Redpepper's journey

It's even worse when it's not made crystal clear up front that you're in one of those relationships.
 
I've read the last few pages of your blog and I want to thank you for sharing your story. It's made me see that I am luckier than I even realized. I may struggle with being a secondary at times, but my bf makes every effort to make me feel special every time we see each other. His mates are welcoming. I really have nothing to complain about. I appreciate the perspective.

I hope better days are ahead for you. You deserve it. :)
 
I've read the last few pages of your blog and I want to thank you for sharing your story. It's made me see that I am luckier than I even realized. I may struggle with being a secondary at times, but my bf makes every effort to make me feel special every time we see each other. His mates are welcoming. I really have nothing to complain about. I appreciate the perspective.

I hope better days are ahead for you. You deserve it.

Thank you, nouryia. If you read more here you will see that I am blessed with three amazingly loving, nurturing, patient, mindful, considerate, communicative and balanced partners and metamour. They are very complimentary to me and my life is far from miserable. There are most definitely better days ahead. I am changed and more empowered than ever. :) Thanks for reading and leaving a note. Good luck to you! It sounds like you have a good thing going too!
 
Life's been good these past few weeks. I am feeling back on track and grounded in where I am going and who I am allowing myself to draw near. Many doors have opened lately and I am excited and nervous at the same time. I have stuck to my resolution of spending more me-time, and focusing on those that matter.

PN said to me last night that my room is like a gateway drug to my own apartment, and I had a little glee over that. Is that bad? lol. :p I have spent a ton of time in my room, looking deep inside myself and have found that my gut is usually right and that I can breathe easy because of it. It's good to have something I trust.

I wrote a really long post just now and deleted it. Really, there is nothing I can say right now that will be of significance to anyone here, in terms of poly. Such is life when everything is settled and better than ever. :)
 
PN said to me last night that my room is like a gateway drug to my own apartment and I had a little glee over that. Is that bad? lol. :p I have spent a ton of time in my room looking deep inside me and have found that my gut is usually right and that I can breathe easy because of it. Its good to have something I trust.

In my ideal world, I would have my own apartment (or even room). I'd love to have somewhere to go that is all mine. When you get your own apartment I will be happy for you, but at the same time I'll be green with envy! *green smilie*
 
Every woman, and maybe especially poly women, needs a 'room of her own'. Virginia Woolf thought it was critical to women writers, but I think her insight applies to any creative field, including relationships. And I do think poly relationships may require more creativity than most.
 
I fucking LOVE having my own apartment. I love to have Pixi or my guys over, and I love to close the door on them and go do my thing, peacefully, blissfully alone.

I recommended "A Room of One's Own" years ago here, I think.
 
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Having talked to many people in my community, and getting ready to talk some more to my women's group, I am feeling very positive and empowered. I realize some pretty significant things about my relationship with Leo that I hadn't before and am confident that I can move on, having learned and grown from the experience.

The most important things I have learned are that I can stand up to people manipulating me into believing that something is "all my fault." People who do that are just not going to win at that game with me. I have noticed that I don't play that game. It is not "all my fault." Beating me up with words, and then telling me that I should agree, only to say "let's be friends" at the end of it, is not going to fly with me. I do not need friends like that. That is not friendship. That is not partnership, either.

At this point I have no "like" left in me. It would take a good long meeting, wherein I heard all the explanations about what was said to me, and then a huge apology, complete with an indication that there has been movement toward change to something more positive and healthy. I hope I get that sometime. But don't think I will get that, at this point, as I highly doubt there is any remorse or even thought about how I was treated. I might be wrong, but I am not holding my breath.

I am expecting that it will always be my fault in his eyes (and hers). I don't think its possible to exist in the eyes of another without irritation, the way they see me now. Anything that comes out of my mouth I would think would be like acid to them and just more proof of what they already believe. Its easier to blame others and hate them for what has happened, rather than to learn, let go and grow into positive feelings. Even in saying this, I am suspecting that it will be manipulated into something that is not my intent. So be it. I can't change that, other than to shut up. And I won't shut up. I can only trust that I am wrong to assume that what I say here will be seen negatively. I have become paranoid in this space now, and I intend to take it back by writing about my process, regardless of the result.

If I am self-centered, high maintenance, etc., how can I possibly ask for anything in any kind of relationship with him without that being brought up again? I would need to have no backbone, no self esteem, no feelings of self worth, and would have to allow abusive language to rule me. I would have to do all that and still be able to smile and be appreciative of the scraps I get of a scarce love. I would have to be grateful for every ounce of attention and thought I got, because I would have to believe that I was not worth more than that. Or I would have to just not be present when I am with him. That is impossible for me. So there is no reason to have a friendship.

Love is abundant in my life. I give of it willingly because EVERYONE is worthy. I receive it ten times over. Poly is about sharing love, to me. Sharing people, sharing emotions/feelings, concerns, the crappy parts and the amazing parts of ourselves. There is no room in it for hatred, coveting, abusive language, controlling others through manipulating ideas of a person's "self" to fit what someone else believes of them.

People in poly relationships/friendships with me deserve to be treated with positive thought and regard. If their motives are confusing, then they should be checked and encouraged to keep positive and trusting. Trust is huge in poly, and being trustworthy is huge. Consideration, compassion, empathy and trust are the backbones of poly for me. This belief and acting on these values have brought me some great relationships.

I trusted. I was considerate. I was treated like shit for it. What does one do with that, other than to move on, try not to allow it to settle in, continue working towards positive relationships with people who are compassionate, trustworthy, see love as abundant and see me as someone that is worth investing in, treating me as someone who is valuable in their lives? That is how I see those I love. I deserve the same in return.

I still love Leo, but I don't like him right now. I wish him change in his future. I wish for him that change will set him free from his need to control and blame others for what happens in his life. I wish his wife happiness, found in letting her hatred go, and the need to control and manipulate others to suit herself.

I wish this to be read in the spirit of learning and growth, rather than hatred and fear. I wish that my words be heard by others as a gift of wisdom from a woman that has lived some shit and is still fucking awesome in her own right. No, that is not being self centered, that is being strong, empowered and having good self esteem. Anyone who sees that differently should look at their own lives and consider their own self esteem before judging me and who I am. Lastly, I wish for people to do the work it takes to be awesome. It's hard work, but worth it. It has set me free and I am confident it will set you free, also.

I harming none, and helping all. This I make true.
 
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Life happens, regardless. Time moves me on. It's my job to make the most of every moment of it through working toward a better next moment.
 
Great post Lilo...your as much a warrior of the heart as you are a loving person to everyone :) You honor all of us you share your life with. XOXOX I love you.
 
That was so well said! :) I feel like I should go reread it a few times and apply to some things going on in my life. Thank you for being so open with your experiences.
 
Great post Lilo...your as much a warrior of the heart as you are a loving person to everyone :) You honor all of us you share your life with. XOXOX I love you.

What he said. You have such a good heart. :eek: (the smilie is a gift from my girl child)
 
Women's group was awesome today. So grateful to my peeps for the wonderful thoughts, aspirations and chance to give. I am also grateful for the support and caring words of affirmation, that I am not alone on my journey, and that I belong somewhere. :)

A show is coming up this weekend. My burlesque days are scarce, now that one of the producers has moved on. I am enjoying every moment I can. I got some cool new things at the women's group clothing swap, and can't wait to piece something together. I had a meeting of the minds last weekend, where we decided to get our acts really tight and do a really good professional show in a local theatre. I have enough numbers now, that I can really work on better costuming and tightening up my acts. I am excited to be working with other women and helping out where I can, but I am anxious about stepping up to the occasion. Cross fingers for me.

I did my mono/poly workshop this past week at a local sex-positive community center. It has changed since I first started the workshop, into something that is beneficial to all people starting out in relationships. The poly theory really shines through in the workshop now. I even did a component about how to communicate with some effective techniques. I am holding another workshop this spring and adding a workshop on "Opening up to poly." I have to get on planning that one.

In a couple of weeks I am singing at a church for Black History month. I am excited that I am able to sing without as much anxiety as at the Christmas concert and that I am becoming more confident. I seem to have grasped something I hadn't before. Kind of an "ah ha" moment, or something.

I've started planning summer and all the events and camping coming up. I'm off to Vegas in April for a friends 25th wedding anniversary. She is doing it up Elvis style at a drive-through chapel. My ex-wife and I will be there for four days of relaxing, sleeping, drinking, eating and merriment. Maybe gambling.

Camping will be sparse this year, I think, as we have some big trips coming up. Off to poly camp Washington state again and planning a poly camp here. Other than that, I think I might put the van on the road and do a trip with the boy, maybe go to my parents' island property for a weekend or two. It will feel really weird and sad not to book the camping trips we used to take with Leo and his family, but he has a new metamour to do that with now. I am sure he has some great plans with that. I think I might actually plan LB's birthday party for the weekend he was born this year, as we tended to go camping with them then, instead.

I am planning a school camping trip for the end of the year, too. This weekend we had a skating party (that I planned) and the boy got to hang out with many of his friends outside of school. I asked around about who was in for camping, and a lot of the mums were really keen. I think I might plan a ladies night out for the mums of the school too, so that I can make friends with the mums of LB's classmates. I don't have a lot of friends with kids and it seems like that is going to be important as LB gets older.

Having lost Leo's wife as a friend (I never was one apparently), means that LB lost their kids as friends. I feel bad about that, but it only means it's time to get out there and find new friends. I am excited about that, as I am good at making friends, and I am not worried at all about what they know about us now. :)
 
It will be a month next week since Leo (and his wife) ended our relationship. Most of the time, I am okay. I was sick for some time due to the somatic effects I took on as a result. I deal with things outside of myself and then have to deal with them in my body. It took a few sick days to work through that, and it still lingers.

I have spent time going over everything, rationalizing, being angry, sad and just plain numb, and have come to a place where I just expect it as part of my daily routine.

A text from Leo last week set me off again into sadness, tears, anger and disbelief. I wish he wouldn't make me care about him. Love him. Of course every song says something about me, or him, or the situation. There is one right now that went viral at the time of our break-up that will always be a reminder of how I feel.

I know others go through this. In fact, many poly people go through almost the same types of break-ups. I can rationalize it to death. But I can rest easy, knowing that I am not alone and people understand. I can be really clear with myself that it's over and I need to move on, but in my heart I am unable to yet. I doubt I ever will move on. I still hold onto thoughts of people from high school who I had something happen with.

I feel as if my heart opens up to people and I trust that they will love me, regardless. When I find they don't, and take that vulnerability as a tool to hurt me, then I close them off inside myself, as a way of protecting what I knew about them, protecting their memory. The thing is, I forget, as a result, and as I still love them, I get confused about what happened to begin with. It's not rational, yet I never really have been, when it comes to love. Once I love someone, it's for life, regardless of what they put me through and what I put them through.

I wonder what he is going through. I wonder if he thinks about this, at all, whether or not he has regrets and remorse. My only regret was not listening when he told me that he could not offer me the relationship I was used to and requesting. It's unfortunate that my requests were seen as selfish. But, considering the history he has in terms of experience and his own requests, I can see how I might be seen that way.

Telling people what your needs are and making requests is not selfish. It's wise to make sure people know. It's communicating. The thing is, we could not fit what the other wanted. We should never have gone there in the first place. We should've walked away. If we had, this would never have happened. I wouldn't be hurting now, and all the stuff that comes along with us being together would not exist.

I love my partners. They all feel badly. No one is happy with any of it. We are all sad. I am sorry I had any part in causing that. I feel really badly that I caused anyone to feel sad.

The bottom line is, I miss him. :(
 
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What a nice weekend. Well balanced. We have become expert on that.

Mono and I took LB to take his bottles to the recycling depot and then went to a fabric store. (LB loves the fabric store, for some reason.) I helped LB with his laundry and did other LB-focused things. I didn't get around to cutting his hair, though.

I did a number last night in a variety show. There were kids there (teens). It was rather uncomfortable. Derby and her husband showed up and I was really glad to see them. My burlesque friend came along, also upon my request. We are getting to know each other and are a good support of each other. Next show will be at the end of March.

PN, LB and I spent time with my parents, seeing an IMAX movie and going to dinner. I spent time with Mono in his part of the house. We watched LB two nights in a row so PN could go out. I woke up with him this morning. We have been at each other a bit lately, due to stresses in our lives, so it was nice to catch up and reconnect this morning, as a result.

Onward to the work week. Some Valentine's plans and other social events are brewing. Next weekend I go to a neighboring city to sing. Life ticks on, regardless...
 
This week has been dedicated to prioritizing family and those that prioritize me. I took my father-in-law and LB to a hockey game for father-in-law's birthday. I took a night off from burlesque (even though there was a big name from out of town coming) to go to likely one of my dad's last gigs. He's an old man. Much Valentine festing with my loves. I am so loved and I love just as much. It was a good week. :) I am in a good place.
 
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