So I'm feeling like a giant hypocrite...

fauxsisticated

New member
And I could really use some advice!

My fiancé (and primary partner) and I decided to open up our relationship some months back, for a number of reasons, but primarily because polyamory has always appealed to me, and I was seriously crushing on a female friend of mine. I told my fiancé when we first got together that I'm bi, (pansexual, really,) and I didn't believe monogamy would be sustainable for me in the longterm. After many talks over many months, we decided to try non-monogamy. I began seeing my female friend, and things were great for months. The two of them got along great, everything was blissful. Things did not work out with my friend, and I went on to continue looking around for girls to date. For a long time, my fiancé said he was not interested in dating other girls and was happy enough with me.

Recently, though, he's decided he wants to date other girls, too. We discussed this and I knew the day would come, and I've been sort of dreading it. I fear being replaced by another girl. I'm afraid he'll grow to love someone more than me, and I'll get dumped. I haven't been interested in dating other guys. I went on a date with one guy -- I only went cos my fiancé decided to start dating girls; a silly reason, I know -- the date didn't go well, not surprisingly.

The girl he's been talking to lately is a lot like me. We look a lot alike, are of the same body type, wear similar glasses, her name is even similar to mine. Part of me wouldn't mind it if he dated girls that were my polar opposite, especially if I thought they were more attractive. I would understand that. But a girl who's so much like me... It makes me feel especially insecure. She sent him a few texts when I was around, and to my own surprise, I got very jealous and angry with him. I don't want to be like that!

I also firmly believe I wouldn't mind in the least if he dated guys, but he's straight, and therefore not into it. My whole thing is, girls offer me something he can't, and that's one of the main reasons I wanted to open up our relationship. I would understand completely if he wanted to date guys, cos they'd offer him something I can't, could fulfill something for him I know I couldn't. I know it's a moot point, as he's flat out not into guys.

I really want to get to know this girl, hopefully even befriend her. I'd love it if she and I could even go shopping or see a movie or something... I don't want her to feel she has to compete with me, and I don't want to continue fearing the unknown. Ideally, I'd like there to be very little awkwardness between all three of us, and I could feel confident that the two of them can have fun and even love each other without it eclipsing/undermining our relationship. My worst fear is she will try to break us up, or turn him against me somehow. My fiancé has assured me he wouldn't stay with someone who tried to do that, but I'm still fearful. As bad as it sounds, I know myself, and know my heart. I know for sure I can love more than one person at the same time and keep my priorities straight. My fiancé has never been interested in polyamory until he met me, so I worry he might not possess the same capabilities. The scales might tip in one direction or the other.

I also worry about safe sex issues. I'm more militant about safe sex than my fiancé. I've voiced this concern as well, but I really don't want him to impregnate anyone or pass a disease along to me. He and I are clean and fluid bonded, and I want to keep it that way. Maybe if I felt really, REALLY comfortable that the other girl was a.) STD free, and b.) on a reliable form of birth control, I would be okay with being more lax about condom usage. That's a big "if," though.

Ugh... I can't imagine this is all that unique of a situation. Any advice, veterans to the poly world? It'd be much appreciated!
 
Right off the bat, I would say this isn't unique...ummm its oddly inversed. A number of initial poly situations start out with the guy accepting of the partner dating girls, but not guys....you might have the most unique situation I have read about, simply because of gender reversal...hmmm

I also firmly believe I wouldn't mind in the least if he dated guys, but he's straight, and therefore not into it. My whole thing is, girls offer me something he can't, and that's one of the main reasons I wanted to open up our relationship. I would understand completely if he wanted to date guys, cos they'd offer him something I can't, could fulfill something for him I know I couldn't. I know it's a moot point, as he's flat out not into guys.

Well at least you know never to bring it up again. This point is virtual useless to mention. My wife would love me to do guys...ain't happening...:D

I really want to get to know this girl, hopefully even befriend her. I'd love it if she and I could even go shopping or see a movie or something... I don't want her to feel she has to compete with me, and I don't want to continue fearing the unknown. Ideally, I'd like there to be very little awkwardness between all three of us, and I could feel confident that the two of them can have fun and even love each other without it eclipsing/undermining our relationship. My worst fear is she will try to break us up, or turn him against me somehow. My fiancé has assured me he wouldn't stay with someone who tried to do that, but I'm still fearful. As bad as it sounds, I know myself, and know my heart. I know for sure I can love more than one person at the same time and keep my priorities straight. My fiancé has never been interested in polyamory until he met me, so I worry he might not possess the same capabilities. The scales might tip in one direction or the other.

All of these insecurities exist because you don't know...aren't sure...why not talk to the parties involved. You might be surprised to find she is open and understands and that poly clicked with him and he likes the idea. In all of its "potential" glory.

You want to get to know her?...so do it :)...if she is similar to you, go do something you can both enjoy AND have a discussion...

I also worry about safe sex issues. I'm more militant about safe sex than my fiancé. I've voiced this concern as well, but I really don't want him to impregnate anyone or pass a disease along to me. He and I are clean and fluid bonded, and I want to keep it that way. Maybe if I felt really, REALLY comfortable that the other girl was a.) STD free, and b.) on a reliable form of birth control, I would be okay with being more lax about condom usage. That's a big "if," though.

So you mentioned it, its a potential real rule that has real world application. He listened. Do you not trust him? Did he respond negatively? If he responded positively, you have to trust in your relationship with him. Has he done anything to create distrust...

You can see where I am going with that...:)

I am in a similarish situation...except I am the guy...
 
You want to get to know her?...so do it :)...if she is similar to you, go do something you can both enjoy AND have a discussion...

I'm hoping we have more in common than just looks. The thought has of course crossed my mind that if he's into her and into me, we are probably people that would get along.



Do you not trust him? Did he respond negatively? If he responded positively, you have to trust in your relationship with him. Has he done anything to create distrust...

He's very vague about things sometimes. He didn't promise he would use condoms, but I voiced my strong preference for him to do so. I told him I'd like him to have some on him when he goes to see her or any other girl, even if he doesn't anticipate the situation to turn sexual. In the past, he's not been so great about using them with me. He's fought me about it before. I know he doesn't particularly like using them, and I'm afraid if she doesn't insist, he won't do it. That's how it's been with me. There have been times when I probably should have insisted he use a condom, but didn't for some incredibly stupid reason, and we had sex anyway. I felt very foolish afterward.

I do have some trust issues here, and it is based on past behavior.
 
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The girl he's been talking to lately is a lot like me. We look a lot alike, are of the same body type, wear similar glasses, her name is even similar to mine. Part of me wouldn't mind it if he dated girls that were my polar opposite, especially if I thought they were more attractive. I would understand that. But a girl who's so much like me... It makes me feel especially insecure. She sent him a few texts when I was around, and to my own surprise, I got very jealous and angry with him. I don't want to be like that!

Seems to imply that you and this girl are "his type" ... probably his exes are similar too. But no two people are identical, and there are things about you that he could never find in any other partner.

Although you say you would be fine if he was dating someone who was different from you, prettier... I frankly don't believe you :p We get a lot of people here who state those qualities as the reason for their insecurity.

But the truth is that insecurity is never "because" of something the other person is doing. Those actions just bring out something that is inside yourself.

My whole thing is, girls offer me something he can't, and that's one of the main reasons I wanted to open up our relationship. I would understand completely if he wanted to date guys, cos they'd offer him something I can't, could fulfill something for him I know I couldn't.

Here's something you can't offer him: being more than one person :) If he has a desire for variety, then no matter how fantastic you are, it would never "be enough."

What you're saying boils down to this: It's ok for you to date whoever you want, because you only want to date girls. It's not ok for your fiance to date whoever he wants, because he wants to date girls.

I really want to get to know this girl, hopefully even befriend her. I'd love it if she and I could even go shopping or see a movie or something... I don't want her to feel she has to compete with me, and I don't want to continue fearing the unknown. Ideally, I'd like there to be very little awkwardness between all three of us, and I could feel confident that the two of them can have fun and even love each other without it eclipsing/undermining our relationship.

This is very smart and definitely the best way to boost your confidence in your fiance's decision. Is there any reason why this is not a possibility?

My worst fear is she will try to break us up, or turn him against me somehow. My fiancé has assured me he wouldn't stay with someone who tried to do that, but I'm still fearful. As bad as it sounds, I know myself, and know my heart. I know for sure I can love more than one person at the same time and keep my priorities straight. My fiancé has never been interested in polyamory until he met me, so I worry he might not possess the same capabilities. The scales might tip in one direction or the other.

You're marrying the guy, give him some credit! Your best tool here is communication, communication, communication. Talk to him a lot, talk to her a lot. If you're close to both of them, you'll pick up on that kind of behaviour early enough to bring it out into the open. Perhaps the old song, "If you love something, you have to let it go and see if it comes back, to know that it truly loves you too." ... meaning, if you go down this road and he does ultimately leave you for another woman, then you're probably saving yourself the trouble of being abandoned later in your marriage. Because any person who would do that would do it in monogamy as well.

I also worry about safe sex issues. I'm more militant about safe sex than my fiancé. I've voiced this concern as well, but I really don't want him to impregnate anyone or pass a disease along to me. He and I are clean and fluid bonded, and I want to keep it that way. Maybe if I felt really, REALLY comfortable that the other girl was a.) STD free, and b.) on a reliable form of birth control, I would be okay with being more lax about condom usage. That's a big "if," though.

Couldn't possibly agree more! Personally, I would never have no-condom sex outside my marriage, no matter how close I was to someone. And in this case, if you already suspect that she might be trying to steal your guy, then you clearly don't trust her enough to believe she's using condoms. That's fine, you don't have to trust anyone if you don't want to.

I know one married couple who has extramarital sex, and they always use condoms with each other. They laugh at the phrase "fluid-bonded" and believe that the only way to be 100% safe in non-monogamy is for everyone to always use condoms every time. Just another way to roll...

You have every right to say that one of your boundaries within polyamory is to always use latex barriers. Just remember, that also means dental dams between you and your girlfriends!!!
 
Hi Faux,

Well, a lot of fear surfacing here eh ?
Don't worry - seems to be pretty human reaction to the unknown :)

All I'll offer is this. And I hope it doesn't sound trite because it's not. Just realistic - based on how the world truly is.

If we start out building a house and we have little or no experience in that, we are naturally afraid that in the end it may all come tumbling down. Natural. What you have to be afraid of though, is that your distraction from the fear actually causes you to do shoddy work along the way ! Then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy !
Focus on the quality as you go. Be loving, honest, build a QUALITY relationship(s). Build a quality YOU ! The house - and the relationship(s) - will stand the test of time. It's really the only way.

GS
 
He's very vague about things sometimes. He didn't promise he would use condoms, but I voiced my strong preference for him to do so. I told him I'd like him to have some on him when he goes to see her or any other girl, even if he doesn't anticipate the situation to turn sexual. In the past, he's not been so great about using them with me. He's fought me about it before. I know he doesn't particularly like using them, and I'm afraid if she doesn't insist, he won't do it. That's how it's been with me. There have been times when I probably should have insisted he use a condom, but didn't for some incredibly stupid reason, and we had sex anyway. I felt very foolish afterward.

I do have some trust issues here, and it is based on past behavior.

It seems that the number one deal breaker and poly rule/boundary is safe sex. Like the BDSM world, if a person becomes known as someone who is not practicing safe sex, then they can easily be ostracized. Just a thought, but poly communities can become very tight when one has screwed up and hasn't been practicing proper poly etiquette. Poly communities are small to begin with usually, word gets around when a guy is not that big on condoms.
 
i'm pretty sure pansexual people are like the evolved bi people

I'm pansexual too...i might write you sometime as i don't know anyone else like me in that way personally, kudos!


I have a lot to say, but i'm gonna snuggle with my g/f in a few minutes so...

1. Tell his bitch-ass to wrap it up!
2. Sincerity is the antonym of hypocrisy...learn it
3. Same sex relationships are harder, and it's fair to ask him to take and slow as long as you work on your issues, and maybe set some veto rules in case the other girl turns out a disaster!
4. You're awesome :) Be truthful, honest, and loving and it'll work out. GL!


peace and love,
-gabe
 
getting to know the other girl definitely makes it easier. just make sure to be welcoming the first time since she's got a lot more to be nervous of since you're the fiancee. plus if you're both is type then you may very well get along as was mentioned.

also i identify as pansexual too! :)
 
A lot of your concerns and fears are the same thing that I feel and go through. Though I'm not the one that first mentioned polyamory. My husband is also bi and I am straight. I know when we first dated I always told him that he was more than welcomed to have a boyfriend because I was not something I could give him. Though he never took me up on it he has always been completely devoted to me.

I'm not totally closed down to the idea of being poly though I think that your primary relationship must be strong before you could venture off outside that. Our discussions have mostly ended as we think when we are ready another couple would probably be the best for us.

Being how you are bi would you consider a girlfriend for the both of you? Not just his or yours but one girl for the both of you? As in anything communication and respect must there and remember that you and your fiance are the primary.
 
Being how you are bi would you consider a girlfriend for the both of you? Not just his or yours but one girl for the both of you? As in anything communication and respect must there and remember that you and your fiance are the primary.

This seems to be a common question. A woman for both of us, hmmmm, if you think about it, it's probably unlikely you will find this. It happens, but is short lived and hard to find.... they are called "unicorns" for that reason. Do a search on here to find out more.

Usually one person is not into the other in the long run and the relationship ends because there is the heart ache of someone being left out. It's easier to find someone that suits you. Your partner could do the same.

Sure, you will find someone that will have sex with you both perhaps, but when it comes to something more deep than that, it's not the same thing. Perhaps the sex is all you want and if so, some swinging might be an idea.... although swinging didn't work for me, I am more of and involved connected, deep lover than swinging allowed. It's more about getting off on someones body. It will fulfill the image of your spouse having sex with another or you doing it for them to see though. Alcohol and swinging can sometimes mean that someone might not be as aware of what they are doing as if they were sober. That could also lead to some issues too.

Really, it seems poly with good results seems to be in finding someone on your own....
 
Well I'll admit I'm new to this whole polyamory thing. I do know a bit about it. When my husband first brought the subject up I did do some research on it. I'm not sure whether you read my introduction or not, but it explains more there. I understand the difference between swinging and poly. I do have a friend that grew up in as a child in a poly lifestyle and him and his girlfriend continue that too. They have a girl friend that they share and it works for them. This is really the only real life experience I have of a poly lifestyle.

As I said I am not bi, so there is a lot I don't understand. I guess I imagine it easier than not. Maybe that's based on my friend. I also know what my husband and I are looking for. I understand that what we want will probably be harder to find then not. I also know that our relationship is not ready for it, yet.

As far as the "advice" that I gave, that's all it is. Just an idea. For me, I think it would be easier to have someone that everyone invovled gets along even friends. I understand that not everyone can do that. I also understand where she is coming from about being bi. I'm on the other side of that. Like I said it was just a thought. I understand it sounds easier than it actually is. But I think any relationship, monogamous poly friendships family, requires work. There are going to be issues, jealousy, anger, fights. Its the matter of who has the communication skill to be able to keep those relationships and work on them.
 
I don't understand pyxie, you are not bi but you want to share? If you were looking for a woman to share it would mean physically. You also mention that you would want to be friends with her. Do you mean that you would prefer your man find a woman that you like. Two entirely different things.

I am wondering if you have read much on poly yet, like on here. I suggest that you do so as to pick up an understanding of what poly is about. I hope you read this post and realize there is not meant to be a tone. Just for the sake of keeping confusion at bay and for your own interest it might help. There are many ways to be poly, not just your friends.
 
I am not bi. My husband is. We have come to the conclusion that what would work best for us is another couple. We have a family and love our family unit. For our interest personally we would like another couple, either commited or married that would understand that we have children and a family unit. We aren't just looking for someone or another couple to have sex with. We want something beyond that. Another couple that we could go do things with.

My husband has always had the option of having a boyfriend because he would be finding something that I could not give. The same how fauxsisticated. Though when we came to that conclusion we had also agreed that I would have to "approve". Mainly someone that understood our family again and that could be part of our family.

In no ways have I asked my husband to find a girl like me. We are not at the point to find another couple yet. It is something that we are actively talking about though. There are still details that we have to work out.

My whole point to fauxsiscated was that I'm on the flip side of where she's at. I'm on her fiance's side. I'm not into girls, have no interest in a girlfriend. She's actively looking for a girl to fulfill that which her fiance cannot give her. I understand that and can appreciate that. If we had opened up our relationship from the beginning and I had found a guy and my husband had none, I would imagine he would feel a little like her. We have prior had the agreement that he could have a boyfriend. I had told him that I would enjoy if it was someone that would occasionally enjoy both of our company in the bedroom but that ultimately it was his boyfriend. Though that I would like this person to be more part of the family then just my husband's boyfriend. That has always been a point for me.

This is how I feel though. This may not be for everyone. Maybe I'm confused about polyamory still and I admit that I am new to this. But this part of why I am on this board as well as reading other sites. My thought to fauxsiscated was mainly just how I feel being the other straight person, like her fiance.

Mainly I do not want to share a girl with my husband. We would like to "share" another couple. I had suggested that fauxsiscated share a girl for the both of them, as this was kind of the arrangement my husband and I had. More that we would share him emotionally and maybe occasionally physically.
 
I'm still confused as to why you would share a couple if you don't intend to be intimate with them pyxie. I get it a bit better now, but the part I am not understanding and have a concern about is that anyone you meet to begin this kind of relationship might get hurt if they are expecting your closeness sexually when you don't intend to give it.
 
Redpepper,

She said "We aren't just looking for someone or another couple to have sex with. We want something beyond that." The way I understood it is that Pyxie wants to have sex with the other GUY of the hypothetical couple, and her husband can have sex with them both, or just the other female if the other guy isn't also into men.
 
I never said that we wouldn't get intimiate with them. Hence the idea of another couple. We're not just looking for another person to fulfill the need for sex. We are looking for something much more. The reason we would like another couple is for the understanding of our relationship and marriage. I'm sure again, it sounds easier in our heads then it actually will be. I know we'll find bumps in the road along the way.

The point is I'm not bi. I do not enjoy having sex with women, just doesn't do it for me. I have tried it before. I'm not just coming at this from no knowledge. I am open sexually to many things though. I am very open to my husbands sexuality and am the first girl to ever be. This is part of why he loves me so much.

Honestly our dream would be to find another couple where the man is bi also. But we know that is just a dream. We'll see what comes to us but we know we also can be very picky about what we want. We want to find people that just don't fulfill our sexual needs but also emotionally. This is maybe why you are confused about what I want. That we are looking for something much more than sex.

Redpepper,

She said "We aren't just looking for someone or another couple to have sex with. We want something beyond that." The way I understood it is that Pyxie wants to have sex with the other GUY of the hypothetical couple, and her husband can have sex with them both, or just the other female if the other guy isn't also into men.

Yes this is right. Thank you. Sorry for any confusion. Like I said, I talk alot.
 
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I asked my fiancé, and he acquiesced to me contacting the girl in question. She and I exchanged a few emails back and forth, and I felt instantly better. I mean, instantaneous. She and the fiancé were both in the Rocky Horror cast in our city at various times, so I suggested we could all meet up and go see it sometime, as I've still never been! (A 24 year old virgin... Woof!) I am very interested in meeting her. I know I won't be a horse's ass in person. I'm far too polite when face to face. She's also interested in watching David Lynch movies, so I invited her over for a movie night sometime as well.

And we talked about the safe sex issues yet again. I was a lot more blunt about my concerns, (sometimes it's a matter of really, really driving a point home that I feel shouldn't have to be spelled about, but whatcanyado?,) and he did promise to wrap it up. For the record, I do use dental dams. I got a bunch of em from Planned Parenthood some months back, well before we even decided to open up our relationship. And I use gloves for vaginal perforation. Note to those reading: do NOT, I repeat, do NOT use those yellow, rubber kitchen gloves for kinky funtimes. The texturized groove on the fingertips is super abrasive!

But yeah, things are looking up. After going on a few lousy dates with flaky and/or crazy girls, I spoke with a "male" friend of mine just fresh out of a relationship. ("Male" because he's also genderqueer/trans-ish/gender fluid -- a major plus!) He and I finally spoke of a mutual interest in each other, (he's one of my tattoo clients, and we've both been in relationships, so I've been hesitant to say anything,) so who knows? We might both wind up dating someone of the opposite sex. Crazier things have happened. Maybe that, too will help me feel less psycho.

And we have considered finding the wily and elusive unicorn for ourselves, but I know how rare a species they are, and are probably best left to more ambitious poachers ;) If something like that were to fall into our laps, great, but it's not something I'm actively seeking. I dated a girl that my fiancé and I had a few threesomes with, but she's a (very open-minded) lesbian, so it amounted more to me doing stuff to both of them, them doing stuff to me, him doing some stuff to her, but she wanted nothing to do with him. It was pretty awkward. I dunno... Like I said, if it stumbles into our path, cool, if not, cool.
 
And I use gloves for vaginal perforation.

You mean "vaginal penetration". "Perforation" means "to put holes in something". "Penetration" means to "put something into a hole".

One does not put a hole in a vagina. Vaginas come already equipped with holes and one puts something in them.

I think it's important to use the correct word to describe an action.
 
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