What is that middle ground?

Somegeezer

New member
I just read a post a few minutes ago about someone "living monogamously" to put it, because they could see it was what their partner needed, even though it wasn't their ideal situation.

This for obvious reasons, I would think, made me think of the pressures even someone poly could bring for a mono.

I'm in one of these situations personally. I'm poly and have been all my life. Fully understood who I was and "came out" just less than a year ago. I've been in a realtionship with a mono [Cherry] for a few months now too. Cherry is a strict mono [but bisexual]. I can see [and she has told me many times] that she only wants me. It has hurt both her and me when I came out to her about my poly self. To the point where I've questioned both just going through with a mono relationship, to ending it completely.

As far, I still don't know what my answer is.

My questions as, what is that middle ground? Is there one at all? Does it have to be one side or the other? If there is... How do you find the middle ground with your partner?
 
I'm afraid I don't have any good answer for you, as I'm in the same position you are in. But I figured I'd at least let you know you're not alone. For now, I'm just taking things day by day. I'm eager to see what perspective and advice others may give on this topic.
 
Somegeezer,

Two thoughts occur to me in reading your post. First (and this thought is a question), is Cherry unhappy with your being polyamorous? Is she accepting of your polyamorous nature?

Second (Hey, another question!), is she aware that people can start out in life mono and change over time to poly? (Not that she should have to do so, or that she needs to change. Rather, is she aware that people change in this way sometimes? [I did, for example]).
 
Basically, it requires both partners to be able to identify that they only control themselves, not the other partner. If one is 'highly' monogamous ( spouse shouldnt even think about another partner. Add in highly religious, fidelity of the mind, body, and spirit.) and the other is 'highly' polyamorous ( Wants to love everyone, and doesn't believe in any type of rating, or withholding.) It will be tough to find middle ground.
If either of these types needs the other partner to be absolutely alike, then there will be trouble ahead.

My husband has a 'take it or leave it' attitude about any non-monogamy. He has fun, but he wouldn`t ever go out of his way, to attract others. He would be happily monogamous.
I am just on the other side of that. I like being non-monogamous, prefer it, and seek it. However if I needed to be ( I have in the past.) monogamous, I can do it. I don`t 'need' more then him, I just 'like' more then one.

So,even though we are on slightly different sides of the same scale, we can give and take with each other pretty easily.

The further away each of you are from the mid-point, the harder it will be.
 
Wise words from Sourgirl.

The other thing to consider is that it's ok (as painful as at may be) to admit that you are not compatible with someone in the role that you currently hold. And the truth is, that if you aren't, you should let go and save yourself more misery. You may very well be able to find common ground but if it's just like slogging through mud all the time, for a long time. It may be something that just won't work. I think we know deep down inside when that happens. Whether or not we can admit it.
 
Somegeezer,

Two thoughts occur to me in reading your post. First (and this thought is a question), is Cherry unhappy with your being polyamorous? Is she accepting of your polyamorous nature?

Second (Hey, another question!), is she aware that people can start out in life mono and change over time to poly? (Not that she should have to do so, or that she needs to change. Rather, is she aware that people change in this way sometimes? [I did, for example]).
I think she certainly isn't happy with it. It's a whole new way of thinking for her and it scares her. Usual thoughts of "why am I not enough?" and "what if you leave me for someone else?". The kinds of questions I can and have answered, still leaving her not trusting the concept.

She's been made aware by me at least that you can be mono and suddenly find poly inside yourself. I think she either hasn't found it, or doesn't have it. I don't want to push it on her, but I don't want to be pushed by her either.

Basically, it requires both partners to be able to identify that they only control themselves, not the other partner. If one is 'highly' monogamous ( spouse shouldnt even think about another partner. Add in highly religious, fidelity of the mind, body, and spirit.) and the other is 'highly' polyamorous ( Wants to love everyone, and doesn't believe in any type of rating, or withholding.) It will be tough to find middle ground.
If either of these types needs the other partner to be absolutely alike, then there will be trouble ahead.

My husband has a 'take it or leave it' attitude about any non-monogamy. He has fun, but he wouldn`t ever go out of his way, to attract others. He would be happily monogamous.
I am just on the other side of that. I like being non-monogamous, prefer it, and seek it. However if I needed to be ( I have in the past.) monogamous, I can do it. I don`t 'need' more then him, I just 'like' more then one.

So,even though we are on slightly different sides of the same scale, we can give and take with each other pretty easily.

The further away each of you are from the mid-point, the harder it will be.
I think me and Cherry are those opposite ends and it has been hard to find any middle ground. Even something along the lines of "you do it your way and I'll do it mine" I would consider a middle ground. A point which you both just accept and agree to what is happening. It just doesn't seem to work that way for her.

I don't need others either. I can have just close, loving friendships. I think even that is a step too high for Cherry. Nevertheless, that is not a place I'm willing to come back from. I've always been loving of my closest friends, even before I knew poly was a part of my life. =]

Wise words from Sourgirl.

The other thing to consider is that it's ok (as painful as at may be) to admit that you are not compatible with someone in the role that you currently hold. And the truth is, that if you aren't, you should let go and save yourself more misery. You may very well be able to find common ground but if it's just like slogging through mud all the time, for a long time. It may be something that just won't work. I think we know deep down inside when that happens. Whether or not we can admit it.
I think we are compatible in many ways. Everyone is different after all. But I think if we really can't be together, in time, it will end itself.

I have no idea what kind of timescales other people work on. How long it would take for Cherry to actually accept that part of me. Right this second, it's not a problem for me. I'm happy and comfortable with her. I'm not feeling a need for any specific other person in my life. But I have mentioned to her many times, that when that does come; when I meet someone else, it will feel like it is being thrown at you. The sooner she comes to terms with it, the more comfortable she will be when it happens.



Has anyone here actually been in these situations and have any advice as to what they did to make it work? =]
 
Yes lots of people on here are in mono/poly relationships and make it work. You have been on this forum for what, like a year now, and you haven't read ANYTHING about it on here? I have seen you participating in lots of discussions here and on facebook and find it hard to believe that you haven't seen anyone who has been in a similar situation.

I hate to be ageist, but when i see you use expressions such as "my whole life i've been this way and just came out", i can't help chuckling. So you knew you were poly since you were a fetus? That's grooovy. But at your age, you still have a lot of experiencing to do and trying to wrap a ribbon around this particular relationship seems a bit hasty don't you think? I remember when i was your age i wanted to classify things in a way that made sense that i could build on, only to discover that you can't just do that because the rest of the world is off doing its own thing and i was learning and changing at the same time as everybody else. You don't think the same way or want the same things at age 38 as you did at age 28 and age 18. If you're really compatible with another person, neither of you should have to "find" common ground, you should already have lots of it. It is a young-person thing to try to make the world fit with your expectations instead of looking at the things you can't change and fitting your expectations around that. If you think ypu have a wonderful relationship then enjoy the wonderfulness of it but dont think you can turn a chicken into a duvk just by getting it a little wet.
 
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Yes lots of people on here are in mono/poly relationships and make it work. You have been on this forum for what, like a year now, and you haven't read ANYTHING about it on here? I have seen you participating in lots of discussions here and on facebook and find it hard to believe that you haven't seen anyone who has been in a similar situation.

I hate to be ageist, but when i see you use expressions such as "my whole life i've been this way and just came out", i can't help chuckling. So you knew you were poly since you were a fetus? That's grooovy. But at your age, you still have a lot of experiencing to do and trying to wrap a ribbon around this particular relationship seems a bit hasty don't you think? I remember when i was your age i wanted to classify things in a way that made sense that i could build on, only to discover that you can't just do that because the rest of the world is off doing its own thing and i was learning and changing at the same time as everybody else. You don't think the same way or want the same things at age 38 as you did at age 28 and age 18. If you're really compatible with another person, neither of you should have to "find" common ground, you should already have lots of it. It is a young-person thing to try to make the world fit with your expectations instead of looking at the things you can't change and fitting your expectations around that. If you think ypu have a wonderful relationship then enjoy the wonderfulness of it but dont think you can turn a chicken into a duvk just by getting it a little wet.
What would we do without your heavy hitting sarcasm NK? =P
Of course I have read a lot about it. I just haven't found a lot of help with it. If you hate to be ageist, don't be. I also never mentioned knowing I was poly all my life. If anything, I was, but NEVER knew until recently.

I agree, we shouldn't have to find "common ground". I know what our common ground is. What I'm asking is how do you and a partner who is strict mono work in a way that make you both comfortable? Presumably, so that mono is being mono and poly is being poly, without either being unhappy about any of that. I don't want to change anyone.

You don't need to look down at me for being 19. I'm as human as you. Never mind wanting different things from life at 38 compared to 28. Decisions you make can change your view in a second. If yesterday had turned out differently, I would be living today differently than I am now. But just because life changes, doesn't mean I'll be unhappy with my decisions. =]
 
Somegeezer,

If Cherry is quite unhappy with your being polyamorous, that certainly adds to the challenges you will have to face together. She may not be able to handle that in the long run, and may herself run when you find yourself involved with another. Meanwhile, just shower her with love and kindness and tenderness and affection, if that's what you're feeling toward her. If she really, really knows she's cared for she may feel secure enough about the two of you to stick with you even if you are poly (or find another some day).
 
Somegeezer,

If Cherry is quite unhappy with your being polyamorous, that certainly adds to the challenges you will have to face together. She may not be able to handle that in the long run, and may herself run when you find yourself involved with another. Meanwhile, just shower her with love and kindness and tenderness and affection, if that's what you're feeling toward her. If she really, really knows she's cared for she may feel secure enough about the two of you to stick with you even if you are poly (or find another some day).
I do everything to make those I love, feel loved. =]

I really would love to hear what other people have been through with a mono, or being a mono with a poly partner. This thread isn't just for me here. =]
 
Only you can judge whether you and Cherry have good compatibility, so I say this not to you specifically but as a general thing. We often make the assumption that because a relationship has lots of good aspects that we should hold on no matter what. But I am finding that if there's something important, even if it's one thing, that's just not working, all those good things don't make it a good relationship. Obviously, there's a difference between something needing time to settle and an aspect NOT WORKING. Sometimes, I see mono-poly dynamics and many of them just seem like they're not working. Obviously, there are examples of some who do but sometimes I wonder if people are trying to fit square pegs in round holes and again... It's Just Not Working.
Perhaps that's something that needs to be understood more. How to know when to say enough's enough versus let's try harder. I'm not trying to say that mono/poly dynamics are bad and unhealthy. I just think that if some one really doesn't want polyamory or monogamy and they're just trying to will themselves to be okay with something they're NOT....it's totally nuts. I have personal experience with this so perhaps it's an emotional subject. My metamour of my previous relationship, tried really hard but couldn't stand up to her husband and say what she wanted. I guess my issue is that I see people (including me) unable/unwilling to stand up and say, hey this isn't working, obviously we aren't going to make good lovers, I still care about you...I need XYZ in a relationship and we can't give that to each other.
 
Great point Ray.

This is something I have come full circle on as well.
In past attempts to do poly 'correctly,' I have stayed in situations far past their expiration dates. Hoping for something to give/change, when it really shouldn`t have changed. We were different people .
That`s OK. Moving on is just fine.

There is so much talk about not 'abandoning' people, and not 'discarding' them, that I have seen others, as well as myself, work at something much longer then they should have.

Of course, only those people can decide those things.

Some people are able to compromise more then others, and for longer periods of time. I have seen some mono`s on here, compromise to huge extents.
It doesn`t make the relationship a failure, as long as respect stays mutual.
 
Somegeezer- I like to think of mono/poly as "cultural" differences...you are from Britain and she is from Brazil for an example. You live in Brazil with her and have to figure out how to be in this "culture" that isn't your own. Does that make sense?

It has helped me let go of "fixing" my relationship with Mono and just living it as best we can from our own points of view. I spend more time being curious about his "culture" that way, rather than getting frustrated that he doesn't get it. I think this is useful in all relationships with anyone really. It takes away our natural desire to expect and assume I think.

There is no real answer to your questions,,, no real fit. Its all personal and all a mystery from day one. I think I can relate to how you feel and the frustration it brings... its just a matter of checking in with your self about whether what you have is rooted in love for one another or rooted in MAKING it work. If the answer is the latter, keep at is and see what happens in time.

For the record; I have come to see couples where one opens up to poly and the other doesn't as that person deciding to take on another religion after being in another religion their whole lives. Say you are Christian, born and raised in the bible belt, married a Christian person and raised your kids that way... then discover Buddhism. BAM! Everything changes.... you know the story. We hear it here all the time. Imagine what that would feel like! There is common ground, but wading through the politics of both religions to get to that is hard work and along with that is a great deal of feelings of betrayal for the one who is still Christian.

What you are in SG is like this.... finding common ground and holding on to it for dear life (because you love each other so much) is all there is as far as I can see.
 
For the record; I have come to see couples where one opens up to poly and the other doesn't as that person deciding to take on another religion after being in another religion their whole lives. Say you are Christian, born and raised in the bible belt, married a Christian person and raised your kids that way... then discover Buddhism. BAM! Everything changes.... you know the story. We hear it here all the time. Imagine what that would feel like! There is common ground, but wading through the politics of both religions to get to that is hard work and along with that is a great deal of feelings of betrayal for the one who is still Christian.

RP I think this is a great parallel.
 
The idea that reconciling poly vs. mono by thinking of them as two cultures needing understanding and curiosity about each other is a good one... to a point. I think it's pretty easy for someone who identifies as poly to think of it this way. The reality, however, is that if and when the poly person does find another potential partner, the mono person is generally going to feel threatened by the idea of "sharing" them. All intellectual understanding flies out the window when you're brokenhearted about your love having sex with someone else or falling in love with another. A monogamous person wants to be the only one in someone's heart and bed, plain and simple. It is contrary to everything monogamy has taught us to truly believe that if a loved one is involved with someone else, they won't leave us for them.


Somegeezer, I think there are two issues you are dealing with right now. One is that Cherry is at odds with a very important part of YOU and how you see yourself, and you wish she was more accepting or at least would try to understand. The other issue is sort of speculatory -- I think you are worried about what could happen if, down the road, you want another additional relationship. That is kind of hanging over your head, and the uncertainty is probably uncomfortable, while her judgment about poly likely feels constricting for you. You don't have that sense of freedom right now, knowing how she objects to non-monogamy. I think you are feeling that you can't really relax in your relationship with Cherry if (a.) you can't be fully yourself; and (b.) you will be prevented from pursuing what you want, if someone else comes your way.

I think it will take some bargaining. I think it will take unflinching honesty. Perhaps she hasn't really wanted to look at the reality of what your being poly actually means, nor try to understand it because she's afraid of being abandoned by you for someone else. I don't think you should harp on her about it, but if it's a sticking point that will not let you relax, a good, deep conversation may be in order. She needs your reassurance that your feelings for her are steadfast even if you do eventually meet someone else. But she also needs to come to some point of acceptance and be willing to at least try to understand how important this is to you.

Only you know if this relationship is worth the investment it will take, or if it will withstand some turmoil to reach a place of calm and centeredness. I know you know that if you do meet someone else you want to be in relationship with, you will need to make extra effort to reassure Cherry that she is loved and has no need to feel threatened.

But there may be a point where, if she doesn't budge, and it's all exhausting work on your part, the scales could tip in the direction of making your relationship more work than fun, more angst than loving, good feelings. Then you may have to say goodbye. It's up to you to figure out if you're willing to put in all that work and energy. Personally, I think love is worth it. Hopefully Cherry will be willing to come up against her boundaries and belief systems and examine them with a more open mind.
 
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Without having to quote absolutely everything from redpepper and indie, I find all of what you both said more helpful in the topic than a lot of the other stuff before it.

indie, I'm especially thankful to you, as it is all really helpful advice to my personal experience and I will keep all that and use it. I think "Personally, I think love is worth it." is my favourite line in the whole thing. Just to sum it all up, that sometimes things are hard, but you can push through. =]

RedPepper, you are one of the first to be on direct topic of what the thread was meant for, and not just for my personal benfit. ^_^ It's really great advice to have from someone who is actually in a mono/poly relationship. I definitely feel there is no need to "fix" anything and am certainly not trying to change anyone. I accepted amost immediately that it is not something she wants. I can't push her into it.

back to indie again, I've also thought a lot about when that time does come and if it can't be accepted. If it does happen that way, I personally feel that it obviously isn't the right place to be. I don't aim to make anyone unhappy and if it comes to a point where they are and there's no changing it, I really can't help them anymore than I have. But up until then, I definitely put everything I can of myself into a relationship. Love is definitely worth it. =]
 
Just to sum it all up, that sometimes things are hard, but you can push through. =]

. . . I don't aim to make anyone unhappy and if it comes to a point where they are and there's no changing it, I really can't help them anymore than I have. But up until then, I definitely put everything I can of myself into a relationship. Love is definitely worth it. =]

Hey, I'm glad I could be helpful to you. There was one other thing I had wanted to say in my big long post, and forgot after I started getting going. ;) And that is: enjoy what you've got. Yes, put everything you are into the relationship, be present with her and with your feelings, and pour your heart into it. You reap what you sow. The future will happen and worrying about it now won't change it. I think you're in good shape.
 
I'm assuming that Cherry is also around your age? 19 or so?

If that's the case, I would advise you to remember that she is YOUNG. Dating, relationships, and sex might all be pretty new to her in general. When you're young, you're often insecure about dating, sex, and relationships (without even realizing you are insecure) simply because it's all new and confusing.

You're young too, but you have the benefit of having questioned society's norms about relationships and figured out what you want for yourself.

I had a relationship with a poly guy when I was 21. I was mono (at that time) and he was poly. Before, I had never considered that there were any other options besides being monogamous. I liked the idea of an alternative type of relationship and I wanted my boyfriend (Techie) to be able to be himself.

But I was also not interested in dating anyone other than Techie, and I was uncomfortable with many of the things he did. I understood that he and I had very different perspectives on relationships, but I believed that we could be happy meeting halfway on some common ground.

He basically refused to meet me halfway and kept insisting that he could not be bound by any rules or restrictions. He also refused to explain what exactly he wanted (with his relationship with me or with anyone else) and insisted that he get to do whatever he wanted because "love has no boundaries."

It was hurtful and insensitive to me. It was also very frustrating because I was very introspective and self-aware, and I knew that most of my issues were due to my insecurities and inexperience. (I was a VERY late bloomer and Techie was my first sex partner, although I'd had one boyfriend before that. But I'd never even flirted with anyone else, ever!)

I explained repeatedly about how insecure I was, and how I was trying to overcome it, but Techie really did nothing to make me feel secure with him.

The idea of non-monogamy appealed to me, but I felt like I wasn't quite ready for it yet (and told him so). I explained to him repeatedly that because sex was so new to me, the idea of him having more and more partners freaked me out. But he did not care at all, sulked whenever I told him his behavior hurt me, and threatened to break up with me constantly.

Also, he did nothing to show that he cared about me. Actually, he treated me like crap. Which should have been obvious to me when I was with him, but wasn't (because I was YOUNG).

However, in retrospect, some of the things Techie wanted to do, which bothered me then, I now think are reasonable and would no longer bother me at all. I was so insecure with myself I really couldn't handle an open-type relationship, even though I wanted to.

What frustrated me most about Techie was that I offered him many middle grounds, and it was never enough for him.

When I supported his relationship with his live-in sort-of-ex girlfriend, it wasn't enough--I had to want to hang out with her constantly. When I encouraged him to continue to visit friends in other cities that were sometimes friends-with-benefits, it wasn't enough--he demanded I go with him to meet these friends, and he sulked for days when I said I wasn't comfortable with that. When I suggested he have certain days of the week or certain weekends where he went off to meet other girls, it wasn't enough--he needed to be able to flirt with every girl we ran into while walking across campus together.

When I talked to him honestly and openly about my jealousy and how I wanted to work through it, he accused me of being crazy and said we had nothing in common if I didn't understand "infinite love."

So I guess my advice is--if you want to be with Cherry, actually listen to her and try to understand her, and respect her boundaries. You present her as being really close-minded about poly, but maybe you aren't really listening to her.

You don't get to just do whatever you want on the excuse that your nature is poly.

And if you do decide to continue a relationship with her, for heaven's sake don't blame her for making you miserable when you finally do end it.
 
MeeraReed,

I just wanted to say that I really appreciated your last post. A generous gift.
 
Meera, that is an interesting post. I think it says a lot about perspective. It's so easy for each of us to assume that we are right or doing things the way the should be. I guess we should all remember that our perspective is not the only one. That if we're in a relationship, we really need to consider the other point of view with the assumption that it is a valid one. We always want to say, well, who's right? And sometimes the answer is everyone or no one. Going along with the culture analogy, it does take a lot of understanding and moving away from "ethnocentricity." Or the assumption that your way is the best way. With mono's and poly's, there's already a lot of assumed tension where some monos feel like polys look down on them for being "less enlightened." And the polys may feel like the monos regard them as a bunch of polyfuckerous sluts. Both perspectives must be valued for a relationship to work.
 
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