I think I am a unicorn...

haruki

New member
That might be the oddest statement I've typed this week. Possibly, but probably isn't.

For most of my life I've considered myself a gay male; however, after quite a bit of development and discovery, I have concluded that I am - in fact- bisexual. When with a partner (beit male or female) I am more reactive than aggressive and tend to focus on the "little things" that I know will further arouse said partner. This tendency has been great as far as gay relationships go, but not so great as far as my straight relationships go. Apparently most women like an aggressive male. However, when with a male this tendency usually results in a sub/dom relationship, which really turns me off.

When in a longer term relationship, I really prefer an open relationship simply because I tend to focus better on one individual when that individual is not the sole center of my attention. And, in fact, in many occasions, I fantasize about enhancing a relationship dynamic rather than generating the dynamic myself.

All that said, I'm at an impass. From what I've read, most unicorn hunters search for bisexual females or are gay relationships searching for a male. And whereas the latter is a dynamic I feel would be good for me, it wouldn't be that "perfect" (hypothetical) fit.

Also, how do I know if being a unicorn is right for me?

The second impass is that all this is extremely hypothetical at this point. I've never been the third person in a male/male/female threesome or dynamic.

Finally, I don't really even know how/where to look for this type of dynamic. I don't know how to go about hunting for a relationship or even threesome of this type...

All that said, Anyone have any suggestions/experiences/comments as far as their experience as/with a unicorn or in their search for a unicorn/couple?

Also, how do I know if being a unicorn is right for me?
 
Last edited:
You're not a unicorn. Unicorns are female.

Also, unicorn hunters are never a pair of gay women searching for a man, or a pair of gay men searching for a female. It is always a male-female couple searching for a bisexual female for the purpose of creating a fmf polyfidelitous triad.

Why are you so fixated on the label, if i may ask?
 
Last edited:
You're not a unicorn. Unicorns are female.

After much searching I must ask:
Since you seem to know,
What is the term I should be using?
Tell me and I will change the whole post in a heartbeat. However, I haven't been able to find a term that directly refers to a male in that position and yet it describes everything that I'm searching for in a relationship structure aside from my lack of vagina.

EDIT:
I am not fixated on the title. Like I said, I would change it in a hearbeat. Except that it describes everything I'm looking for in a relationship aside from, once again, my lack of vagina. However, I would like to direct that EXACT question to you... why is it you're so fixated on my use of the title?

Since you know so much about this type of topic, though, I would really appreciate an answer to any of the above questions/problems I have identified with this issue. If you have anything to actually share rather than arguing semantics, I would love to hear it. *attempts to get this topic on to topic*
 
Last edited:
I've heard manticore which honestly is not very appealing. (Body of a lion, man's head with extra sharp teeth and a scorpion's tail.)

Unicorn is not exclusive to women IHMO but it does tend towards the heteronormative in use. It can also be derisive as in mf couples who rather naively want the mythologically rare. I'm not sure if you would want to wholeheartedly adopt for your own use.

I don't think you need a label. They are useful shorthand but you just described what you want and there is nothing wrong with it. I think you are rarer than the stereotypical female unicorn. Put that out there and see who comes into your life. Someone or someone's may very well think you are just what they have been longing for.
 
I don't think you need a label. They are useful shorthand but you just described what you want and there is nothing wrong with it. I think you are rarer than the stereotypical female unicorn. Put that out there and see who comes into your life. Someone or someone's may very well think you are just what they have been longing for.

Truth... and in fact, just these two replies have really kind of distressed me about making a topic to discuss this on the whole.

I use a term to hopefully fully define what it is I'm looking for and ask for any experiences/suggestions as to how to find it.

I'm answered by someone who argues towards the use of said term and another that says I don't need such a distinct definition to find what it is I'm looking for. Both of which, however, are focused on the term itself.

I genuinely appreciate your reply; I will change the topic's text entirely so it's less distracting for people. Labels *shudders*
 
For most of my life I've considered myself a gay male; however, after quite a bit of development and discovery, I have concluded that I am - in fact- bisexual. When with a partner (beit male or female) I am more reactive than aggressive and tend to focus on the "little things" that I know will further arouse said partner. This tendency has been great as far as gay relationships go, but not so great as far as my straight relationships go. Apparently most women like an aggressive male. However, when with a male this tendency usually results in a sub/dom relationship, which really turns me off.
Have you dated only gay men and straight women? I ask because, now that you realize you're bi, I wonder if you've explored the dynamic of dating other people who are bi or pan themselves. You may find that the dynamic is different with a bi man versus a gay man, or bi woman versus a straight woman. It also might be good, if you haven't already, to look at dating people who are more gender-fluid. It's possible their expectations in a relationship are based far less on the typical gender stereotypes.

All that said, I'm at an impass. From what I've read, most unicorn hunters search for bisexual females or are gay relationships searching for a male. And whereas the latter is a dynamic I feel would be good for me, it wouldn't be that "perfect" (hypothetical) fit.
Most, maybe, but not all. I'm pan and TGIB is pan and we have fantasies that include a bi or pan guy for a threesome. I've seen couples on here looking for a bi male OR female, so it happens.

The second impass is that all this is extremely hypothetical at this point. I've never been the third person in a male/male/female threesome or dynamic.
Well, sure. There's an element of "you don't know until you try" but you know you're open to it. I would say keep reading about the pros and cons of various triads and try to imagine yourself in their shoes- what would you like? what would you do? does it sound like something you want for yourself?

Finally, I don't really even know how/where to look for this type of dynamic. I don't know how to go about hunting for a relationship or even threesome of this type...
I never found anyone to be in a ltr with when I was "hunting". Mine always happened when I WASN'T looking, but was just doing what I liked and enjoying life. If you open yourself up to people without the expectations of "could I be in a relationship with this person?" then there's less pressure for everyone and actually a greater chance that a meaningful connection could develop.

that said, Anyone have any suggestions/experiences/comments as far as their experience as/with a unicorn or in their search for a unicorn/couple?

Also, how do I know if being a unicorn is right for me?
I don't have any advice specific to being a unicorn or looking for one. I'll just reiterate that the best way to meet people you mesh with is by going out into the world, doing what you like, and being yourself. Frankly, you can't know if being a unicorn is right for you, because it's not about BEING a unicorn. It's far less about the situation and more about the people IN the situation. MC never thought in a MILLION years he'd be one arm of a Vee, yet here we are. Live life. The people who are meant to be in your life will turn up.
 
I would like to direct that EXACT question to you... why is it you're so fixated on my use of the title?

Since you know so much about this type of topic, though, I would really appreciate an answer to any of the above questions/problems I have identified with this issue. If you have anything to actually share rather than arguing semantics, I would love to hear it. *attempts to get this topic on to topic*

I am not fixated on it. YOU started the thread and I was addressing the topic YOU specified. I AM "on topic". the topic of "I think I am a unicorn" DOES involve semantics, and this is a common topic on this forum, so I invited you to search around and do some more reading. If you don't like the answers you're getting, perhaps you should ask different questions.

I don't give a shit if you want to call yourself a unicorn. I was telling you that it typically is applied to bisexual women in this context. I didn't invent the term, and I don't own it. I was trying to clarify it for you. Maybe you should go get a vagina if it's that important to you. Lord knows it's easier to surgically create a vagina out of a penis than the other way around. Sheesh.
 
Last edited:
You're not a unicorn. Unicorns are female.

Also, unicorn hunters are never a pair of gay women searching for a man, or a pair of gay men searching for a female. It is always a male-female couple searching for a bisexual female for the purpose of creating a fmf polyfidelitous triad.
(bold mine)

so I invited you to search around and do some more reading. <snip> I was telling you that it typically is applied to bisexual women in this context.

C'mon, BG, be fair and don't try to backpedal. You didn't originally say anything about "typical". You used absolute statements that were in no way designed to be anything other than a "wake-up" slap in the face. Nor was there ANY invitation to search around the forums. Language, especially around here, is fluid, and it can take TONS of discussion to reach agreed-upon meanings, so lighten up and don't react so strongly to the OP's response, if you don't care what they call themselves.

ETA: Also, perhaps this is my sexism coloring how I "hear" your post (although I think it's as much knowledge of you usual posting style), but, "Maybe you should go get a vagina if it's that important to you." reads as VERY negative and dismissive to me. Hopefully not what you intended.
 
Last edited:
(bold mine)



C'mon, BG, be fair and don't try to backpedal. You didn't originally say anything about "typical". You used absolute statements that were in no way designed to be anything other than a "wake-up" slap in the face. Nor was there ANY invitation to search around the forums. Language, especially around here, is fluid, and it can take TONS of discussion to reach agreed-upon meanings, so lighten up and don't react so strongly to the OP's response, if you don't care what they call themselves.

ETA: Also, perhaps this is my sexism coloring how I "hear" your post (although I think it's as much knowledge of you usual posting style), but, "Maybe you should go get a vagina if it's that important to you." reads as VERY negative and dismissive to me. Hopefully not what you intended.

I was on the ipod on the train, and i did try to make another edit to that post that invited the OP to do a search. The internet signal must have been lost, & apparently the edit did not go through, and it does indeed look like I was "backpedaling".

That said, the term "unicorn" is NOT "fluid". There HAS been "tons of discussion" about this term. It DOES specifically refer to a BISEXUAL FEMALE (which can be a mtf trans, i suppose) that a male-female couple is looking for to form a closed, polyfidelitous triad. If you don't LIKE that definition, I can't force you to accept it, but that is what it means in this context. The OP must have heard the term somewhere and decided to give it his own meaning. Obviously I don't have the authority to dictate this. But are you trying to say that a "unicorn" can mean anything anyone wants it to mean? In that case, "polyamory" can mean going out and getting laid in dark alleys with a different stranger every night of the week. After all, nobody OWNS the term "polyamory".

And yes, I was being dismissive and negative when I made the comment about the vagina. The OP said he is MALE and does not have a vagina, so that remark was relevant to the flow of discussion. Everything I have said has been in response to something the OP brought up. Then he says I'm being "off topic". That is bullshit.
 
I've heard "Pegasus" used for a male unicorn. Personally don't understand why unicorn would have to refer to females only, though. From what I can tell, it's just the most common case.
 
But are you trying to say that a "unicorn" can mean anything anyone wants it to mean? In that case, "polyamory" can mean going out and getting laid in dark alleys with a different stranger every night of the week. After all, nobody OWNS the term "polyamory".
Not "anything". The use of the term "unicorn" is because those couples tend to be looking for something rare, perhaps even non-existent: a bisexual person who can be in an equal relationship with both halves of a couple. There's no reason on earth why it has to be JUST a female. Just because that is the most common search does not make it the only one. Why gender-define it? That's awfully close to the argument used by those who want to claim "marriage" has to be between a man and a woman. Why does the gender of person matter to explain the relationship? And yes, I'm sure there are people who define "polyamory" as EXACTLY that. They aren't people I'd want to be involved with, but I'm sure they're out there.

And yes, I was being dismissive and negative when I made the comment about the vagina. The OP said he is MALE and does not have a vagina, so that remark was relevant to the flow of discussion.
It's okay to be misogynistic because it's relevant to the discussion?? :confused: To clarify, I didn't feel like you were being negative and dismissive towards just the OP. I felt you were being negative and dismissive towards women.
Everything I have said has been in response to something the OP brought up. Then he says I'm being "off topic". That is bullshit.
Doesn't justify being a jerk about it. Perhaps the OP wasn't clear about what he was asking to begin with, but it was pretty clear with the next post that a discussion of the label was NOT what he was going for (apologies to haruki for my own participation in staying on this tangent).

If we have to be gender-specific, I rather like the idea of Pegasus, but in my mind Unicorn is more appropriate for those with a penis, and Pegasus would be left for those with a vagina. :D
 
Not "anything". The use of the term "unicorn" is because those couples tend to be looking for something rare, perhaps even non-existent: a bisexual person who can be in an equal relationship with both halves of a couple.

Um...no. A unicorn is the mythical, hot, bi babe who's just waiting to jump into a polyfi triad with a couple and make everything shiny and spectacular for them. The term actually arises in reference to unicorn hunters--those couples seeking the mythical unicorn.

Yes, the term has a meaning. Yes, that meaning is specific to gender.

If you wish to stretch the metaphor to also indict a couple seeking a hot, bi male, then you can reference any number of mythical beasts that are posited to be male. The thing is, it's really a waste of time to try to point to a mythical creature--especially as they exist largely only in the minds of the hunters. To use the metaphor as intended, you reference the hunters and don't attempt to identify anybody in particular as the prey....

So, OP, I wouldn't be so quick to jump on terms that are new to you quite so quickly. You're not a unicorn, nor do I think you really want to be part of that particular metaphorical situation, because that would mean any couple approaching you would have some really dysfunctional expectations.
 
obviously I was not aware that this forum would be so filled with such gender-normative members focused on such semantical bullshit. I apologize for any inconvenience I have caused due to my misuse of a frivolous and(unbeknownst to me) gender-specific term. All I can say is that I WAS generally looking for a discussion, but most of what I found was only criticism on specific word usage. I am asking to have this topic deleted as such.Here I thought this community would be a safe place filled with at least open-minded people. I regret to admit I was (mostly)wrong. Again, sorry... This community-aside from a few members- has left a bitter taste of the horribly stereotypical hetero-normative world in my mouth and I will find a different venue for my questions in the future.
 
Last edited:
My main beef with calling yourself a Unicorn is that I don't think it's a very nice thing to be.

Unicorn Hunters are usually a married couple who have decided that the best way to ease into Poly is to find a Hot Bi Babe who will fall in love with both of them equally, have hot threesome sex, help with babysitting and pretend she's just a friend when anyone's looking. The hunters usually have a laundry list of requirements their prey must match but no intention of changing anything about themselves in order to ensure their "new addition" has her needs met too. They usually blunder around with all the tact of baboons in heat before declaring themselves astonished that nobody is throwing herself at them on the basis of a two-line personal ad which states nothing more than their location and the fact that they want to add to their family. I've not encountered people looking for a male unicorn, possibly because the people who Unicorn Hunt also seem to be people who find bisexuality in men icky.

There are, of course, couples who successfully integrate one or more extra people into their relationship, but the way they go about doing so is what differentiates them from Unicorn Hunters and is what makes the additional partners partners rather than Unicorns.
 
Haruki,

I understand why you are not thrilled with your experience here. I hope you give it another chance anyway. Some folks here can be abrasive and rigid. And semantics can be a hot button topic people feel strongly about. However there are many people here who are queer in some way (including me) many who do not fit into gender norms, and allies of those folks. Give yourself the chance to meet them.

Don't let one or two posters overshadow the others who did address your question. The consensus seems to be that unicorn is not necessarily a positive label and to mull that over before adopting it. Emm summarizes that point if view pretty well.
 
I'm a heterosexual woman in a loving and committed relationship with a bisexual man. We've discussed many, many different types of relationship styles; swinging, open, poly... Triads/dyads/V style... I could go on and on...
We're yet to make up our minds on what we want. We're in no rush... We have plenty of things to enjoy and build in our life.

I tend to sense it's not so easy for men to fess up to some female partners that they like men. My love is nearing 50 and I'm the first partner he's told..

I encourage the OP to dwell on his desires and thoughts, remain mindful and open and to not stress out too much not knowing who you are immediately. We are all works in progress and our honest exploration of who we are, what we like and don't like and our commitment to learning and growing is possibly all we really have.

But yes... Here is one chick who has contemplated sharing my male love with another male love/r.
I never think I'm alone in the world :)
 
obviously I was not aware that this forum would be so filled with such gender-normative members focused on such semantical bullshit. I apologize for any inconvenience I have caused due to my misuse of a frivolous and(unbeknownst to me) gender-specific term. All I can say is that I WAS generally looking for a discussion, but most of what I found was only criticism on specific word usage. I am asking to have this topic deleted as such.Here I thought this community would be a safe place filled with at least open-minded people. I regret to admit I was (mostly)wrong. Again, sorry... This community-aside from a few members- has left a bitter taste of the horribly stereotypical hetero-normative world in my mouth and I will find a different venue for my questions in the future.
hey haruki. However its been said, the fact remains that a unicorn, by definition is, a single bi woman who a couple seek to join them with the understanding that not only is she super hot, but will look after the kids, clean the house, do what she is asked in bed and won't have another outside lover. The reason such lovelies are called unicorns is because they don't exist. They are mythical. They do for a weekend sometimes. Or sometimes upwards of that if they are broke, have no where to go and/or long for someone to show their own kid some love so they expect the couple to do that... At least those are some examples that I have come across here on the forum.

Having said all that, definitions change. Descriptions follow. If you want to own the word unicorn, go right ahead. Just realize the history. I think its only fair no? Out of respect for those of us who have been hunted by couples and really hurt and abused by the promises made under its title at least (some peoples frustration with someone coming here and using this term.

I'm not sure about the whole hetro-normative stuff you were talking about... Because its a hetro term? Far from normal no? There's some bi in there I guess, so ya, still not getting that part. Please explain further?

There are lots of stories and threads to read on this topic if you wish to have some education in order to understand the tenderness of this topic. I welcome you to do a tag search of "unicorn" to find out more here. Or go to the larger internet. Its not an uncommon word. As to removing posts and threads here; I'm sorry, I can't do that for the reasons you suggest. There are guidelines to read also in another part of this forum if you wish to know what can be removed and what can't. This also includes who gets infractions and who doesn't and for what.

I for one would love to see this term turned on its heals somehow. Unfortunately the hunting of unicorns is super prevalent. I would guess more so than anything else when it comes to attempting poly. I personally would like to see the term and its common definition spread far and wide as a way to make couples think before searching for their coupled hearts desire before breaking apart the term to include other nuances to the word. Likely not to happen, but at the very least the discussion right here, right now means its again talked about and discussed so that people can re-hash its meaning and the emotionally loaded stories that go with that.

What is it you wanted to discuss haruki? Maybe this discussion could start again for you?
 
Last edited:
obviously I was not aware that this forum would be so filled with such gender-normative members focused on such semantical bullshit. I apologize for any inconvenience I have caused due to my misuse of a frivolous and(unbeknownst to me) gender-specific term. All I can say is that I WAS generally looking for a discussion, but most of what I found was only criticism on specific word usage. I am asking to have this topic deleted as such.Here I thought this community would be a safe place filled with at least open-minded people. I regret to admit I was (mostly)wrong. Again, sorry... This community-aside from a few members- has left a bitter taste of the horribly stereotypical hetero-normative world in my mouth and I will find a different venue for my questions in the future.

What you seem to have missed in your knee-jerk response is that folks have pointed out that "unicorn" is not only a term that doesn't apply to you, it's a term that you likely don't ever want associated with you in any fashion.

I describe your reaction as "knee-jerk" for a simple reason. You described yourself using a negative term that doesn't apply to you. The first response to your post pointed out it doesn't apply to you and asked what it was about the term you found so compelling. Your response to that was both odd and hostile, where you asked why the responder was fixated on your use of the term--um...WTF? Seriously, pointing out the misuse of a term does not indicate a fixation on your use of it.

And that hostility from you is where that tangent went south. It wasn't due to anybody else except for you. Heaping on bullshit charges of heteronormative bias doesn't help things, either--and certainly doesn't follow from folks offering the definition of a term you misused. I'll let you in on a (not so) secret--most of the folks who post here regularly don't give a damn about what your gender or sexuality is.

I don't know if you're embarrassed by misusing the term. I don't know if you don't understand that discussion of ideas isn't a discussion of you. I don't know if you're just so scarred by bad experiences elsewhere that you react negatively to any contrary feedback. I've no idea what drives your behavior.

I do know that lashing out at people when they provide you with the correct definition of a word is dysfunctional.

I'll also suggest restarting your discussion, only without bothering with trying to label yourself or your desired role. And without the jerking knee when somebody offers up information contrary to what you thought was the case.
 
And what this entire thread has missed is the point that te title I used was not the intended point of this thread. Hell I even EXPLICITLY stated the questions I had and several discussion topics in the first post. Furthermore, I apologized for my use of the term, requested to have the topic deleted several times as this seems to have turned into nothing more than a 'bash the idiot newbie thread'.

I can't express enough how much I understand that I fucking misused one term. I did not expect to have a community I had pegged as being open and safe suddenly become militarized against me. And then try to inform me just how wrong I really am and how wrong my responses to admitting I was wrong really are. And then furthermore state that this defensive behavior is somehow dysfunctional. That right there is a DIRECT character insult not even veiled in discussion.


Here's a fun fact! I can't even edit my original post to display this newfound knowledge this community has forcibly instilled in me. Yet I am still expected to sit here hearing the same objections by different people!
 
Last edited:
Back
Top