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Old 10-06-2009, 06:27 PM
violet violet is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Nevada
Posts: 93

Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
*puts on flame suit* Okay - I suspect I'm going to catch a lot of shit for this, but I think somebody ought to provide an alternate POV here.
Lawful Neutral as always, baby. lol Alternate points of view are always a good thing.

Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Get off your high horses. Seriously? In the case of DP and her V with her husband and M - she's been honest with you guys about her other relationship. Should be be striaight with him? Of course! Is it any of your business what she does with that relationship? Well - I'll answer that one with another questio - if she told you that you ought not to spend time with your hubby until you stopped some behaviour of yours that might be deemed destructive, how would that go over?
The part of this that makes me uncomfortable is bolded. I can say that I honestly feel that if DP isn't comfortable with the situation that M is bringing into her home, that is that. Granted, she is actively looking for ways to control her anger and her judgments on the situation - but, and DP, correct me if I'm wrong - it seems as though she is forcing herself to be alright with the situation.

IMO, this isn't a matter of "not spending time with someone until a destructive behavior is stopped", it's a matter of morality and values that are being very strongly challenged. DP is VERY uncomfortable with the idea of cheating. It seems, also, based on the last post that DP made - her husband isn't comfortable with the idea either. Evidenced by the fact that he put a stop to further relationship conversation with M until she's straight with her boyfriend.

Forgive me if I'm overstepping a boundary here, but IMO M doesn't have the right to examine DP and C's relationship, and make a demand that they stop spending time together until a perceived "destructive behavior" is stopped. If I found MYSELF in that situation, I'd pull out veto power in a split second. M would be overstepping herself.

I would also hope that IF a situation like that came up, that DP would examine her own behaviors and move forward with a solution accordingly. And because they're still married and in a relationship that requires a LOT of trust - I'd say they're both probably very good at turning a critical eye on themselves.

Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Your husband is letting her let her own mistakes. He's the one "dating" her from the sound of it you're not involved with her (Yes, you should have some input in the relationship, etc and so forth - everyone has their own style of setting the ground rules for these things we don't need to cover it all here), and the only reason that there is stress in the relationship on this issue is because - as you put it "once removed" - you don't like her decisions.
There is definitely something to be said for letting someone make their own mistakes. Based on a general and somewhat vague understanding of the ground rules set in C and DP's relationship - she has veto power when something makes her extremely uncomfortable. As cheating does.

This is less about DP not liking M's decisions, and more a matter of whether or not she COULD wrap her brain around the situation - she would be FORCING herself to come to grips with it, and from personal experience as you WELL understand - the problems, stresses, and resentments that can and probably will cause down the road is just ... not healthy.

Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Why am I the only one who thinks that is kind of ridiculous?
I wonder if you're seeing the point of view I'm coming at it from. You've come across, to me anyway, as feeling the need to give your POV without fully understanding everyone else's.

Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Violet brought up our situation, so let's take a look at that and make sure I'm not being a hypocrite (I'm very careful about such things, lol). Vi and Anne and I have a full triad, and equality is a big deal to us. It bothers Violet and I that Anne is dragging her feet with her 600 mile away guy, we'll call him Mike. It bothers us that she's not open with him - because it affects her being open with us. It bothers us that he treats her like crap, because we have to deal with the roller coaster he puts her on when he treats her like gold. There are a lot of things about her thing with Mike that bother us. But we haven't changed our situation with her one bit over it. Stressed about it? Yessiree. Worried about, talked a bout it, dealt with jealousy issues and whatnot over it - absofuckinlutely.

But never told her what to do. Never. Not our relationship, not our problem. As long as we feel she is open and honest with us, wht she does with Mike is ultimately up to her. We'll offer advice when asked for, we'll offer support when needed.
The difference between our situations is that neither you or I have a distinct moral issue with what Anne is doing. Neither of us necessarily LIKE the situation, but neither of us is FORCING ourselves to move past it. We can see where she is at - and understand it for the most part. We are both comfortable with the idea of "not our relationship, not our problem." DP doesn't seem to be, and that's okay too.

Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive View Post
Heinlein - always an appropriate example somewhere in his books, lol. I'll paraphrase here, because the precise quote escapes me...

"Always trying to make rules and pass laws for what the other guy is doing. Never see anybody saying 'please pass this law to restrict me from doing this thing that I shoudn't be doing because it's bad for me'".
I think, as awesome as that quote is - that it makes a point invalid to this thread. If you remember the OP's first sentence - something to the effect of how COMPLETE honesty between ALL involved parties was an absolute necessity, you can see where the law has been laid to restrict ALL parties involved to partners who are informed and okay with the situation. DP laid the law, and is "restricting" herself with it too. Obviously, her husband agreed and is allowing himself to be "restricted" as well. M knew the score, and chose to 'break the law' anyway - there is every reason for DP to feel the way she does. I hope that made sense through my not-enough-caffiene-or-sugar fuzzed system.

I'm amazed at our differing view here, baby. It's kinda scary...

DP, btw, I'm VERY glad to hear that your husband is stepping back a little and supporting the point that M needs to come clean because of the rules in place for your relationship. I REALLY hope it all works out for you!
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