you. So what if she's ready after 2 dates? You aren't. You just aren't. She'll wait. She might even find you more intriguing for not going for it right away. Wait until you feel safe with her.
I get the comfort idea now, but I don't feel unready. If anything, I appreciate the opportunity to give her pleasure other ways because, while I feel more behind my peers than ever when it comes to dating, that is not the case with sex. I feel that snuggling and basking in her afterglow is just as valuable a step toward getting comfortable as going on a half-dozen dates and getting dumped because I bore her.
I have enjoyed it, and so have they, so what's the harm? Honestly, getting kinky with it and having her and her boyfriend humiliate me for my impotence sounds incredibly erotic, although likely impossible, because it would probably give me a raging hard-on. Isn't flooding a good idea anyway?
If jumping in the sack is going to get in the way of establishing a relationship, that might be a problem, but maybe that's good riddance to bad rubbish. Or if I get really attached and find out I mean nothing to her, that might be a problem, but part of why I'm getting out there is to get scraped up a little, anyway.