Struggling

Dustytx

Member
Well in my previous post I outlined my new poly relationship. My husband (T), lover (B), lover's wife (C) & I did spend the weekend at a "lifestyle" nudist resort. Overall we had a blast & Fri T & C participated in "soft play." They fell asleep in one bed while lover & I took to the other. Spending the entire night together has now happened twice between B & I. It's difficult for that to happen as we both love our spouses & wish to be respectful.

So B is a total flirt, a swinger & has an extremely high sex drive. This is really why we hit it off so well. However, it bothered me to watch him flirting with everyone in the room at a dance party. I know how he is & none of this has been a secret. It is actually part of why I find him so attractive. I'm very much the same way. I'm not at all jealous of T & the closeness he feels to C. Actually B & I were thrilled that they were spending time together.

All 4 of us ended up in the same bed in a play room Sat night. We were fully with our spouses as far as penetration but T & B were very attentive to us ladies together to make sure we were satisfied. Overall it was a jumble of touching, feeling & oral with an audience that left everyone feeling wonderful.

B & I had private time after our spouses went to bed (in separate beds this time.) We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves but spent the intimate act of sleeping in the arms of our spouses.

I'm analyzing my feelings at this point. Is it odd that I'm not jealous of my spouse or his but I'm jealous of attention that he gives to others outside of myself or his wife? I guess ultimately I'm wondering how others have handled similar situations & seeking reassurance.
 
Hi Dusty,

It sounds like you have a great thing going on and I'm very happy for you!

With regard to feeling jealous of your lover but not your spouse, I cannot relate personally but my partner has had similar feelings.

He and I are in a long-term, committed relationship and he has an LDR lover/girlfriend. He says that he feels more jealousy when she hooks up with someone else than when I do it. The way he explained it to me was that he was much more secure and sure of our connection so there was much less fear that he was missing out/might lose me when I am with another man. However, with his lover it is much newer and their connection is much more dependent on NRE/sex. So, when she is with other men, he feels more like he is missing out on something and like he might lose her. Does that make sense? It sounds weird when I write it but it totally makes sense in my head. :p

Dash
 
Hi, Dusty. My partner, Blue, is also very flirty and has a high sex drive. I can't keep up...just don't have the time or the energy for it, lol. I can't help with the differences in jealousy/insecurity between your partners but I think Dash is onto something. It makes sense to me. What I did want to say, is that for me, the jealousy got better with time...the more secure I feel in the relationship, the less likely I am to get jealous. Blue's also better at picking up on my moods and more likely to tone down the flirting in front of me when I'm going through a rough patch (because I think, in general, most of us are more likely to feel jealous or insecure when we're in a vulnerable place already.)

One thing that I use to do when I felt jealous was remind myself that Blue chose me because he wants me and loves me. That doesn't change just because he enjoys spending time with others.
 
Is it odd that I'm not jealous of my spouse or his but I'm jealous of attention that he gives to others outside of myself or his wife? I guess ultimately I'm wondering how others have handled similar situations & seeking reassurance.


Not odd. Makes sense to me. Only been with this man since April. Still working to bond/secure/stabilize this relationship.

You go away on a first trip and get to enjoy BIG attention from him. You are in the process of finding out and learning him in "trip mode." You are also in the process of learning about yourself in trip mode like this. And about dealing with supporting T and C exploring whatever they are exploring. Just one of those things is stimulating enough. Here you get several big stimulus things.

Now add the intense group sex scene with observers. Sounds like the group sex with an audience was super stimulating for you. I don't know how you all wound that scene down, but have you ever read about sub drop? Maybe there's elements of some kind of "drop" here. (I think any high stimulus sex can lead to drop potential. It doesn't have to be only in kink.)

Kinda reminds me of this old post. Perhaps that can help?

You might feel funky for a few days as you recover. It was only 2 days ago. It takes me at least 3 days to clear drop.

Talk to him about what you might like from him for aftercare first before he goes off to flirt with others. I could guess totally wrong... but to me you sound like you are fine with him flirting, just that maybe you are discovering you might prefer he help wind the scene down a bit better first for all players? Help combat any potential drop with you better? THEN go be Mr Flirty.

Which in turn could help you feel more secure in this newish unfolding relationship.

Galagirl
 
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With Hubby and my previous boyfriends, the thought of them flirting with or hooking up with other women bothered me a lot. I freely admit my self-esteem isn't what it could be, and so I was always afraid that if a guy who was with me met someone else, he would think she was better than me and would abandon me for her. (I also freely admit to having abandonment issues. I work on it.)

It probably didn't help that Hubby's monogamous, S2 can't figure his damn self out, and Guy never wanted a relationship to begin with because he was traveling so much. Any one of them had the potential to not be able to handle two relationships, even if one was purely sexual, and I worried that I would be the one to lose out in that case. (And I was the one to lose out with S2, but there were other problems than him meeting someone new.)

With Boots, the guy I've just met... He already has a girlfriend, and that doesn't bother me. She's an established part of his life, and I know she doesn't have a problem with him seeing someone else because she's the one who told him he should. I'm not worried about him thinking she's better than me or anything like that. She's her, I'm me, we're both good people as far as he's concerned. I don't know if Boots would say he's polyamorous, but he's got the mindset at least.

But... if Boots were to meet someone else now that I'm in his life, I think I would struggle with it as much as I would have with the other guys.

It's hard to explain. I've typed and erased part of this post a few times now, and I'm still not finding the words. But I think it's just easier to accept another partner who's already part of your partner's life, than it is to accept a new partner, or even a new flirt-object. The established person doesn't seem as threatening, because they're already there and are obviously okay with you being there. Someone new might try to take your place, or your partner might find them more intriguing, so that feels like more of a threat.
 
Hi Dustytx,

Most people, both monogamous and nonmonogamous, struggle with jealousy from time to time. So it is nothing unusual. Also what makes one person jealous may differ from what makes another person jealous. People are unpredictable like that sometimes.

Possibly B's flirty behavior seems threatening because there's so many women he's flirting with. But that's pure speculation on my part. Only you can decide where your jealousy is coming from and what it means. Maybe talking with B about it would help?

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
:cool:
Now add the intense group sex scene with observers. Sounds like the group sex with an audience was super stimulating for you. I don't know how you all wound that scene down, but have you ever read about sub drop? Maybe there's elements of some kind of "drop" here. (I think any high stimulus sex can lead to drop potential. It doesn't have to be only in kink.)

Kinda reminds me of this old post. Perhaps that can help?

You might feel funky for a few days as you recover. It was only 2 days ago. It takes me at least 3 days to clear drop.


Galagirl

I've dealt with sub drop. T is in to bdsm whereas I'm totally not. We played with it a little but I'm just not into it. I don't judge those who are but it's not for me.

The crazy thing is that B's behavior which caused jealousy was prior to the super charged group sex with an audience. After our spouses went to bed we spent some quality time together. I was bothered when it happened, too busy to think about it during the group thing & then bothered the next day again. I think this is going to be a process for me as it is all so new. B & I chatted today as T is going through a really hard time with a friend who is dying. B wanted to check on T but also to offer support to me as he understands I have to remain strong for T & it totally wipes me out. B & C have both offered their support to us. I think overall everything remains positive among the four of us.
 
I also want to say that I love B for who he is. Crazy, promiscuous flirt & all. I don't want him to change in any way for me. He's never been anything other than himself & has had previous bad experiences where he tried to change for someone. C apparently got quite adamant that it was not acceptable for anyone to try & get him to do that. I've spent the last 17 years denying who I am but have found T to be very accepting of my inability to continue to do so. I would not ask anyone to change due to issues that belong solely to me.
 
GG thank you for the link. I just had an opportunity to read through the thread & it does fit this situation. I guess that I did have a huge drop in the nearly constant flooding of endorphins that weekend. I'm fairly certain that we will go to the resort as two couples again in the future. Now that I've experienced it I can hopefully be prepared & handle it better next time. Thank you again!
 
You are welcome. Glad it helped.

I don't think he has to change his personality.

Just everyone be aware that a super high stimulating weekend like that (MANY stimulating things, not just the group sex scene) can lead to a "drop" in some of you. And it could be a kindness to check in on people to make sure they are holding up ok in preventing/combatting drop should it arise.

The brain stimulus doesn't have to come only from kink scenes for a drop to happen. So if any of you feels funky later after a similar high stimulus weekend trip in future -- you know maybe why. The brain does its chemistry stuff and then the person might feel almost like "hungover" in a way. Or moody and withdrawn. Or like they are getting a cold. Just... "off" and not quite right.

It takes a few days to clear. This time it just happened to be you having some drop symptoms.

Hopefully you start to feel better soon as your system clears up.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Sounds like things are better now. :)
 
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