fed up!

jones

New member
me and my oh are fighting again, we are in a relationship with another couple, the boy from the couple wants to slow things down.. work on the emotional side of our relationship so he can work out how he feels (which is great)

we all talked about slowing everything down and when my bf and our gf are together they will slow things down and not sleep together like me and the other bf.

my oh will do anything to make his relationship with our gf happy and dandy and will lie to do so, I am upset because he won't have sex with me but can with her, our gf said she would say she won't have sex with him but she knows what he is like and she has to do it so she can have a chat with him cos he is sex mad and its easier to get it over and done with. he will have sex with her but not me...am I not sexy enough, fun enough?

i wish we all could be happy at the same time!
 
I have also text her and told her how I feel and she isn't texting back, I am so worried she is mad at me :(
 
Hi, I also read your other thread. Triads and quads are so complicated, it can be super hard to negotiate everything and get everyone on the same page, emotionally, plus have everyone be sexually fulfilled.

It sounds like your fiance is in NRE with the gf and wants to have sex with her more than with you, for now at least. This is one of the tough things NRE (new relationship energy) can do to poly folk, which is a bad thing for the primary partner. I hope you can communicate this to your fiance and let him see loving polyamrously means everyone's needs are important and all partners should have needs taken care of.

Now, the bf, you say, is a swinger. He seems to be more sex-focused than love-focused. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't want to keep your quad closed. That's his right, of course, if those are his desires, you can't force a square peg into a round hole. It must hurt though!

Also, what is this about your fiance lying to the gf to get what he wants? That is a red flag.
 
Hi, I also read your other thread. Triads and quads are so complicated, it can be super hard to negotiate everything and get everyone on the same page, emotionally, plus have everyone be sexually fulfilled.

It sounds like your fiance is in NRE with the gf and wants to have sex with her more than with you, for now at least. This is one of the tough things NRE (new relationship energy) can do to poly folk, which is a bad thing for the primary partner. I hope you can communicate this to your fiance and let him see loving polyamrously means everyone's needs are important and all partners should have needs taken care of.

Now, the bf, you say, is a swinger. He seems to be more sex-focused than love-focused. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't want to keep your quad closed. That's his right, of course, if those are his desires, you can't force a square peg into a round hole. It must hurt though!

Also, what is this about your fiance lying to the gf to get what he wants? That is a red flag.


hi,

thanks for replying.

I have talked to my fiance till I am blue in the face and I am getting fed up of it now... he keeps saying if we can all be happy then it can be the best thing that has happened to us, the gf pushed the poly relationship with my oh help and the bf felt he was being pushed into and he wanted to slow things down.

my bf is a swinger yes, so am I and my oh but we have calmed down as we want to spend more time with our partners, yes my bf doesn't love me but he cares about me very much and I don't need him to love me if he can't and doesn't mean my love for him is going to go away but I am jealous my oh and our gf can say I love you and get I love you back.

my bf has lied about using a condom and risking getting her pregnant.. they both lied to the bf because bf said if he heard they had slept together without a condom they wouldn't have children. (the gf thought she may be pregnant and the first thing she said was what if my oh is the father) the bf flipped out of course and was questioning why she would say that.. I hate lying to him and I have no choice but my oh says it was six months ago and I have to stop bringing it up, maybe I do but it still hurts, they also lied about their love, my oh said he didn't love her and then he may love her but he hasn't told her but turns out he has loved her for months and has already told her and she said it back and she knew he didn't tell me and she told her bf that she was in love with three people (which at the time she said she was just in love with me) so she lied too.

I want to call it off and tell them they don't deserve each other but they will still text and when he goes out he will see her and its hard cos I love them all :(
 
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Ok, so you're all making the transition from swinging to being poly. I was going to ask why your "oh" thought it necessary to lie about being in love with the gf, but now it makes sense. Many swingers actively take steps to prevent loving their sexual playpartners. So when it happens, they do get thrown!

But in the poly world, lying, and lack of using barriers for sex (unless everyone has been tested and all agree to it), are 2 big no-no's! Lying about lack of condom use is the worst! Not just because of pregnancy risk, but for preventing diseases. Surely you all know this.

So, the bf has never been informed about that time your "oh" and gf went bareback? And since you say your oh lies a lot, are you sure he still *IS* using condoms with the gf everytime they have intercourse?

Been tested for STIs lately?
 
Ok, so you're all making the transition from swinging to being poly. I was going to ask why your "oh" thought it necessary to lie about being in love with the gf, but now it makes sense. Many swingers actively take steps to prevent loving their sexual playpartners. So when it happens, they do get thrown!

I do feel it is my fault, I wanted to be alone with my now bf because I prefer 1on1 and don't like seeing my oh and her together, they make me feel like I shouldn't be there and they lean over me to kiss and hold hands so I feel in the way and move and then I am told I am making a scene :( x

But in the poly world, lying, and lack of using barriers for sex (unless everyone has been tested and all agree to it), are 2 big no-no's! Lying about lack of condom use is the worst! Not just because of pregnancy risk, but for preventing diseases. Surely you all know this.

yes we all know this, the girl says she was stupid but she is glad she was stupid with my oh, she talked about getting pregnant by my oh and her bf wouldn't mind and she never thought about me minding but yes sti are more important than getting pregnant and me and oh have been tested and we are clean.

So, the bf has never been informed about that time your "oh" and gf went bareback? And since you say your oh lies a lot, are you sure he still *IS* using condoms with the gf everytime they have intercourse?

Been tested for STIs lately?

I will never truly know about this ^^^^^, I know when I am there when they have sex they use condoms....
 
Why are you planning to marry someone you don't believe you can trust?
 
Why are you planning to marry someone you don't believe you can trust?

I don't think this is a helpful question but right now my relationship is in tatters so i don't even know if this is happening with these problems
 
B
I don't think this is a helpful question but right now my relationship is in tatters so i don't even know if this is happening with these problems

I apologize, that was unnecessarily flippant and not what you were trying to ask about. It just seemed like an important question and I wanted to make sure you'd considered it. If I can think of any good advice I'll post it when I have more time.
 
B

I apologize, that was unnecessarily flippant and not what you were trying to ask about. It just seemed like an important question and I wanted to make sure you'd considered it. If I can think of any good advice I'll post it when I have more time.

that is ok and sorry if my message was rude, gf isn't talking to me, it isn't like her, I wish I kept my big mouth shut :-(

thanks xx
 
I have to agree with Annabel's original question... That seems like a very important question that goes hand in hand with the problems you're facing.

The problems (as I see them):

1. Oh lies, fails to use safe sex practices, and would not hesitate to cheat on you if you asked him to step away from the gf for a while. He doesn't really seem to be willing to rein in his NRE at all, fails to respect the bf's need for space, and fails to respect you through all of these things.

2. The bf feels rushed and would really prefer to keep things non-sexual until everyone (especially him) has their feelings under control and understood.

3. The gf also allows herself to be pressured into having sex with oh even when she knows it goes directly against the wishes of you and the bf.

4. You are feeling neglected by oh, feeling unattractive at his desire for gf while seemingly having none for you, and are overall frustrated with the situation.

To me, it seems like NO ONE is happy, except for maybe oh who seems to be getting almost everything he wants (you bringing up his errors is apparently bothering him, but he still gets to screw who he wants, when he wants).

I really don't see long-term potential here unless oh straightens up and respects people, gf starts actually doing what she says she's going to do, and all of you get on the same page about what is and isn't okay.

Even in a swinging relationship, respect is imperative. I've seen many swinger couples end their marriages/relationships because one or the other decided that they were above the rules of safer sex and honesty.
 
I have to agree with Annabel's original question... That seems like a very important question that goes hand in hand with the problems you're facing.

The problems (as I see them):

1. Oh lies, fails to use safe sex practices, and would not hesitate to cheat on you if you asked him to step away from the gf for a while. He doesn't really seem to be willing to rein in his NRE at all, fails to respect the bf's need for space, and fails to respect you through all of these things.

2. The bf feels rushed and would really prefer to keep things non-sexual until everyone (especially him) has their feelings under control and understood.

3. The gf also allows herself to be pressured into having sex with oh even when she knows it goes directly against the wishes of you and the bf.

4. You are feeling neglected by oh, feeling unattractive at his desire for gf while seemingly having none for you, and are overall frustrated with the situation.

To me, it seems like NO ONE is happy, except for maybe oh who seems to be getting almost everything he wants (you bringing up his errors is apparently bothering him, but he still gets to screw who he wants, when he wants).

I really don't see long-term potential here unless oh straightens up and respects people, gf starts actually doing what she says she's going to do, and all of you get on the same page about what is and isn't okay.

Even in a swinging relationship, respect is imperative. I've seen many swinger couples end their marriages/relationships because one or the other decided that they were above the rules of safer sex and honesty.

thank you for your post.

''1.Oh lies, fails to use safe sex practices, and would not hesitate to cheat on you if you asked him to step away from the gf for a while. He doesn't really seem to be willing to rein in his NRE at all, fails to respect the bf's need for space, and fails to respect you through all of these things''

I agree with this, my OH did agree at first to slow down which last a day and he got some alone time with gf, she is his 2nd sexual partner and we have been together nine years and mono for eight of these years, he has slept with another woman once though a swinging site and it didn't bothered me, he has said if I ask him to choose he would choose me however I can't control what he does when he goes to work, he could text her and delete the messages (which he has done before and I found out)

2. The bf feels rushed and would really prefer to keep things non-sexual until everyone (especially him) has their feelings under control and understood.

yes this is the case for bf, he said he is working on his feelings however last week we had sex after two months of not doing anything then gf gets upset because he isn't having sex with her (it was two weeks for them and yes she is primary partner) so I was very upset for her but then I felt bad but I thought she sleeps with my oh everytime they see each other ( once a week) but doesn't make the same time with her bf.

3. The gf also allows herself to be pressured into having sex with oh even when she knows it goes directly against the wishes of you and the bf.

the sex doesn't always bother me its her low opinion of my oh and my oh feels like she is making him out as a rapist, she can say no but she doesn't and I have seen her texts and she asks to have sex with him, I asked her last week not to have sex as we were going though a bad patch and she mocked me when I got back, well it seemed like she mocked me saying '' I am dressed so come in and look I still have my shoes on''

4. You are feeling neglected by oh, feeling unattractive at his desire for gf while seemingly having none for you, and are overall frustrated with the situation.

yes I do, he says he is ill or tired or busy and sits there on pc but when he is with her, he doesn't do all these things and he says I see you everynight and I only see j once a week, so what if I chose to spend it by having sex

my oh is just thinking with his heart, his penis and his brain and doing what he wants and I can't ever see this working, I just want to walk away :(
 
Okay. From you've said here, OH and GF seem to be emotionally manipulating each other, and not only that, but also you and BF. This is not healthy, nor is it okay. Half of this quad is selfish and demanding. That means it's not working for the other half, which in turn isn't working for the whole relationship.

If everybody can't get in a room, get in a circle, voice their individual concerns and make suggestions and solutions TOGETHER about how to make this a better situation for everyone to be in, I think you should step back. From everything. I do think keeping in contact with BF would be good though, as friends.
 
morning everyone., oh was with gf last night, he said he wouldn't have sex but of course he did, gf didn't reply to my message but she knew how upset i was but she slept with him anyway, I said to oh if you had to chose between me and her who would you pick, he begrudging said me but if I made him pick he would resent me forever, I am seeing gf and bf again tonight ( I saw bf last night and he is also not happy about their relationship) I can't be with oh while he is with her, I suggested he have a break from gf, no lovely messages, cuddles or sex and he ignored me, I don't want to see gf anymore, she has done so much and now she is spiting us up.

me and bf have a good thing going, we hang out, cuddle, chat and confide in each other but we are like very good friends and we are working on that atm, he isn't happy with some of the things gf and my oh have done but he doesn't know what to do :(
 
Okay. From you've said here, OH and GF seem to be emotionally manipulating each other, and not only that, but also you and BF. This is not healthy, nor is it okay. Half of this quad is selfish and demanding. That means it's not working for the other half, which in turn isn't working for the whole relationship.

If everybody can't get in a room, get in a circle, voice their individual concerns and make suggestions and solutions TOGETHER about how to make this a better situation for everyone to be in, I think you should step back. From everything. I do think keeping in contact with BF would be good though, as friends.

thanks for commenting

yes I am stepping back, I am mad with gf, she knows what she is doing but she doesn't care, I spoke to oh last night ^^^ and you can see how that went, if oh can't find a middle ground with me then I can't be with him, my bf are good, we care about each other and hang out and talk, he is like a best friend but I do love him and that will never change but I like where we are right now, I think this will break us up :(
 
OK, I often get confused with the configuration in cases like this, so please bear with me...

You are in a "V" - the person you call "OH" is in a relationship with gf as well as you. You have no romantic relationship with gf.

If this is the case you can not control or influence gf's behaviour in any way, nor should you try. Your relationship with with OH, and his behaviour towards you is what is important. It doesn't matter what gf is telling him or doing.

It sounds like he isn't respecting your wishes, and you are profoundly uncomfortable with this. You have told him this, and he is going ahead and doing it anyway. This is the fundamental issue, as I see it.

If he won't respect your relationship or your wishes, then it is HIM that is working to break the two of you up, not her. If you and he had a solid relationship, there wouldn't be anything she could do to break you up.

So forget her - tell him what you want out of your relationship. If he isn't willing to give that to you, then the relationship is at an end. It's as simple and complicated as that.

Edit to add: OK, I just re-read the other posts in other threads, and got it totally wrong, so never mind....
 
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OK, I often get confused with the configuration in cases like this, so please bear with me...

You are in a "V" - the person you call "OH" is in a relationship with gf as well as you. You have no romantic relationship with gf.

If this is the case you can not control or influence gf's behaviour in any way, nor should you try. Your relationship with with OH, and his behaviour towards you is what is important. It doesn't matter what gf is telling him or doing.

It sounds like he isn't respecting your wishes, and you are profoundly uncomfortable with this. You have told him this, and he is going ahead and doing it anyway. This is the fundamental issue, as I see it.

If he won't respect your relationship or your wishes, then it is HIM that is working to break the two of you up, not her. If you and he had a solid relationship, there wouldn't be anything she could do to break you up.

So forget her - tell him what you want out of your relationship. If he isn't willing to give that to you, then the relationship is at an end. It's as simple and complicated as that.

Edit to add: OK, I just re-read the other posts in other threads, and got it totally wrong, so never mind....

hey hun.

You are in a "V" - the person you call "OH" is in a relationship with gf as well as you. You have no romantic relationship with gf.

I did/do have a romantic relationship with gf but I don't have a romantic relationship with bf (he doesn't love me but cares for me and I respect that)

thank you for your post and I have taken your points on aboard, will post a update tomorrow thanks everyone xxx
 
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