To be open or not to be

booklady78

New member
This issue has been weighing more heavily on my mind lately and I'm totally undecided on the issue. My triad with my hubby of 13 years and bf of 6 months is doing really well. We are 'out' to a handful of friends only and the issue hasn't really come up with any other people, including family. I don't have a desire to complicate our lives with having to defend or explain our situation to people, I think it's private really.
However, when I'm out with my bf, we don't hide our relationship at all. We hold hands and kiss and act like any other couple. There is a big 'risk' of someone seeing us and assuming that I'm cheating on my husband. Could have already happened and they just haven't approached either of us yet.

This is my question, do we have an obligation to be up front and open, or is it fair to just have our relationship 'as is' and let people approach us if they have a concern or question? Is it fair to 'flaunt' it, inviting misunderstanding, possibly upsetting people? On the other hand, it's not neccessarily anyone's business. If they were to approach either me or my hubby out of concern for our marriage, then there would some kind of explanation.

I wouldn't even know how to broach the subject, how do you even just bring it up out of the blue with someone? "Hi Mom, I have a boyfriend."

I guess I'm looking for the pro's and con's of being open. There are going to be people who understand, or at least try to. Then there's other people who are just not going to accept it and judge it as evil, and those people won't have a place in our lives.

I guess I tend to be rather passive in general so I don't want to have to bring this up with people. I would much rather have people bring it to me to then explain. I don't know how 'healthy' that is though.

Thoughts?
 
Well-my thought is that you have a good question. ;)

I know-not very helpful, sorry.
I am VERY interested in hearing opinions as I am in a V relationship and my boyfriend tends to try to NOT do anything "like a couple" in public-because he worries that someone will "cause issues". I tend to think it's b.s.

It bothers me to have HIM act like I'm his "dirty little secret". I would rather deal with people's questions.

So I'm very interested in the opinions so I can share them with my guys!
 
I don't know... I'm exploring the same things at the moment. Most of my friends wouldn't see anything wrong or out of the ordinary, though, as my BF and I are both not terribly comfortable with affection in public anyways (introverts!!), and at most we might hold hands. Mostly I don't want my clients & coworkers to ask questions if they already know my husband!
 
HI Booklady,

Yea, this seems like a pretty common quandary. The topic seems to have come up even here several times.
My thoughts are that every situation is unique. So you have to look at how PC dependent everyone's lifestyle really is. It's unfortunate that we can't live in a world where living with 100% honesty & forthrightness is the rule rather than the exception. But few can. Society - and everyone's dependence on it - vary. And like you say - it's a private affair anyway and nobody else's business.
From what we've seen it's pretty common to come up with some 'canned' response to offer those inquisitive people who would be brazen enough to approach you with the "who was THAT" question. There's plenty of options to choose from to acceptably explain a hug, a quick kiss etc to someone other than your known SO. Same goes for when you are out & about as a group. A REALLY close family friend etc
So, as I say, depending on the setting, whether it's a childrens event, a professional/social setting, a general public event where family or professional contacts may attend etc, the behavior varies.
But one thing that helps to quell a lot of nasty rumor mongering is to appear in public together as much as possible. The more people realize that everyone is 'together' - on the same page - about your group (3-4- whatever) the less it will seem unsavory.
So, depending on the setting - the whole 'public affection' thing may need more or less restraint. But if you think about it - except from a philosophical standpoint - how important really IS that ? IS a deep tongue kiss really that important in the parking lot of the restaurant as compared to a nice hug?

You'll find the balance :)

GS
 
LR - I agree, I think part of me would gladly deal with people's questions, I just feel awkward to show the initiative in that conversation. I don't feel a need to say to anyone 'My husband and I are poly' and then see where that conversation goes. Mostly because I don't fully know who needs or even wants to know.

SS - It's my husband who isn't overly affectionate in public, but he is slowly becoming more comfortable with it. I think it's one of the things I love about my bf, that he's quite happy to hold hands or show affection. I feel no need to share any of this with my staff or peers either, but my bf stops by my workplace often to take me to lunch or go out afterwards. It's not unusual though as many of my friends do this as well, both male and female, so my staff don't think anything of it.

GS - We do adjust our behavior to an extent, as I mentioned to SS I don't feel a need to have any of my work circle know. As far as the last part, our actions when we are out as a couple doesn't usually involve brazen deep kissing in public (ok, sometimes, but not when anyone is looking :p) but it does involve sitting in restaurants, holding hands across the table, holding hands walking down the street, and as my hubby says, anyone who sees the way I look at my bf knows that I love him. That's something that can't be restrained and it feels very unnatural to have to consciously hold back what's in our hearts to want to do. It has been a huge learning curve to find that balance, even within our triad. At first, there was no physical affection when my hubby was with us, to ensure his comfort with things, then slowly, he began to get comfortable and then curious as to how we behaved when he wasn't around. Now we all cuddle up on the couch to watch movies, each of them by my side and it's sheer bliss :)

As my hubby puts it, he really could care less who knows, but he does care about who knows the 'details'. We are very private, quiet people anyway so it would be out of character, and our comfort zone, to just announce to the world that we are poly. I think, for the time being, we will just see what happens.

I would still really appreciate any stories or opinions on the subject.

Thank you everyone!
 
I don't generally offer up the information to people randomly.
My family and my friends know. But a lot of that is that they simply know me-so it was more just a matter of knowing that yes everyone was being honest and no Maca wasn't "out of the loop".
But even then, for the most part it was within conversation that the topic came up, not because I jumped in and said "oh by the way we decided we're poly".
My sister was HERE the night I gave Maca the letter, so I did tell her. I felt it would be wrong to potentially subject her to his emotional fallout-without forewarning. (she had recently moved in so there was no "better day" to give it to him). But others it's been in context of a conversation that it FIT with.
For example, if someone is talking about how they feel that sleeping with another person while married is cheating blah blah, I'll offer up that I don't NECESSARILY agree and feel it depends on the married couples understanding of marriage which will generally lead to taklign about my beliefs on relationships, dynamics, honesty, integrity etc, which depending on how things go may lead to explaining OUR life choices and why we've made them (that's happened a couple times).
But "out and about"-if they are curious I would answer, but I dont' think I'd randomly explain myself-that to me would suggest that I myself believe I'm doing something wrong..

I haven't encountered GG's co-workers yet this year, but I expect at some point we will encounter either co-workers, friends or family and one of my concerns is how that will go-not for the reasons generally brought up on the forum.

I will be unimpressed if he pulls his hand from mine or steps away a little to put some distance between us...It bothers me to think he might not acknowledge who I am TO HIM. I know he has MANNERS-he would introduce me, but I don't want to be introduced as "my friend" or "my roommate".
I do recosnize that there are some situations it would need to be that way (at least in theory). But... I guess I'd prefer he be willing to acknowledge that I'm his girlfriend as a "rule of thumb".......

Ok-sorry, that was a lot of info not answering your question. :eek:
As I said-I find your topic VERY personally interesting. Sorry if I expanded unreasonably on your thread!!
 
I am openly poly. My wife doesn't identify as poly and I think she may not be. The fact that our relationship is open is not a secret and I'm pretty visible and vocal about it.

That's kind of my personality type. I'm iconoclastic and have no problem being the "initiator".

I will say this though, given that my worldview comes from the "visible" perspective, I don't know how I would avoid it if I wanted to.

If I'm talking to people I'm friendly with and they ask me "Where is your wife", saying "she's on a date" is my honest answer if she is. To me, lying to my friends or even people I am just friendly with is far bigger of an issue to me than the complications of revealing that I'm poly.

When invited over to the home of a friend, how do I explain to them "She's not here tonight" without making them feel blown off if it happens repeatedly without that honesty? Related, how would I shift from "part of the couple" to "an individual" if I couldn't honestly answer how that happens within the couple?

Also, there is the possibility of being seen as "the cheater" or even weirder (and I admit, this comes from a web series on being poly) the oddball cases where two poly folk are being dishonest to the same people (She's my sister!). :D

I don't see anything wrong with people wanting to keep their personal details close to the vest, but for me, I don't have any concept of how I could be anything BUT visibly poly and still act consistantly with my other values.
 
I don't see anything wrong with people wanting to keep their personal details close to the vest, but for me, I don't have any concept of how I could be anything BUT visibly poly and still act consistantly with my other values.

.... you and my husband both! Though, he agreed for my comfort not to talk about details except with his close friends.:cool:
 
DP,
I feel that way too. I never lie about it. I just answer honestly. But GENERALLY the three of us are out together-so that minimizes a lot of questions.
Maca and GG aren't like that though. They both keep things quiet. Sometimes that's ok with me, but other times it really drives me nuts!

I choose not to socialize with people who "can't know" for the most part, as it's not my nature to make stuff up. I just say what's on my mind (my sister says my filter's broken). ;)
 
My experience has been that the more comfortable and matter-of-fact I am about my relationship dynamic, the easier it seems to be for others in my life to accept it.

I don't go out of my way to exclaim my polyness but willl explain as necessary. As an example, I had a picture of me, R and rosevett at Christmas time as wallpaper on my work computer. It got a few odd looks but only one coworker actually asked me who those people were.
I responded "That's my boyfriend"
He asked "Well, who is she?"
And I said "That's his other girlfriend"
A moment's pause, then my coworker said "Well I could introduce you to this swinging couple I know at the conference this year."
I said "It's not swinging, it's called polyamory. Look it up, but not on your work computer" :)

The four of us attend various work functions together, our families are all aware for the most part and we simply behave in public like we would with anyone we loved.

I understand that for some people, the risks and discomfort associated with being out are just too much.
For me, it is just too much not to be open about who I love and how we all relate to each other.
 
Wow, these responses are exactly what I've been needing to hear! I'm a bit 'in awe' of those who live openly poly, being somewhat introverted myself, just seems like such a healthier way to live life :) I want to be more confident in general and I don't want to be ashamed of being poly. I'm just waiting for those opportunities in conversations to come up where I can talk about it. There's always going to be a handful of people that we don't tell, as their intolerance is well established (can't pick your family :S) but I think that I've already made the decision in my mind that I will not lie about it or make my bf feel like a 'dirty secret'.
Thanks so much for the insight everyone! :)
 
Wow, these responses are exactly what I've been needing to hear! I'm a bit 'in awe' of those who live openly poly, being somewhat introverted myself, just seems like such a healthier way to live life :) I want to be more confident in general and I don't want to be ashamed of being poly. I'm just waiting for those opportunities in conversations to come up where I can talk about it. There's always going to be a handful of people that we don't tell, as their intolerance is well established (can't pick your family :S) but I think that I've already made the decision in my mind that I will not lie about it or make my bf feel like a 'dirty secret'.
Thanks so much for the insight everyone! :)
This was such a happy thing to read! I think that's awesome! :D I hope we can be more and more open too!!!
 
How we've come out

These days, I'm basically entirely out of the closet. Here's the story of how it happened...

In my first couple years in a poly relationship, we were only out of the closet to half of my friends (most of those at my college, but not the majority of those from my hometown), and to the mother of one of my partners. I hated keeping things from friends and family, and pretending that one of my boyfriends was a gay best friend half the time. It sucked.

I wound up coming out to my mother by sheer luck. The documentary Three of Hearts was playing on television, and she happened to see it and then bring it up in conversation. I remember pressing her and pressing her for what she thought about the triad in the documentary-- she was a conservative Christian at the time, and I couldn't picture her approving. She finally admitted it wouldn't bother her, and she didn't think they were going to hell, and stared at me strangely for badgering her. It all came out in a rush at that point: "Mom, I've been dating A for the last two years." She smiled and told me she thought of him as family anyway, and we hugged and cried and all that jazz.

It's three or four years later now, and I've split with both of those boyfriends and gotten involved with two new partners. My whole immediate family has been really supportive, which has been awesome. K and I are out to his sister (who co-houses with us) and his father (who is worried that Z'll be the biological father of my children, and is convinced it's a mistake in general). We're not sure if his mother knows, and I'd rather he told her, but K's entire family has a very different communication style from mine so I don't judge. Z immediately told his siblings and parents about me and K both (he joined up when K and I were getting engaged), and the reactions have ranged from concerned to outright hostility. I'm hoping that meeting his outraged siblings in a few months for his college graduation will diffuse the tension a bit. In hopes that it might help others, Z's mother found this article in the Boston Globe and said it helped her some:

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2010/01/03/loves_new_frontier/

We're also out to the majority of our friends; we co-house with many of them so it would be difficult not to tell! I completely agree with LovingRadiance; it's easier to just keep friendships that are supportive than to dodge around the subject, at least for me. I've even told several of my coworkers, and plan on letting my bosses know once my contract is signed more permanently-- I'd rather have them know what's actually happening than think that I'm cheating on my fiance.

My limit on coming out is that I won't tell my students or their parents. Even in Cambridge with a lesbian boss, there are limits.

Whew that was long! Thanks for your forbearance, folks...
 
I kinda know how you feel, Being a poly. My girlfriend is afraid to show PDA. And I know it shouldnt bug me. But Holding hands in a dark movie theather or kissing in the dark, isnt that bad. But she is so sigh. I hope she comes out in time, and I know that explaining to our parents or other friends and family, would be so akward.

My Hubby dont care, but I would like this to be one less thing to tell his parents
 
I worry (as I often do :p) that I'm subconsciously withdrawing from family that I'm not comfortable sharing my 'polyness' with. I find myself not keeping in touch as often as I used to, which is why I think about just telliing my family and then dealing with any consequences. I was a little irked that my hubby's new girlfriend is being totally open with most people about their relationship and we discover that she works with my aunt! I'm over the initial annoyance and as far as we know, my aunt hasn't heard anything yet. But there again lies the solution, be open and then no one gets to 'find out' in that way. I cringe at the thought however, I'm just not that extroverted, I'm not that open with people, very private except with those I'm closest to. There seems to be an almost even split with people who are 100% open and those who are just open with those they choose to share it with.
 
II was a little irked that my hubby's new girlfriend is being totally open with most people about their relationship and we discover that she works with my aunt! I'm over the initial annoyance and as far as we know, my aunt hasn't heard anything yet. But there again lies the solution, be open and then no one gets to 'find out' in that way.

Do you think it's fair to decide whom your husband's girlfriend is "allowed" to share her life's details with? I would hate to be told that I'm not allowed to share a new joy in my life with my friends and coworkers.

It reminds me of the struggle of so many gay couples where one of them is in the closet. The other is sometimes expected "not to act too gay" in public because they don't want to get outed. It's really hard on the "out" partner to alter the way they live their life on account of someone else's hang-ups.

I cringe at the thought however, I'm just not that extroverted, I'm not that open with people, very private except with those I'm closest to. There seems to be an almost even split with people who are 100% open and those who are just open with those they choose to share it with.

I don't understand the connection between being introverted and being in the closet. I'm very introverted (the girl who listens in conversations, doesn't lead groups, and doesn't strike up conversation with strangers) but I'm very open about who I am with my friends.

Admittedly, family is another story. I put them on a "need to know" basis... if it doesn't come up in conversation, I'm not going to raise the issue. There are enough problems to deal with between extended family members without introducing new ones unnecessarily. That being said, I don't automatically consider my family members to be my "friends." Family dinners, coffee chats etc, I am never comfortable being myself about most things, we keep the conversations to the usual safe topics ("How's school/work? Is that a new car? What are you planting in your garden this year?"). When I was single, I didn't tell them about every boyfriend I was dating, or that I was interested in girls too, so why would I tell them about that now that I'm married?
 
I swing in and out of openess depending on my mood. When I first moved back to the town I'd grown up in I told my friends and I think my mom that I was poly. Mostly I just got odd looks and nobody really brought it up again or anything. But I haven't actually been in a poly relationship since being back so by now I'm sure it's pretty much forgotten. I became a fan of some poly group on facebook as a subtle gesture of openness, figuring people can ask me about it if they want to, but I don't feel much need to proclaim it from the rooftops. Of course if I get back into such a relationship, more questions will arise and need to be answered. I figure I will deal with things as they arise and try not to stress about potential problems that don't really exist yet.
Telling people I was bi got me a lot more odd looks and perhaps some disgust, but it hasn't been brought up in a few years since I haven't been involved with another guy in some time. It tended to arise in situations like drinking games like "I never..." "kissed a boy" or such. Maybe it hasn't come up because I haven't played drinking games lately, lol.
 
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SC - I wouldn't presume to tell anyone they aren't 'allowed' to share their personal lives and my annoyance was brief, just an inital reaction to possibly being outed against my will. None of us had any idea that there was a family connection at her workplace but now that we know and she understands that I'm not openly poly, she respects my desire for privacy. I never told her she wasn't allowed to share the joy of her new relationship with anyone, I only expressed a preference for privacy after the fact, simply by asking that she not share my husbands last name around the workplace so my aunt doesn't find out just yet. I have no issues with the 'fairness' of that request and neither does anyone else involved.

Being introverted, defined as being 'shy', means that I don't readily strike up conversations with people so I'm unlikely to just come out and tell people I'm poly. I'm trying to understand how the connection wouldn't make sense.

After reading this reply, I realize I'm feeling a bit defensive about your comments. Not sure what's pushing my buttons exactly, but definately cause for some further reflection on my part. Thank you for the insight though! :)
 
SC - I wouldn't presume to tell anyone they aren't 'allowed' to share their personal lives and my annoyance was brief, just an inital reaction to possibly being outed against my will. None of us had any idea that there was a family connection at her workplace but now that we know and she understands that I'm not openly poly, she respects my desire for privacy. I never told her she wasn't allowed to share the joy of her new relationship with anyone, I only expressed a preference for privacy after the fact, simply by asking that she not share my husbands last name around the workplace so my aunt doesn't find out just yet. I have no issues with the 'fairness' of that request and neither does anyone else involved.

whoopsies sorry! I guess I did get a little offensive, I didn't mean to attack. I can understand why you wouldn't want to be outed, and as you've explained it now, I see that you haven't infringed on her right to self-expression in any way...

Being introverted, defined as being 'shy', means that I don't readily strike up conversations with people so I'm unlikely to just come out and tell people I'm poly. I'm trying to understand how the connection wouldn't make sense.

hmm... I guess what doesn't make sense to me is that I'm shy also: I don't approach strangers, it takes me a while to get comfortable with people and make friends. But when I do make a friend, when I'm comfortable with them, I am very open about myself. Perhaps we're just different kinds/levels of shy?

I'm wondering if this is the misunderstanding: whereas I think of my shyness as primarily affecting how I behave around strangers and acquaintances, your shyness extends to your friendships also? Perhaps it would be accurate to say that in addition to being shy, you're also a very private person? That would sort it out better in my mind...
 
I am comfortable around my friends, but can still be very quiet. I'm becoming much more open with friends and some family in general, speaking up more often. As quiet and shy as I can be sometimes, it is very subjective because I'm a retail manager and I have to be very assertive and well spoken with customers and staff :p
I think being in a poly relationship has really strengthened my communication skills alot though, especially with my husband. We took for granted alot of feelings and experiences, not always sharing our thoughts. Now we talk about everything and it's made us feel much closer to each other. Sometimes that seems so odd that adding another person to the dynamic makes people closer when most monogamous people would believe the opposite!
I'm trying to find openings in conversations with people to let them know about being poly, but it's proving difficult. I don't tend to initiate conversations so waiting for someone to bring up something I can lead into poly is not easy. I just need to get over my shyness and start being more open and honest about alot of things. Being too quiet has been holding me back in alot of things and wanting to be open about being poly is just the latest example.
No hard feelings, I really do appreciate being able to banter back and forth with people on the forums, so much persective, experience, and wisdom :)
 
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